The worst personal ads ever thread

[Dan]

Online dating is increasingly more frustrating; normal women don't respond to my emails, and the only gals that message me are Russian bride scammers and Nigerian romance scammers.

After seeing this profile, I knew I had to start this thread. The princess-like attitude and "I want I want I want" demands are bad enough, but they're made worse by the AOLspeak with which this screed is composed.

37-year-old woman
Cleveland, Ohio, United States
seeking men 36-42
Relationships: * Divorced
Have kids: * None
Want kids: * Definitely (2)
Ethnicity: * White / Caucasian
Body type: * Athletic and toned
Height:* 5'2" (157cms)
Religion: * Christian / Catholic

**U R 36-42
**Emotionally Available
(READ THAT AGAIN!)
**U Want Kids w/ME
**Our kids R raised Catholic ~ period
**Preferably ~ U R not a father yet.

Well ~ I'm blatantly honest (w/couth!), wear my heart on my sleeve, and could care less what others "will think or say". I believe in respect for everyone...their opinions, their beliefs, their "ways"...and don't judge books by their cover. I LOVE nice "things", but have learned I don't "need" them 2 B happy. I'm the MOST sentimental sap you'll ever meet! Every song on the radio (ANY genre) reminds me of a time, place or person. Fitness is VERY important 2 me (and U2)! I'm inquisitive and perceptive with a ZANY, analytical streak. I challenge the most clever 2 test my wit I luv fashion, design, photography or any activity that allows me to look at beautiful things!

And so ~ I await and hold out 4 ~ my dream 2 share a content, yet LIVELY and SEXY relationship w/1 who is LOYAL, HONEST, SECURE, FUN and genuinely exists 2 LIVE and LOVE life and people in it. I desire a striking man 2 share the most intimate moments imaginable 4 the rest of my life. Someone who is not afraid of handing over his entire being 2 another with complete trust and devotion. Yes ~ even if you've done JUST THAT before, thinking it would never ever backfire, labeling you a statistic. Old fashioned values w/the thrill of modern day excitement! U strive 2 B your best in mind and body, and appreciate others who do! U R FIT, healthy and dedicated w/MUSCLE TONE! NO...Biceps DON'T count! But abs DO!Proportion~OK? If U say U R athletic and toned~B IT! If we feel we deserve the best~we 2 must B our best~right? U dress well and have a flair 4 style! NO tank tops, jewelry, bald or facial hair (5:00=sexy)! Your profile does not state U R attractive ~ that's determined by the reader. Modesty is golden. U appreciate and nurture relationships. U DO NOT QUIT! Perseverance constitutes ultimate happiness~as does putting family as a top priority. If money is 1st and 4most in your life~stay away~NOT attractive! I ask 4 what WE ALL "truely" want ~admit it! ~HEARTPOUNDING attraction! 2 see each other and experience that magnetic energy~giving us that CRAZY twinge in our bellies~thinking the whole time~I WANT 2 touch this person~I HAVE 2 touch this person! THAT is attraction! Forcing your hands, thoughts and eyes 2 completely restrain themselves! Know that feeling? I crave that passion EVERYDAY of my life! I MUST feel that magnetic force that makes our connection inevitable, 2 elicit those overwhelming feelings. I long 4 that undeniable wonder of appreciating and adoring someone who shares the unsurpassed feeling of reciprocation. I'm VERY atuned 2 sensations (every one!) and search 4 someone who shares that connection and chemistry! I desire stimulating conversation and appreciate a well versed vocabulary. Someone intrigued by different locales and cultures. Someone compassionate, respectful and kind 2 EVERYONE! One who YEARNS 2 travel the world sharing experiences w/his best friend/family. I require a VIBRANT, HUMOROUS, CREATIVE, and PASSIONATE man by my side; who is ultimately ready 2 share a lifelong romance ~ and the dream ~ remember? A blissfully FUN, content, and SEXY adventure 4 the rest of our lives U game?

CLIFF NOTES: if U made it this far!
*Handsome ~ someone I am COMPLETELY taken with, who feels the same when looking at me. (sigh)
*Integrity ~ U stand out amongst others as the "good guy" who seems 2 good 2 be true...and U R! (sigh)
*FUN ~ Period. U are my playmate! We share everything. Laughing is the norm (good ab workout! (BIG smile!)

HANDSOME, SEXY, HOT, imaginative, compassionate, respectful, funny, young at heart, romantic, affectionate, stylish, confident, family-man, philosophical, devoted, original, loyal, cultured, communicative, SEXY, brilliant, creative, adventurous/yet cautious, congenial, smells sexy!,playful, animal lover, SEXY, thick head of hair? (ok~just have hair!), light eyes? I hope


Michigan women have ALWAYS done me wrong. ALWAYS. I mean, in the worst way; we always seem to hit it off spectacularly, only to find that they pull my still-beating heart from my chest, take a bite out of it, toss it to the ground, an stomp on it, all the while laughing maniacally.

It's bad enough here in Cleveland, Thank G*d I'm not in Detroit. 90% of this profile is "I want, I want, I want", but the worst part ... well, I bolded that.

43-year-old woman
Detroit, Michigan, United States
seeking men 38-48
Relationships: * Divorced
Have kids: * None
Want kids: * Someday (1)
Ethnicity: * White / Caucasian
Body type: * Slender
Height: * 5'5" (165cms)
Religion: * Christian / Catholic

Thank you for reviewing my profile. What am I looking for in a man and a relationship? Ideally I would like to be married and have a child. However, given my age, the hectic lives and schedules of people, geographic issues, and the possibility of not connecting with the right person in time, I realize it may not happen. This has been on my mind alot lately. It hasn't been easy but I've had to make my peace with it. That said, I would like to find someone who is emotionally available, stable, affectionate and has a good sense of humor. He must have respect for his body. A healthy lifestyle is a MUST! I need someone HONEST that I can TRUST! I cannot tolerate addictions of any kind -that means alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn, etc... Addictions are a sign of deeper problems which aren't being dealt with. As the psychologist John Bradshaw says, "Trace it, face it, erase it!" Intelligence is important. You don't need an advanced degree but there needs to be an interest in politics, art, current events...something! I am an animal lover. I don't understand people who don't like animals. What's not to like about unconditional love? Animal and child related charities are an interest. My heroes are people who champion the innocent, small and defenseless in the world. I want to be with someone who is secure in themselves and don't need the attention and adoration of many. No players please! Quality-not quantity is what I'm looking for. I guess that's why my social circle is small. But I'm working on expanding it! The truth is, I'm okay with my own company. However, I don't believe we were put here to be alone. That's why I'm here -to make new friends and hopefully find that special someone. Good luck in your search and God bless! P.S. At the risk of sounding shallow, excessive body hair is a turn-off. You must be willing to wax, shave or laser. No, I'm not kidding. Also, I'm attracted to thin men who stay in shape. No exceptions. I work hard to keep slender and fit and I expect the same in return. Call me picky but I don't care. It's what I like.


I hate being single.

[Richmond Jake]

It's clear to me from what they're looking for that I'm not on their radar.
And that's a good thing.

[Bear Up North]

Back in the days before I met Katie I tried using the "personals" method of that day.....the newspaper. There was no internet (Al Gore had not yet invented it.) You write your ad, send it to the local rag, with a box number. Any replies come to that box number and are forwarded.

For my ad.....an ad that ran three days.....I recieved about 30 responses, about half with pictures. One photo sent was a nude shot......it shouldn't have been...

Most responses were well-written, sincere-sounding. I met a couple respondents "for coffee" and we talked, both obvious to the fact that there was no magic (west Toledo woman, Findlay woman).

I called another respondent and we met at Dale's Bar (Maumee, OH.....an inner-ring suburb of Toledo). We laughed at our meeting because we knew each other, had actually been on a date once, were friends.....but that was all.

And then there was Brenda.

We agreed to meet at a bar in Perrysburg (an outer-ring "soccer mom" suburb). We enjoyed our first couple of hours together, had many similar interests. I probably mentioned her in another thread (Mensa ).

We had a relationship for almost a year, but both of us had "baggage" from marriages that had recently ended. Eventually, we moved apart.

At about that same time I met Katie.....and my life changed (for the better). Katie and I met at a bar (Turtle Club, Toledo, on the Ottawa River).....so no personals were involved.
_____

Dan.....best of luck in your ongoing search.
_____

I don't have my personal ad.....it could very well have been a male-version of some of your examples.

Bear

[mgk920]

You don't suppose that it's time for a.....

(dare I say it...)

Cyburbia Planner Personals™ forvm????



Mike

[Gotta Speakup]

I am so lucky to be happily married (lucky in so many ways!)

[DetroitPlanner]

"I cannot tolerate addictions of any kind -that means alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn, etc..."

Hmm considering she lives in a nudie bar capitol with casinos, corner drug dealers and legal prosititution in a ten minnute drive. She is fishing for a minnow in the atlantic!

Maybe its my geography why I am still single?

[safege]

Where are the ads for the guys who smell bad, don't clean up after themselves, are at least a year behind in their chores, and take public transit, and don't intend to learn how to drive ?

Just asking.

[kjel]

Well....at least you know exactly what they are looking for and you should run in the opposite direction. That said, I think it is interesting that in a previous thread of yours about the online dating thing regarding large women, but you chose to highlight the bit about excessive body hair being a turn off and being in shape as a must. How is this different than your previous thoughts?

[Budgie]

I don't know, which is worse.... being alone or being mislead.

[kjel]

I don't know, which is worse.... being alone or being mislead.

Being misled gets my vote.

[Richmond Jake]

Look at the bright side; no mention of minimum required penis size. Now that I think about it, without that limitation, I guess I could still qualify.

Hello, ladies!

In the words of TO: "har…har…har…"

[Zoning Goddess]

Look at the bright side; no mention of minimum required penis size. Now that I think about it, without that limitation, I guess I could still qualify.

Hello, ladies!

Do it and die, Bubba!

[digger]

I'm happily married (this time around), so the prersonal ads don't have any relevance in my own life, but it seems to me that it's not a matter of the ad itself being so bad, as it is the thought process that produced the ad is really faulty. You can write some pretty tight specifications for things, and demand that they be met, but I don't think a "significant other" is one of those things...

[Richmond Jake]

Do it and die, Bubba!

I love you too, sweetheart. My ears are already burning....because... There they go again....

[Zoning Goddess]

Here's a guy who's sued a dating service that didn't deliver the quality of women he expected:

http://www.local6.com/news/10734860/detail.html

[Dan]

Look at the bright side; no mention of minimum required penis size.

Wanna' bet? These are from a regular online dating site; not a swingers' site.

36-year-old woman
Indianapolis, Indiana, United States
seeking men 36-46
within 50 miles of Indianapolis, Indiana, United States

Relationships: * Never Married
Have kids: * Yes, and they live at home (2)
Want kids: * Do not want to have kids
Ethnicity: * Black / African descent
Body type: * Heavyset
Height: * 5'9" (175cms)
Religion: * Christian / Other
Smoke: * No Way
Drink: * Social drinker, maybe one or two

About my life and what I'm looking for

I'm 5"9" carmel skin tone people say I'm cute,(I think I look alright)
my match should be taller than me very well endowed, and nice
looking, and single and not on any head games, I don't want a lier nor cheater, nor someone who's not looking for a real relationship
I'm not looking for any drama, so if you know you have unresolved
issues, then bypass me


And ...

41-year-old woman
Homewood, Illinois, United States
seeking men 30-43
within 10 miles of Homewood, Illinois, United States

Relationships: * Never Married
Have kids: * Yes, and they live at home
Want kids: * Do not want to have kids
Ethnicity: * Black / African descent
Body type: * Heavyset
Height: * 6'0" (182cms)
Religion: * Christian / Protestant
Smoke: * No Way
Drink: * Social drinker, maybe one or two

laid back, single black big beautiful woman in chicago area. i love travel, cooking, reading, crafts, relaxing at home...basic things couples or singles do. i am romantic and love to treat my significant other like a king. tall, dark and sexy. the darker the better..i love moustaches, bald heads and goatees. i am a big woman so i am attracted to large men. not sloppy but neat, football types. men that are mannerable, secure. here is my letter describing my ideal mate:my letter to the universe/ideal mate to the universe: my ideal man is not perfect but he is well groomed, of african american descent. he is loving, affectionate, flexible, assertive, aggressive, kind, sensitive, sexy, well endowed, a pretty smile and pretty eyes.


And ...

39-year-old woman
Buffalo, New York, United States
seeking men 35-45
within 50 miles of Buffalo, New York, United States

Relationships: * Divorced
Have kids: * None
Want kids: * Definitely (1)
Ethnicity: No answer
Body type: * Curvy
Height: * 5'3" (160cms)

Hi My Name is VIXEN, I am in Need of a Real Man, I am in a Relationship with My Boyfriend Robby, I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP, Robby dose not satisfy Me anymore, but I won't leave Robby, but I do need more size than he can offer, I Need a Real Man, I'm a Classy Dressy Lady, I Like to be takin out to Nice Places, Wine-n-Dined, I'm Looking for friends with great big benifits, a well built stocky, well put together, hot, hansom guy, Nice Looking, Real Man, you Must be a nice big guy, Nice Looking, well endowed! or I'm Going to end up with someone the same size as My Boyish Little Boyfriend, Robby is 6 inches, and it's like being with a little boy, My Man Must Be Stocky Well Built, and Well Endowed, Please No 8's, 8 is Medeum, Not Large, Large is 9&10 , if you have a 9 and UP! Drop Me a Line...

[Richmond Jake]

...men that are mannerable...

Huh?


Well, I guess I'm out again. Too white. Too "boyish." Too old.

[safege]

8' usually means eight feet, doesn't it ?

[SkeLeton]

Dan... why do you even bother looking at personal ads that are looking for size... afterall size doesn't matter (that much... average is good and average is around 6"), as long as you're not indian (from india, not american indians) anyone should be fine. It's not the size that matters, it's how you use it.

And besides... there's more to life than sex...

[Future Planning Diva]

laid back, single black big beautiful woman in chicago area. i love travel, cooking, reading, crafts, relaxing at home...basic things couples or singles do. i am romantic and love to treat my significant other like a king. tall, dark and sexy. the darker the better..i love moustaches, bald heads and goatees. i am a big woman so i am attracted to large men. not sloppy but neat, football types. men that are mannerable, secure. here is my letter describing my ideal mate:my letter to the universe/ideal mate to the universe: my ideal man is not perfect but he is well groomed, of african american descent. he is loving, affectionate, flexible, assertive, aggressive, kind, sensitive, sexy, well endowed, a pretty smile and pretty eyes.[/i]


[/B][/I]

I have to say, this sounds much less terrible than the neurotic women quoted previously. They sounded insane. This woman sounds like she knows who she is and what she wants.

I suppose the correlary would be a man looking for a big-chested woman. The difference is that you don't have to undress a woman to figure it out. I realize that guys would quite possibly get thrashed for expressing such a desire in a personal add that wasn't explictly for sex, but lots of men want to date well-endowed women. Why not say what you need?

I also like that she doesn't mess with euphemisims about her size. She's not pretending to be anything other than what she is. I don't have a problem with that.

There is also a notion that narrowing your field of potential dates like this means you will miss out on people who could be great even though they don't meet your criteria. I agree with this to a certain extent, but my deal-breakers were always more about brains than body. I would never seriously date someone who wasn't my intellectual equal, even if they were really nice and good looking. Other people have other deal-breakers. Who am I to judge?

[Dan]

Dan... why do you even bother looking at personal ads that are looking for size... afterall size doesn't matter (that much... average is good and average is around 6"), as long as you're not indian (from india, not american indians) anyone should be fine. It's not the size that matters, it's how you use it.

I just saw RJ's post, and thought "I wonder if women really look for that?" Apparently, some do ... and judging from the photos that were with the profiles, they weren't exactly prizes.

As for India, well, I think that's why they always sound so frustrated whenever I talk to someone at a call center in Bangalore.

[Planit]

This is kinda a reverse of the describe the picture threads. I'm reading these personals thinking what the person looks like, drives, works, etc. None of those Dan sent I thought could be marketing majors

I guess I've been lucky and met ex in college and Ms. P through friends at work. I've read personals in some papers just for the he11 of it and were scared by what some of them said and laughed at others. Interesting people out there.

[michaelskis]

It could be much worse. Something like

County girl looks for guy
Age: 50
Relationship: Divorced (three times)
Kids: 7
Religion: Evangelical
Race: Caucasian
Location: Lake City Michigan
Body Type: Over weight
Occupation: None
Education: Some HS

I be a redneck woman who be looking for a sexy rich man. Must have a job and a house. We are sick of this damn trailer and a man who can’t stay sober enough for a job. This place is too small for the pets (2 dogs, 5 cats, 3 lizards, and a goat), and the kids (5 boys ages 19 (just out of jail), 14, 13, 11, and one month, 2 girls, 16 yr and 11 months old). Oh and one grandkid (8 months old) lives here too. Must be well endowed with a layer, doctor, or banker type job. My mamma said to ask for a guy with money and class. Sick of eaten at burger king and Beef-a-roo.








Disclaimer:
While yes, there are some questionable women in Michigan, we also have more than our share of phenomenally attractive and wonderful women.

[SW MI Planner]

Well....at least you know exactly what they are looking for and you should run in the opposite direction. That said, I think it is interesting that in a previous thread of yours about the online dating thing regarding large women, but you chose to highlight the bit about excessive body hair being a turn off and being in shape as a must. How is this different than your previous thoughts?

I thought the same thing.

Maybe its my geography why I am still single?

Hey DT, I was thinking you should get in touch with the 43 year old from Detroit! Not sure if you fit the whole body hair thing or not, but she's Catholic!!

I've never done the whole on-line dating thing, but my two best friends met their now husbands that way! So, something must be working! I guess I would rather people be upfront and honest - why waste anyone time with niceties? PLus, you can tell a little bit about their personalities - Vixen is obiously a little bit immature and bitter to talk about Robbies size in her posting!!

[Jaxspra]

I just recently put a profile on Match.com; took it off after 3 days. It was horrible..the guys that contacted me were gross, any of the cute ones were never online....no different than the bars...I'd rather spend $35 in a bar having fun, than $35 on an internet site with gross guys that have long tongue fetishes.....hgughughugguhug at least I tried for a minute