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Poll results: Satan's sign code: pick your poision.

Voters
27. You may not vote on this poll
  • Canadian-style portable signs everywhere

    10 37.04%
  • Electronic message centers in Vegas mode everywhere

    9 33.33%
  • Huge billboards everywhere

    8 29.63%
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Thread: Satan's sign code

  1. #1
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    Satan's sign code

    The Devil himself is forcing you to adopt a new sign code. You've got three options, lest the souls of everybody in your community burn for all eternity.

    1) Every business must display a Canadian-style portable sign, minimum size 32'^2, with a 0' setback from the public ROW. That means if there's 30 tenants in a shopping center, all of them must display a Canadian-style portable sign, 10 medical practices in a medical office building? 10 black portables from the Great White North.

    Think of this ...



    ... times 10 or 20.

    2) Every business must have an electronic message center, with the display set in full Vegas mode; constant transitions, animation, blinking, chasing, and the like. Minimum size of the display: 32'^2, minimum height 10'.

    Basically, this everywhere.



    Or ...

    3) Freestanding on-premises signs are prohibited. However, full size (672'^2) billboards must be placed at intervals of 300' along both sides of all major and minor arterials. Minimum height - 40'.

    35 of these every mile. (Too lazy to do the metric conversion now.)



    Pick your visual pollutant.
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  2. #2
    moderator in moderation Suburb Repairman's avatar
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    Every business, including each tenant in a strip mall, must have some kind of giant inflatable animal on its roof. The animal must be at least 20 feet tall. On two-level strip centers, the inflatable animals must be placed on top of one another.

    Every business, including each tenant in a strip mall, must install a minimum 150' tall flagpole with a gigantic U.S. flag. Special exception allowed to use a Texas flag, regardless of the state the business is located in.

    "Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country."

    - Herman Göring at the Nuremburg trials (thoughts on democracy)

  3. #3
    OH....IO Hink's avatar
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    I will go with #3 as long as it isn't digital. I think #1 would kill me, and #2 would distract me until I kill myself.

    #3 at least I can just try to not look up.
    A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. -Douglas Adams

  4. #4
    Cyburbian Rygor's avatar
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    Clearly this version of Satan just enjoys torturing planners. I'm sure most of the business owners would LOVE it (at least options 1 and 2).

    For that reason, I'd have to go with #2, quit being a planner, and open my own business.

    Quote Originally posted by Suburb Repairman View post
    Every business, including each tenant in a strip mall, must have some kind of giant inflatable animal on its roof. The animal must be at least 20 feet tall. On two-level strip centers, the inflatable animals must be placed on top of one another.
    That is the best idea EVER. Downtown would look a mix between a 4 year-olds messy bedroom floor and a giant petting zoo. Love it!
    Last edited by Gedunker; 29 Apr 2010 at 1:24 PM. Reason: seq. posts
    "When life gives you lemons, just say 'No thanks'." - Henry Rollins

  5. #5
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Rygor View post
    For that reason, I'd have to go with #2, quit being a planner, and open my own business.
    I voted for #1, only because late at night, I can do some creative sign "modifications". Canadian portables don't have locking covers. *evil laugh*
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  6. #6
    Cyburbian Duke Of Dystopia's avatar
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    Got to go for #2.

    All that digital blinking means your community is high tech, and your health care costs are lower due to having driven all of the epileptics from your community.

    OR

    The church with the hellfire signage is right across from the Hellfire adult night club with signage. Driving between them gives the feel of being bar-b-qued!

    RULE #2:
    All electronic signage MUST be a minimum of 1080p in resolution, be visible in bright sunlight from 1,000 yards and Must also have some part of the electronic message in motion at ALL times.
    I can't deliver UTOPIA, but I can create a HELL for you to LIVE in :)DoD:(

  7. #7
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Dan View post
    The Devil himself is forcing you to adopt a new sign code. You've got three options, lest the souls of everybody in your community burn for all eternity.
    I just can't get my head around the concept of signing a pact with the devil to avoid going to hell. This is a non-binding referendum, isn't it?
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  8. #8
    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Duke Of Dystopia View post
    Got to go for #2.

    All that digital blinking means your community is high tech, and your health care costs are lower due to having driven all of the epileptics from your community.

    OR

    The church with the hellfire signage is right across from the Hellfire adult night club with signage. Driving between them gives the feel of being bar-b-qued!

    RULE #2:
    All electronic signage MUST be a minimum of 1080p in resolution, be visible in bright sunlight from 1,000 yards and Must also have some part of the electronic message in motion at ALL times.
    I hate portable signs and billboards...so #2 it is. I concur with DoD's sentiments.
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  9. #9
    Cyburbian Otis's avatar
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    I'm going with bachelor number 2. It would be like having drive in channel surfing. Just pick a sign you like and watch the show. If it's bad, move on to another.

  10. #10
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Suburb Repairman View post
    Every business, including each tenant in a strip mall, must have some kind of giant inflatable animal on its roof. The animal must be at least 20 feet tall. On two-level strip centers, the inflatable animals must be placed on top of one another.

    Every business, including each tenant in a strip mall, must install a minimum 150' tall flagpole with a gigantic U.S. flag. Special exception allowed to use a Texas flag, regardless of the state the business is located in.
    I like it! How about option #6:

    Every business, including individual tenants in shopping centers and office buildings, must have at least two costumed mascots out on the street at all times, holding signs, waving, and so on. Tax preparation businesses must use at least five Statue of Liberty mascots simultaneously. When a business has a sale or promotion, they must each employ 10 homeless men within a five minute drive of the site to carry fluorescent-colored signs.
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  11. #11
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
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    No 'all of the above' option?

    So either one turns their entire community into Hell or everyone in it ends up going there?
    Think about that choice a minute....

    Off-topic:
    Btw Dan, how did you get actual photos of the Afterlife (at least the Downstairs)?

  12. #12
    Cyburbian Plus Whose Yur Planner's avatar
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    I can live with 2 or 3, 1 looks like redneck heaven. <Putting on former building commission hat> You have safety issues with the portable signs unless they are well achored. We don't allow them because of the safety issues.
    When did I go from Luke Skywalker to Obi-Wan Kenobi?

  13. #13
    Cyburbian Otis's avatar
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    Don't forget to require them to be poorly maintained, and to include misspellings and missing letters.

    Off-topic: My favorite misspelling from Otisville was a woo-woo crystal and incense shop with a sign offering "Mandelas" for sale.

  14. #14
    Cyburbian natski's avatar
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    Has there ever been a study that observes the effectiveness of different types of signs? Actually i probably dont want to know....
    "Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?" Zoolander

  15. #15
    Cyburbian
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    Quote Originally posted by Hink_Planner View post
    I will go with #3 as long as it isn't digital. I think #1 would kill me, and #2 would distract me until I kill myself.

    #3 at least I can just try to not look up.
    Same here. #1 is really horrible and in your face. #2...well, let's just say I don't want one of those outside my bedroom window (which happened to a neighborhood in one area where I worked...a neighborhood of a board member no less). I'm a light sleeper as it is.

  16. #16
    Cyburbian mgk920's avatar
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    I'd probably go with #3 - the billboards lining the entire unincorporated stretches of US 41 in Winnebago County, WI (just south of where I live here in Appleton) are the very definition of ugly. I can deal with #2, as they are now so ubiquitous that they blend into the landscape and even though they may raise hackles in some circles here in Cyburbialand, they DO add interest to the roadside.

    Mike

  17. #17
    Cyburbian DetroitPlanner's avatar
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    Canadian portables are by far the ugliest, but the most obnoxious are the full color electronic ones that change every five seconds. I feel sorry for anyone who has had one of these put within a brightening distance from thier home. Maybe they can get these with some sort of light pollution ordinance?
    We hope for better things; it will arise from the ashes - Fr Gabriel Richard 1805

  18. #18
    Cyburbian Duke Of Dystopia's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by DetroitPlanner View post
    Canadian portables are by far the ugliest, but the most obnoxious are the full color electronic ones that change every five seconds. I feel sorry for anyone who has had one of these put within a brightening distance from thier home. Maybe they can get these with some sort of light pollution ordinance?
    Or once you discover where the power source is located, late at night.....
    I can't deliver UTOPIA, but I can create a HELL for you to LIVE in :)DoD:(

  19. #19
    Cyburbian WSU MUP Student's avatar
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    I voted the Canadian style because then I could hope for a nice strong wind to come and clean up my town (sorry to whomever is downwind).
    "Where free unions and collective bargaining are forbidden, freedom is lost." - 1980 Republican presidential candidate Ronald Reagan

  20. #20
    maudit anglais
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    I hope everyone in my community likes it hot!

  21. #21
    Cyburbian dvdneal's avatar
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    The sad part is that my city is working on the sign code change now. Despite our best efforts it looks like it will be a blend of #1 and #2 with a dash of #3 on our 1 freeway.
    I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's Law. I merely enforce it.

  22. #22
    Cyburbian imaplanner's avatar
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    What I've always wondered is whether there are people that just love to see sign clutter. I had someone recently complaining about the fact that there are no signs in our city showing the time and temp (we don't allow electronic signs).
    Children in the back seat can cause accidents - and vice versa.

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