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Thread: Friend issues

  1. #1
    Cyburbian Plus Zoning Goddess's avatar
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    Friend issues

    My oldest friend, of over 40 years, has decided to blame me for every bad decision she has made in the last 5 yrs. Sadly, end of a long friendship.

    Moderator note:
    Maister: split from RTDNTOTO
    Last edited by Maister; 22 Aug 2012 at 10:38 PM.

  2. #2
    Cyburbian
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    Quote Originally posted by Zoning Goddess View post
    My oldest friend, of over 40 years, has decided to blame me for every bad decision she has made in the last 5 yrs. Sadly, end of a long friendship.
    I'm sorry this happened. It is a sad ending.

  3. #3
    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Zoning Goddess View post
    My oldest friend, of over 40 years, has decided to blame me for every bad decision she has made in the last 5 yrs. Sadly, end of a long friendship.
    I've been there. It sucks.
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  4. #4
    Cyburbian Plus dandy_warhol's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Zoning Goddess View post
    I woke up at 3 a.m. this morning and never could get back to sleep. Major case of dragging a$$ here.
    I woke up at 4. Didn't get back to sleep until about 5. Hubby woke up at 5:25 and forgot to turn off his alarm that went off at 5:30. I struggled to figure out how to turn it off, short of slamming it into the wall. My alarm went off at 6:30 and couldn't figure out how to turn it off only to realize that I was still asleep and woke up to turn off the alarm. Ugh. I am tired.





    Sorry about the friend situation, ZG. I'm currently weaning my "best friend" from high school who still pretends we're the best of friends even though we never talk and she flaked after I lost the first baby. Life is too short for sh!tty friends.

  5. #5
    Cyburbian SW MI Planner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Zoning Goddess View post
    My oldest friend, of over 40 years, has decided to blame me for every bad decision she has made in the last 5 yrs. Sadly, end of a long friendship.
    Sad, but in the end it's probably best. People like that are emotionally draining, and sometimes it's best to walk away for your own sanity.

  6. #6
    Cyburbian Plus Zoning Goddess's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by kms View post
    I'm sorry this happened. It is a sad ending.
    The good news is: my second oldest friend, also of more than 40 yrs, called a couple hours ago. She's in the area on business and will be dropping by today for a visit.

    My guess is, we'll be talking about the no-longer-friend, who blew second-oldest friend off a couple years ago.

  7. #7
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Zoning Goddess View post
    My oldest friend, of over 40 years, has decided to blame me for every bad decision she has made in the last 5 yrs. Sadly, end of a long friendship.
    That is very sad that some people will blame others for their decisions. There is no way a person can force another person to do something.... anything. With everything in life we have a decision to make and granted sometimes bad things happen regardless of that decision, it is still a decision. While we have not always agreed on things, based on what I do know of you, my guess is that you actually provided insight and encouraged her to make better choices than if you were not involved.

    I had a similar situation where my best friend from college decided not to associate with me because I had made some very right decisions and he had made some very poor decisions. His in-laws live in my City and they come to the City every month, but he has yet to return my phone call to meet up over the past 4 years.

    I am sure that RJ credits you for all the good decisions he has made in the past 5 years... Now if we can just get him to admit that Michigan wine is good, the world will be complete.


    On a more random note... I hate stripping paint... even if it does involve the use of a very awesome power tool... I feel that I am just beginning the process and I already have 1/5 of the house stripped to the wood (some already primed too)... but I still have a very long ways to go.
    Not my monkey, not my circus. - Old Polish Proverb

  8. #8
    Cyburbian Mud Princess's avatar
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    On friendship: Today I realized that since we moved to the new place (going on 4 months now), only one of my friends has come by to see it.

    It's really hard to start new friendships when you get to a certain age... especially if you're introverted to begin with.

  9. #9
    OH....IO Hink's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Mud Princess View post
    It's really hard to start new friendships when you get to a certain age... especially if you're introverted to begin with.
    I think it is difficult to find people who are in the same life situation as you after a certain point. None of my long time friends have 3 kids and not many are even married. That puts us in very different places, which makes friendships much more difficult.
    A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. -Douglas Adams

  10. #10
    Cyburbian Plus
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    Quote Originally posted by Mud Princess View post
    It's really hard to start new friendships when you get to a certain age... especially if you're introverted to begin with.
    I have experienced that too; particularly being over 50, single & no kids.
    When moved here I found that everyone in my office was from this fair city, even a few had moved away they had moved back. Talk about being an outsider.
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  11. #11
    Cyburbian Plus dandy_warhol's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Mud Princess View post
    On friendship: Today I realized that since we moved to the new place (going on 4 months now), only one of my friends has come by to see it.

    It's really hard to start new friendships when you get to a certain age... especially if you're introverted to begin with.
    Quote Originally posted by Hink View post
    I think it is difficult to find people who are in the same life situation as you after a certain point. None of my long time friends have 3 kids and not many are even married. That puts us in very different places, which makes friendships much more difficult.
    The other day I almost posted that I wished some of you would move to My Fair City so that I could have some friends here that I like and that share similar interests.

  12. #12
    Cyburbian
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    Quote Originally posted by Zoning Goddess View post
    The good news is: my second oldest friend, also of more than 40 yrs, called a couple hours ago. She's in the area on business and will be dropping by today for a visit.

    My guess is, we'll be talking about the no-longer-friend, who blew second-oldest friend off a couple years ago.
    Catch up and enjoy the loyal friend and don't give the ex-friend any of this time. She'll spoil it, despite being absent and not even being your friend.

    I met up with some high school friends a couple of weeks ago. We haven't really seen each other for 35 years. The conversation turned to menopause...is that the best they could do after 3 decades? I excused myself and went home where I could be alone with my menopause.

    Oh, and in case you're interested and still reading, I feel like having cake batter for dinner. I don't know what's up with that.

  13. #13
    Cyburbian ursus's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by dandy_warhol View post
    The other day I almost posted that I wished some of you would move to My Fair City so that I could have some friends here that I like and that share similar interests.
    That gets an "Aaaawwwwwwww!!". I bet we could have a heck of a game of Jenga in your living room!
    "...I would never try to tick Hink off. He kinda intimidates me. He's quite butch, you know." - Maister

  14. #14
    Cyburbian ursus's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by kms View post

    I met up with some high school friends a couple of weeks ago. We haven't really seen each other for 35 years. The conversation turned to menopause...is that the best they could do after 3 decades? I excused myself and went home where I could be alone with my menopause.

    Oh, and in case you're interested and still reading, I feel like having cake batter for dinner. I don't know what's up with that.
    It's not a symptom of menopause because I often feel like having cake batter for dinner and I'm pretty sure I'm not in menopause. (imaplanner, don't even think it.)
    "...I would never try to tick Hink off. He kinda intimidates me. He's quite butch, you know." - Maister

  15. #15
    Cyburbian otterpop's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Mud Princess View post
    . . .It's really hard to start new friendships when you get to a certain age... especially if you're introverted to begin with.
    I can really relate. I am an introvert to the max. I went to a party last week and I exhausted my five minutes of small talk pretty quickly. Recently I read a very good book on introversion that helped me understand myself better. I've accepted, as frustrating as it is sometimes, I am not really going to change. I am hard-wired to be an introvert.

    I made life choices that helped seal my fate. I moved thousands of miles from friends and family and have remained here for 25 years.

    Two of my oldest friends are dead. I do talk to another close friend almost every week, but we don't see each other. I like the people I work with but we don't spend much time together outside of work. Basically, my social circle is my wife, my son and me. Fortunately, my son did not inherit my introversion or taciturnity.

    The odd thing about the whole internet social network phenomena is there are people in Cyburbia (who I likely will never meet in person) who know me better than people I interact with in "real life."
    "I am very good at reading women, but I get into trouble for using the Braille method."

    ~ Otterpop ~

  16. #16
    Cyburbian Veloise's avatar
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    Friends...

    Quote Originally posted by dandy_warhol View post
    ...Sorry about the friend situation, ZG. I'm currently weaning my "best friend" from high school who still pretends we're the best of friends even though we never talk and she flaked after I lost the first baby. Life is too short for sh!tty friends

    Et voila!
    the slogan for my new tattoo!

    A long-time friend is coming to town for a local special event this week, and frankly I am dreading it. Our respective irregular surfaces fit okay about fifteen years ago. We met contra dancing, and folks thought we looked somewhat alike, so for a while we called each other "sis."

    She is one of three people who, when I requested a referral for a major social services life event, sent negative reviews. Trashed me, in fact. The agency clouded their responses, but I know who said what, and it's hard to face someone who had such an impact on my present lifestyle. I've dealt with it and moved along, but I'd prefer to not pretend that we're best buds and get along sooo well.

    In thinking about this, just as one outgrows the childhood family vacations in the station wagon ("a motel with a pool?? my favorite!!"), personalities and lifestyles grow and evolve. I don't regret letting fading friendships go. Presently I am in a singles group at church, and I would rather spend more time with those recent folks than anyone from high school, college round I or 2, or someone sitting at the table next to me in a coffee shop.

  17. #17
    Cyburbian SW MI Planner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Veloise View post
    A long-time friend is coming to town for a local special event this week, and frankly I am dreading it.
    Do you *have* to see her? If not, I would avoid her. Like I said earlier, these type of people are draining and suck all the energy out of you. Stay away if at all possible.

    The whole relationship thing is a part of the cycle of life. Things change, people change (some grow up, some don't), priorties change.

    I'm still good friends with my oldest friend, but we talk probably only three times a year. There are times I feel bad because I don't talk to a lot of people that at one time were very important to me, feel like I should reach out and say hi. But I also have to remember it's a two way street, and it shouldn't always have to be me that reachs out. Facebook and other social media doesn't help because I think you feel up to speed iwth peple and what they are doing, so it makes it even less necessary to make contact to say hi and see how someone is doing. My bf and I joke that we don't have any friends, but in reality we kind of don't. There are a couple groups of people we would invite over if we had a party (but probably not together, they wouldn't mix well), but no one that we call to go to dinner as a couple. But frankly we are so busy anyway, that it's not like we have a lot of time anyway.

  18. #18
    Cyburbian Fat Cat's avatar
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    Fat Cat

    I too, am sorry to hear this. But I think that you did not lose a friend, she did.

  19. #19
    Cyburbian Planit's avatar
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    My best friend from HS and I send Christmas cards to each other but thats about it. He lives in Michigan and I'm here. We did happen to be back home at the same time a couple of years ago and met. We sat for over an hour just catching up. We were in a crowded bar, but it felt like no one else was there except us.
    "Whatever beer I'm drinking, is better than the one I'm not." DMLW
    "Budweiser sells a product they reflectively insist on calling beer." John Oliver

  20. #20
    Cyburbian ursus's avatar
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    I wonder if it's like this for other people. I have three "close" friends, really. One lives in Houston now, one in California, and one like 2 miles from me. I see the Houston and California friends when they are in town, usually once every two years or so. We occasionally trade emails or phone calls, but only infrequently. I bump into my local friend, but we almost never get together on purpose.

    The weird part is that it never seems weird. I'll get a call from Houston after not talking for months and it's like totally normal. Rick will call from California after a year and a half and say he's going to be in town - and we just pick up where we left things. I count these guys my "Closest Friends" and yet have nothing truly to do with them. Is that normal?

    I have a lot more to do on a daily basis with my neighbors, but the things I went through with Houston, California and 2 Miles make them much more important to me I guess.
    "...I would never try to tick Hink off. He kinda intimidates me. He's quite butch, you know." - Maister

  21. #21
    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by ursus View post
    I wonder if it's like this for other people. I have three "close" friends, really. One lives in Houston now, one in California, and one like 2 miles from me. I see the Houston and California friends when they are in town, usually once every two years or so. We occasionally trade emails or phone calls, but only infrequently. I bump into my local friend, but we almost never get together on purpose.

    The weird part is that it never seems weird. I'll get a call from Houston after not talking for months and it's like totally normal. Rick will call from California after a year and a half and say he's going to be in town - and we just pick up where we left things. I count these guys my "Closest Friends" and yet have nothing truly to do with them. Is that normal?

    I have a lot more to do on a daily basis with my neighbors, but the things I went through with Houston, California and 2 Miles make them much more important to me I guess.
    Same here. My two dearest friends are in Washington and Oregon while I live in NJ. I haven't seen either one of them since 2003 at my mother's funeral. We keep in touch through email and Facebook with an occasional call. My friend that lives in Oregon was in NYC last year since the Today show did a piece on her daughter who underwent a very rare surgery to stop her near constant seizures. Unfortunately it was an in and out kind of deal and I was recovering from surgery myself so we couldn't make it work to meet up.

    One of those dear friends tells me that the beauty of our near lifelong friendship is that we take up exactly where we left off when we last saw each other.
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  22. #22
    Cyburbian Mud Princess's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by otterpop View post
    I can really relate. I am an introvert to the max. I went to a party last week and I exhausted my five minutes of small talk pretty quickly. Recently I read a very good book on introversion that helped me understand myself better. I've accepted, as frustrating as it is sometimes, I am not really going to change. I am hard-wired to be an introvert.

    ... Basically, my social circle is my wife, my son and me.
    Thanks, otterpop. Your post made me feel less alone. I've read a couple of those books about introversion too. I am finally accepting who I am, even if the rest of the world (or the part of it that's more extroverted) does not.

    I don't really have a social circle anymore. I'm involved in a few local organizations, which helps some, but it's been a long time since I've had a best friend or even a small group of friends locally with whom I could get together occasionally. (Side note: Media portrayals of "girls' night out," "girlfriend getaways," etc. really annoy me. That's definitely not my life!) I keep in touch with a lot of old friends -- folks from high school, college, and beyond -- via Facebook. That's great, but it really isn't the same as getting together in person. Most of them don't live nearby, or if they do, they have young children who keep them busy.

  23. #23
    Cyburbian Plus dandy_warhol's avatar
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    I totally get where you and otterpop are at, MP.

    One of the things I struggle with is the fact that my parents have a great group of friends who they've been friends with for over 30 years. I always imagined/hoped that I would have a similar group of friends but that hasn't happened and it depresses me a bit. I really enjoyed growing up with that kind of support system and, if we ever have kids, I hoped that I would have something similar.

  24. #24
    maudit anglais
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    Quote Originally posted by Mud Princess View post
    Thanks, otterpop. Your post made me feel less alone. I've read a couple of those books about introversion too. I am finally accepting who I am, even if the rest of the world (or the part of it that's more extroverted) does not.
    MP/OP, care to share some of those book titles?

    I've found as I'm getting older I'm turning into the one person I never wanted to be personality-wise...my dad (the miserable old sod). Though I certainly am much more understanding of his thought processes and why he does the things that he did/does!

    My brother got all the extrovert genes and I got the introvert side. We're planning a party for my parent's anniversary and he's driving me nuts with all the details/things he wants to include, the latest being an extended Monty Pythonesque family history speech.

    I have a couple of good friends that I'm in touch with regularly, but for most the most part it's co-workers, colleagues and acquaintances.

  25. #25
    Cyburbian Mud Princess's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Tranplanner View post
    MP/OP, care to share some of those book titles?
    Sure. Good thing I've been tracking my reading habits.

    Quiet: the Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain

    Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength by Laurie A. Helgoe

    One on my list that I haven't read yet is Self-Promotion for Introverts: The Quiet Guide to Getting Ahead by Nancy Ancowitz. The author also has a blog.

    Quote Originally posted by Tranplanner View post
    My brother got all the extrovert genes and I got the introvert side. We're planning a party for my parent's anniversary and he's driving me nuts with all the details/things he wants to include, the latest being an extended Monty Pythonesque family history speech.
    Ugh. That sounds torturous to me. Though I wouldn't call her an extreme extrovert, my sister definitely likes being around lots of people. It's particularly awkward when she invites me to parties (and potlucks - ugh2) at her house; no matter how nice some of her friends are, there are just too many people and I get overwhelmed pretty quickly. Not to mention the feeling of being on-stage and hearing "Oh, you're ***'s sister! You look so much alike!" about 50 times.

    Great, now I can't get the theme from The Courtship of Eddie's Father out of my head!

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