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Thread: Confused about women….

  1. #26
    Cyburbian jordanb's avatar
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    ^-- Mike she sounds like an iceberg.

    The Catholic thing would be a deal-breaker for me. A girl has to be catholic or willing to convert for me. I wouldn't give that up.

  2. #27
    Cyburbian Duke Of Dystopia's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by michaelskis
    Well I am not at work today because I am in Traverse City with my Buddy and his GF, seeing how other couples are, make me more so realize issues.

    Some issues are, I am a romantic, she is not
    I am more social, she likes to stay home unless it is a big group going out.
    I would like to stay in SW Michigan... she is not sure
    I would like to raise me kids Catholic, but she does not beleive in that.
    I dress up when we go out, she wears just about the same thing any time we go out, (she is dressy at work,,, but not with me)
    I like some affection in public, she does not.
    I like to spend more time with her, but it still feels like a long distance relationship.
    *there are several others as well.
    Not a thing in the above that is serious in any way. Let her be her, and you will find that most of these things are merley cosmetic.

    Your desire to be too close makes her feel uncofortable and controled. Loosen up the control and the rest will follow.

    We are what we are and nothing will change that. Does growing up non-catholic mean a lack of belief in the devine being? If so, it is you with the issues, not her.

    Just my 3 cents worth.

    Good Luck!
    I can't deliver UTOPIA, but I can create a HELL for you to LIVE in :)DoD:(

  3. #28
    Cyburbian Queen B's avatar
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    First of all I think that people try to hard the find that "perfect" match.
    No two people are going to see eye to eye on every thing.
    The Pros must outweigh the Cons
    In a "differences" list you have to look at all of the things that the other wants in life and ask yourself if you can agree or comprimise to their side, and then ask the other party if they would be able to comprimise to your side.
    Find out what the true issues are that the other just can not budge from in their beliefs and there you have the decision as to whether to continue or end the relationship.

    Your description of her sounds as if you are much more social and she is much more stay at home.

    We battle about that issue at my house too. If my husband had his way we would go see who is at the bar every night. I would rather stay home and go out one or two nights a week. That doesn't mean I don't like to go out but the bar is not my life and I just don't get the same satisfaction out of it he does. So we stay home as much as he can stand and I go out more than I would care to.

    The whole idea is the ability to comprimise, can you do that and can the other party. You should not always give up on your wants and desires and neither should the other person. But if you are in a relationship you will always be giving up something. Hopefully you will gain quantifiably more.

    If not get out because there will be someone out there looking for the kind of love and attention that you are willing to give.
    It is all a matter of perspective!!!

  4. #29
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Queen B
    Your description of her sounds as if you are much more social and she is much more stay at home.
    If I recall correctly, the girl in question is also in medical school. Perhaps she is just overwhelmed at the moment.

    Mr. Zone was much more attentive before he joined the military. One of the biggest issues in our marriage has been that the extrovert stayed home with the kids while the introvert had a job dealing with people all day. He came home and I wanted an adult to talk to -- and all he wanted was to be left the h*** alone. If I had had a highly social job while he did computer programming or some other socially isolated job, the marriage would have worked a lot better.

    So whether differences in introversion or extroversion become problematic depends partly on circumstances -- some of which, we ultimately have control over even if we do not immediately have control over them. And there is no law that says a couple can only go out together. Some couples find that letting the more extroverted person go out with friends sometimes while the homebody stays home helps the relationship.

    And, finally, I have read a lot of books about relationship issues. Some of the best of them say, essentially, that for couples who love each other, they are happy with compromises. And for couples who don't love each other, they aren't. And it can be the exact same compromise on the exact same issue but for one couple, they are happy with it and for another couple, it is a source of endless irritation.

  5. #30
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by el Guapo
    Women are like new bicycle seats ... .
    DUDE! I thought you were SOOO taking that in a different direction.


  6. #31
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
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    Well, after thinking about it more, thinking about what I want in my future, seeing how things are with other couples I know, and thinking about how her and I interact with each other, I realize that things might not work.

    As for things being just on the surface, they are all things that I realize that I would like, many little things add up. I don't want her to change for me, and I would like to be with a woman who does not want me to change. As for that catholic thing, if she was strill christian, that would be one thing, but she was raised Jewish, and does not follow any religion now.

    I was also thinking about the internet thing, (that is how I met her) and I realzied something a bit important. Would I have ever met her if I did not meet her though the net, and the answer is no. The group of people that she hangs out with, the things that she does, and the places she goes are much different than mine.

    Finally, she mentioned something to me that is now standing out. She told me that she does not want an "our life" type of thing. She wants her life to remain, my life to remain, and our lives to be seperate, but work well togeather. I realized that I might want someone that I could share my life with, and someone who would share their life with me.
    Not my monkey, not my circus. - Old Polish Proverb

  7. #32
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by nerudite
    Not necessarily. I had to ask myself the same question a few times in my relationship with BME. I think the older that you get, the more baggage you come with. And some you can deal with, and some you can't. It took a few months of soul searching and a lot of talks, before I decided that this is the life for me. I think anyone considering marriage or long-term commitments comes across the question at some point or another. Now, the fact that he's asking US... well, maybe that's a bad sign. But the question itself is one that I've gone through with all of my relationships, including my present one. It doesn't always have to spell the end of the relationship.

    OK, I'll recant and agree wiith you 100% here. But I would add, Mike's baggage list seems pretty short (catholic, young republican...) :-S Mike is too young to be soul searching about an internet babe (sorry soul searchers and internet babes).

  8. #33

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    I agree that most of those differences are not deal breakers - indeed, you won't be learning much from a relationship if there aren't some interesting differences. That doesn't mean its going to work, or that hanging in there is a good idea if you are not so inclined. You've got to be guided by your own light, but hanging out with somebody who challenges some of your assumptions for a while is a good thing.

    The most important thing is not to let this experience have looking a women with a checklist in mind - I think the Internet dating lends itself to that (I went out once with a woman who carried the checklist in her handbag - strange but true). Life is not supposed to be that organized.

  9. #34
    Cyburbian SW MI Planner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Budgie
    I WILL STOP NOW, unless someone is interested in the specifics. Queen B is tired of hearing about it and Rumpy thinks it's hilarious and MZ says she's been there before (sort of).
    Hey, you know where to come anytime you want advice Except, perhaps I am not the best person since I have my own issues.

    I think Mike's question about how do you know when it's over is a good one. Don't know if there is any answer though. I personally don't think that you can be in a relationship where it is not "our life", except in the beginning. When it gets to the point of engagement, marriage, and especially children - it's our life. Of course, I feel strongly that you shouldn't lose your own identity either. I don't think you (or anyone) are going to meet a person that fits 100% of what you are looking for. It's all about compromise.

    Have you come right out and asked her - he do these differences bother you, and what do you think we should do about them?

    Only you know what items are deal breakers. Mine, was about children. I would want like 5 kids. Hubby didn't want any. We compromised on two. Now he says he doesn't want anymore, but that's a whole other drama.

  10. #35
          Downtown's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by michaelskis
    Well I am not at work today because I am in Traverse City with my Buddy and his GF, seeing how other couples are, make me more so realize issues.

    Some issues are, I am a romantic, she is not
    I am more social, she likes to stay home unless it is a big group going out.
    I would like to stay in SW Michigan... she is not sure
    I would like to raise me kids Catholic, but she does not beleive in that.
    I dress up when we go out, she wears just about the same thing any time we go out, (she is dressy at work,,, but not with me)
    I like some affection in public, she does not.
    I like to spend more time with her, but it still feels like a long distance relationship.
    *there are several others as well.
    Quote Originally posted by michaelskis
    Finally, she mentioned something to me that is now standing out. She told me that she does not want an "our life" type of thing. She wants her life to remain, my life to remain, and our lives to be seperate, but work well togeather. I realized that I might want someone that I could share my life with, and someone who would share their life with me.
    There isn't anything is the top category that can't be dealt with. Rob and I are very socially different - I'm a butterfly, he's a loner - but he's not *antisocial* and i'm romantic and he's not, but at least he appreciates it when I am and occasionally he makes an effort. the thing that concerns me more is the second issues.

    I don't think that the two of you will be able to reconcile your feelings on this. and if you are planning to have children together, i can't imagine how that would work, because almost your entire life becomes about the kids, almost completely sublimating the rest of your individual lives - and if you haven't been team playing before then, you're bound to run into problems.

    now a quick note on the catholic thing - rob and i have found a very good compromise. he was raised catholic, and i was raised by an atheist and agnostic. I was very much anti-catholic (the whole culture of the woman hating patriarchal vatican, etc) and as I aged, I mellowed, and we found the Polish National Catholic Church which does all the catholic sacraments, but doesn't follow the vatican, allows priests to marry, divorced and gay people in the church, birth control and the parishes are run very democratically. i call it Catholic Lite. Acceptable to both rob and myself.

  11. #36
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
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    Well last night she came over, and I mentioned some of my concerns with things. It went well, and for right now at least we are going to see where we stand on things, and how much they may or may not have an impact on our relationship.

    I think that I am going to see how the week goes, where she knows that I am worried about a few things. I think that her and I will end up sitting down and talking, to fully let the other know where we stand on many on these life choices.
    Not my monkey, not my circus. - Old Polish Proverb

  12. #37
    Cyburbian el Guapo's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Chet
    DUDE! I thought you were SOOO taking that in a different direction.


    I had the whole thing written and then I said...nah. Best keep it Work Safe.

    [kidding]
    Michael What's her email address? I could solve this problem for you.
    [/kidding]

  13. #38
    Cyburbian Rumpy Tunanator's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Budgie
    I WILL STOP NOW, unless someone is interested in the specifics. Queen B is tired of hearing about it and Rumpy thinks it's hilarious and MZ says she's been there before (sort of).
    Come on, you know why I thought it was hilarious (it wasn't because of the beer, it had to do with something about windows)
    A guy once told me, "Do not have any attachments, do not have anything in your life you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you spot the heat around the corner."


    Neil McCauley (Robert DeNiro): Heat 1995

  14. #39
    Cyburbian JNL's avatar
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    Mike - thought you might appreciate this Irish proverb:

    There are only three kinds of men
    who can't understand women -
    young men, old men
    and men of middle age.


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