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Thread: You don't have to do EVERYTHING with the new wife... DO YOU?

  1. #1
    Cyburbian PlannerByDay's avatar
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    You don't have to do EVERYTHING with the new wife... DO YOU?

    Here is a recent e-mail from a recently married buddy of mine sent regarding going out for beer. Is this guy whipped, am I in the dark regarding married life or what. Help me understand. Ladies I need you to way in also.

    Buddy e-mails to PBD:

    something to consider... do we want to join the ladies (XXXX and some of my friends from work are already getting together, and they asked us if we want to join them) or do we want to do 'the guy thing'? i'm in for whatever, where ever.

    PBD Response:

    Mrs. PBD asked the same thing last night. I said I thought it was a guy thing.
    I guess we can allow the ladies. Let me know so I can invite her is that is what we want to do


    Buddy Responds to PBD:
    ladies are ALWAYS invited. we're married, so they're kind of a package deal (i mean that in a good way!).

    PBD Response:

    I agree but disagree, there should always be time away from the wife that gives both them and us an opportuntiy for alone/personal time which everyone needs

    That is why guys generally watch football, go hunting, join bowling leagues, joint the Lions and other "guys only" social organizations and other thing with guys only. This is so husbands can be guys, kids, slobs, etc. and bond with other guys with out offending and worrying about their wives.

    So I'm assuming were inviting the ladies?

    edited: added SOME NOTES

    Observation Buddy states "do we want to join the ladies"
    Question: Why cant they join us?

    I should note, Mrs PBD was cool with the "Guy Only" Thing. Her response was go ahead you haven't been out with them in a while, I think I'll take a bath and read my book.

  2. #2
    Cyburbian nerudite's avatar
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    That really depends on the type of people that you are. BME and I are fairly inseparable most times. Other than work, there are few instances where we socialize without inviting the other one along. I don't think it's bad to do things separately from time to time, but it just doesn't happen to work out that way with us much.

  3. #3
    Cyburbian SW MI Planner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by PlannerByDay
    PBD Response:
    Mrs. PBD asked the same thing last night. I said I thought it was a guy thing.
    I guess we can allow the ladies. Let me know so I can invite her is that is what we want to do

    Buddy Responds to PBD:
    ladies are ALWAYS invited. we're married, so they're kind of a package deal (i mean that in a good way!).
    Yah, I don't really buy your buddies response. If DH wants to go out on occassion with some friends, then I don't care. In the same respect, if I want to go out with the girls, than I expect it to not be a problem.

    It would become a problem if it became a habit and he was going out all the time and I was NEVER invited. It would also be a problem if we never went out together. Having said all that, with the baby, neither of us goes out that much anyway, so it's not a problem. Maybe once every other month or something.

  4. #4
    Cyburbian the north omaha star's avatar
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    Being a recently newlwed, I haven't had that problem yet. I don't expect to either. The Mrs...Star and I recognize that we both had lives before we were married, before we even met. Occasionally, I ask if she wants to join THE SYNDICATE for wings and football or other gatherings. Sometimes she goes, sometimes she doesn't. I get scarce, when it's her turn to host the book club. Sometimes we host things together, like our upcoming 80s movie marathon. The one time she is not allowed on an excursion, is the opening day of Star Wars movies at the Senator Theater in Baltimore. That's MEMBERS ONLY. She can go the second day, just not the first day. It's written in our charter .
    I am recognizing that the voice inside my head
    is urging me to be myself but never follow someone else
    Because opinions are like voices we all have a different kind". --Q-Tip

  5. #5
    With experience you and your pals will learn to understand the voice that means it really is okay to go out with the buds, as opposed to the voice that says go [whisper]but there's gonna be a price to pay[/whisper]. If you never learn to recognize the first voice, you are doomed.
    Je suis Charlie

  6. #6
    Cyburbian ludes98's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by nerudite
    That really depends on the type of people that you are. BME and I are fairly inseparable most times. Other than work, there are few instances where we socialize without inviting the other one along. I don't think it's bad to do things separately from time to time, but it just doesn't happen to work out that way with us much.
    Ditto here.

  7. #7
    maudit anglais
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    Quote Originally posted by nerudite
    That really depends on the type of people that you are. BME and I are fairly inseparable most times. Other than work, there are few instances where we socialize without inviting the other one along. I don't think it's bad to do things separately from time to time, but it just doesn't happen to work out that way with us much.
    This describes Mrs. Tranplanner and I too. I did get my guy's only scotch night last week, and occassionally I go out after hockey for beer and wings - but usually we're a package deal when it comes to going out.

  8. #8
    Cyburbian otterpop's avatar
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    This is a sore spot for me. When I want to do something with one of my friends (some who I see maybe once or twice a year when there within 200 miles of me) or I just want time alone, my wife guilt-trips me. Partly it is due to the fact she still cannot drive so when I split for a raft trip she is stuck home with the Little Berserker.

    One the other hand I welcome her opportunities to visit with or do things with her friends, because I get to do what I want and get some restorative solitude.
    "I am very good at reading women, but I get into trouble for using the Braille method."

    ~ Otterpop ~

  9. #9
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by nerudite
    That really depends on the type of people that you are. BME and I are fairly inseparable most times. Other than work, there are few instances where we socialize without inviting the other one along. I don't think it's bad to do things separately from time to time, but it just doesn't happen to work out that way with us much.
    That's pretty much how me and Mrs. Biscuit operate. Most all of our friends are mutual, since neither one of us is a native to the city we live in, so we pretty much tend to be a package deal. Sure there's the occasional happy hour with the guys for me, and she'll have her lunch and shopping time with her girlfriends (I wouldn't want to be there anyway), but other than that we socialize together.

  10. #10
    Cyburbian PlannerByDay's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by PlannerByDay
    Buddy Responds to PBD:
    ladies are ALWAYS invited. we're married, so they're kind of a package deal (i mean that in a good way!).

    PBD Response:

    I agree but disagree, there should always be time away from the wife that gives both them and us an opportuntiy for alone/personal time which everyone needs

    That is why guys generally watch football, go hunting, join bowling leagues, joint the Lions and other "guys only" social organizations and other thing with guys only. This is so husbands can be guys, kids, slobs, etc. and bond with other guys with out offending and worrying about their wives.

    So I'm assuming were inviting the ladies?
    Okay so I just heard from my BUDDY, here is his response:

    BUDDY WRITES: "as i wrote that, i was hoping i didn't come off too p-whipped. i just meant to say that i like to have the ladies around. however, i too like guy time!
    see you tonight, still haven't decided where. i'm not sure anyone really cares as long as there is beer, so we could say OP, burdicks, the union. i'm feeling like a downtown beer. "

  11. #11
    Cyburbian Jen's avatar
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    Wh wh wh wh wh

    Is that guy whipped? Well, I have seen the type, sometimes its just the wife who is the stronger socializer, makes the plans and expects agreement.

    What do we call a wife who is whipped ? Obedient?

    Yes when kids are brought in, the dynamic can drastically change and then among the irresponsible childwork can become a perverted game of who can go out when and where and who stays home (besides the kids).

    Now for others who stray far off the mark, a whipping just might be needed, preferably in a counselors office. :-}

  12. #12
    Cyburbian Habanero's avatar
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    although Mr. H and I are fairly inseparable I love time without him, hanging otu with friends. Even if we're at a party together we aren't connected at the hip- he does his thing, I do mine. There needs to be balance.

    Does this guy always invite his wife?
    When Jesus said "love your enemies", he probably didn't mean kill them.

  13. #13
    Cyburbian PlannerByDay's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Habanero
    although Mr. H and I are fairly inseparable I love time without him, hanging otu with friends. Even if we're at a party together we aren't connected at the hip- he does his thing, I do mine. There needs to be balance.

    Does this guy always invite his wife?
    He has only been married for 2 months, but before the were married and engaged, "she" was there 90 % of the time.

  14. #14
    Cyburbian Habanero's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by PlannerByDay
    He has only been married for 2 months, but before the were married and engaged, "she" was there 90 % of the time.
    eesh. I guess I wouldn't understand that. Just two weekends ago Mr. H was at an in-town resort for a huge overnight work function and he had a big night out, even stayed overnight. I have sleepovers with my grilfriends out here, all of the husbands have to leave. Unless it's an emergency, no calls from the men.

    Then again, I have been known to get a tiny bit upset if he goes to Hooters without me. The least he has to do is bring me home some wings.
    When Jesus said "love your enemies", he probably didn't mean kill them.

  15. #15
    Cyburbian Jen's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Habanero

    Then again, I have been known to get a tiny bit upset if he goes to Hooters without me. The least he has to do is bring me home some wings.
    Smart Girl, always have them bring back HOT food when they go out pubbing.

  16. #16
    Cyburbian
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    I just can't see doing everything together. Mr. PB and I have a lot of mutual friends, but between each of us working 50+ hours a week, with schedules that don't totally overlap, and having different outside interests, we probably spend more time apart than together. He doesn't always want to linger in a bookstore for hours with me, and I don't always want to stay at home tinkering with stuff. 'Course, having said that, when we do have blocks of free time, we tend to make it a point to do stuff together, or have get-togethers with our mutual friends. But then, we've been together for nearly 10 years, so maybe at this point some autonomy is good.
    I don't dream. I plan.

  17. #17
    Cyburbian JNL's avatar
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    No, no, no, no, NO.

    I guess couples have to work out what works best for them but I think it's very healthy to have time apart with your own friends, doing things that you enjoy (and they might not be so keen on).

    I am speaking from a single person's perspective though.. but when/if I become part of a couple, I want to retain my own individual identity not just become one half of a couple that does everything together. But that's just me

  18. #18
    Quote Originally posted by the north omaha star
    Being a recently newlwed, I haven't had that problem yet. I don't expect to either. The Mrs...Star and I recognize that we both had lives before we were married, before we even met. Occasionally, I ask if she wants to join THE SYNDICATE for wings and football or other gatherings. Sometimes she goes, sometimes she doesn't. I get scarce, when it's her turn to host the book club. Sometimes we host things together, like our upcoming 80s movie marathon. The one time she is not allowed on an excursion, is the opening day of Star Wars movies at the Senator Theater in Baltimore. That's MEMBERS ONLY. She can go the second day, just not the first day. It's written in our charter .
    I am not married yet but will likely be sometime in the near future. My girlfriend and I are kind of on the same level as North Omaha Star. We do lots of things together and lots of things apart. There has never been a problem with me saying "hey, I am having guys night." I think that issues would only arise if we made plans and then I bailed to hang out with the guys. Neither of us feel the need to ask permission to do things (I assume that changes with mariage).

    I have some friends that do everything with their spouse or significant other and I guess if that works for them, great. It just gets annoying when you think you are going out with the guys and someone decides that their wife should be included. My brother is like this too. It doesn't seem that he does anything without his wife and I think she gets irritated when he does manage to get time away from here. I don't think I would remain in any relationship like that. It would drive me nuts.
    "I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are."

    - Homer Simpson

  19. #19
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    I and my husband had a mutual circle of friends due to having the same hobby as teens. It was totally coincidental that we ended up in the same group -- he was not there the day I found them and I had no idea it was his group and we were not yet involved, we just knew each other from school and were friends. As soon as we did get involved, I began to get treated like I was not there for the hobby, I was just there to sit on his lap and hang all over him. I found it insulting and I found that I was no longer treated like a full member of the group, and never mind that my involvement with the group predated my involvement with him. Later, as a military wife, I found that I got treated like "The Little Woman" -- no one knew who I was as a person or anything about me beyond my status as Military Wife and no one cared to know. My academic awards, hobbies, personal interests, etc. almost never came up in conversation at social functions where we went as a couple. In spite of starting out as a whole person with a full life who just happened to have a mutual hobby with my husband, I ended up for a time as one of those vacuous women at HIS social functions -- not because I am vacuous but because the role was vacuous and life-sucking.

    I would encourage your friend to not have his wife tag along to too many of "his" social things. If he needs to be with her every waking minute that he isn't at work, they should probably be in bed, doing some proper bonding, not out with the guys. I think guys are somewhat less prone to being sucked dry by such things. They typically invest more of their identity in their jobs and women often quit work or withdraw from social activities once a baby comes along. Socially and personally, women tend to be more defined by their relationships than their jobs: she is someone's wife, sister, daughter, mother. He is <insert job title>, <insert biggest hobby>, fan of <insert favorite sports team>....and, oh yeah, he also has a wife and kids. In my completely biased opinion, women are vulnerable to wanting to tag along with hubby because they define themselves more through their relationships and there can be a tendency to be home alone if they don't tag along (and not because they want to be home with a book -- but because they don't have enough of their own interests), and many women are afraid of being emotionally empty/"alone". But going with hubby to everything and not developing her own interests creates much more of a vacuum in her life -- it is much more empty than staying home to face how lonely/empty/whatever she feels without him and then figuring out how to fill that emptiness with something uniquely meaningful to her, whether he stays with her or not. I think this is more true of younger couples. People who had more of a life before marriage (like Nerudite and BME) are more likely to have those pieces (of their identity) in place and know who they are without each other and not be looking to have some "hole in their soul" filled. Having married young and left everything I knew to follow his career around the planet, then had a sickly baby a lot younger than I planned, my identity as an individual was pretty much destroyed and had to be rebuilt from scratch. For me, that was A Good Thing. But it isn't an easy thing to live through. For most people, I think it is probably better to face a little aloneness in smaller amounts and grow their identity more gradually, rather than like, say, a nuclear explosion that wipes away all evidence of who they were so that something else can be built in its place.

    Just my 2 cents.

  20. #20
    maudit anglais
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    Quote Originally posted by Michele Zone
    Just my 2 cents.
    More like $20

  21. #21
          Downtown's avatar
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    We do a lot together, especially now that we have the baby. But tonight, for example, i'm going out with some girlfriends, and he's taking jack by his folks to hang out. we definitely need time apart, since working together, we spend so much time together.

  22. #22
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Tranplanner
    More like $20
    But that implies that people would VALUE what I say. Sheesh. Don't be silly.

  23. #23
    Cyburbian boiker's avatar
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    Mrs. B and I used to often go out together.. .but that was before kids.

    Now, we go out with the kids. Kids are a good excuse to blow $20 bucks playing ski ball at chuck-e-cheese and help reduce the feeling that your too old to be there. I even crawled around in the human gerbil tubes with lil'Boik Boy last time!
    Dude, I'm cheesing so hard right now.

  24. #24
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
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    I'll just say this. Whatever you do/agree to now will set an important precendent in terms of future marital expectations. Consider carefully what YOU are willing to concede/do/settle/live with for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! Do all your heavy duty thinking on this subject now before the die is cast.......(did that come across as sufficiently ominous and intimidating?)
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

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