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Thread: The Birds & Bees For Sexually Active Teens Thread

  1. #1
    Cyburbian Emeritus Bear Up North's avatar
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    The Birds & Bees For Sexually Active Teens Thread

    On this point, this Bear and wife Katie are in agreement:

    Her son is seventeen (17) and has been dating the same girl for awhile. Katie is starting to find evidence, such as girl's underclothing in the bedroom, that their life now includes sexual activity.

    We both agree that this is normal, it's going to happen whether or not we like it, and there is nothing we can do to stop it......other than to eliminate opportunities for them to be alone.

    We were both sexually active at even-younger ages and we both wish we would have had more sexual education.

    Katis is going to say this to her son: "I know you are now sexually active. You have to be very careful. Use protection. I will get you protection."

    In conversations with different friends, most take our point of view and agree with the offer of protection. A couple friends, though, say that that only encourages them to have sex.

    What does the throbbing brian of Cyburbia think of all this?

    Propro Bear
    Occupy Cyburbia!

  2. #2
    Corn Burning Fool giff57's avatar
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    My wife agrees with you both, and I don't disagree. I just think my son needs to be able to purchase his protection, because if mom and dad are not around then what?
    “As soon as public service ceases to be the chief business of the citizens, and they would rather serve with their money than with their persons, the State is not far from its fall”
    Jean-Jacques Rousseau

  3. #3
    Zoning Lord Richmond Jake's avatar
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    I too, am in full agreement, BUN. My soon-to-be 18 y.o. has been making the sign of the double humped camel since before I left Idaho. I encouraged him to use protection.
    Annoyingly insensitive

  4. #4
    Cyburbian sisterceleste's avatar
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    Ditto here. Got two teenagers myself....They ain't stupid.
    You darn tootin', I like fig newtons!

  5. #5
    Cyburbian Jen's avatar
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    Make em sign a "I understand what it means to be sexually active" agreement. STD's or pregnancy are prohibited.

    And institute a safe sex tax, they lose points for risky behaviour, and get cash back for abstinence!!


  6. #6
    Cyburbian jordanb's avatar
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    The kids need to be aware of the risks involved both with and without contraceptives. They need to know that condoms are absolutly essential and they should never have sex without them, but that they're not a magic bullet that nullifies all risk. If they take a chance and lose, they need to be prepared for the consequences.

  7. #7
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    I read a study a jillion years ago to the effect that European kids are just as sexually active as American kids but they have a lot fewer babies out of wedlock because it is more socially accepted and they use birth control. I suggest you get the kid a good book with some of the basics -- and, no, I don't mean "Joy of Sex" type basics. My kids know that I didn't hang them out to dry, even though my first was gauche enough to show up 7 years ahead of schedule , and I won't have a shred of respect for them if they do not do right by some kid of theirs. Doing right by the gal gets trickier as it isn't as straight forward -- I have known of young women who began pitching their pill down the sink every morning without telling their man. But it takes two to make a baby and I feel a man has an obligation to his child, even if he got tricked. Babies happen -- if you really don't want to own up, kill kittens instead, bozo.

    Of course, I don't have to really worry about it yet. My two boys are not showing any interest in girls yet. That makes my life simpler.

  8. #8
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
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    I think that as a DAD you should talk with your SON about it. He will feel weird if mom is there. I think that it should be when you are doing some guy activity such as watching foot ball. That way it will lessen the shock. Be to the point. I think that using terms like "sexually active" might not go over well. Just ask him if he is having sex, in a normal non-threatening tone. If he answers No, just tell him that if he does, to be careful, use a condom, and if he has any questions, you would be willing to listen.

    It may be the final end result that you need, but by doing like this you are opening the door of communication, and it shows that you are comfortable talking with him about it.

    Off-topic:

    Wow, this reminds me of my first time. Imagine explaining a broken chair to my parents.

  9. #9
    Cyburbian JNL's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Bear Up North
    A couple friends, though, say that that only encourages them to have sex.
    I don't agree with these friends at all. I organised my own contraception and my parents knew nothing about it for over 3 years! They thought I was a good girl

    I do agree with giff that it's important that your son does the purchasing himself. You could supply the first lot and then tell him it's over to him, while emphasising the importance.

    Wow michaelskis, sounds like a fun first time!! LOL.

  10. #10
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by michaelskis
    I think that as a DAD you should talk with your SON about it. He will feel weird if mom is there.
    My impression is that it is his step-son, so that might not apply. Additionally, such things vary a great deal from family to family. For example, in my home, I am very close to my sons and their dad is not. I have all the birds and bees discussions with them. Mr. Zone was in the field a great deal when our oldest was little and the two of them never really bonded. When my oldest needed to learn to shave, I had no choice but to talk to his dad and make them get together one weekend and explain it all to him. It made my oldest extremely uncomfortable to have to deal with his dad to that degree on something that felt so personal to him.

    In contrast, when a homeschooling friend was upset to discover her 14 year old had been viewing Internet porn, I ran my thoughts past my 14 year old and 17 year old sons (to the effect that the porn per se is not a problem but the attitude with which the parents handle it can be a big problem). In the course of giving me his thoughts on the topic, my 17 year old didn't hesitate to mention very casually that he had tripped across some porn sites inadvertently and looked around to see what all the fuss was about (and he seems to still not understand what the big deal is, lol). He wasn't in the least bit uncomfortable saying that to me and he didn't fear what my reaction would be. The degree to which he felt confident that there would be no negative repercussions made me laugh.

  11. #11
    Cyburbian Emeritus Bear Up North's avatar
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    Michaelskis, he is my step son so that's why the discussion comes from "mom". His real father is of the believe that all women are "c#$@s" and would tell him that the only way to go through life is to follow the "four f" plan: find, feel, f%$@, and forget. His real father is a jerk and my step son knows that.

    Bear
    Occupy Cyburbia!

  12. #12
    Cyburbian Plus Zoning Goddess's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by michaelskis
    I think that as a DAD you should talk with your SON about it. He will feel weird if mom is there. [/ot]
    Well, it's only me, Mom, as the parent, so I will have to do "the talk", although I do have my brother enlisted for backup questions. Since my son is now in middle school and coming home to an empty house (altho' not for very long, but that will increase once he's in high school) and there is so much press about middle school sex, I guess it will be a talk we'll be having soon. I haven't decided yet how to handle it.

  13. #13
    Cyburbian
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    Quote Originally posted by jordanb
    The kids need to be aware of the risks involved both with and without contraceptives. They need to know that condoms are absolutly essential and they should never have sex without them, but that they're not a magic bullet that nullifies all risk. If they take a chance and lose, they need to be prepared for the consequences.
    jordanb you stole the words right out of my mouth.... Though for reasons all know here I'm not in the sexually active club...

  14. #14
    Cyburbian Cardinal's avatar
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    Your friends who think talking to kids about contraception is encouraging them to have sex just don't get it. Puberty happens. Whether you talk with them or not, kids begin to get interested in sex. It is a healthy interest that should last a lifetime. The important thing is that they learn to deal with sex intelligently, as adults. They should learn to respect their partner, know when they are ready, to take precaustions, and learn about their partner and themselves through the experience. If they have been raised well (it sounds like yours have) you can trust that they will make the right choices. The role of the parent is there to give advice (not judgement!) and support.
    Anyone want to adopt a dog?

  15. #15
    Cyburbian Plus Zoning Goddess's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Cardinal
    Your friends who think talking to kids about contraception is encouraging them to have sex just don't get it. Puberty happens. Whether you talk with them or not, kids begin to get interested in sex. It is a healthy interest that should last a lifetime. The important thing is that they learn to deal with sex intelligently, as adults. They should learn to respect their partner, know when they are ready, to take precaustions, and learn about their partner and themselves through the experience. If they have been raised well (it sounds like yours have) you can trust that they will make the right choices. The role of the parent is there to give advice (not judgement!) and support.
    Nothing personal, but when you have read newspaper stories about "blow job" parties among middle-schoolers in your community, well, you really have to think about responsibility and WAITING. I don't think a 13 year old can make a mature decision about sex. It is very worrisome when it is your own child.

  16. #16
    Try having a 16 yo daughter who's mother has her head in the sand. That makes life very interesting.

  17. #17
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Bear Up North
    Michaelskis, he is my step son so that's why the discussion comes from "mom". His real father is of the believe that all women are "c#$@s" and would tell him that the only way to go through life is to follow the "four f" plan: find, feel, f%$@, and forget. His real father is a jerk and my step son knows that.

    Bear
    Oh, I did not notice that he was your step son. But from what I know of you, I think that you are a far, far better choice as a dad than his biofather would. If you and your wife are in agreement, I still think that the talk would be good coming from you, and it might even bring you two closer. I know that when my Dad asked me for the first time, I wasn’t having sex, but when things started to get closer that point in my life, I had no worries talking to my dad.

    It is good to know that there are guys out there like you who care about the kid even if he is not ‘your’ son, he is still your son. I think that it is a great thing when parents are involved in their kid’s lives.

  18. #18
    I have a 6 year old son and four year old daughter and I don't even want to think about this crap for many years to come.

    With that said though, I don't think parents should be privy to their children's sexual activities. As long as they are living under the same roof, then they should find it totally unacceptable and put a stop to it. They might not be sucessful, but they should damn well try.

  19. #19
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Super Amputee Cat
    With that said though, I don't think parents should be privy to their children's sexual activities. As long as they are living under the same roof, then they should find it totally unacceptable and put a stop to it. They might not be sucessful, but they should damn well try.
    I agree completely with you. (that is all I am going to say in fear that people will lable me a conservative, catholic, hypocrite)

  20. #20
    moderator in moderation Suburb Repairman's avatar
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    At 23, I am not too far removed from my teenage years. My parents preached abstinance to me and did not tell me anything about protection. My older brothers went through the same thing and filled me in on responsibility and protection. My parents are really conservative (still coming to grips that their son works for the guv'mint ) and were pretty much in denial about teenage sexual activity. I've opted to leave them that way rather than rock the boat .

    In retrospect, I wish my Dad would have talked to me more about sex. I'm not saying that he should have endorsed sex, but I wish I would have heard about this kind of stuff from him rather than my older brothers.

    And MichaelSkis, I agree about parents considering teen sex unacceptable, so I wouldn't worry about getting labeled. All I ask is that parents acknowledge the possibility that it can happen so that the chances of permanent negative consequences can be reduced (STDs, having a child before you're ready).

    "Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country."

    - Herman Göring at the Nuremburg trials (thoughts on democracy)

  21. #21
          Downtown's avatar
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    My mom was very cool about it. When I was 14 or 15, she said "Look - I don't expect you to wait until you're married, but I hope and expect you to wait until you find someone you love and who respects and loves you. And I want you to be safe, so when you think you're ready, let me know, and we'll go get you on the pill"

    And I came back at 18, and she was very calm, and took me to the obgyn.

    I hope I can be as great about it with my own kids. Its just too bad that talk has to be done so much earlier. sigh.

  22. #22
    Cyburbian Greenescapist's avatar
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    I think the responsible thing to do is what Bear is planning on doing. Just because you tell you child that if they have sex they should use protection, does not mean that you are endorsing it. A parent's responsbility should be to look out for and protect their child. Humans have sexual urges. If you just ignore that fact, then you are putting the health of your child in peril. I would say to him that sex complicates relationships and it's best to wait till you have a deep, mature, emotional relationship with someone, but if you do have sex protect yourself from diseasea and unwanted pregnancy.

  23. #23
    Cyburbian SlaveToTheGrind's avatar
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    Shouldn't Jocelyn Elders jump in at this point?

  24. #24
    Cyburbian Duke Of Dystopia's avatar
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    Make them google on unfiltered advanced image search "Genital Warts".

    That can shake up the most HARD CORE!
    I can't deliver UTOPIA, but I can create a HELL for you to LIVE in :)DoD:(

  25. #25
    Cyburbian JNL's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Super Amputee Cat
    As long as they are living under the same roof, then they should find it totally unacceptable and put a stop to it. They might not be sucessful, but they should damn well try.
    How can you put a stop to it, unless you follow them around everywhere? You can say it's not acceptable, but to not even broach the subject of the need for precautions if/when they do engage in sex, borders on irresponsible, IMHO. Often, banning something will make teenagers want to try it even more.

    My parents had their heads in the sand, and I sure as heck didn't learn ANYTHING about sex or sexual responsibility from them. Fortunately, I did learn elsewhere and was sensible enough to take care of it myself.

    I really like Downtown's mom's approach. I guess she also covered the fact that the pill doesn't protect you from STDs?

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