Urban planning community

+ Reply to thread
Results 1 to 25 of 25

Thread: Holy church of biscuit?

  1. #1
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Paris of Appalachia
    Posts
    3,902

    Holy church of biscuit?

    One thing I need to know before I start my cult…

    Seriously, I know this is a strange question, but it's for a good cause. Does anyone have any info on how a person can go about getting ordained as a minister without having to go to seminary? Isn’t there some way to do this online?

    Your help is most appreciated my brothers and sisters. Now who wants some Kool-Aid?

  2. #2
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
    Registered
    Apr 2003
    Location
    Someplace between yesterday and tomorrow.
    Posts
    12,295

  3. #3
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Akron
    Posts
    2,255

    Rev. Biscuit

    You need to do better than that to attract women or stay out of the draft.
    WALSTIB

  4. #4
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    South Milwaukee
    Posts
    8,935

    I have the answer my son, for I have been ordained

    The Universal Life Church

    Its on line, easy, and FREE! You can even order "clergy" parking placards for your vehicle and get all the best parking spots at hospitals

    EDIT: I see Michaelski's post gets you there too.

  5. #5
    Cyburbian mike gurnee's avatar
    Registered
    Feb 1998
    Location
    Greensburg, Kansas
    Posts
    2,950
    My father did better than that. He started his own church, and named himself Bishop.

  6. #6
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Paris of Appalachia
    Posts
    3,902
    Thanks!

    One of my best friends, who happened to be the Best Man in my wedding, is getting married next fall and has just asked if I would perform the ceremony. Ordinarily I think my response would’ve been “no,” but neither he and his fellow geologist fianceé are very religious (they’re both lapsed Catholic earthy types), and frankly I’m kind of flattered at the sentiment behind their request.

    My Southern Baptist parents are going to love this one when I tell them about it.
    Last edited by biscuit; 30 Nov 2004 at 3:05 PM. Reason: For the wages of sin is bad grammer

  7. #7
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
    Registered
    Mar 1996
    Location
    Upstate New York
    Posts
    14,552
    Blog entries
    3
    Many Cyburbians are Universal Life Church ministers, including yours truly.

    It's also easy to become an ordained minister in the Church of the Subgenius.
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  8. #8
    Cyburbian Budgie's avatar
    Registered
    Feb 2000
    Location
    Sans Souci
    Posts
    5,265
    Quote Originally posted by Dan
    Many Cyburbians are Universal Life Church ministers, including yours truly.
    I have been duly ordained.
    "And all this terrible change had come about because he had ceased to believe himself and had taken to believing others. " - Leo Tolstoy

  9. #9
    Cyburbian Cardinal's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    The Cheese State
    Posts
    9,920
    Lo, it came to pass that as Cardinal sat in his house one day, a host of angels appeared in the sky above him, and proclaimed: "Hark, Cardinal, thou art ordained a minister in the Universal Life Church..."

    Oh wait, that was on my computer screen. And those weren't angels, they were finches. But never-the-less, I am a minister.
    Anyone want to adopt a dog?

  10. #10
    Cyburbian nerudite's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    Edmonton
    Posts
    5,502
    Please just don't put a 62-foot statue of yourself in your front yard though.

  11. #11
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Akron
    Posts
    2,255

    minister

    Quote Originally posted by Cardinal
    Lo, it came to pass that as Cardinal sat in his house one day, a host of angels appeared in the sky above him, and proclaimed: "Hark, Cardinal, thou art ordained a minister in the Universal Life Church..."

    Oh wait, that was on my computer screen. And those weren't angels, they were finches. But never-the-less, I am a minister.
    That's not bad mine were mean-eyed pidgeons....followed by tiny purple fishes that ran laughing through my fingers....
    WALSTIB

  12. #12
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Paris of Appalachia
    Posts
    3,902
    Quote Originally posted by nerudite
    Please just don't put a 62-foot statue of yourself in your front yard though.
    I wouldn't think of it.... It will be much bigger than that.

  13. #13
    Cyburbian el Guapo's avatar
    Registered
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Samsara
    Posts
    5,075
    I too am an Enlightened and Most Reverend Minister of the Universal Life Church.

  14. #14
    Cyburbian Budgie's avatar
    Registered
    Feb 2000
    Location
    Sans Souci
    Posts
    5,265
    I've already started a "Name My Cult" contest at work. Tomorrow I will be holding confessional ala Rumpy.
    "And all this terrible change had come about because he had ceased to believe himself and had taken to believing others. " - Leo Tolstoy

  15. #15
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
    Registered
    Apr 2003
    Location
    Someplace between yesterday and tomorrow.
    Posts
    12,295
    Quote Originally posted by Budgie
    I've already started a "Name My Cult" contest at work. Tomorrow I will be holding confessional ala Rumpy.
    A former Co-worker did that... he even scheduled holidays, and held church at regular times at the same place.

    Holidays included, Super Bowl, World Series, Stanley Cup, and church services where held every Monday night of football season at a local neighborhood bar.

    With each beer or drink you had, 5 sins were forgiven, or you could go the easy route and buy him a beer, and you became a deacon and had no sin.

    His only rule was to try to do the right thing as much as you can.

  16. #16
    Cyburbian otterpop's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Down by Dun Ringill
    Posts
    5,896
    Blog entries
    6
    Quote Originally posted by Dan
    Many Cyburbians are Universal Life Church ministers, including yours truly. .

    Me too. Qualified for marryings and buryings.
    "I am very good at reading women, but I get into trouble for using the Braille method."

    ~ Otterpop ~

  17. #17
    Cyburbian Rumpy Tunanator's avatar
    Registered
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Intervention
    Posts
    4,475
    Quote Originally posted by Budgie
    I've already started a "Name My Cult" contest at work. Tomorrow I will be holding confessional ala Rumpy.
    You no love me no more?


    I see your on the speed dial now of B.A.. What's going on Budgie ?
    A guy once told me, "Do not have any attachments, do not have anything in your life you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you spot the heat around the corner."


    Neil McCauley (Robert DeNiro): Heat 1995

  18. #18

    Registered
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Solano County, California
    Posts
    6,468
    Quote Originally posted by Dan
    Many Cyburbians are Universal Life Church ministers, including yours truly.

    It's also easy to become an ordained minister in the Church of the Subgenius.
    RELIGIOUS OPPRESSION

    My office firewall blocks me from the WISDOM of BOB.

    Do I have a lawsuit?

  19. #19
    NIMBY asshatterer Plus Richmond Jake's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    Jukin' City
    Posts
    16,474
    Just don't get any bright ideas about declaring your home some sort of religious sanctuary and try to get a tax exemption. A friend of my sister's tried that and the IRS and the California Franchise Tax Board did not agree.

  20. #20
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Paris of Appalachia
    Posts
    3,902
    All hail Reverend biscuit!
    Now to check and see if Greenbrier County, West Virginia will play along. This should be interesting.
    Quote Originally posted by RichmondJake
    Just don't get any bright ideas about declaring your home some sort of religious sanctuary and try to get a tax exemption. A friend of my sister's tried that and the IRS and the California Franchise Tax Board did not agree.
    What!? But I'll be doing the Lord's work! That's at least worth some sort of deduction isn't it?

  21. #21
    Cyburbian Rumpy Tunanator's avatar
    Registered
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Intervention
    Posts
    4,475
    Quote Originally posted by biscuit
    What!? But I'll be doing the Lord's work! That's at least worth some sort of deduction isn't it?
    Better consult Tammy Fay Baker on that one
    A guy once told me, "Do not have any attachments, do not have anything in your life you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you spot the heat around the corner."


    Neil McCauley (Robert DeNiro): Heat 1995

  22. #22
    NIMBY asshatterer Plus Richmond Jake's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    Jukin' City
    Posts
    16,474
    Quote Originally posted by biscuit
    ...[snip]...What!? But I'll be doing the Lord's work! That's at least worth some sort of deduction isn't it?
    Well I agree, but the gov't doesn't give me any taxes breaks for supporting the various agricultural industries of this great country of ours (my support is based on my consumption of the fine quality beer and wine products they produce). I call for separation of alcohol and gov't.

  23. #23
    Cyburbian Cardinal's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    The Cheese State
    Posts
    9,920
    Quote Originally posted by RichmondJake
    Just don't get any bright ideas about declaring your home some sort of religious sanctuary and try to get a tax exemption. A friend of my sister's tried that and the IRS and the California Franchise Tax Board did not agree.
    Off-topic:
    I once worked for a city where a local church met in a city building, so they had no church building of their own. The minister was not paying property tax as he claimed that the house was "church property." We had many discussions among staff whether or not this was legitimate. My interpretation was that he should pay taxes. If the deed/mortgage was in his name he was the owner and should pay taxes. If the house was owned by the church, non-profit entities are entitled to a tax exemption only so long as the use of the property is for a non-profit purpose, and since he as an individual was not non-profit, he should pay taxes. Anybody have an idea if I was right?
    Anyone want to adopt a dog?

  24. #24
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Paris of Appalachia
    Posts
    3,902
    Off-topic:
    Quote Originally posted by Cardinal
    Off-topic:
    I once worked for a city where a local church met in a city building, so they had no church building of their own. The minister was not paying property tax as he claimed that the house was "church property." We had many discussions among staff whether or not this was legitimate. My interpretation was that he should pay taxes. If the deed/mortgage was in his name he was the owner and should pay taxes. If the house was owned by the church, non-profit entities are entitled to a tax exemption only so long as the use of the property is for a non-profit purpose, and since he as an individual was not non-profit, he should pay taxes. Anybody have an idea if I was right?
    I'd say you're right. A minister is not a non-profit entity and as long as the house is in his name then he will have to pay property taxes on it. The church could incorporate as a non-profit and "buy" the house for use as a parsonage. Barring that, it should be considered taxable personal property.

  25. #25
    Cyburbian donk's avatar
    Registered
    Sep 2001
    Location
    skating on thin ice
    Posts
    6,958
    Quote Originally posted by biscuit
    Off-topic:

    I'd say you're right. A minister is not a non-profit entity and as long as the house is in his name then he will have to pay property taxes on it. The church could incorporate as a non-profit and "buy" the house for use as a parsonage. Barring that, it should be considered taxable personal property.
    Depending on the definition of parsonage and the tax laws this might not work. I know of a "local" case were it was argued and demonstrated that a synagogue owned a home for the Rabbi and because it was not on the property associated with the synagogue it could not be given tax exempt/reduced status.
    Too lazy to beat myself up for being to lazy to beat myself up for being too lazy to... well you get the point....

+ Reply to thread

More at Cyburbia

  1. Replies: 18
    Last post: 19 Sep 2012, 9:09 AM
  2. Replies: 100
    Last post: 25 Sep 2006, 12:50 PM
  3. Replies: 4
    Last post: 05 Jan 2005, 5:06 PM
  4. Holy Crap - What a bunch of wackos!
    Friday Afternoon Club
    Replies: 0
    Last post: 27 Dec 2002, 1:44 PM