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Thread: The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

  1. #1
    Cyburbian el Guapo's avatar
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    The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

    You get them. I get them. Some are funny. Some are lame.

    As long as they are witty and don't involve a requirment to forward the joke to twenty of your closest friends so you can see the Pop-Up Jesus Bunny (tm) then I say post them here.

    Clean up the ">" and line breaks please.

  2. #2
    Cyburbian el Guapo's avatar
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    American Beer

    The biggest beer producers in the world meet for a conference, and at the end of the day, the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink together at a bar. The president of Budweiser naturally orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and so on down the list.

    Then the bartender asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody's amazement, he orders tea! "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask suspiciously, wondering if they've stumbled on an embarrassing secret. "Naaaah," replies Guinness. "If you guys aren't going to drink beer, then neither will I."

  3. #3
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    Well, about half of the people I know have told me this. I'll relay it for the few that haven't heard it.

    Why do the French have big, leafy trees planted along their boulevards?
    Because the Germans like to march in the shade.
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  4. #4
    Cyburbian nerudite's avatar
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    The only thing in my inbox today...

    A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the
    crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

    One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.

    Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am.
    What are you doing?"

    "Reading a book," she replies. Thinking, " Isn't that obvious?"

    "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

    "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

    "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and gi ve you a ticket."

    "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

    "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

    "That's true, but you have all the equipment."


    MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

  5. #5
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    Thee are 10 types of people in the world ... those who understand binary, and those who don't.
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  6. #6
    Cyburbian Planderella's avatar
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    This was sent to me just a few minutes ago:

    A woman's perfect breakfast:

    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
    Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton
    "A witty woman is a treasure, a witty beauty is a power!"

  7. #7
    Cyburbian Seabishop's avatar
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    Sorry about the length but I got this one today. . .


    NICKNAMES
    If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch,
    they will call each
    other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
    If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will
    affectionately refer to
    each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and
    Scrappy.

    EATING OUT
    When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will
    each throw in $20,
    even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will
    have anything smaller,
    and none will actually admit they want change back.
    When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket
    calculators.

    MONEY
    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
    want.

    BATHROOMS
    A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush,
    shaving cream, razor, a
    bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
    The average number of items in the typical woman's
    bathroom is 337. A man
    would not be able to identify most of these items.

    ARGUMENTS
    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a
    new argument.

    CATS
    Women love cats.
    Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
    men kick cats.

    FUTURE
    A woman worries about the future until she gets a
    husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a
    wife.

    SUCCESS
    A successful man is one who makes more money than his
    wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    MARRIAGE
    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
    doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change
    and she does.

    DRESSING UP
    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
    empty the garbage,
    answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    NATURAL
    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    OFFSPRING
    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
    knows about
    dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
    favorite foods, secret
    fears and hopes and dreams.
    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in
    the house.

    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
    Any married man should forget his mistakes.
    There's no use in two people remembering the same
    thing.

  8. #8
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    20 Clues A Woman Should Call It A Night

    1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
    2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.
    3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it too. (this does apply to men too)
    4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like
    Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
    5 . I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating
    even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
    6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo
    much.
    7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
    8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
    9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
    10 . The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table
    and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
    11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so
    I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
    12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at
    it.
    13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving
    me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
    14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
    15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this
    the WRONG WAY but..."
    16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
    17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
    18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to
    be standing) and take a quick nap.
    19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to
    cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.
    20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm
    having problems walking straight.

  9. #9
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
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    Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices
    a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it
    up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says,
    "Hmm, this person looks familiar." She hands it to
    the second blonde. The second blonde looks in the
    mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

    A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
    so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his
    apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door,
    she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the
    blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take
    out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome
    with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her
    head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
    The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

    A blonde brags about her knowledge of state
    capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I
    know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the
    capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh
    that's easy: W."

  10. #10
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    You know that sickingly sweet glurge that you're always getting from your clerical staff? I've always wanted to send this back to 'em!

    PLEASE EVERYBODY, THIS IS SERIOUS! I FOUND THIS IN MY INBOX, SENDER UNKNOWN, AND I PRAYED ABOUT IT ALL NIGHT, AND NOW I KNOW ITS FOR REAL! WE ALL HAVE TO LISTEN TO WHAT THIS PERSON HAS TO SAY OR ELSE WE MAY ALL END UP IN *HELL*!

    I never saw it coming.
    I was only having fun.
    I had to get my ball. Into the
    street I had to run.

    If only I had listened
    to my mother, when she said
    that I should look both ways before
    I cross then I wouldnt be dead.

    But here I am, and thats not all.
    I was in for a nasty surprise
    when I walked up to the gates of heaven
    and the angel looked me in the eyes.

    She shook her head, her eyes were moist,
    as she pointed me the other way.
    I looked back there, at a place so dark,
    so terrible, I didnt know what to say!

    Oh Jesus! I cried, in my despair,
    I was a good Christian after all.
    Why me, oh Lord? I cried aloud,
    Why me? Why should I fall?

    And then, there He was, in front of me,
    His robe as white as snow.
    My son, He said, why are you surprised
    that to this place you must now go?

    I was so good! I said to him.
    I believed in you the very most.
    Saved by grace through faith alone,
    not by works lest I should boast.

    I always shared the gospel,
    every chance I got.
    Please dont send me down to Hell
    it is so very hot!

    I went to church, fed the homeless,
    but even those things all did pale
    before the best thing I did for you:
    I forwarded so many wonderful emails!

    Those wonderful stories, all about
    people who did the right thing,
    and spoke of you and changed their lives,
    made me so happy I could sing!

    Even the ones that didnt mention you,
    but spoke of other things that are good,
    like America and patriotism, and how stupid
    are the Democrats I forwarded those because I knew I should.

    They made me feel good, and I just had to share,
    and I really thought it was what you would want me to do.
    But now youre sending me down to hell?
    Even though I loved you? Is it really true?

    I looked up at Jesus, and couldnt believe
    there were tears in His beautiful eyes!
    My son, He said, didnt you know?
    Those emails are the very thing I most truly despise!

    They give my children a very bad name
    and mischaracterize my teachings
    and theyre poorly written, barely rhyme,
    and are silly in their metaphorical reachings.

    Every time I read them, I just cringe,
    they make me want to yell.
    People have to know that if they forward them,
    I will send them straight to Hell.

    He made a motion with his hands,
    and an angel picked me up, carried me to the flames,
    and tossed me into the Lake of Fire
    as I screamed out Jesuss name.

    And now Im going to be here forever!
    Im here forever, and only to burn!
    I had to tell you this, I have to hope
    that when you read this you will learn

    that you must never forward those letters.
    The end for you will be no good.
    It is too late for me but you
    still have a chance, if you have understood!

    Please do *NOT* forward this email
    to as many people as you can,
    and maybe youll stay out of Hell
    and maybe Jesus will allow me a tiny ceiling fan.
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  11. #11
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    Originally posted by biscuit
    A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy: W."
    University of Nebraska ... where the "N" stands for "knowledge."
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  12. #12
    Cyburbian Planderella's avatar
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    This should be required reading for all men!!!

    Words Women Use

    1. "Fine"
    This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

    2. "Five minutes"
    This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

    3. "Nothing"
    Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

    4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
    This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."

    5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
    This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

    6. "Loud Sigh"
    This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing!."

    7. "Soft Sigh"
    Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

    8. "Oh"
    This word-followed by any statement - is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night."If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.("Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or
    you will get a raised eyebrow. "Go ahead," sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

    9. "That's Okay"
    This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man."That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

    10. "Please Do"
    This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

    11. "Thanks"
    The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome."

    12. "Thanks A Lot"
    "Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
    "A witty woman is a treasure, a witty beauty is a power!"

  13. #13
    Cyburbian Seabishop's avatar
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    Originally posted by Dan
    You know that sickingly sweet glurge that you're always getting from your clerical staff? I've always wanted to send this back to 'em![/i]
    That was wonderful. It is saved on my computer for future replies.

  14. #14
    Cyburbian nerudite's avatar
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    Saskatchewan... The Province Next Door (tm)

  15. #15
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    FAC post 19999



    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  16. #16
    Cyburbian JNL's avatar
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    One day, a lady goes to her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
    "And what do they say?" the preist inquired.
    "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
    "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he though for a moment and said, "You know, I may have a solution for your problem. I have two male parrots. I have taught them to read the bible and pray. You can bring them to my home and we will put the parrots together, and maybe my parrots can
    change your parrots' ways." So the woman goes home and gets her two parrots, and takes them over to the
    priest's house. When she walked into the priest's living room, she saw his two parrots holding rosary beads and praying. They placed her two parrots with the priest's parrots and immediately the female parrots said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
    After a moment of stunned silence, one of the priest's parrots turned to the other and said, "Put the f*cking beads away, Francis. Our prayers have been answered."

  17. #17
    Cyburbian Wannaplan?'s avatar
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    A friend forwarded this one to me:

  18. #18
    Cyburbian Wannaplan?'s avatar
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    Max Glurge

    In all seriousness, an old friend recently sent me this. It's dumb as heck, but if you need an ego boost, your browser should lift your spirits. Just type in your name and it will be your friend!

    http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~geoffo/humour/flattery.html

    By the way, my name isn't really Richard Milhouse Nixon.

  19. #19
    Cyburbian Wannaplan?'s avatar
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    Levittown

    This one's pretty good:


  20. #20
    Cyburbian Cardinal's avatar
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    (This one is for you, El Guapo.)


    A Democrat and a Republican are walking down the street when they come across a homeless person. The Republican hands him his business card and says "Call me tomorrow and I'll help you find a job." Then he reaches into his wallet, pulls out twenty dollars and gives it to the man.

    The two walk on a ways and come across another homeless person. Impressed by his Republican friend, the Democrat stops and gives the man directions to the welfare office. He reaches into the Republican's wallet and pulls out twenty dollars, gives five to the homeless person and keeps fifteen for administrative costs.

    That is the difference between a Republican and a Democrat.

  21. #21
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    El Guapo Airlines?

    I want to fly with them

  22. #22
    Cyburbian donk's avatar
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    I hate these jokes and everyone knows not to bother sending them to me. Here is a quiz I "found" on one of the newsgroups I frequent. (alt.mountain-bike)



    World's Easiest Quiz (Passing requires 4 correct answers--check answers below)



    1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

    2) Which country makes Panama hats?

    3) From which animal do we get catgut?

    4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

    5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

    6) The Canary Islands are named after what animal?

    7) What was King George VI's first name?

    8) What color is a purple finch?

    9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?



    All done? Check your answers below!








































    ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

    1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? *116 years

    2) Which country makes Panama hats? *Ecuador

    3) From which animal do we get cat gut? *Sheep and Horses

    4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
    *November

    5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? *Squirrel fur

    6) The Canary Islands are named after what animal? *Dogs

    7) What was King George VI's first name? *Albert

    8) What color is a purple finch? *Crimson (I'll allow red)

    9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? *New Zealand
    Too lazy to beat myself up for being to lazy to beat myself up for being too lazy to... well you get the point....

  23. #23
    Forums Administrator & Gallery Moderator NHPlanner's avatar
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    This one showed up (again) in my inbox today....but it's still funny.

    For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon". In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

    1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

    3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

    4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five percent of the roads.

    6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

    7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

    8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

    9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
    "Growth is inevitable and desirable, but destruction of community character is not. The question is not whether your part of the world is going to change. The question is how." -- Edward T. McMahon, The Conservation Fund

  24. #24
    Cyburbian Planderella's avatar
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    This is way stupid.........

    PHP code:
    20 Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stallmate  

    1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall 
    and ask your neighbor'May I borrow a highlighter?'  

    2. Say'Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.'  

    3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.  

    4. Say, '
    Damnthis water's cold.'  

    5. Drop a marble and say'Oh shit! My glass eye!'  

    6. Say'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'  

    7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantalope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.  

    8. Say, '
    Now how did that get there?'  

    9. Say, '
    HumusReminds me of humus.'  

    10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, '
    WhoaEasy boy!'  

    11. Say, '
    Interesting... more floaters than sinkers.'  

    12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, '
    Whoopscould you kick that back over here please?'  

    13. Say, '
    C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me.'  

    14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.  

    15. Say, '
    Boythat sure looks like a maggot.'  

    16. Say, '
    DamnI knew that drain hole was a little too smallNow what am I gonna do?'  

    17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.  

    18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your 
    '
    Cross-Dressers Anonymous' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.  

    19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, '
    Peek-a-boo!'  

    20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing '
    Born Free'. 
    "A witty woman is a treasure, a witty beauty is a power!"

  25. #25
    Cyburbian Planderella's avatar
    Registered
    Dec 1998
    Location
    NOLA
    Posts
    4,468
    The Difference Between The Liberal and Conservative "Debate" Over The War On Terrorism:

    Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot.


    You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

    ________________________________________________________________________________________________________

    Liberal Answer:

    Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

    This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

    ________________________________________________________________________________________________________

    Conservative Answer:

    BANG!


    ________________________________________________________________________________________________________


    Texan's Answer:

    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed)
    Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"
    Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."
    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
    Daughter: "Nice grouping Daddy!"
    "A witty woman is a treasure, a witty beauty is a power!"

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