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Thread: The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

  1. #226
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    Fertility & aging

    With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

    May we see the new baby? one asked.

    Not yet, said the mother. I'll make coffee and we can visit for while first.

    Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, May we see the new baby now?

    No, not yet, said the mother.

    After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, May we see the baby now?

    No, not yet, replied the mother.

    Growing very impatient, they asked, Well, when CAN we see the baby?

    WHEN IT CRIES! she told them.

    WHEN IT CRIES? they demanded. Why do we have to wait until it CRIES?

    BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it...
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  2. #227
    Cyburbian Doitnow!!'s avatar
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    Guys I am laughing my guts out reading this thread.
    SInce I am not really an internet geek it will take me some time to upload the many funny snaps/jpegs that keep coming to me by forwarded mails.
    Heres a text supposed to be a joke. Read it with fun and dont take it personally. I didnt create this but feel that its really informative too.
    Also DAn do letme know whther this is the right thread otherwise I will start a new one:
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    Anyone who has ever tried to learn English as a second language or teach it to second language learners should understand the ironic humor in this:

    Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

    1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

    2) The farm was used to produce produce.

    3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

    4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

    5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

    6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

    7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

    8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

    9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

    10) I did not object to the object.

    11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

    12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

    13) They were too close to the door to close it.

    14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

    15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

    16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

    17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

    18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

    19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

    20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

    21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


    Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

    English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

    If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

    Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

    If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

    If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian (like me)eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

    Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

    You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

    English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

    That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out it is invisible
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    "I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them".
    -Isaac Asimov

  3. #228
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    Federal Education Policy

    Reacting to Federal Guidelines, the state of Florida, which has been
    highlighted as a role model for student testing by the Bush Administration's
    Department of Education has released the following memo:

    In response to President Bush's Federal No Child Left Behind Act, students
    will have to pass it to be promoted to the next grade level. In the hopes
    that it will be uniformly adopted by all the states, thus illuminating
    Florida to a glorious front runner position in education, it will be called:
    the Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test (FART).

    All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested in
    grades 3-5 until such a time as they are capable of achieving a FART score
    of 80%. If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that student
    shall be placed in a separate English program, the Special Mastery Elective
    for Learning Language (SMELL).

    If with this increased SMELL program the student cannot pass the required
    FART, he or she can graduate to middle school by taking a one-semester
    course in Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation (CRAP).

    If by age fourteen the student cannot FART, SMELL or CRAP, he will earn his
    promotion in an intensive one-week seminar This is the Preparatory Reading
    for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students (PRUNES).

    It is the opinion of the Florida Department of Public Instruction that an
    intensive week of PRUNES will enable any student to FART, SMELL or CRAP.

    This revised provision of the student-testing component of the House
    Bill 110 should help clear the air.
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  4. #229
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

    The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully razing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    Then the young man opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it
    to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

    He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says:
    "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you Exactly what
    your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a consultant." says the shepherd.

    That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?",

    "No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
    question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business....Now give
    me back my dog."
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  5. #230
    Cyburbian JNL's avatar
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    The River

    One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

    The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

    Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ..and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

    The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

  6. #231
    Member jlong's avatar
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    Subject: My Kinda Marine !

    An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the
    class thathe was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real,then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying,"Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
    The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent me."

  7. #232
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
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    Sorry Arkansas

    A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism.His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research.

    He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"

    The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."

    "I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"

    After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her ,we took her back home."

    Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"

    The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once..."

  8. #233
    Cyburbian Doitnow!!'s avatar
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    This is just a mail which I got. I havent created any of them. Hope its fun.

    Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!
    Anonymous

    Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
    Oscar Wilde

    Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
    Scottish Proverb

    I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
    Sam Kinison

    A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
    Anonymous

    Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd
    be married too.
    H. L. Mencken

    Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later;for another thing, they die earlier.
    H. L. Mencken

    "A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle."
    U2

    Marriage is a threering circus:
    engagement ring
    wedding ring
    suffering

    When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
    When a tenyear married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

    Love is blind but marriage is an eyeopener.

    When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

    I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always.
    Anonymous


    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She
    said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
    Anonymous

    We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

    My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
    Anonymous

    She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.Then the mud fell off.
    Anonymous

    She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
    Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."
    Anonymous

    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after u let him in!
    Anonymous

    A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."


    A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled " It really works ! "
    "I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them".
    -Isaac Asimov

  9. #234
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
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    A University of South Carolina student met an Ivy league student and asked...
    "Where do you go to school?"
    "Yale", she replied.
    "Ok", said the USC student.
    "WHERE DO YOU GO TO SCHOOOOL?"

  10. #235
    Cyburbian Plus JNA's avatar
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    Now that is baseball season,

    another Yogi-ism:
    "Little League is a great thing, because it keeps the parents off the street."
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  11. #236
    Cyburbian SlaveToTheGrind's avatar
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    Yes, this can be used with ANY politician.

    A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them
    are John Kerry fans. Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is,
    but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their
    hands except Johnny.

    The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny
    says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."

    The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"

    Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."

    The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.

    The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a
    George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"

    The teacher is kind of angry, because, after all, this is Vermont,
    so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an
    idiot, what would that make you?"

    Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan."

  12. #237
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by biscuit
    "Ok", said the USC student. "WHERE DO YOU GO TO SCHOOOOL?"
    Reminds me of the University of Nebraska, where the "N" stands for "Knowledge."

    Okay ... an Aggie joke.

    An Aggie decides to raise chickens. He goes to the feed store and buys some chicks. He takes the chicks home, and plants them with their heads sticking up. He waters them, but they die.

    He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought defective chicks, and gets another set. This time he plants them with their heads sticking down. He waters them, but they die.

    He then sends a letter to his alma nater, describing the problem. They send a letter back asking for a soil sample.
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  13. #238
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs,
    they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son,
    says the Pope, What may I do for you?"

    Dopey asks, "Excuse me, your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
    Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
    and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

    In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around
    and gives them a glare, silencing them.

    Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
    The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No,
    Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time all of the other dwarfs
    burst into laughter.

    Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

    Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in
    the world?"

    The Pope replies, "I'm sorry, my son, to my knowledge there are no dwarf
    nuns anywhere in the world."

    The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the
    floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting....

    "Dopey screwed a penguin!...Dopey screwed a penguin!"
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  14. #239
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    party

    Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

    After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens It and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.

    "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...Having a Christmas party Friday night...Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

    "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

    As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."

    "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

    Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

    "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

    "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

    "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

    "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
    WALSTIB

  15. #240
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    A letter from the President

    THE WHITE HOUSE WASHINGTON D.C.

    Mr. John Hinckley
    St. Elizabeth's Hospital
    Washington, DC

    Dear John:

    Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent
    progress in recovery from your mental problems. We were
    pleased to hear that you now can have unsupervised visits
    with your parents. The staff at the hospital reports
    that you are doing fine.

    I have decided to seek a second term in office as your
    president and I would appreciate your support and the
    support of your fine parents. I would hope that if there
    is anything you need at the hospital, you would let us
    know.

    By the way, are you aware that John Kerry is screwing
    Jody Foster?

    Sincerely,

    George W. Bush
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  16. #241
    Cyburbian Plus JNA's avatar
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    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  17. #242
    Cyburbian Doitnow!!'s avatar
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    This was sent to me by my younger cousin yesterday.

    The names used are Indian. The Chutney is a spicy condiment containing fruit, vinegar, sugar, and spices. Chutney can range from mild to hot and is often used as an accompaniment to curried dishes.

    ==============================================================
    AN INDIAN MOTHER comes to visit her son Kunal for dinner...who lives with a girl room mate Sunita...During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kunal's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kunal and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kunal volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just room mates." About a week later, Sunita came to Kunal saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Kunal.Several days later, Kunal received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now. Love, Mom.
    "I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them".
    -Isaac Asimov

  18. #243
    Cyburbian JNL's avatar
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    What do you think - should I post a joke about Irish, coffee, viagra and Starbucks?

  19. #244
    Cyburbian JNL's avatar
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    As it were, an Irish woman "of a certain age", visited her physician
    to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive.

    Doctor: "What about trying Viagra?"

    Woman: "Not a chance...he won't even take an aspirin."

    Doctor: "Not a problem ...drop it into his coffee. He won't even
    taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how
    things went."

    It wasn't a week later that she rang up the doctor, who directly
    inquired as to progress. Alas, the poor dear exclaimed..." oh,
    faith, bejaysus and begorrah!!! Twas horrid!! Just terrible,
    Doctor."

    Doctor: "Really? What happened?"

    Woman: "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, The
    effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a
    twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one
    swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me
    clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad,
    passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell
    you!"

    Doctor:"Why so terrible? Do you mean the sex was not good?"

    Woman: "No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best
    sex I've had in 25 years. But I'll never be able to show my face in
    Starbucks again!"

  20. #245
    Cyburbian JNL's avatar
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    Puns for fun

    1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
    2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much - he became known as the lesser of two weevils.
    3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
    4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
    5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
    6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
    7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds," They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
    8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
    9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)......A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
    10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his grumpy friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

  21. #246
    Cyburbian Dragon's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2003
    Location
    MS, Not Margaritaville, though we are building one
    Posts
    750
    A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he
    goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that
    he would sell.

    The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph.
    He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

    Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer
    decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph

    The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first
    he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've
    got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money."

    Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and
    have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

    Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and
    Ralph takes off like a shot.

    WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and
    the farmer is really shocked.

    After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure
    enough, Ralph is in there.

    Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake.
    Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in
    the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

    The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't
    even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the
    next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard,
    mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the
    air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

    The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive
    animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace
    yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to
    yourself."

    Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and
    says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."
    “Ahh! Beer. So many choices. And it makes so little difference."
    - Bender

  22. #247
    Cyburbian Plus JNA's avatar
    Registered
    Jun 2003
    Location
    De Noc
    Posts
    19,077
    Gedunker should enjoy this.

    Dear Consumas:
    It has come ta our attention dat a cupola copies of the Windows XP New Joisey Edition may have been shipped outsida Joisey.

    If ya got one a dese, you may need some help unnerstanin da commans.

    Da Joisey edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads:

    "Windas XP", wit a background pitcha a Hoboken.

    When yous start da program instead a da usual harpy stringy like music, you hear a little Springsteen.

    It's also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.

    Please also note:

    1. Recycle bin is labeled "Newark"
    2. My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computa"
    3. The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk"
    4. Deleted items are referred to as "Wacked", Erased" or "Rubbed Out"
    5. Control Panel is known as "The Bosses"
    6. Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "Enhancin' da Family business"
    and will actually maximize da program instead a shuttin' it down.
    7. Hard Drive is referred to as "Da Parkway on Da Way to Da Shore"
    8. Instead of an error message, "You Ain't Gonna Friggin' Believe Dis'" pops up.

    Changes in Terminology in Da Joisey Edition:

    OK . . . . ...Sure ting
    Cancel . .. . Fugetaboudit
    Reset . . . . Stat ova
    Yes . .. .. ..Yeah
    No . . . . ...Nah
    Find . . . . Put a Contract Out On
    Browse . . .Get a Looksee
    Back . .. .. U-Toin
    Help . . . . Getcha Own Friggin' Ansa
    Stop . . . . Knock it Off
    Start . . . . Move it
    Settings . . Here's da Rules
    We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you mistakenly got a copy of da Joisey Edition (not).

    You may retoin it ta Microsoft for a replacement voision.
    You gotta problem wit dat?
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  23. #248
    Cyburbian Cardinal's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    The Cheese State
    Posts
    10,056
    Women are like apples on trees: the best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.......

    So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along - the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

    Share this with other women who are good apples - even those who have already been picked!

    And remember ... Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
    Anyone want to adopt a dog?

  24. #249
    Cyburbian JNL's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Wellington, NZ
    Posts
    2,447

    Things we'd never know if it wasn't for Movies and TV series...

    1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

    2. Beds have strange L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

    3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

    4. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

    5. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

    6. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

    7. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

    8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

    9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

    10. People on TV never finish their drinks.

    11. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

    12. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

    13. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

    14. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

    15. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

    16. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

    17. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

    18. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

    19. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

    20. All single women have a cat.

    21. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

    22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

    23. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

    24. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"

    25. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

    26. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

    27. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

    28. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

    29. Dogs always know how to spot villains and will bark at them and no one else.

    30. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

    31. When they are alone, all foreigners somehow prefer to speak English to each other.

    32. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

    33. There's always a chainsaw around when you need one.

    34. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

    35. All bombs are fitted with helpful electronic timing devices that have large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

    36. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

    37. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

    38. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

    39. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

  25. #250
    Cyburbian boiker's avatar
    Registered
    Dec 2001
    Location
    West Valley, AZ
    Posts
    3,895
    Did you hear about the new bar and grill for cross-dressers?

    It's called "Eat, Drink & be Mary"
    Dude, I'm cheesing so hard right now.

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