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Thread: The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

  1. #251
    Cyburbian Cardinal's avatar
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    A friend sent me this, but I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry...

    "The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
    - George W. Bush

    "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
    - George W. Bush

    "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
    - George W. Bush

    "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
    - George W. Bush

    "The future will be better tomorrow."
    - George W. Bush

    "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
    - George W. Bush

    "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
    - George W. Bush

    "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
    - George W. Bush

    "Public speaking is very easy."
    - George W. Bush

    "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
    - George W. Bush

    "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
    - George W. Bush

    "For NASA, space is still a high priority."
    - George W. Bush

    "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
    - George W. Bush

    "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
    - George W. Bush

    "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
    - George W. Bush

    God help America.....
    Anyone want to adopt a dog?

  2. #252
    Cyburbian Dragon's avatar
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    A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet golden retriever along for company. One day, the golden retriever starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost.

    So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The golden retriever thinks,
    "OK, I'm in deep crap now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

    Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

    Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. “That was close. That golden retriever nearly had me."

    Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for future protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the golden retriever saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

    The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

    Now the golden retriever sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

    But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear the golden retriever says.....................

    "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

    REMEMBER: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE THEM WITH
    BULLCRAP!
    “Ahh! Beer. So many choices. And it makes so little difference."
    - Bender

  3. #253
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    A young college student was supposed to write a short story in as few
    words as possible for her college class. The instructions were that it
    had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. She was the only one
    in class who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

    "Good God, I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it?"
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  4. #254
    Cyburbian Plus
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    What is a Post Turtle?

    A physician suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70 -year old Texas rancher, whose hand had caught in a gate while working cattle, gets to talking with the old man about George W. Bush being in the White House.

    The old Texan says, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'Post Turtle'."

    Not knowing what the old man meant, the physician asks him what a "Poat Turtle" is.

    The old man answers, "When you're driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a "Post Turtle".

    The old man sees a puzzled look upon the physician's face, so he continues to explain,

    "You know he didn't get up there by himself,
    he doesn't belong up there,
    he can't get anything done while he's up there, and
    you just want to help the poor dumb ass get down.
    That's a "Post Turtle"
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  5. #255
    Cyburbian PlannerByDay's avatar
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    When Mike got home last night from work, his wife demanded that he take her out to some place expensive.


    So he took her to the gas station.

  6. #256
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    Location
    San Diego, CA
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    Raster and Vector

    I was chatting with a GIS guy a couple of days ago. At some point, for clarification, he asked "You do know what raster and vector are, don't you?" I said "Yes, of course. I have my certificate. Raster is that really fast dinosaur that ate so many people in Jurassic Park. Vector is the thing that transmits a parasitic infection."

    He pretty quickly realized I was kidding. He wasn't so quick on the uptake when he sent me an image as a sample of a project he is working on. It had street names in one of those curly-cue, right-to-left middle eastern languages. I said "You know, it looks like some kindergartner has scribbled all over your map."
    :-P

  7. #257
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
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    EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

    8:00 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
    9:30 a.m.Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
    9:40 a.m.Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
    10:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
    11:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
    Noon- Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
    1:00 p.m.Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
    4:00 p.m.Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
    5:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
    5:30 p.m.Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
    6:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
    6:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
    8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!


    EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

    Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an
    attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the high metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ....

  8. #258
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
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    A Lettet From Home

    Dear Billy Jo Bob, I'm writting this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

    This place is really nice. I even has one of them new fangled washing machines. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.

    The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

    About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

    Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

    Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

    Your uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.

    Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

    Hope things are good in the big city.

    Love,

    Aunt Mable

  9. #259
    Cyburbian Doitnow!!'s avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by PlannerByDay
    When Mike got home last night from work, his wife demanded that he take her out to some place expensive.


    So he took her to the gas station.

    :-} :-} :-}
    "I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them".
    -Isaac Asimov

  10. #260
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
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    Sorry ladies

    On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

    Two Italian men and one Italian woman

    Two French men and one French woman

    Two German men and one German woman

    Two Greek men and one Greek woman

    Two English men and one English woman

    Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman

    Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

    Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman

    Two Irish men and one Irish woman

    Two American men and one American woman

    One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

    One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

    The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

    The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

    The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

    The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

    The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

    The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

    The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

    The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

    The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping....

  11. #261
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    Foul - penalty to Michaelskis

    I think we have our first repeat joke post. See posts #257 & 261 above.
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  12. #262
    Cyburbian Rem's avatar
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    Second foul to Michaleskis for removing the evidence - a cover up always exacerbates the offence. Michaleskis Millhouse ________?

  13. #263
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Rem
    Second foul to Michaleskis for removing the evidence - a cover up always exacerbates the offence. Michaleskis Millhouse ________?
    Come on... like someone important would give me the power to remove one of my posts... I am not a crook!

    Besides, Biscuit tells it better than I do anyhow.
    Not my monkey, not my circus. - Old Polish Proverb

  14. #264
    Cyburbian Rem's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by michaelskis
    Come on... like someone important would give me the power to remove one of my posts... I am not a crook!
    Must have been one of your agents acting on their own initiative.

  15. #265
    Cyburbian
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    Santiago, Chile
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    Funny? Boring? You decide!

    What's the title for the next Michael Moore film?
    Harry Potter and the prisoners of Abu Ghraib


  16. #266
    Cyburbian Rem's avatar
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    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ ||

    > | B e e r T r u c k | ||'""|""\__,_

    > | _____________ l ||__|__|___|)~~|

    > (@! )'! (@)"""""**|(@)(@)****|(@)

    16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK....

    01. It's an incentive to show up.
    02. It leads to more honest communications.
    03. It reduces complaints about low pay.
    04. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
    05. It encourages car pooling.
    06. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
    07. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
    08. It makes fellow employees look better.
    09. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
    10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
    11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
    12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
    13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas
    14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
    15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
    16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.

    > |^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ ||

    > | B e e r T r u c k | ||'""|""\____

    > | _____________ l ||__|__|___|)""|

    > (@! )'! (@)"""""**|(@)(@)****|(@)

  17. #267
    Cyburbian AubieTurtle's avatar
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    Downtown Atlanta
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    Last edited by NHPlanner; 08 Aug 2005 at 10:57 AM.
    As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. - H.L. Mencken

  18. #268
    Cyburbian el Guapo's avatar
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    So wrong, yet so freaking funny.

  19. #269
    Moving at my own pace....... Planderella's avatar
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    I've gotten this through email a few times. It never fails to produce a snarf.
    "A witty woman is a treasure, a witty beauty is a power!"

  20. #270
    Cyburbian Big Easy King's avatar
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    I am better than your kid

    Now that's a trip! (sorry kids)
    A person who strives is one who thrives. It's GREAT to be THE KING!!!

  21. #271
    Cyburbian Plus
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    The Guys' Rules:

    At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

    Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)


    We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
    Now here are the rules from the male side.
    These are our rules!
    Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
    We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
    Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
    In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
    Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
    We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
    We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

    1. Thank you for reading this.

    Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

    Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

    Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  22. #272
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
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    Jack was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand in the weak light, tears running down her face. Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, pale lips moving slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered.

    "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

    He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

    "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep now."

    "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ...I . . I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother."

    "I know sweet one" whispered Becky, "Let the poison work."

  23. #273
    Cyburbian Rem's avatar
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    Divorce......

    A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

    Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

    The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

    The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, "he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

    Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

    He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

    Up to 60 mph.

    "I want the car, too," he continues.

    65 mph.

    "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

    This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

    The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.

    "Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"

    Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and says ...............

    "The airbag."

    Never underestimate how a woman thinks.

  24. #274
    Cyburbian Doitnow!!'s avatar
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    I hope no one goes through this ;-)

    Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation, one of
    them kept complaining of family problems.

    Finally, the other man said:

    "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation."
    "A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We
    got married and got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my
    stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my
    father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her
    father-in-law". "Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a
    son, This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son.
    But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's
    grand-son. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother."
    "This was nothing until my wife and I had a Baby. Now the
    half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother, This makes my
    father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife,
    I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my
    son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!"

    "And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!"
    "I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them".
    -Isaac Asimov

  25. #275
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    Akron
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    gramps

    Quote Originally posted by Doitnow!!
    I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!"
    I think this comes from an old country song, "Im my own grandpa."
    WALSTIB

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