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Thread: The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

  1. #276
    Cyburbian Plus
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    Quote Originally posted by Tom R
    I think this comes from an old country song, "Im my own grandpa."
    Some attribute it to Mark Twain
    http://www.mudcat.org/thread.cfm?thr...19&messages=37

    "It was written ca. 1947 or so by Moe Jaffe and Dwight Latham, a pair of Tin
    Pan Alley tunesmiths. The earliest recording of it I know of was by Lonzo &
    Oscar, but Homer & Jethro probably had the most widely known version. Ray
    Stevens has done it, I think Dave Grisman has as well. The all-female
    bluegrass band Sidesaddle turned it into "I'm My Own Grandma" on their album
    'Girl From The Red Rose Saloon'."
    http://www.gumbopages.com/fridge/grandpa.txt

    :-0 Flow / connection graphic at: http://home.earthlink.net/~jimpool2/...andpa-art.html B-)
    Last edited by JNA; 06 Jul 2004 at 10:26 AM.
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  2. #277
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
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    OUTSOURCING JOBS REACHES NEW HEIGHTS

    Washington, D.C. (July 9) - Congress today announced that the Office of President of the United States will be outsourced to overseas interests at the end of this fiscal year. The move is being made to save $400K/year in salary, a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead. "The cost savings will be quite significant" says Congressman Adam Smith (D - Wash) who, with the aid of the GAO (the General Accounting Office) has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We simply can no longer afford this level of outlay and remain competitive in the world stage", Congressman Smith said.

    Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of the termination of his position. He will receive health coverage, expenses and salary until his final day of employment. After that, with a two week waiting period, he will then be eligible for $240 dollars a week from unemployment insurance for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be able to receive state Medicaid health insurance coverage as his unemployment benefits are over the required limit.

    Preparations have been underway for some time for the job move. Sanji Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the Office of President of the United States as of July 1. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his parents were here on student visas, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (US$) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. Due to the time difference between the US and India, Mr. Singh will be working primarily at night, when offices of the US Government will be open. "I am excited to serve in this position," Mr. Singh stated in an exclusive interview. "Working nights will let me keep my day job at the American Express call center. I always knew I could be President someday." Congress stressed patience when calling Mr. Singh as he may not be fully aware of all the issues involved with his new position. A Congressional Spokesperson noted that Mr. Singh has been given a script tree to follow which will allow him to respond to most topics of concern. The Spokesperson further noted that "additional savings will be realized as these scripting tools have been successfully used by Mr. Bush and will enable Mr. Singh to provide an answer without having to fully understand the issue itself."

    Mr. Bush has been offered the use of a Congressional Page to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Inc., the placement firm, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position as job prospects in the Sports Franchise Ownership arena remain limited. A recently released report from the Pentagon suggests a good prospect for him as a newly unemployed person may be in the Army National Guard. There he would be called up with his unit and stationed in Iraq, a country he has visited briefly before. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq and the conditions there," stated Mr. Bush. He gained invaluable knowledge of the country in his first visit at the Baghdad Airport nonsmoking terminal and gift shop.

    Meanwhile in Baghdad and Falluja, Iraq, sources report that local Iraqis say Mr. Bush would receive an especially warm reception from them. Such sources stated the Iraqis only request would be to be informed of which convoy he would be riding in order to give him the welcome he deserves. Congress continues to explore other outsourcing possibilities including that of Vice-president and most Cabinet positions.

  3. #278
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    Deficits in the Signage Department.

    On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law." - Sisters of Mercy

    In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."

    In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

    On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

    On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multipacks."

    In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

    In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

    In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

    On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

    On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."

    On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."

    In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

    At a used car lot: "Secondhand cars in first crash condition."

    In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

    On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  4. #279
    Cyburbian Rem's avatar
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    One for the Goddesses

    My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood
    ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

    When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

    When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f&%$ing red mark on his
    forehead.

    Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

  5. #280
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
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    Top Country Western Songs of all Time
    25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye.

    24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.

    23. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?

    22. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.

    21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don’t Run So I Figure We’re Even.

    20. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You.

    19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

    18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better.

    17. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win.

    16. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight.

    15. I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here.

    14. I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin’ On My Back and Cryin’ Over You.

    13. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

    12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now.

    11. Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head).

    10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You.

    9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.

    8. Please Bypass This Heart.

    7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

    6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.

    5. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

    4. If the Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me.

    3. She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles.

    2. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer.

    And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...
    1.I Haven’t Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I’ve Sure Woke Up With A Few.

  6. #281
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    One-day Schedule for The 2004 Republican National Convention

    The first day and almost all the issues seem to be covered:

    The 2004 Republican National Convention (New York City)

    10:00 am: Opening Ceremony: Pat Boone accompanies
    Lee Greenwood singing "I'm Proud to be an American"

    10:05 am: Vote on motion to go into Closed Session.
    (If motion fails, Justice Antonin Scalia will
    announce that all media must turn off audio and
    video recording devices.)

    10:30 am: Katherine Harris speaks on "Are Elections Really Necessary?"

    10:45 am: Trent Lott - "Re-segregation in the 21st Century"

    11:00 am: Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan

    11:10 am: Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Birth Control Should Be Outlawed"

    11:30 am: Rush Limbaugh - "Just Say No To Drugs"

    11:45 am: Ann Coulter's Tribute to "Joe McCarthy, American Patriot"

    12:00 noon: Singing of "God Bless America" and big screen projection of
    "Blue Angels" fly-over

    12:04 pm: Lunch Break - steak with vegetable sides of ketchup and relish,
    yellow cake

    12:30 pm: Oliver North - "Never Trade Arms with Terrorists"

    1:00 pm: Reps. Doolittle and DeLay speak on the GOP congressional agenda.

    1:30 pm: Group cheer -- Global-warming-schmobal warming!

    1:35 pm: GOP's Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell and Condi Rice

    2:00 pm: Accounting for Beginners -- "Tax Cuts are Good for Deficit
    Reduction"

    2:30 pm: Labor Secretary Elaine Chao speaks on "Economic Growth Through
    Job Exportation"

    3:00 pm: Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage"

    3:30 pm: Unveiling of "The Guide to Imperialism" by the Heritage Foundation

    4:00 pm: Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore

    4:15 pm: "Eradicate Poor People" Happy Hour (guided sight-seeing buses
    leaving for Harlem every 10 minutes)

    6:00 pm: Dinner Break: Texas-Style Endangered Species Barbeque

    7:00 pm: John Ashcroft leads ceremonial burning of the Bill of Rights

    (Note to convention hall staff - make sure statue of Justice is fully clothed)

    7:15 pm: George W. Bush video tribute "Higher than a Kite: Portrait of a
    Fighter Pilot"

    7:30 pm: Vote on motion to put image of Ronald Reagan on one dollar bill

    Keynote Speech by Dick Cheney (Exact time TBA, depending on his arrival
    from secret bunker).

    8:00 pm: "Kiss Ass" session with Christian Coalition

    8:30 pm: Workshop on government-corporate relations by Dick Cheney

    8:45 pm: Log Cabin Republicans Encounter Session --
    Coming to Terms with Your Self-Hatred

    9:00 pm: Assault Rifle Raffle
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  7. #282
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    Aaaaabbbbbbbbbbooooooooooottttt

    Some of you non-Abbott and Costello fans may not get it. I feel sorry for you.

    Bud Abbott and Lou Costello's infamous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

    COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

    ABBOTT: Your computer?

    COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

    ABBOTT: What about Windows?

    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

    COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

    ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

    ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

    COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

    ABBOTT: I just did.

    COSTELLO: You just did what?

    ABBOTT: Recommend something.

    COSTELLO: You recommended something?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: For my office?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

    ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

    COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my Computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

    ABBOTT: Word.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOTT: Word in Office.

    COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

    COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers.
    OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

    ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

    COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business.
    Just tell me what I need!

    ABBOTT: Real One.

    COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

    ABBOTT: Of course.

    COSTELLO: Great! With what?

    ABBOTT: Real One.

    COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

    ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

    COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

    ABBOTT: The blue "1".

    COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

    ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

    ABBOTT: No, just one. But it' s the most popular Word in the world.

    COSTELLO: It is?

    ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

    COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

    ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

    COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

    ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

    COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

    ABBOTT: One copy.

    COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

    A FEW DAYS LATER . .

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

    ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........
    WALSTIB

  8. #283
    Cyburbian SlaveToTheGrind's avatar
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    Oil Change Instructions for Women:

    1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

    2. Drink a cup of coffee.

    3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

    Money spent: Oil Change-$20.00 Coffee-$1.00 Total-$21.00

    ********************************************

    Oil Change Instructions for Men:

    1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree. Write a check for $50.00.

    2. Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

    3. Open a beer and drink it.

    4. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

    5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. Jack car up.

    6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

    7. Place drain pan under engine.

    8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

    9. Give up and use crescent wrench. Unscrew drain plug.

    10. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil, splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

    11. Crawl out from under car to wipe oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

    12. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

    13. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

    14. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

    15. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.

    16. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

    17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

    18. Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to recycle.

    19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

    20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

    21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

    22. Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

    23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

    24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

    25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

    26. Remember that used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with the drain plug.

    27. Drink beer.

    28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties.

    29. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

    30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. Drink beer.

    31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

    32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

    33. Begin cussing fit.

    34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

    35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1982) in the left boob, who is hanging with all your admiration, on the wall.

    36. Beer.

    37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

    38. Beer. More Beer.

    39. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

    40. Beer.

    41. Lower car from jack stands.

    42. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

    43. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.

    44. Beer.

    45. Test drive car.

    46. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

    47. Car gets impounded.

    48. Call loving wife, make bail.

    49. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Money spent: Parts-$50.00, DUI-$2500.00, Impound fee-$75.00, Bail- $1500.00, Beer-$40.00.

    Total--$4165.00 But you know the job was done right....

  9. #284
    Cyburbian boiker's avatar
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    For El Guapo:

    The Ant and the Grasshopper~OLD AND NEW VERSION

    THE OLD VERSION:

    The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

    The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the Summer away.
    Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
    MORAL OF THE ORIGINAL STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

    THE MODERN VERSION:

    The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

    The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the Summer away.

    Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a
    table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

    Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green." Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. Tom Daschle & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for
    failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

    Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

    The ant loses the case. !

    The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

    The ant has disappeared in the snow.

    The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

    MORAL OF THE NEW STORY: Vote Republican
    Dude, I'm cheesing so hard right now.

  10. #285
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  11. #286
    Cyburbian
    Registered
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    Santiago, Chile
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    Not an actual joke, but a rather funny site

    Acts Of Gord

    In brief, the site is a collection of stories from a video game store owner. Here's a little quote:

    So Gord wanders to the store after a rare morning walk, blueberry bagel in hand. Time check, it's 10:45.

    As he approaches the door, there is one lady and her two children. She seems rather unpleased at Gord.

    "Why are you so late?"

    "Ma'am, I open at 11. I'm 15 minutes early. Please don't tell anyone, as this sets a very bad precedent. But being the nice guy I am, I'll let you in early."

    Gord enters the store.

    The family walks around for a couple minutes and looks at things. One of the kids runs up to Gord.

    "So when are you going to put the games on the big TV?"

    "Being that I'm not even normally open yet, probably not for a while."

    Child runs back to mother.

    "Ok, I'll pick you kids up at 6pm. Don't go anywhere! Make sure you stay here all day."

    Unfortunately when she said that, Gord was on the phone with a customer. And the lady was gone before the call ended, leaving her two children (ages 8 to 9?).

    "Uhm...." thought Gord. While he wasn't heartless, he wasn't about to set another bad precedent where people could convert the store into a free daycare.

    "Where does your mom work?" asked Gord of the children.

    They provided the name of the place, and her name as well. Gord pulled out the phone book and gives her a call.

    "So, about your children."

    "What about them?"

    "I'm going to make two calls. The first call is to my supplier. I have to order a stack of games and go through my back orders. That should take about twenty minutes."

    "So?"

    "After that, if your children are still here, I'm phoning the children protection authority and doing everyone a favour."

    "You can't do that!"

    "Ma'am. I can do anything. I own a game store." <click>

    And sure enough, she was back in less than 10 minutes. She grabs her kids and as she leaves she yells "I'm never coming back!"

    "Is this where I say thank you, or is it more polite to mail a card?"

  12. #287
    Cyburbian otterpop's avatar
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    Two guys walked into a bar in Lincoln, Montana. One says to the bartender, "Give us two drinks of your best stuff. We just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took us four months."

    A guy sitting at the bar is surprised. "Four months! It shouldn't take two guys four months to do a jigsaw puzzle."

    One of the men is indignant. "It says right on the box 'three to seven years'"
    "I am very good at reading women, but I get into trouble for using the Braille method."

    ~ Otterpop ~

  13. #288
    Cyburbian PlannerByDay's avatar
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    What is the square root of 69?




















    eight (ate) something


    Next One,


    What is the difference of 69 and 77?















    Eight (ate) More

  14. #289
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

    The doctor replied "It's very simple. You're two tents."
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  15. #290
    Cyburbian el Guapo's avatar
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    More Chicken Crossings - Iraq Edition

    Why did the Iraqi Chicken Cross the Road?

    Coalition Provisional Authority:
    The fact that the chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision-making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on, the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.

    President Bush:
    That's the wonderful thing about democracy. The chicken is now free to make his own road-crossing choices.


    Halliburton:
    We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossings and the rarity of chickens; this operation will only cost the U.S. Govt $326, 004.


    Muqtada al-Sadr:
    The chicken was a tool of the evil Coalition and will be killed.


    U.S. Army Military Police:
    We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.


    Pershmerga:
    The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in the future and to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck and will wear a plastic bill.


    1st Cav:
    The chicken was not authorized to cross the road without displaying two forms of picture identification. Thus, the chicken was appropriately detained and searched in accordance with current SOPs. We apologize for any embarrassment to the chicken. As a result of this unfortunate incident, the command has instituted a chicken sensitivity training program and all future chicken searches will be conducted by female soldiers.

    Al-Jazeera:
    The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to eyewitnesses. Without provocation, the chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.


    Blackwater:
    We cannot confirm any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.


    Translators:
    Chicken he cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.


    The Pentagon:
    We are developing anti-grav plating for the chickens feet and installing it with a chicken-portable microprocessor based missile defense system in order to enable the chicken to capitalize on the revolution in road-crossing affairs. A inter-relational database will be developed to ensure that no peer competitor, such as a pheasant, emerges to challenge the chickens full-spectrum information dominance. A separate analytical unit will be set-up, called the Office of Special Chickens, to challenge CIA analysis of the chicken*s prospects for success.

    3rd Infantry Div:
    We got to Baghdad first! ...what chicken?


    2nd ACR:
    The chickens are dead. We nailed 50 of them next to a mosque with 75 rounds of 105mmm and 2,000 rounds of 20mm. The fools.


    The Marines:
    We will cordon off the chickens' coop and shell the crap out of it since we don't have enough forces to perform a decisive operation. Before that, we will blame the Army for excessive use of force in prior dealings with the chicken, while asking to borrow some of their tanks.


    George Tenet, CIA director::
    I want pictures of bad chickens, doing bad things.


    CENTCOM Road Crossing OPT:
    We need J2 to provide us with intel on why the chicken used that particular road and an assessment on whether this was part of a larger insurgency by Zarqawi to create a chicken caliphate. What is StratComms doing about this???? We need you to drop leaflets on all the chicken villages telling them not to cross the road and make sure we put an Iraqi face on this.


    John Kerry:
    Had I been in the White House, we would have had a stronger coalition to ensure that the chicken would have been able to cross the road in safety. It is time for a new vision. I urge the American people and Congress to demand answers on the terrible incident and believe that this incident is another misstep on the part of the Pentagon that has severely damaged our reputation. Rumsfeld should resign.


    Psychological Operations (PSYOP) Soldier:
    Being a cultural expert on Gallus domesticus (chickens) I assessed the situation and realized that the only the chicken*s key communicator, the rooster, could convince the chickens to stop crossing the road. With the help of my Civil Affairs brethren, I offered the rooster 1000 more chickens for his coup if he would influence the chickens to not cross the road. The rooster couldn't believe that I had 1000 chickens, but I assured him that in a democratic society that was possible. After much debate, eating corn feed, and sipping water, the rooster agreed. I had my Civil Affairs brother coordinate for the delivery of the 1000 chickens. To further reinforce the message I had Combat Camera take pictures and video of the event and had the Public Affairs officer write an article. We tried to embed Fox News but lost about 100 chickens. After some additional negotiation with the rooster and promises that we would not embed foxes with chickens, we concluded the deal. The Joint Psychological Operations Task Force (JPOTF) took the Combat Camera photos and video and the Public Affairs article and placed them in major regional media outlets to include television, radio, and newspapers. In conjunction with the JPOTF, the PAO prepared talking points and disseminated them to all our subordinate units. The JPOTF produced billboards, bumper stickers, and egg logos reinforcing the cooperation of the chickens. The JPOTF requested US Special Operations Command contract for and fund a television documentary on the history of chickens crossing the road and the results in an attempt to dissuade future generations of chickens from *crossing the road.* The backgrounder from the PSYOP target audience analysis for our key leader interviews and press conferences is attached.

    UBL
    The infidel chicken, I spit on him, had to cross the street as he was running in fear from the jihad called on all chickens that cooperate with the infidel Americans and Jews. Had the infidel chicken, I curse his offspring may they be scrambled forever, stayed, he surely would have been dragged through the special pit of herbs and spices and felt the wrath of the fire pit and been roasted for an eternity!

  16. #291
    Cyburbian Plus
    Registered
    Jun 2003
    Location
    De Noc
    Posts
    17,617

    This Is Why Family Farms Are So Neat

    Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
    Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
    Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
    Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
    Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
    A bumblebee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
    Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
    Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
    Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
    Meanness doesn’t happen overnight.
    To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
    Never lay an angry hand on a child or an animal, it just isn’t helpful.
    Teachers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
    Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
    Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
    Two can live as cheap as one if one doesn’t eat.
    Don't corner something meaner than you.
    You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.
    Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.
    It doesn’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
    Don't go hunting' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
    You can't unsay a cruel thing.
    Every path has some puddles.
    When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
    The best sermons are lived, not preached.
    Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  17. #292
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Akron
    Posts
    2,255

    Reminds me

    Arguing with a planner is like wrestling with a pig in the mud.

    Pretty soon you realize, the pig likes it!
    WALSTIB

  18. #293
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
    Registered
    Feb 2004
    Location
    on my 15 minute break
    Posts
    17,688
    A drunk comes staggering out of bar and stumbles into a nearby cathedral. He makes his way downn the aisle and into one of the confessionals. After a prolonged silence the priest says "Can I help you, my son?" "I dunno," says the drunk. "you got any toilet paper there on your side?"

    A dedicated union shop steward is at a convention in Las Vegas and decides to find a brothel. He stops at one and asks the madam if it's a union house. "no, " replies the madame. "How much do the girls get paid?" "If you pay me $100, the house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." "That's terrible," says the steward and stomps out. Eventually he finds a brothel that that the madam says is a union house. "And how much do the girls get paid?" he asks. "If you pay $100 the girl gets $80 and the house gets $20" responds the madam. "That's great! I'd like Tiffany!" "I'm sure you would but Ethel here has seniority."
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

  19. #294
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Akron
    Posts
    2,255
    1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
    (because they are plugged into a genius)

    2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
    (they don't have enough time)

    3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
    (they don't stop to ask directions)

    4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
    (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

    5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
    (because they don't have penises to put them in)

    6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
    (they're intended for children, but men usually play with
    them)

    7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
    (because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor
    lock)
    (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

    8. WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
    (it is sex with someone they love)

    9. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
    (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

    10. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
    (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

    11. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
    (so he can tell if he's coming or going)

    12. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
    (don't know...... it never happened)




    Subject: apg..being hypnotized......has a dirty word

    It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

    As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

    The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."

    He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
    "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

    The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
    gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
    swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
    fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
    "****" said the hypnotist.

    It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
    Last edited by NHPlanner; 08 Aug 2005 at 10:46 AM.
    WALSTIB

  20. #295
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Paris of Appalachia
    Posts
    3,902
    The latest proposal to drive the Taliban and Al Qaeda out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in the ASF (Alabama Special Forces.)

    Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, Cooter and Junior are being sent in with the following information about the Taliban:

    1. There is no limit.
    2. The season opened last weekend.
    3. They taste just like chicken.
    4. They hate beer, pickup trucks, country music, and Jesus.
    5. They don't like barbecue.

    And most importantly...

    6. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.

  21. #296
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Akron
    Posts
    2,255

    dog

    TALKING TEXAS DOG

    One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a
    sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

    He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog
    is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black
    Lab just sitting there.

    "You talk?" he asks.

    "Yep," the Lab replies.

    "So, what's your story?"

    The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered
    this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I
    told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country
    to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because
    no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable
    spies eight years running.

    "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch
    of medals.

    Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
    "Ten dollars."

    The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

    "He's a liar. He didn't do any of that s**t."
    WALSTIB

  22. #297
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    Posts
    3,387

    Never Say To A Cop

    1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

    2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

    3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

    4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

    5. Are You Andy or Barney?

    6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

    7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

    8. I pay your salary!

    9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

    10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

    11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

    12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  23. #298
    Cyburbian Plus
    Registered
    Jun 2003
    Location
    De Noc
    Posts
    17,617
    An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They
    were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave
    came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and
    couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the
    promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
    Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
    It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the
    bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
    butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise."




    The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  24. #299
    Cyburbian Dragon's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2003
    Location
    MS, Not Margaritaville, though we are building one
    Posts
    750
    A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: Dig!

    He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I said, dig!

    So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

    The deep voice says: open!

    Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.

    The deep voice says: To the casino!

    Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.

    The deep voice says: Roulette!

    So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.

    The deep voice says: 27!

    He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.




    The ball stays at the 26.

    The deep voice says: S**t!
    “Ahh! Beer. So many choices. And it makes so little difference."
    - Bender

  25. #300
    Cyburbian SlaveToTheGrind's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Wherever I May Roam
    Posts
    1,188
    Quote Originally posted by biscuit
    The latest proposal to drive the Taliban and Al Qaeda out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in the ASF (Alabama Special Forces.)

    Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, Cooter and Junior are being sent in with the following information about the Taliban:

    1. There is no limit.
    2. The season opened last weekend.
    3. They taste just like chicken.
    4. They hate beer, pickup trucks, country music, and Jesus.
    5. They don't like barbecue.

    And most importantly...

    6. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.
    You forgot 7. - Should be over in about a week.


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