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Thread: The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

  1. #301
    NIMBY asshatterer Plus Richmond Jake's avatar
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    Aug 2001
    Location
    Jukin' City
    Posts
    16,382

    The good, the bad & the ugly

    1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
    Bad: It's triplets.
    Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

    2. Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
    Bad: She wants a divorce.
    Ugly: She is a Lawyer.

    3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
    Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
    Ugly: So are you.

    4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
    Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
    Ugly: You're in them.

    5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
    Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
    Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

    6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
    Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
    Ugly: He looks better than you.

    7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
    Bad: She keeps interrupting.
    Ugly: With corrections.

    8. Good: The postman's early.
    Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun.
    Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

    9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
    Bad: It's another man.
    Ugly: He's your best friend.

    10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
    Bad: As a hooker.
    Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
    Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

    (thanks boss)
    RJ is the KING of . The One

  2. #302
    Cyburbian Rem's avatar
    Registered
    Jun 2003
    Location
    NSW, Australia
    Posts
    1,530
    Top 9 comments made by NBC at the Olympics
    Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
    >
    1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
    2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
    3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
    4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.
    5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
    6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
    7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
    8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
    9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

  3. #303
    Cyburbian Emeritus Bear Up North's avatar
    Registered
    May 2003
    Location
    Northwestern Ohio
    Posts
    9,327

    The Atheist And The Bear

    George, an athiest, was walking through the beautiful northern Michigan woods. Suddenly, he noticed a big bear running toward him. George took off running, trying to out-run the quickly-moving bear.

    But the bear caught him and threw him to the ground. The bear stood up on his back legs, growled and was getting ready to pounce on George.

    George cried out, "God, help me!"

    The sky opened up and a loud voice boomed from the heavens, "You have denied my existence all these years and now you want my help? Does that mean that you are a Christian?"

    George answered, "I'm not a Christian but could you help me out here and make the bear a Chirstian?"

    The sky flashed and the sounds of thunder echoed through the north woods. The bear stepped back away from George.

    The Bear put his paws together and said, "Lord, bless this food that I'm about to eat....."
    Occupy Cyburbia!

  4. #304
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    Posts
    3,387

    Hurricane preparedness

    [With apologies to Floridians]

    Subject: Hurricane preparedness

    Attention all Floridians:

    We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points.

    (1) There is no need to panic.

    (2) We could all be killed.

    Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're
    new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the
    possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

    STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least
    three days.

    STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.

    STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

    We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

    HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane
    insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

    (1) It is reasonably well-built, and

    (2) It is located in Wisconsin

    Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

    SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all
    the doors, There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

    Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap.

    Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

    Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

    Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

    Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your
    yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

    EVACUATION ROUTE:

    If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your homewhen a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

    HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

    If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

    * 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

    * Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

    * A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

    * A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

    * A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

    * $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

    Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

    Good luck, and remember: Its great living in Paradise.
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  5. #305
    This one is FOR the Floridians:

    A Mainer, Nebraskan, Floridian and New Yorker are road tripping. Suddenly the Mainer starts throwing spuds form the car. The Nebraskan asks him what he's doing. "Well, we have so many of these, I'm sick of 'em!" Satisfied and inspired, the Nebraskan then starts throwing corn husks out the window. The Floridian asks him what he's doing. "Well, Nebraska is full of corn and I'm sick of it, so out it goes!"



















    Then Zoning Goddess throws the New Yorker out the window.
    On pitching to Stan Musial:
    "Once he timed your fastball, your infielders were in jeopardy."
    Warren Spahn

  6. #306
    Forums Administrator & Gallery Moderator NHPlanner's avatar
    Registered
    Apr 1996
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    New Hampshire
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    7,539
    Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a HUGE wall of clocks behind him.

    She asked, "What are the reasons for all those clocks?"

    St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Every person on earth has a Lie-Clock. Everytime you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

    "Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"

    "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she has never told a lie in all her long life."

    "And whose clock is that?" asked Hillary.

    "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Honest Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

    "Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.

    "Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
    "Growth is inevitable and desirable, but destruction of community character is not. The question is not whether your part of the world is going to change. The question is how." -- Edward T. McMahon, The Conservation Fund

  7. #307
          roger's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2004
    Location
    austin, tx
    Posts
    118

    Houston Hurricane Evacuation Plan

    For the Texas Cyburbians:

    Houston Hurricane Evacuation Plan:
    Hispanics use I-10 West to San Antonio
    Cajuns use I-10 East to Lafayette
    Rednecks use 59 North to East Texas
    Longhorns use 290 West to Austin
    Republicans fly Continental to northern destinations
    Democrats use I-45 South to Galveston
    Aggies use the 610 Loop

  8. #308
    Cyburbian Plus Zoning Goddess's avatar
    Registered
    Sep 1999
    Location
    400 miles from Orlando
    Posts
    13,743
    Quote Originally posted by Gedunker
    This one is FOR the Floridians:

    A Mainer, Nebraskan, Floridian and New Yorker are road tripping. Suddenly the Mainer starts throwing spuds form the car. The Nebraskan asks him what he's doing. "Well, we have so many of these, I'm sick of 'em!" Satisfied and inspired, the Nebraskan then starts throwing corn husks out the window. The Floridian asks him what he's doing. "Well, Nebraska is full of corn and I'm sick of it, so out it goes!"





















    Then Zoning Goddess throws the New Yorker out the window.
    hehehehehe....I was still moving back after Frances when this was posted, so I just saw it. Thanks, Gedunker!

  9. #309
    Cyburbian el Guapo's avatar
    Registered
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Samsara
    Posts
    5,075
    Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

    The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day, these were the results: The first worm in alcohol - dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. Third worm in sperm - dead. Fourth worm in soil - alive.

    The Science teacher then asked the class, "What can you learn from this experiment?"

    Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms!"

  10. #310
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Akron
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    Washingtun

    God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him,
    resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God.
    "Where have you been?"
    God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards
    through the clouds,
    "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
    Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said,
    "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God,
    "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a
    great place of balance."
    "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
    God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.
    "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and
    wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a
    continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
    Balance in all things,"
    God continued pointing to different countries.
    "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and
    covered in ice."
    The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and
    said,
    "What's that one?"
    "Ah," said God
    "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are
    beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and
    coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest,
    intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the
    world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and
    they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of
    peace."
    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed,
    "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
    God smiled,
    "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."
    WALSTIB

  11. #311

    Registered
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Solano County, California
    Posts
    6,468

    How to Give a Cat a Pill

    Subject: HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
    1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
    baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
    gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
    opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.


    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Gently force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    8 . Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans; drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and mild soap.

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
    beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing.
    Gently force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with an
    elastic band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
    Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

    13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it if necessary. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

    14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
    room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

    15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the "mutant cat from hell" and call local
    pet shop to see if they have any really small hamsters.

    HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

    1. Wrap pill in bacon.

    2. Toss in the air

  12. #312
    Cyburbian JNL's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Wellington, NZ
    Posts
    2,447
    Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen*that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they*made passionate love. Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said,
    "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Doreen agreed and again they made love.*
    *
    Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey?
    Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
    *
    Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed*and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on
    the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
    ." Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

  13. #313
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    South Milwaukee
    Posts
    8,935
    A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face that a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

    For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

    However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

    Further studies are expected.




    Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk.


    a) Innovative


    b) Preliminary


    c) Proliferation


    d) Cinnamon








    Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk . .


    a) Specificity


    b) British Constitution


    c) Passive-aggressive disorder


    d) Transubstantiate








    Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...


    a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.


    b) Nope, no more drinks for me, I've reached my limit.


    c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.


    d) Please take the shooters back, let's have water.


    e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?


    f) I'm not interested in fighting you.


    g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.


    h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero
    coordination.


    i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.


    j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.


    k) Look, it would be great to have sex, but I hardly know you and we will
    only feel really embarrassed and awkward in the morning.


    l) That guy is looking at my girlfriend but I am sure its just because he
    knows her or something.


    m) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't try
    balancing on it with this short skirt on in case I fell off.


    n) I must get to my bed as I could never have a really good sleep in that
    hedge.
    Last edited by NHPlanner; 08 Aug 2005 at 10:41 AM.

  14. #314
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2003
    Location
    San Diego, CA
    Posts
    7,061

    Oh I shouldn't but will anyway.

    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

  15. #315
    NIMBY asshatterer Plus Richmond Jake's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    Jukin' City
    Posts
    16,382
    There was this guy who was sick, so he went to the doctor. The doctor ran some tests and sent him home with a prescription.

    The next day the doctor called and the wife answered. "I'm going to need to run a few more tests", the doctor said. "I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample".

    After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"

    "Your doctor says he needs a pair of your underwear".
    RJ is the KING of . The One

  16. #316
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2003
    Location
    San Diego, CA
    Posts
    7,061

    Raising Caine...er, I mean, Boys

    My sister, who nicknamed my two sons "The Wrecking Crew" when they were little, sent me this today:

    RAISING BOYS

    a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

    b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

    c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

    d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

    e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

    The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...!
    Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

    1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

    2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

    3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

    4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42
    pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however,
    if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

    5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan
    as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can
    hit a baseball a long way.

    6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

    7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

    8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

    9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says
    they can only do it in the movies.

    10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

    11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

    12.) Super glue is forever.

    13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

    14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

    15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

    16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

    17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

    18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

    19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

    20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

    21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

    22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

    23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

    24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

    25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids

  17. #317
    Cyburbian otterpop's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2003
    Location
    In the Second Linel
    Posts
    5,806
    Blog entries
    6
    What is the difference between the Vietnam War and the War in Iraq?

    Bush and Cheney had a plan to get out of Vietnam!
    "I am very good at reading women, but I get into trouble for using the Braille method."

    ~ Otterpop ~

  18. #318
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Akron
    Posts
    2,255

    computers

    Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss.

    If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is

    interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory

    makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has

    an error to report.

    If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the

    double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your

    data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your

    situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

    If the label on the cable on the table at your house,

    says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

    but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,

    that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall

    And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,

    so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;

    then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,

    'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

    When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,

    and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,

    then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,

    and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
    WALSTIB

  19. #319
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    Posts
    3,387

    The Parrot

    The Parrot

    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a badattitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

    John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

    Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

    John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

    John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

    Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

    The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

    John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

    HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  20. #320
    Forums Administrator & Gallery Moderator NHPlanner's avatar
    Registered
    Apr 1996
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Posts
    7,539
    Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day in class today.

    Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks,"Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

    Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

    "Osama Bin Laden," she says

    "Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock

    "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone
    anymore."

    Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new-found pride.

    "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

    "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow his ass away."
    "Growth is inevitable and desirable, but destruction of community character is not. The question is not whether your part of the world is going to change. The question is how." -- Edward T. McMahon, The Conservation Fund

  21. #321
    Cyburbian Rem's avatar
    Registered
    Jun 2003
    Location
    NSW, Australia
    Posts
    1,530
    If your going on leave over christmas you may find some of these auto replies useful !!

    1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

    2. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

    3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all

    4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

    5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 18/4. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

    6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

    7. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
    ( The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

    8. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

    9. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.

    10. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted

    11. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

    12. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages. I've run away to join a different circus.

    AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST:

    13. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Steve' instead of 'Loretta'.

  22. #322
    Cyburbian Glasshouse's avatar
    Registered
    May 2004
    Location
    Illinois
    Posts
    120

    Getting a tooth pulled

    Went to the dentist yesterday.

    He said he's going to have to pull the tooth and came at me with a needle of novacain.

    I said Oh No I can't do needles.

    So he came at me with laughing gas.

    I said Oh No I can't do laughing gas.

    So he handed me a viagra.

    I asked how the hell is this going to cure the pain. he said it wont cure the pain but it will give me something to hang on to while he pulls the tooth.

    Bob

    Moderator note:
    Funny, but merged into an existing thread
    Your pal,
    el Guapo
    Last edited by el Guapo; 15 Dec 2004 at 3:06 PM.

  23. #323
    Cyburbian Plus Zoning Goddess's avatar
    Registered
    Sep 1999
    Location
    400 miles from Orlando
    Posts
    13,743

    27 Things to Do Before the Inauguration

    27 Things to Do Before the Inauguration :
    *
    1. Get that abortion you've always wanted.
    2. Drink a nice clean glass of water.
    3. Cash your social security check.
    4. See a doctor of your own choosing.
    5. Spend quality time with draft-age young people.
    6. Visit Syria, or any other foreign country.
    7. Get that gas mask you've been putting off buying.
    8. Hoard gasoline.
    9. Borrow books from the library before they're banned: constitutional law books, "Catcher in the Rye," "Harry Potter," "Tropic of Cancer," etc.
    10. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix, do it now.
    11. Come out. Then go back in fast.
    12. Cram in all the Alzheimer's stem cell research you can.
    13. Stay out late before the curfews start.
    14. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his "accident".
    15. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.
    16. Use the phrase - "you can't do that; this is America."
    17. Marry someone of another race.
    18.. Take a walk in Yosemite, without being hit by a snowmobile or a base-jumper.
    19. Enroll your child in an accelerated art or music class.
    20. Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations.
    21. Learn French.
    22. Attend a gay commitment ceremony.
    23. Take a factory tour in the US
    24. Take photographs of animals on the endangered species list.
    25. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.
    26. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.
    27. Visit Alaska before "The Big Spill".

  24. #324
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Akron
    Posts
    2,255

    cats

    Smart Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

    Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

    Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

    "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

    Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a GUN on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
    WALSTIB

  25. #325
    Cyburbian el Guapo's avatar
    Registered
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Samsara
    Posts
    5,075
    Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that
    the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed
    a little strange.

    When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a
    spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff
    had spoons in their pockets.

    When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

    "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to
    revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded
    that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop
    frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are
    better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and
    save 15 man-hours per shift."

    As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with
    his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of
    making an extra trip to get it right now."

    I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the
    waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
    string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the
    waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right
    there?"

    "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.
    That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the
    restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it
    out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening
    the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

    "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

    "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

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