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Thread: The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

  1. #326
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose
    Lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.

    They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation, became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.
    Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of these two who would become the next Pope.

    In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!!

    Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

    After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  2. #327
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    God

    John Elway, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Broncos flag in the window.

    "This house is yours for eternity, John," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

    John felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a Black and Gold sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Steeler logo flag, and in every window, a Terrible towel.

    John looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 2 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame.

    "God said "So what's your point John?"

    "Well, why does Ben Roethlisberger get a better house than me?"

    God chuckled, and said "John, that's not Ben's house, it's mine."
    WALSTIB

  3. #328
    Cyburbian zman's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Tom R
    John Elway, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Broncos flag in the window.

    "This house is yours for eternity, John," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

    John felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a Black and Gold sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Steeler logo flag, and in every window, a Terrible towel.

    John looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 2 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame.

    "God said "So what's your point John?"

    "Well, why does Ben Roethlisberger get a better house than me?"

    God chuckled, and said "John, that's not Ben's house, it's mine."
    "OUCH!!!!" said ZmanPLAN with his tail between his legs.....
    You get all squeezed up inside/Like the days were carved in stone/You get all wired up inside/And it's bad to be alone

    You can go out, you can take a ride/And when you get out on your own/You get all smoothed out inside/And it's good to be alone
    -Peart

  4. #329

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    A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them,"
    We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain
    from sex for one whole month." The couple agreed and after
    two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers
    them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very
    depressed.
    "You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We
    are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from
    sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly. The pastor
    asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult....
    However, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second
    week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."
    "However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer,
    reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal
    thoughts...One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and
    dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust
    and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man,
    shamefacedly.
    "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church,"
    stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man, hanging his head
    "We're not welcome at Homebase* either."

    *[Insert name of US DIY chain...]

  5. #330
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago. Because both had jobs, they found it difficult coordinating their travel schedules.

    It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer, so he decided to send his wife an E-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

    In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son ran into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
    To: My Loving Wife
    Subject: I Have Arrived.

    I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mail to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

    P.S. Sure is hot down here

  6. #331
    OH....IO Hink's avatar
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    A mushroom walks into a bar. Sits down at the bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve your kind here," and the Mushroom says," Why not? I'm a fun guy!" Get it?


    Alright fine, but you will be laughing later.
    A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. -Douglas Adams

  7. #332
    Unfrozen Caveman Planner mendelman's avatar
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    A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch.

    The bartender asks the pirate if he knows he has a steering wheel in his crotch.

    The pirate responds, "Arrrrrrr.....verily.....it's driv'n me nuts!!!!"


    Or


    What is a pirate's favorite kind of movie?

    PG13......................(it's better with a pirate voice)
    I'm sorry. Is my bias showing?

    Let's not be didactic in this profession, because that is a path to disillusion and irrelevancy.

    Six seasons and a movie!

  8. #333
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    pirate

    Quote Originally posted by mendelman

    What is a pirate's favorite kind of movie?

    PG13......................(it's better with a pirate voice)
    OK, I'll bite. 'splaine
    WALSTIB

  9. #334
         
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    Only at Wal-Mart!



    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

    It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. It's a lot cheaper than a doctor."

    So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

    He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:


    "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

    Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

    Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction and awaits the results.

    The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
    5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

    Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

  10. #335
    Cyburbian Emeritus Bear Up North's avatar
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    Farmer Bear owns a nice tract of vegies in mid-Florida. About three-hundred (300) yards behind the big red barn is a really nice swimming pond. It is beautifully landscaped, has a nice dock that faces a raft that is in the middle. A nice grove of orange trees are just to the north of the pond.

    On this hot and humid summer day Farmer Bear grabs a big red bucket and walks out toward the pond, intent on picking some of the early fruit. As he approaches the pond he notices three (3) gorgeous women, sunbathing in the nude, on the raft.

    As he approaches they notice Farmer Bear coming down the lane, swinging the big red bucket. They immediately try to cover themselves and all three (3) of the gorgeous women dive into the water.

    "Don't worry, ladies," Farmer Bear calls out. "I don't mind if you skinny dip in my pond."

    The cutest of the gorgeous skinny-dipping women shouts back to Farmer Bear, "You mean we don't have to come out of the pond?"

    Farmer Bear thinks about an answer, for a second or two (2), and replies back, "Don't mind me. I'm just here to feed the alligators."

    Bear
    Occupy Cyburbia!

  11. #336
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    Here kitty kitty.

    Better Health Plan

    A WEALTHY HOSPITAL BENEFACTOR WAS VISITING THE HOSPITAL WHEN, DURING HER TOUR, SHE PASSED A ROOM WHERE A MALE PATIENT WAS MASTURBATING

    "OH MY GOD!" SCREAMED THE WOMAN. "THAT'S DISGRACEFUL! WHY IS HE DOING THAT?"

    THE DOCTOR THAT WAS LEADING THE TOUR EXPLAINED, "I AM VERY SORRY...BUT THIS MAN HAS A SERIOUS CONDITION WHERE THE TESTICLES RAPIDLY FILL WITH SEMEN.

    IF HE DOESN'T DO THAT FIVE TIMES A DAY, THEY'LL EXPLODE AND HE'LL DIE WITHIN MINUTES."

    "OH, WELL IN THAT CASE, I GUESS IT'S OK," COMMENTED THE WOMAN.
    IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM THEY COULD SEE THAT A FEMALE NURSE WAS PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON A DIFFERENT MALE PATIENT.

    AGAIN THE WOMAN SCREAMED "OH MY GOD! HOW CAN THAT BE JUSTIFIED?"

    THE DOCTOR REPLIED..."SAME ILLNESS, BETTER HEALTH PLAN."
    WALSTIB

  12. #337
    Cyburbian clare2582's avatar
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    This one kills me every time....

    So a string walks into a bar, sits down, and orders himself a drink. The bartender tells the string "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here, please leave." So the string goes on back home.

    The next day the string goes back, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender again says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here!!!"

    So the sad little string goes home, and gets a great idea. He ties himself up and unravels his ends. The next day he goes back into the bar. The bartender asks him, "Aren't you that string that's been coming in here?" The string answers, "No, I'm afraid not!" ( A Frayed Knot...)

  13. #338
         
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    I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty
    >and shabby-looking man, who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
    >I pulled out ten dollars and asked, "if I give you this money, will you
    >buy some beer with it instead?"
    >"NO, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
    >"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" I asked.
    >"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need every penny I can get
    >just to stay alive."
    >"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" I
    >asked.
    >"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
    >years!"
    >"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of
    >food?" I asked.
    >"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless
    >man.
    >"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going
    >to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife, Beth.
    >The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
    >doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
    >I replied, That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's
    >given up beer, gambling, golf and sex."





    Subject: Emergency

    A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is
    holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, getting blue in the
    face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts
    panicking, calling for help.

    A well dressed, attractive, and serious young woman in a blue
    business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and
    sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
    puts her coffee cup down, calmly folds her paper and puts it on the
    counter. She gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across
    the book store.

    Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of
    the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first,
    and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently
    and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free
    hand.

    Releasing the boys testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father
    and walks back to her seat without saying a word.

    As soon as he is sure the boy is alright, the father rushes over to
    the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do
    anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?".

    "No", the woman replied, "Divorce Attorney".
    Last edited by NHPlanner; 08 Aug 2005 at 10:38 AM.

  14. #339
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    wine

    For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine:
    Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
    With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
    "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
    Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
    The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
    WALSTIB

  15. #340
    Unfrozen Caveman Planner mendelman's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Tom R
    OK, I'll bite. 'splaine
    Well...If I have to explain the joke....then that kinda kills it....don't ya think?

    Ok.....you think a pirate would say "Rrrrrrrrr", because of their propensity to say "Arrrrrrrrgh", but the twist is that you say "PGggggg13". It's unexpected, therefore a non sequitor, and therefore funny.

    You've watched enough Monty Python, you should understand this.
    Last edited by mendelman; 24 Mar 2005 at 1:43 PM.
    I'm sorry. Is my bias showing?

    Let's not be didactic in this profession, because that is a path to disillusion and irrelevancy.

    Six seasons and a movie!

  16. #341
    Cyburbian PlannerByDay's avatar
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    Baby Kittens

    George Bush is taking a stroll around Capitol Hill with a senior
    member of Congress when he meets a little girl carrying a
    small basket with a blanket over it.
    Curious, he says to the girl; "What's in the basket?".
    She replies; "New baby kittens" and opens the basket to show him.
    " How nice" said Bush. " What kind are they?".
    The little girl says, "Republicans".
    Bush smiles and pats the little girl on the head
    and they continue on.

    About three weeks later, he and another
    Congressional colleague are again
    strolling around Capitol Hill when he sees the
    little girl again with the same basket.
    Bush says to his colleague; "Watch this, it's very
    cute" and they approach the little girl. Bush asks the
    girl how the kittens are and she says fine.
    He then says, "What kind of kittens are they?" and
    she replies, "Democrats."
    Somewhat abashed, Bush says, "Three weeks ago
    you said they were Republicans!"
    "I know," she says." But now their eyes are open".

  17. #342
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    Abbott & Costello on computers

    You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello (comedians), and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

    If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

    COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

    ABBOTT: Your computer?

    COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

    ABBOTT: What about Windows?

    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

    COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

    ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

    ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

    COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

    ABBOTT: I just did.

    COSTELLO: You just did what?

    ABBOTT: Recommend something.

    COSTELLO: You recommended something?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: For my office?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

    ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

    COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

    ABBOTT: Word.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOTT: Word in Office.

    COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

    COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

    ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

    COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

    ABBOTT: Real One.

    COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them ?

    ABBOTT: Of course.

    COSTELLO: Great! With what?

    ABBOTT: Real One.

    COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

    ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

    COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

    ABBOTT: The blue "1".

    COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

    ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

    ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

    COSTELLO: It is?

    ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other words out there.

    COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

    ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

    COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

    ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

    COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with computer? How much?

    ABBOTT: One copy.

    COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

    (A few days later)

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

    ABBOTT: Click on "START"...
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  18. #343
    Cyburbian Plus
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    Good rendition of their classic, thank-you SGB
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  19. #344
    Cyburbian zman's avatar
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    Stress Test

    Just in case you've had a rough day, here is an
    8-Step stress management
    technique recommended in the latest psychological
    texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

    1. Picture yourself near a stream.

    2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

    3. No one but you knows your secret place.

    4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place
    called "the world."

    5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills
    the air with a cascade of serenity.

    6. The water is crystal clear.

    7. You can easily make out the face of the person
    you're holding underwater.

    8. See! You're smiling already
    You get all squeezed up inside/Like the days were carved in stone/You get all wired up inside/And it's bad to be alone

    You can go out, you can take a ride/And when you get out on your own/You get all smoothed out inside/And it's good to be alone
    -Peart

  20. #345
         
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    A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her

    5 year old son playing with his new electric train in
    the living room. She heard the train stop and her son
    saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get
    the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all
    of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your
    asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks."

    The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We
    don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I
    want you to go to your room and you are to stay there
    for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play
    with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

    Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and
    resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped
    and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers,
    please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
    ! We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
    We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard
    her little darling continue... "For those of you just boarding,
    remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you
    will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

    As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those
    of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay,
    please see the bitch in the kitchen...."


    And one more
    Here's your joke of the Day:

    A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
    appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password...Something he will use to log on.

    The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So when computer asked him
    to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in


    P...


    E...

    N...

    I...


    S.


    His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

    ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

  21. #346
    Cyburbian zman's avatar
    Registered
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    9,005
    Blog entries
    2
    <Cleveland> Oh Jax, you're what the Spanish call "El Terible" <Cleveland>
    You get all squeezed up inside/Like the days were carved in stone/You get all wired up inside/And it's bad to be alone

    You can go out, you can take a ride/And when you get out on your own/You get all smoothed out inside/And it's good to be alone
    -Peart

  22. #347
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Akron
    Posts
    2,255

    old farts

    A little old lady is sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
    He replies, "I used to live here years ago."
    "So, where were you all these years?"
    "In prison," he says.
    "For what did they put you in prison?"
    He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife."
    "Oh," says the woman. "So you're single..."

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
    Four old men were out golfing. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,"
    one complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
    "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
    After hearing enough from his buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them
    at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the gr ass!"

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
    There were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
    One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
    After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."
    The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewe d the lovely evening past.
    As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
    He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    Three old guys are out walking.
    First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
    Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
    Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
    "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
    "Twelve thirty."

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
    A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
    A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
    Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
    The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" " No," he replied, "arthritis."
    WALSTIB

  23. #348
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    Posts
    3,387

    whoops!

    A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

    The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!"

    Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

    "No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  24. #349
         
    Registered
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Keith County, Nebraska
    Posts
    150
    Duck walks into a bar, asked the Bartender if he had any duck food. Bartender say no, that this was a bar, they had beer, wine, and booze, and some snacks. Duck walks out.

    Next day, Duck walks into the bar again, asked the Bartender if he had any duck foot, the Bartender getting upset, say No. I told you yesterday the we have beer, wine, and booze, and some snacks. Now get out of here. Duck walks out.

    Next day, Duck walks into the bar, again asks the Bartender if he had any Duck food. Bartender at the end of his rope, says NO, I told you yesterday that we have beer, wine, and booze, and some snacks. Now if you ask me again, I'm going to take a hammer and nails and nail you little webbed feet to the floor and beat the **** out of you. Duck walks out.

    Next day, Duck walks into the bar, asks the Bartender if he had a hammer, Bartender (perplexed) says no, Duck asked the Bartender if he had any nails, Bartender (even more perplexed) says no. Duck says GOOD, GOT ANY DUCK FOOD?

  25. #350
    Cyburbian Boru's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2004
    Location
    At the dining table
    Posts
    235
    Why are pirates called pirates?

    They just Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggh.

    Sorry. I realised this has already been done. Thank god for the edit button. I'm mortified at my hastiness.

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