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Thread: The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

  1. #351
    Cyburbian Plus
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    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and

    The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
    The birch says he cannot tell.

    Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

    The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

    The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
    He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is,
    however, the best piece of ash I ever put my __________ (another word for beak) in!"

    Be on the lookout!

    We recently received credible intelligence that there have been seven terrorists working in your office. Six of the seven have been apprehended.
    Bin Sleepin,
    Bin Loafin,
    Bin Goofin,
    Bin Lunchin,
    Bin Drinkin and
    Bin Butt-Kissin have all been taken into custody.

    At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh cell member,
    Bin Workin, has been found.

    We are confident that anyone who looks like he's BinWorkin will be very easy to spot.

    You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time.
    So keep on doing what you Bin Doin!
    Last edited by NHPlanner; 08 Aug 2005 at 10:37 AM.

  2. #352
         
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    >A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
    >animated conversation.
    >
    >The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
    >is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
    >
    >"Emma comefirst. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
    >once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
    >twice. Then I come one lasta time."
    >
    >"You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine,"
    >retorted the lady indignantly.
    >
    >"In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our
    sex
    >lives."
    >
    >"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who'sa talkin' abouta sex?
    >I'm just a tellin' my frienda howa to spell Mississippi'."

  3. #353
    Cyburbian Richmond Jake's avatar
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    Itís almost impossible to solve a homicide in the South because there are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.
    Annoyingly insensitive

  4. #354
    Cirrus's avatar
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    An open letter to the Kansas school board

    OPEN LETTER TO KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD

    I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

    Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

    It is for this reason that Iím writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. Iím sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

    Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people donít understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

    Iím sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we donít.

    You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

    See graph

    In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.

    Sincerely Yours,

    Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen.

    P.S. I have included an artistic drawing of Him creating a mountain, trees, and a midget. Remember, we are all His creatures.

    See artistic drawing of Him creating a mountain, trees, and a midget.

  5. #355
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
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    That is hilarious! What a great site.
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, ďWhere are you from?Ē doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

  6. #356
    Cyburbian statler's avatar
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    Boston Area
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    Quote Originally posted by Maister
    That is hilarious! What a great site.
    Hilarious?! You mock us Pastafarians?! May you be touched by His Noodly Appendage so that you may see the light. RAmen!
    "So, if a city has a personality, maybe it also has a soul. Maybe it dreams." -Gaiman
    ArchBoston

  7. #357
    Cyburbian Plus
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    We been had a Pirate Thread. arrrghhh.

  8. #358
    Cyburbian zman's avatar
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    Tri-Cities, Washington
    Posts
    9,163
    Blog entries
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    17
    Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of
    Insanity

    1. At Lunch, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses On
    And Point A
    Hairdryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow
    Down.

    2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't
    Disguise Your Voice.

    3. Every Time Someone Asks
    You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries
    With
    That.

    4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And
    Label It "in"!

    5. When Trying On Clothes In A
    Dressing Room, Yell Out "there Is No
    Toilet Paper In
    Here"

    6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks,
    Write "for Sexual Favors"

    7. Finish All Your
    Sentences With "in Accordance With The
    Prophecy"

    8. Dont Use
    Punctuation

    9. As Often As Possible, Skip
    Rather Than Walk.

    10. Specify That Your
    Drive-thru Order Is "to Go"

    11. Sing Along At
    The Opera

    12. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask
    Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

    13. Put Mosquito
    Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds
    All
    Day.

    14. When The Money Comes Out The Atm,
    Scream "i Won I Won!"

    15. When Leaving The Zoo,
    Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling
    "run For
    Your Lives They're Loose!"

    16. Tell Your
    Children Over Dinner, "due To The Economy, We Are Going
    To
    Let One Of You Go."
    You get all squeezed up inside/Like the days were carved in stone/You get all wired up inside/And it's bad to be alone

    You can go out, you can take a ride/And when you get out on your own/You get all smoothed out inside/And it's good to be alone
    -Peart

  9. #359
    Cyburbian Richmond Jake's avatar
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    Red necks

    Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

    "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

    The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announce, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

    Junior shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde. We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

  10. #360
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
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    Getting Old With the Best of Them

    Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking: "surely I can't look that old?".....

    I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

    Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then??

    Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding,
    gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my
    classmate. Humm... Or could he?

    After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

    "Yes. Yes, I did .... I'm a Mustang!!" He gleamed with pride.

    "When did you graduate?" I asked.

    He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?"

    "You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

    He looked at me closely.

    Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked,

    "What did you teach?"
    All these years the people said heís actiní like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  11. #361
    Cyburbian Zoning Goddess's avatar
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    400 miles from Orlando
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    A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
    masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
    Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in
    because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy
    daughters and a healthy son.

    All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
    tears.

    "What's wrong?" asked the mother.

    "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
    The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years
    ago.

    About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
    "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

    Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16
    years ago.

    A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
    "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened.
    You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

    "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

  12. #362
    Forums Administrator & Gallery Moderator NHPlanner's avatar
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    Apr 1996
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    New Hampshire
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    7,848
    Just got this one, found it quite amusing....


    SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

    Dear Mr. DeVries:

    It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

    Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

    A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

    The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.

    Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

    Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

    Sincerely,

    David L. Price, District Representative
    Land and Water Management Division

    ** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **
    Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

    Dear Mr. Price,

    Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

    While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

    I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

    As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

    My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

    I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

    If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

    In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

    So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way
    for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

    In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

    Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

    THANK YOU.

    RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
    "Growth is inevitable and desirable, but destruction of community character is not. The question is not whether your part of the world is going to change. The question is how." -- Edward T. McMahon, The Conservation Fund

  13. #363
    Cyburbian Zoning Goddess's avatar
    Registered
    Sep 1999
    Location
    400 miles from Orlando
    Posts
    13,856

    War News

    Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily
    briefing.

    He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian
    soldiers were killed."

    "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

    His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,
    nervously watching as the President sits, head in
    hands.

    Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is
    a brazillion?"

  14. #364
    Cyburbian zman's avatar
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    Apr 2004
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    Tri-Cities, Washington
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    Blog entries
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    While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.


    They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.


    Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.


    Bubba won 6th priz e- a toilet brush.


    About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"


    Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush? "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper."
    You get all squeezed up inside/Like the days were carved in stone/You get all wired up inside/And it's bad to be alone

    You can go out, you can take a ride/And when you get out on your own/You get all smoothed out inside/And it's good to be alone
    -Peart

  15. #365

    Registered
    May 2003
    Location
    Between Growth & Decay
    Posts
    367

    Refrigerator Redemption

    It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

    The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'

    'No problem,' the man says. 'I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was
    yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

    'Well, I ran out onto the! balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the
    balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
    The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly!'

    The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces, 'OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and lets him in.

    A few seconds later the next guy comes up. 'Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'

    The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a
    little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! 'Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'

    The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. 'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets the man enter.

    A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task. 'OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'

    The man says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator....'

  16. #366
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
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    Feb 2004
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    on my 15 minute break
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    Your Starship Captain Might be a Redneck if....

    - your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
    - he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
    - you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
    - he refers to Klingons as "Critters"
    - he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
    - he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil
    - he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
    - he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
    - he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
    - he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
    - he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
    - he says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"
    - he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
    - he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
    - he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
    - he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
    - he paints the starship John Deere green
    - he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
    - he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
    - his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
    - his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
    - he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
    - his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, ďWhere are you from?Ē doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

  17. #367
    Cyburbian zman's avatar
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    Tri-Cities, Washington
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    New one, 'tis the season...

    A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver
    won't stop staring at her.

    She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask
    you, but I don't want to offend you". She answers, " My son, you cannot
    offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I
    have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure
    that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

    "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

    She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
    to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

    The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

    "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
    The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
    But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

    "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

    "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm
    Jewish."

    The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
    party."
    You get all squeezed up inside/Like the days were carved in stone/You get all wired up inside/And it's bad to be alone

    You can go out, you can take a ride/And when you get out on your own/You get all smoothed out inside/And it's good to be alone
    -Peart

  18. #368
    Cyburbian
    Registered
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Santiago, Chile
    Posts
    4,767
    A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America




    "In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
    and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
    your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
    Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths,
    and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).


    Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
    America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will
    be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
    whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
    Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


    You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
    Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
    at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
    reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will
    learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix
    ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to
    raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up vocabulary).


    Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
    such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
    communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft
    know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
    account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will
    relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.


    July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


    You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
    lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
    therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should
    only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
    without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up
    enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or
    carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
    required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


    All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
    your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
    mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
    start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
    go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
    tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
    British sense of humour.


    The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
    calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.


    You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
    fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
    chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
    fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


    The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
    beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
    beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
    to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
    Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


    Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
    good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
    English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
    Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
    removed with a cheese grater.


    You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
    proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
    time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
    football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
    wearing
    full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).


    Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
    host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside
    of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
    your borders, your error is understandable.


    You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


    An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
    Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
    due (backdated to 1776).


    Thank you for your co-operation.

    I think they forgot to tell you Americans to stop brushing your teeth for a while so they won't feel odd when visiting their colony...

  19. #369
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
    Registered
    Apr 2003
    Location
    Somewhere between the mountains and the ocean.
    Posts
    16,495
    A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . .. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

    The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

    The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"

    The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
    There is no such thing as failure, only learning experiences. However, it is our choice to learn the lesson and change or not.

  20. #370
    Cyburbian PlannerByDay's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2002
    Location
    In the bike lane
    Posts
    1,827
    True bravery is coming home stinking drunk after a very late night out
    with the boys. Being met at the door and assaulted with a broom by your
    wife......and still having the guts to ask: "Are you cleaning, or were
    you flying somewhere?"

  21. #371
    Cyburbian
    Registered
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Section 14-12-7, 3rd PM
    Posts
    2,096
    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."

    The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

    "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

    As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

    The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

    The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

    Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell
    me my duck is dead!!

    The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00.

  22. #372
    Cyburbian RandomPlanner's avatar
    Registered
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Missing up north from the low country
    Posts
    1,075

    Found Purse

    *Found Purse*
    As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat.
    Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my
    bag. When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded
    me.
    One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box
    containing the contents of my purse.
    "We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained.
    "I think you'll find everything there."
    As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man
    continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried,
    none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just
    how you do it."
    How do I know you are who you think you are?

  23. #373
    Forums Administrator & Gallery Moderator NHPlanner's avatar
    Registered
    Apr 1996
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Posts
    7,848
    Forget Rednecks... here's what Jeff Foxworthy has to say on New Englanders:

    If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping it will swim by, you might live in New England.

    If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Mt. Washington is the coldest spot in the nation, and Boston gets more snow than any other major city in the US, you live in New England.

    If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England.

    If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you live in New England.

    If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you live in New England.

    If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.

    If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.

    You know you are a New Englander when:

    "Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend.

    You measure distance in hours.

    You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

    You have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day, and back again.

    You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.

    You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked.

    You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them.

    You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

    Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

    You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.

    Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

    "Down South" to you means Philadelphia.

    Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new shed.

    Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

    You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

    You find 10 degrees "a little chilly."

    You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your New England friends.
    "Growth is inevitable and desirable, but destruction of community character is not. The question is not whether your part of the world is going to change. The question is how." -- Edward T. McMahon, The Conservation Fund

  24. #374
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
    Registered
    Apr 2003
    Location
    Somewhere between the mountains and the ocean.
    Posts
    16,495
    Quote Originally posted by NHPlanner
    Forget Rednecks... here's what Jeff Foxworthy has to say on New Englanders: [snip]
    Most of those are also used for Yoopers. They consider going on vacation any time you go south of the bridge

    Down south refers to Detroit

    Others include, but are not limited to:
    In the winter if they close roads in the woods, but open ice roads on the bay, you might be a Yooper.
    If your November wardrobe has more bright orange than any other colors combined, ...
    If you have ever said, “holly Whah” “Dat Dare” “Yah Eh” or end every other sentence with “Yah Know” ...
    If you have ever shoveled out your house windows, ...
    If school is closed on November 15th because all the students deer hunt,...
    If you spend more on your snowmobile than your car,...
    If you can pull apart a hunting rifle to clean it faster than a marine...
    If the idea if “The City” refers a place that has less than 20,000 people,...
    If you have ever written your name in the snow while relieving your self....
    If you have ever warn a stormy kromer to bed...
    If your hometown’s homecoming queen is in snow boots and a parka as she is being crowned....
    If the school has to shovel the lines on the foot ball field...
    If you have to call long distance to order a pizza...
    If the only cell phone that works is Alltel....
    If your emergency kit includes a wool blankets, socks, boots, a propane torch, and an ax....
    If your dog will not go outside because it is too cold...
    If the bank temp sign has the same temp for F and C are the same....
    If the major roads have digital construction signs to tell you when the roads are closed...
    If it is too cold to salt the roads...
    If you have ever been pulled while driving a car, and the cop was on a snowmobile...
    If you have ever had to wake up 3 hours early to search for your car because it is buried in a snow drift...
    There is no such thing as failure, only learning experiences. However, it is our choice to learn the lesson and change or not.

  25. #375
    Super Moderator luckless pedestrian's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2005
    Location
    in a meeting
    Posts
    9,476
    zman - i loved the sanity one - i get that sent to me every once in a while and everytime i read it, i laugh

    here's mine:

    The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

    1. High fever
    2. Congestion
    3. Nausea
    4. Fatigue
    5. Aching in the joints...and
    6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield!!!

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