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Thread: The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

  1. #26
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    Why I am so tire

    For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of.

    But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.


    Here's why:

    The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired.

    That leaves 133 million to do the work.

    There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

    Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving

    19 million to do the work.

    2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing the Taliban.

    Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

    Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

    At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

    Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

    That leaves just two people to do the work.

    You and me.

    And there you are sitting on your duff, at your computer, reading jokes.

  2. #27
    Cyburbian Jeff's avatar
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    Turn down the volume on your computer....


    http://members.aol.com/matt999h/beer.htm

  3. #28
    Cyburbian Planderella's avatar
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    BEST QUOTE OF THE CENTURY

    "I voted Republican this year. The Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth."
    -- Monica Lewinsky
    "A witty woman is a treasure, a witty beauty is a power!"

  4. #29
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    A Different Dogfight

    Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

    Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.

    After five years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it.

    When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possible last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

    When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund -- but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite !

    There was nothing left of his dog at all. Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

    "Yes," said Bush. "But we had the best plastic surgeons working for five years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

  5. #30
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    yuk

    Subject: Anti-Terrorist Effort



    As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a

    man to see a naked woman, who is not his wife.

    So, this Saturday at 2:00 PMall American women are

    asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed

    out any neighborhood terrorists.

    Circling your block for one hour is recommended for

    this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn

    chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban,

    demonstrating that they think it's okay

    to see nude women other than their wife and to show

    support for all American women.

    And, since the Taliban also does not approve of

    alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your

    anti-Taliban sentiment. America appreciates your efforts to root

    out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist

    activity.
    WALSTIB

  6. #31
    Cyburbian Planderella's avatar
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    The New Holiday for Men

    A New Holiday... For The Men

    Men - Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

    Every Valentine's Day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really love them more than anything.

    Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret. Guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure, seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration.

    Another secret--guys feel left out. That's right, left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.

    March 20th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day." Simple, effective and self-explanatory. This holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man just how much you love him.

    No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town. The name of the holiday explains it all. Just a steak and a blowjob.
    That's it.

    Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.

    The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.
    "A witty woman is a treasure, a witty beauty is a power!"

  7. #32
    Cyburbian nerudite's avatar
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    This is a joke for the Canadians (Tim Horton's is having a roll up the rim game on right now)...

  8. #33
    Cyburbian el Guapo's avatar
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    Top ten list of things to say when caught sleeping at your desk.
    10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
    9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
    8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
    7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
    6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
    5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
    4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
    3. "The coffee machine is broken...."
    2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot...."

    And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your
    desk....








    Raise your head from the desk and say "... in Jesus' name.

  9. #34
    Cyburbian Seabishop's avatar
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    Re: The New Holiday for Men

    Originally posted by Planderella

    March 20th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day." Simple, effective and self-explanatory. This holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man just how much you love him.
    My God, that's tomorrow!

  10. #35
    Cyburbian nerudite's avatar
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    How Men Can Ruin a Romantic Moment...

  11. #36
    Cyburbian Habanero's avatar
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    Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned
    bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind
    from birth.

    One day the bunny was hopping through the forest and the snake was slithering
    through the forest when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This
    of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

    "Oh my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've
    been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I am going. In fact, since I'm
    also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

    "It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as
    yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.
    Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you and work out what you are,
    so at least you'll have that going for you."

    "Oh, that would be wonderful! replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all
    over the bunny and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really
    long ears, your nose twitches and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say you
    must be a bunny rabbit."

    "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny
    then
    suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and
    help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all
    over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked
    tongue, no backbone and no balls. You must be from France."
    When Jesus said "love your enemies", he probably didn't mean kill them.

  12. #37
    Gunfighter Mastiff's avatar
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    Why doesn't Saddam Hussein get hemorrhoids?
    Because he's a perfect asshole.

    How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
    Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

    Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
    So they can see their Air Force.

    Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
    He elected to receive.

    What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
    They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

    How do you play Iraqi bingo?
    B-52...F-16...B-2
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    C'mon and get me you twist of fate
    I'm standing right here Mr. Destiny
    If you want to talk well then I'll relate
    If you don't so what cause you don't scare me

  13. #38
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    Finding Inner Peace

    I am passing this on to you because it is definitely working for me....

    I think I have found inner peace:

    I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to FINISH things I had started. Today I finished a bag of potato chips, a cherry pie, a fifth of Jack Daniel's, a small box of chocolate candy and slapped the hell out of two people I don't like.

    I feel better already.

    Pass this along to others who need inner peace

  14. #39
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    Drum roll please...

    * A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

    * A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

    * Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

    * A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    * A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

    * Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

    * Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

    * Patient says, "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
    Doc replies, "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
    Patient asks, "Is it common?"
    Doc: "It's not unusual."

    * Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
    "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
    "It's true, no bull!"

    * A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

    * Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
    The other says, "Are you sure?"
    The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

    * Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before.

    * A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
    "Well," says the vet, "Let's have a look at him." So, he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
    "Why? Because he's cross-eyed?!" the man asks anxiously.
    "No, because he's really heavy."

    * Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad...or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

    * I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

    * I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

    * My friend drowned in a bowl of mueslix. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

    * I went to a seafood disco rave last week....and pulled a mussel.

    * Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    * What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    * Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

  15. #40
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.

    Here's what happened:

    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. _"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

    I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. _One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.

    I immediately knew what to do. _"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

    Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

    "What?" my son demanded. _"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

    I was equally outraged. _"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

    "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

    "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" _I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

    "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

    "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

    "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

    "OH, Gross!" they shrieked.

    "Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

    We peered at the patient. _After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

    "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

    "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

    "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

    "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. _It disappeared. _I tried several more times with the same results.

    "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. _"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." _(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

    "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

    We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe Ernie, breathe," he urged.

    "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. _"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

    "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. _"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

    "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

    "Oh, yes," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy."

    "What!?"

    The vet continued, "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron."

    We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just...just...Excited?" my wife offered.

    "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

    More silence.

    Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

    "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

    Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

    "That's enough," I warned.

    We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

    "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

    "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

    2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
    1 - Cage - 20 bucks
    Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...

    Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........Priceless!

  16. #41
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    TEMPTATION

    A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

    The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

    The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

    The rabbi pauses, then replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

    The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

    A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

    The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

    The rabbi then asked, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

    The priest paused even longer than the rabbi had, then replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

    The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

  17. #42
    Cyburbian el Guapo's avatar
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    French's Mustard

    The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".

  18. #43
    Cyburbian nerudite's avatar
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    Re: French's Mustard

    Originally posted by El Guapo
    The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".
    Bizarre enough... this was true, right? This world is getting just too weird for me sometimes.

  19. #44
    Corn Burning Fool giff57's avatar
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    Re: Re: French's Mustard

    Originally posted by nerudite


    Bizarre enough... this was true, right? This world is getting just too weird for me sometimes.
    Nope not true

    http://66.165.133.65/index.html

  20. #45
    Cyburbian el Guapo's avatar
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    I never meant for the French's thing to be taken seriously. This is the Never Ending Internet Joke Thread.

  21. #46
    Cyburbian nerudite's avatar
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    Originally posted by El Guapo
    I never meant for the French's thing to be taken seriously. This is the Never Ending Internet Joke Thread.
    LOL! I guess you can't even believe things you read in the Washington Post now.

    I know you meant it as a joke... but because I read the article in the Washington Post, I thought it was true! I know... I'm a total sucker.

  22. #47
    Cyburbian Habanero's avatar
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    One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,

    Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank like a stone to

    the bottom and stayed there.



    Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and

    pulled Jim out.



    When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he

    immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as

    he now considered her to be mentally stable.



    When he went to tell her the news, he said, "Mary, I have good

    news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because

    since you were able to jump in and save the life of another

    patient, I think you've regained your senses". "The bad news is

    that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom

    with the belt of his robe. I am so sorry, but Jim is dead."



    Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
    When Jesus said "love your enemies", he probably didn't mean kill them.

  23. #48
    Cyburbian
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    Portrait of the American Family

  24. #49
    Gunfighter Mastiff's avatar
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    Nevermind...
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    C'mon and get me you twist of fate
    I'm standing right here Mr. Destiny
    If you want to talk well then I'll relate
    If you don't so what cause you don't scare me

  25. #50
    Cyburbian el Guapo's avatar
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    Originally posted by SkeLeton
    Portrait of the American Family
    Skel, Please explain how that is funny.

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