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Thread: The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

  1. #476
    Cyburbian Bubba's avatar
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    One day not so long ago, in the shark-infested waters of the
    Caribbean, two prawns named Justin and Christian were discussing the
    high-pressure stress of being a preyed-upon prawn.
    "I hate being a prawn," said Justin, "I wish I were a shark instead."
    Suddenly a mysterious cod appeared. "Your wish shall be granted," he
    said.
    Instantly, Justin became a shark. Horrified, Christian swam away in
    fear that his former friend might eat him.
    As time passed, Christian continued to avoid Justin, causing the
    shrimp-turned-man-eater to feel lonely and frustrated. So when he
    bumped into the cod again, he begged the mysterious fish to change him
    back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn.
    With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swam back to the reef to
    seek out Christian.
    As he approached him he shouts out, "It's me, Justin, your old friend!
    I've changed! I found cod! I've become a prawn again Christian!"
    I found you a new motto from a sign hanging on their wall…"Drink coffee: do stupid things faster and with more energy"

  2. #477
    Cyburbian Planning Fool's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by dominimami305 View post
    Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

    She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she as used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

    As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
    Ha Ha Ha....I got to admit, I kind of sort a laughed at that one.
    Prediction is difficult, especially about the future. :-o
    - Yogi Berra

  3. #478
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    Aaadd

    Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it develops:

    I decide to water my garden.

    As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

    As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

    I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

    I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

    So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

    But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

    I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

    I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

    As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

    I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

    I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

    I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote someone left it on the kitchen table.

    I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

    I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

    Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

    At the end of the day:

    ----the car isn't washed,

    ----the bills aren't paid,

    ----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

    ----the flowers don't have enough water,

    ----there is still only 1 check in my check book,

    ----I can't find the remote,

    ----I can't find my glasses,

    ----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

    Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

    I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

    Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

    P.S. I just remembered.

    I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY!
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  4. #479
    Cyburbian Plus
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    The Ant and the Grasshopper

    OLD VERSION:
    The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
    The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
    The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
    MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!


    MODERN VERSION:
    The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

    The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

    Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

    CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

    How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

    Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

    Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

    Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

    Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

    Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

    The ant loses the case.

    The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

    The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and
    the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

    MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote.
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  5. #480
    Cyburbian Planning Fool's avatar
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    How to Make a Woman Happy

    It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

    1. a friend

    2. a companion

    3. a lover

    4. a brother

    5. a father

    6. a master

    7. a chef

    8. an electrician

    9. a carpenter

    10. a plumber

    11. a mechanic

    12. a decorator

    13. a stylist

    14. a sexologist

    15. a gynecologist

    16. a psychologist

    17. a pest exterminator

    18. a psychiatrist

    19. a healer

    20. a good listener

    21. an organizer

    22. a good father

    23. very clean

    24. sympathetic

    25. athletic

    26. warm

    27. attentive

    28. gallant

    29. intelligent

    30. funny

    31. creative

    32. tender

    33. strong

    34. understanding

    35. tolerant

    36. prudent

    37. ambitious

    38. capable

    39. courageous

    40. determined

    41. true

    42. dependable

    43. passionate

    44. compassionate

    WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

    45. give her compliments regularly

    46. love shopping

    47. be honest

    48. be very rich

    49. not stress her out

    50. not look at other girls

    AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

    51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

    52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

    53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

    IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

    54. Never to forget:

    * birthdays

    * anniversaries

    * arrangements she makes

    HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

    1. Show up naked

    2. Bring food
    Prediction is difficult, especially about the future. :-o
    - Yogi Berra

  6. #481
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can,
    with love and compassion.

    After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

    Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

    The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

    The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!"

    The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly impressed by the amazing scenes.

    By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

    The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stum b les to the left, then to the right, then staggers right through the front door into the street where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

    The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head!"
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  7. #482
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    There's a Light (Over at the Frankenstein Place)

    Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, were vacationing in europe -- as it happens, in Transylvania. They were driving a rental car along a deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree!

    Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.

    After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

    A minute passes. A small, hunched-back man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

    "I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him."

    Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training."

    With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following close behind. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab.

    Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

    "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."

    Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

    The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

    Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab, tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

    Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

    "Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  8. #483
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    Army

    Your in the Army now............

    Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

    On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
    That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

    On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

    On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
    WALSTIB

  9. #484
    Cyburbian Plus
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    Living Life Backwards

    I want to live my next life backwards:
    You start out dead and get that out of the way.
    Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
    Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
    Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
    You get ready for college: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
    Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
    Then you become a baby,
    and then…
    You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
    You finish off as an orgasm.
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  10. #485
    Cyburbian Plus Whose Yur Planner's avatar
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    Breaking News

    You NOLA planners will appreciate this one....

    PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD
    Crawford, Texas -- A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where the books were kept. Both books were lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one. The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer
    When did I go from Luke Skywalker to Obi-Wan Kenobi?

  11. #486
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    backwards

    Quote Originally posted by JNA View post
    Living Life Backwards

    I want to live my next life backwards:
    You start out dead and get that out of the way.
    Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
    Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
    Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
    You get ready for college: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
    Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
    Then you become a baby,
    and then…
    You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
    You finish off as an orgasm.
    I think that is the work of George Carlin.
    WALSTIB

  12. #487
    Cyburbian Plus
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    Quote Originally posted by Tom R View post
    I think that is the work of George Carlin.
    My Bad
    It was sent to me as an e-mail without any credit/attribution.
    Googled Carlin quotes and there it was on numerous websites.
    I stand corrected.
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  13. #488
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    Gc

    Quote Originally posted by JNA View post
    My Bad

    Googled Carlin quotes and there it was on numerous websites.
    That had to bring up some funny stuff.
    WALSTIB

  14. #489
    Cyburbian zman's avatar
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    After Mr. And Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband
    accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

    Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men -- he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get Out.

    Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most Women -- she loved to browse.

    One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

    Dear Mrs. Fenton,

    Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both
    of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

    3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House wares - get on it right away."

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

    6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

    7. September 15: Set up a tent in the Camping Department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the Bedding Department.

    8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

    9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. November 10: While handling guns in the Hunting Department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

    12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

    13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

    14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

    And last, but not least,

    15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

    Regards,

    Wal Mart
    You get all squeezed up inside/Like the days were carved in stone/You get all wired up inside/And it's bad to be alone

    You can go out, you can take a ride/And when you get out on your own/You get all smoothed out inside/And it's good to be alone
    -Peart

  15. #490
    Cyburbian Plus
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    My Pet Fish

    A redneck (from the town next door) was stopped by a Game Warden recently with two ice chests full of fish.
    He was leaving a cove that's well-known for its fishing.

    The Game Warden asked the man..."Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

    "No, sir," replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses, these here are my pet fish."

    "Pet fish?"

    "Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile.
    Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em back home."

    "That's a bunch of crap! Fish can't do that."

    The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth, Mr.Government Man, I'll show ya. It really works."

    "OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

    The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

    After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

    Well, what?," says the redneck.

    The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

    "Call who back?"

    The FISH," replied the warden.

    "What fish?" replied the redneck.


    Moral of this story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  16. #491
    Cyburbian zman's avatar
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    The BEST EVER personal ad.

    SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I' m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....















































    Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Humane Society.
    You get all squeezed up inside/Like the days were carved in stone/You get all wired up inside/And it's bad to be alone

    You can go out, you can take a ride/And when you get out on your own/You get all smoothed out inside/And it's good to be alone
    -Peart

  17. #492
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
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    Subject: Reputation

    Dear Abby,

    I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.

    My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.

    I have two brothers--one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the rape/murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

    I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part-time "working girl." All things considered, my problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

    Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for President?

    Signed,

    Worried About My Reputation
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  18. #493
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
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    Someplace between yesterday and tomorrow.
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    A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
    we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have
    him out looking for work in six weeks."

    A German doctor says, "That's nothing. We can take a lung out of
    one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in
    four weeks."

    A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that
    we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and
    have
    both of them out looking for work in two weeks."

    The Canadian doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are
    way behind. We took a woman with no brains, sent her to Michigan
    where she became Governor, and now half the state is out looking
    for work."
    Invest in the things today, that provide the returns tomorrow.

  19. #494
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
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    Mathematical Conversions
    1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
    2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
    3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
    4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
    5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
    6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = 1 Knotfurlong
    7. 16.5 feet of silver in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
    8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
    9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
    10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
    11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
    12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
    13. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
    14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
    15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
    16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbird
    17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
    18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
    19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
    20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
    21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
    22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
    23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
    24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
    25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
    26. 4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital= 1 IV League
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  20. #495
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
    Registered
    Feb 2004
    Location
    on my 15 minute break
    Posts
    18,455
    Remember a few years ago how it seemed you heard a Viagra joke almost every day? Seems like they've petered out.
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

  21. #496
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    South Milwaukee
    Posts
    8,935
    How many ADD people does it take to change a light bulb?

    >

    >

    >

    >

    >

    >

    >

    >

    Wanna ride Bikes?

  22. #497
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Slightly Off-Center
    Posts
    8,260
    Quote Originally posted by Maister View post
    Remember a few years ago how it seemed you heard a Viagra joke almost every day? Seems like they've petered out.
    They do seem to be hard to come by these days but I'm sure you're up to the occasion.
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  23. #498
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Slightly Off-Center
    Posts
    8,260
    Giving Everything

    A businessman on his deathbed said to his friend, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

    "And what should I do with them?" Bill asked.

    The businessman replied, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"

    +++++

    Orangutan Reading

    One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"

    "Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
    Last edited by Gedunker; 17 Sep 2007 at 9:13 AM. Reason: sequential replies
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  24. #499
    Gunfighter Mastiff's avatar
    Registered
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Middle of a Dusty Street
    Posts
    6,404

    The Perfect Day!

    PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN

    8:15
    Wake up to hugs and kisses.

    8:30
    Weigh 5lbs. lighter than yesterday

    8:45
    Breakfast in bed, squeezed orange juice and croissants

    9:15
    Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil

    10:00
    Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.

    10:30
    Facial , manicure, shampoo, and comb out.

    12:00
    Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.

    12:45
    Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.

    1:00
    Shopping with friends.

    3:00
    Nap.

    4:00
    A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.

    4:15
    Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.

    5:30
    Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.

    7:30
    Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.

    10:00
    Hot shower. Alone.

    10:30
    Make love.

    11:00
    Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

    11:15
    Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.


    A PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN

    6:00
    Alarm.

    6:15
    BJ.

    6:30
    Massive dump while reading the sports section.

    7:00
    Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and tea.

    7:30
    Limo arrives.

    7:45
    Bloody Mary en route to airport

    8:15
    Private jet to Augusta Georgia.

    9:30
    Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.

    9:45
    Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.

    11:30
    BJ

    11:45
    Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.

    12:15
    BJ

    12:30
    Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.

    2:15
    Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.

    2:20
    BJ

    2:30
    Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.

    3:15
    Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.

    4:15
    BJ

    4:30
    Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs.

    5:00
    Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel.

    7:00
    Watch Sportscenter.

    7:30
    Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon,20oz. New York strip.

    9:00
    Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.

    10:00
    Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.

    11:00
    Massage and Jacuzzi.

    11:45
    Go to bed.

    11:46
    One last BJ.

    11:59
    Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.

    12:00
    Laugh yourself to sleep
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    C'mon and get me you twist of fate
    I'm standing right here Mr. Destiny
    If you want to talk well then I'll relate
    If you don't so what cause you don't scare me

  25. #500
    Cyburbian Plus
    Registered
    Jun 2003
    Location
    De Noc
    Posts
    18,459

    Grass Cutting

    This is a good joke about Americans’ obsession with lawns:

    GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
    St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
    GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
    ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
    GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
    ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
    GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
    ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
    GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
    ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
    GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
    ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Lord.
    GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
    ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
    GOD: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in
    the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
    ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
    GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
    ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
    GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
    ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
    GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
    ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story about....
    GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

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