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Thread: The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

  1. #501
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    Amazingly simple home remedies

    1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

    2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

    3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.

    4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

    5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

    6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

    7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

    8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

    Daily Thought:
    Some people are like slinkys: Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs...
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  2. #502
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    Pleae pray for Bob

    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

    His wife was really angry.

    She told him ' Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!

    The next morning Bob got up early and left for work.

    When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Bob has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  3. #503
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    Are you a Democrat, Republican or Redneck?

    Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following situation and question:

    You're walking down a deserted street with your
    wife and two small children. Suddenly, a terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you.

    You are carrying a Glock 40 cal., and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

    What do you do?
    ______________________________________________________
    Democrat's Answer:

    Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

    Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

    Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

    Could we run away?

    What does my wife think?

    What about the kids?

    Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

    What does the law say about this situation?

    Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

    Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

    Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

    Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
    content just to wound me?

    If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
    family get away while he was stabbing me?

    Should I call 9-1-1?

    Why is this street so deserted?

    We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

    This is all so confusing!

    I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.


    ____________________________________________________
    Republican's Answer:

    BANG!


    ____________________________________________________
    Redneck's Answer:

    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click................. ( sounds of reloading )

    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
    BANG! BANG! Click ................

    Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

    Son: "You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?"

    Wife: "You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!"
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  4. #504
    Cyburbian zman's avatar
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    The Republicans' 2008 Convention Agenda

    6:00 PM ~ Doors open; Barbara Bush and Katherine Harris greet arriving delegates

    6:30 PM ~ Exclusive FOX News interview with President Bush

    7:00 PM ~ The saluting of the colors

    8:00 PM ~ John Ashcroft performs "Let the Eagle Soar"

    8:05 PM ~ Rudy Giuliani signs his divorce papers

    8:10 PM ~ Fred Thompson nods off

    8:15 PM ~ A reading from the Gospel of Huckabee

    8:30 PM ~ Dinner - Kentucky Fried Chicken, Mountain Dew, apple pie, and freedom vanilla ice cream

    9:00 PM ~ Exclusive FOX News interview with President Bush

    9:15 PM ~ Why Americans are the Greatest People in the World - John McCain

    9:45 PM ~ Why Democrats are the Worst People in the World - Newt Gingrich

    10:15 PM ~ Larry Craig goes to the restroom

    10:20 PM ~ Bill O'Reilly reports: Our Enemy of the Hour

    10:30 PM ~ Evolution is a Filthy Liberal Lie - Sam Brownback

    10:50 PM ~ Rush Limbaugh performs his famed celebrity impersonation of Michael J. Fox

    11:15 PM ~ Larry Craig returns from the restroom

    11:20 PM ~ Wedding ceremony for Rudy Giuliani

    11:40 PM ~ 9/11 Widows Hate America - Ann Coulter

    12:00 AM ~ Dan Quayle's bedtime

    12:05 AM ~ Pat Robertson presents...the nomination of Neocon X

    12:25 AM ~ Exclusive FOX News interview with President Bush

    12:30 AM ~ Larry Craig goes to the restroom

    12:35 AM ~ Distribution of prepaid tickets to Saipan (courtesy of Jack Abramoff)

    12:45 AM ~ Dick Cheney shoots a man in the face

    1:00 AM ~ Firefighters called to extricate Dennis Hastert from a doorframe

    1:30 AM ~ Larry Craig returns from the restroom

    1:35 AM ~ My Positions of the Day - Mitt Romney

    1:50 AM ~ The Grave Danger of Gay Marriage - James Inhofe

    2:20 AM ~ The raising of the terror alert level

    2:30 AM ~ The grand finale: carbon tetrachloride fireworks (paid for by Halliburton) are set off over Yosemite National Park

    5:30 AM ~ Fred Thompson wakes up, decides to go for a bite to eat
    You get all squeezed up inside/Like the days were carved in stone/You get all wired up inside/And it's bad to be alone

    You can go out, you can take a ride/And when you get out on your own/You get all smoothed out inside/And it's good to be alone
    -Peart

  5. #505
    Cyburbian zman's avatar
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    The Democrat's 2008 Convention Agenda -

    7:00 PM ~ Opening flag burning

    7:15 PM ~ Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N.

    7:20 PM ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

    7:25 PM ~ Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton

    7:45 PM ~ Ceremonial tree hugging

    7:55 PM ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

    8:00 PM ~ How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore

    8:15 PM ~ Gay Wedding Planning - Barney Frank presiding

    8:35 PM ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

    8:40 PM ~ Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry

    9.00 PM ~ Memorial service for Saddam and his sons - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon

    10:00 PM ~ "Answering Machine Etiquette" - Alec Baldwin

    11:00 PM ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

    11:05 PM ~ Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund -- Barbra Streisand

    11:15 PM ~ Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn

    11:30 PM ~ Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton

    11:45 PM ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

    11:50 PM ~ How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers - Howard Dean

    12:15 am ~ "Truth in Broadcasting Award" - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore

    12:25 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

    12:30 am ~ Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

    12:45 am ~ Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi

    1:05 am ~ Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton

    1:30 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

    1:35 am ~ Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home... (BEWARE: Double MskisLaw....)
    You get all squeezed up inside/Like the days were carved in stone/You get all wired up inside/And it's bad to be alone

    You can go out, you can take a ride/And when you get out on your own/You get all smoothed out inside/And it's good to be alone
    -Peart

  6. #506
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    Bubba's scared

    Bubba went to a psychiatrist.

    ‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’

    ‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’

    ‘How much do you charge?

    ‘Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.’

    ‘I’ll sleep on it,’ said Bubba.

    Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. ‘Why didn’t you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?’ asked the psychiatrist.

    ‘Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’

    ‘Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’

    ‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain’t nobody under there now !!!’
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  7. #507
    Cyburbian cch's avatar
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    Only "clean" joke that comes to mind. And I actually read it in Playboy...

    A boy climbed up on his grandpa's knee and said "Grandpa, what sound does a frog make?" Grandpa happily responded "Ribbit." The boy started to get frustrated and said "No, that is not right. Make a sound like a frog." Again the grandpa said "Ribbit." and the boy's frustration grew. Finally the grandpa asked "What is this all about?" The boy replied "Mom said that when you croak we all get to go to Disney World."

  8. #508
    Cyburbian ICT/316's avatar
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    A bear and a ham sandwich walk into a bar. The bear goes home at closing time.


    I proudly made that joke up when playing "finish this joke, 'A bear walks into bar…'" with my cousins (while drinking of course!) in Cuchara, Colorado. Circa January 2002. We laughed.

    Bill

  9. #509
    Cyburbian Bubba's avatar
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    Two guys walk into a bar.

    You'd think the second one would've seen it coming.




    Quote Originally posted by SGB View post
    Bubba went to a psychiatrist.

    ‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’

    <SNIP>
    That's a highly insensitive joke, imo.
    I found you a new motto from a sign hanging on their wall…"Drink coffee: do stupid things faster and with more energy"

  10. #510
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    Mole family

    A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.

    One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

    The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, "Oh, Yum! I smell honey!"

    Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. This makes him whine, "Geez, all I can smell is...

    MOLASSES!
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  11. #511
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
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    After a long session with Minnie, the psychiatrist called Mickey Mouse in for a consultation. "Mickey, I've examined Minnie utilizing every test that I know and I can't find any indication that she is insane."

    Mickey replied, "I didn't say that she was crazy, I said that she was f***ing Goofy."
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  12. #512
    Cyburbian Planit's avatar
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    Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking: "surely I Can't Look That Old."





    I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My
    First Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His
    Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy
    With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago.

    Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then?

    Upon Seeing Him, How Ever, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.
    This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old
    To Have Been My Classmate.



    After He Examined My Teeth. I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School.

    "yes. Yes, I Did. He Answered... "i'm A Mustang," He Gleamed With Pride.

    "when Did You Graduate?" I Asked.
    He Answered, "in 1959. Why Do You Ask?"

    "you Were In My Class!", I Exclaimed.

    He Looked At Me Closely For 2 Seconds And....then .... That Ugly, Old, Bald,

    Wrinkled, Fat, Gray,decrepit Son-of-a-bitch Asked Me:



    Mhhh ..... "what Did You Teach?"
    "Whatever beer I'm drinking, is better than the one I'm not." DMLW
    "Budweiser sells a product they reflectively insist on calling beer." John Oliver

  13. #513
    Cyburbian Planit's avatar
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    Budgie and the Lawyer

    The Duck & the Lawyer.........

    A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Kansas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

    As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer (named Budgie) drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

    The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

    The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Kansas. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule'."

    The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

    The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

    His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot intothe lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

    His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

    The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

    Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
    "Whatever beer I'm drinking, is better than the one I'm not." DMLW
    "Budweiser sells a product they reflectively insist on calling beer." John Oliver

  14. #514
    Super Moderator luckless pedestrian's avatar
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    'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
    How to live in a world that's politically correct?
    His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
    "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
    And labor conditions at the north pole
    Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

    Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
    Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
    And equal employment had made it quite clear
    That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

    So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
    Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

    The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
    The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
    And people had started to call for the cops
    When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

    Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
    His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

    And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
    Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
    And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
    Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

    So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
    Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
    Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
    Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

    And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
    That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
    Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
    Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

    Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
    Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
    Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
    Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

    Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
    Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

    No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
    Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
    And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
    Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

    For they raised the hackles of those psychological
    Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

    No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
    Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
    Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
    And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

    So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
    He just could not figure out what to do next.

    He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
    But you've got to be careful with that word today.
    His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
    Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

    Something special was needed, a gift that he might
    Give to all without angering the left or the right.
    A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
    Each group of people, every religion;

    Every ethnicity, every hue,
    Everyone, everywhere...even you.
    So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
    "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

  15. #515
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    the origin of a Xmas decorating tradition

    When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.

    This stressed Santa even more.

    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

    More stress.

    Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

    So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

    When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

    In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

    He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

    Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

    The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

    And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  16. #516
    Forums Administrator & Gallery Moderator NHPlanner's avatar
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    Women, as explained by Engineers

    "Growth is inevitable and desirable, but destruction of community character is not. The question is not whether your part of the world is going to change. The question is how." -- Edward T. McMahon, The Conservation Fund

  17. #517
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    Parents

    From Larry the Cable Guy: The other day I accidentally saw my parents having sex. I'll never go back to that web site again!
    WALSTIB

  18. #518
    Cyburbian Plus
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    AIB NHPlanner

    Other interesting Engineer Observations at
    http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~zeigleem..._engineers.htm
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  19. #519
    Super Moderator luckless pedestrian's avatar
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    I hope no one is offended by this joke - as a Catholic I was not - I laughed until I was in tears shaking when I read this:

    Great Religions of the World

    Taoism Shit Happens
    Hare Krishna Shit Happens Rama Rama Ding Ding
    Hinduism This Shit Happened Before
    Zen What Is The Sound Of Shit Happening?
    Buddhism When Shit Happens, Is It Really Shit?
    Confucianism Confuscius Say, "Shit Happens."
    Jehovah's Witnesses Knock Knock, "Shit Happens"
    7th Day Adventist Shit Happens On Saturdays
    Protestantism Shit Won't Happen If I Work Harder.
    Islam If Shit Happens, Take A Hostage
    Catholicism If Shit Happens, I Must Deserve It.
    Unitarian What Is This Shit?
    Mormon Shit Happens Again & Again & Again.
    Judaism Why Does Shit Always Happen To Me?
    Rastafarianism Let's Smoke This Shit
    New Age It's not really shit if you believe it's chocolate
    Televangelism Send money or shit will happen to you
    Pentecostal You're shitting all wrong and will be punished for it
    Wicca Shit happens to be male
    Shirley McLaine For $300 I'll get you in touch with your Inner Shit
    Tantric **** this Shit
    Baptist We'll wash that shit right off of you!
    Atheism There is No Shit
    Agnosticism I Don't Believe this Shit
    Satanism Eat Shit and Die

  20. #520
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    second opinion

    Second Opinion!

    The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
    news is that it will require castration.

    You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on
    your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
    relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
    He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he
    was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was
    missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he
    realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning

    and live a new life.
    He saw a men's clothing store and thought, '

    That's what I need... A new suit.'
    He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
    The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,
    'Let's see... size 44 long.'
    Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
    'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
    Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,

    How about a new shirt?'
    Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
    The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
    Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?'
    'Been in the business 60 years.'
    Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
    'How about some new underwear?'
    Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure. '
    The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
    Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
    old.'
    The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
    press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
    hell of a headache.'

    New suit - $400


    New shirt - $36


    New underwear - $6


    Second Opinion - PRICELESS
    --
    WALSTIB

  21. #521
    Cyburbian otterpop's avatar
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    For the last few days Chuck Norris jokes have been told around the office. Two of my favorites so far are:

    1) Chuck Norris has only been outsmarted by one man - Stephen Hawking. He got what he deserved.

    2) Before the bogeyman goes to sleep, he checks the closet for Chuck Norris.
    "I am very good at reading women, but I get into trouble for using the Braille method."

    ~ Otterpop ~

  22. #522
    Forums Administrator & Gallery Moderator NHPlanner's avatar
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    Now we know why engineers require those roadside swales.....

    Texas Swale Surfing
    "Growth is inevitable and desirable, but destruction of community character is not. The question is not whether your part of the world is going to change. The question is how." -- Edward T. McMahon, The Conservation Fund

  23. #523
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    Posts
    3,387
    Quote Originally posted by NHPlanner View post
    Now we know why engineers require those roadside swales.....
    Off-topic:
    That's no swale. That's an aquatic public recreational facility!
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  24. #524
    Cyburbian Plus
    Registered
    Jun 2003
    Location
    De Noc
    Posts
    17,643
    This Should End All 3 Bears Stories......


    Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table,
    He looks into his small bowl. It's empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

    Papa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks
    Into his big bowl, and it's also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" He roars.

    Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
    And yells, "How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

    It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house,
    it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma
    Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and,

    now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time :


    "I HAVEN'T MADE THE F@*{!#% PORRIDGE YET !!
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  25. #525
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
    Registered
    Feb 2004
    Location
    on my 15 minute break
    Posts
    17,739
    The Duck & the Lawyer.........

    A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Kansas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

    As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

    The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

    The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Kansas. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule'."

    The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

    The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

    His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot intothe lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

    His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

    The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

    Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

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