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Thread: The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

  1. #551
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    Hypnotist at the Senior Center

    Hypnotist at the Senior Center

    It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

    The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

    He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...'

    The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

    'SHIT' said the Hypnotist.

    It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
    WALSTIB

  2. #552
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    Estate Planning

    Subject: Estate Planning
    Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her,"but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
    WALSTIB

  3. #553
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    Same Jokes - different people

    Quote Originally posted by Bear Up North View post
    No joke here, just a comment.....

    Ever notice that you hear the same jokes just with different types of people or different schools? Just insert into the joke the group you want to pick on.

    In Toledo, Polish jokes were always big. My brother lived in South Dakota for years and said that Swedish and Norwegian jokes were the rage.

    Interesting.

    Bear
    Yes, I've noticed the same thing. Having lived in and/or visited many parts of the world, I made a list of who tells (dumb) jokes on whom?
    Apart from Americans of "Polacks", I found:
    -Australians on the Irish
    -Brits on the Irish
    -Swedes and Norwegians on each other
    -Dutch on Frieslanders
    -Swiss on Appenzellers
    -Brazilians on Portuguese
    -Argentinos on Gallegos (ie those of Galicia, Spain)
    -in Belgium, the Flemings and the Waloons on each other
    -in Canada (central provinces), on Ukrainians
    -in Canada (British Columbia), on Punjabis (some anyway)
    -Canadians on Newfies

    Any others?

  4. #554
    Cyburbian Seabishop's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Ptilinopus View post
    Any others?
    The entire US on poor West Virginia.

  5. #555
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    Titles and Authors

    Book titles with authors to match: I like trying to invent new ones. Several of these are my own - others are rehashes of old ones...

    *A Pain in the Neck, by Arthur Rytiss
    *Archery for Morons, by D. James Trait
    *Birdwatching for Beginners, by Jesse de Parot
    *Bright Ideas, by Ivan Ocean
    *Burglary for Beginners, by Robina Howse
    *Canoeing for Experts, by Hezekiah Kerr
    *Cheap Floor Coverings, by Lynn O'Liam
    *Clever Conmen, by Wanda Byer Bridge
    *Confessions of a Murderer, by Howie Kilder
    *Crushing Defeats, by Dunn Leicadinner
    *Daring Proposals, by Hugh Gottanerve
    *Doubting Thomases, by C. N. Izbileaven
    *Embezzled Fortunes, by Wes daMoola
    *Engagement Deferred, by Alaska Laytor
    *Fishing World Records, by G. Whattalyre
    *Get Paid What You’re Worth! by June E. daRaiz
    *Kidnapping Mysteries, by Wendy D. Grabber
    *Lying as an Artform, by Wattle Otterbull
    *Oceanic Waste Disposal, by Chuck M. Indices
    *Operation Sting, by Conan Crooks
    *Panic Before Marriage, by Howell I. Getoudovitt
    *Pub Crawling, by Mia Drink
    *Ambition and Failure, by E. Peter Doubt
    *Amnesia on Demand, by Ivor Gett
    *Russian Defectors, by Izzy Nikinov
    *Scouts in Peril, by Paul E. De Schippe
    *Martin Luther King Jr, by Ahab A. Dream
    *Witness to a Murder, by Esau Tequila
    *Ugly Faces, by U. Pulldem
    *Wasted Opportunities, by Ida Dunnbetter
    *The Box Office Smasher, by F. X. Twodyffor

  6. #556
    Cyburbian dandy_warhol's avatar
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    "The Cliff" by Eileen Dover
    In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. -Martin Luther King Jr.

  7. #557
    Quote Originally posted by Seabishop View post
    The entire US on poor West Virginia.
    And Kentucky
    When did I go from Luke Skywalker to Obi-Wan Kenobi?

  8. #558
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    What does WC stand for!

    In the days when you couldn't count on houses to have indoor plumbing, an Irish couple were planning marriage. They looked at several small houses that seemed within their budget, and were shown around by a kindly elderly estate agent. Having settled on a pleasant-seeming cottage, they returned home to plan the wedding. It was at that point that they realized they had not noticed a bathroom in the cottage, and had not checked if there was one outside either. So they wrote to the estate agent inquiring as to where the W.C. might be.

    The estate agent was not familiar with the term WC. He pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wesleyan Church" near the house . . . a bathroom never entered his mind. So he wrote the following reply:

    Dear Sir and Madam,

    I take great pleasure in informing you that there is a WC 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays.

    As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

    You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time!

    I would recommend that you plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.

    The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed.

    It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC, and it was also there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people on every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces.


    My wife and I are getting old now, and cannot go as often as we would wish. It has been almost a year since we went last, and you can’t imagine how much it pains us not to be able to go regularly.

    With deepest regards,

    The Estate Agent

  9. #559
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    Quote Originally posted by Planderella View post
    Think You Know Everything?...

    No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

    ......NOW you know everything!
    I used to believe this one too - until I found the word "hirple" - which DOES rhyme with purple. It is an English word of Scottish origin meaning to walk lamely, or hobble.

    See www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hirple:
    "hirple = to walk with a limp. Pronounced to rhyme with 'purple' thereby denouncing the myth that nothing rhymes with purple"

    Another rhyme is "curple" - apparently in the Oxford English Dictionary, and something to do with a horse - one definition seems to be the hindquarters or rump of a horse - another seems to be a strap under the girth of a horse's saddle.

    Silver has a rhyme too - it is chilver. Oxford English Dictionary (2nd Ed 1989) defines it as a female lamb.
    Last edited by Ptilinopus; 03 Jul 2008 at 7:33 PM. Reason: Added item.

  10. #560

    Diet

    Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a** and a car hit us both.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! The lady behind him was crying as she laughed.WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore
    Last edited by Whose Yur Planner; 09 Jul 2008 at 9:32 AM. Reason: Parargraphs are a good thing.
    When did I go from Luke Skywalker to Obi-Wan Kenobi?

  11. #561
    Cyburbian Plus JNA's avatar
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    Subject: Old Virus out- be carefull
    I thought you would want to know about this age old e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
    It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1969, so some of you reading this are safe - for now.

    Symptoms:
    1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
    2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail!
    3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
    4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
    5 Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
    6. Causes you to hit 'SEND' before you've finished.
    7. Causes you to hit 'DELETE' instead of 'SEND' !
    8. Causes you to hit 'SEND' when you should 'DELETE.'

    Oh No!
    It is called the 'C-nile Virus.'

    Now keep in mind that I don't know about any of this myself but a lot of my friends have it.
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  12. #562
    Cyburbian Richmond Jake's avatar
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    A man is checking out nursing homes for his dad, and the director takes him on a tour. As they go down one hall, a man runs thru the hall going "Beep beep, going to Chicago, going to Chicago, beep beep,..." over and over, for maybe 5 minutes. The director says Charlie, what are you doing? Beep beep, going to Chicago. The man finally says to the director "I would like to see a patient room". The director says heck, we'll look at Charlie's room. They walk in and Charlie's roommate is playing with himself. The director says "Good god, Pete, what are you doing?" Pete says "I'm banging Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

  13. #563
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified handshake from the Queen. They ride in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they board a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six magnificent white horses. They ride towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons. All is going well.

    Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart. The smell was excruciating. Both of them had to use handkerchiefs over their noses.

    The Queen turns to President Bush, 'Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.'

    George Bush, always trying to be 'Presidential,' replies: 'Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. If you had not mentioned it, I would have thought it was one of the horses.'

  14. #564
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
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    HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

    1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
    2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
    3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
    4. Then analyze the situation:

    a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

    b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

    c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in
    Engineering.

    d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in
    Planning.

    e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

    f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

    g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information
    Technology.

    h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

    i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking
    for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

    j. If they have found a way out of the room and already left for the day,
    put them in Marketing.

    k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

    l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been
    moved, congratulate them, and put them in Top Management.

    m. If they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they
    can neither be seen nor heard from but seem to have an impenetrable
    position (or excuse) on everything, put them in Congress.
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  15. #565

    Complaint Department

    A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'



    He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.
    When did I go from Luke Skywalker to Obi-Wan Kenobi?

  16. #566
    Corn Burning Fool giff57's avatar
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    I lie awake waiting for you.

    I lie awake waiting for you.



    As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to
    grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.



    You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what
    happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.



    You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations,
    you lay on my naked body.

    You sensed my indifference, so you applied
    your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you
    nearly drove me crazy while you drained me.



    Finally I went to sleep.



    Today when I woke up, you were gone.

    I searched for you but to no
    avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

    My body
    still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it
    harder to forget you.

    Tonight I will remain awake waiting for
    you.......You freeking mosquito.
    “As soon as public service ceases to be the chief business of the citizens, and they would rather serve with their money than with their persons, the State is not far from its fall”
    Jean-Jacques Rousseau

  17. #567
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    Old Butch

    Homer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens) called 'pullets,' and 10 roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

    This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

    Homer's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

    To Homer's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Homer was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

    The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No-Bell Piece Prize, but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

  18. #568
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    The Husband Store

    A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a part icular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    PLEASE NOTE:

    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

  19. #569
    Cyburbian Veloise's avatar
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    John McCain would like to send Kwame Kilpatrick a thank-you card ...but he doesn't know which courtroom to send it to.

  20. #570
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
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    Railroad tracks

    The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

    Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

    Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

    Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

    Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

    So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

    And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

    So the next time you are handed a Specification/Procedure/Process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?' you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

    When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

    So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  21. #571
    Cyburbian Plus JNA's avatar
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    WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE

    A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
    'Good morning,' said the young man.
    'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

    'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.

    Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said.
    'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
    'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

    The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.’
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  22. #572
    Cyburbian zman's avatar
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    HEAVEN AND HELL

    While walking down the street one day,
    a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.
    His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
    "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter.
    "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.
    We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see,
    so we're not sure what to do with you."
    "No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

    "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.
    What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven.
    Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
    "There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
    "I'm sorry but we have our rules."

    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator,
    and he goes down, down, down into Hell.
    The doors open, and he finds himself in the middle of a beautiful
    green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in
    front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
    with him. Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to
    greet him, and reminisce about the good times they had while
    getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly
    game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

    Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
    has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such
    a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone
    gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
    The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven
    where St.Peter is waiting for him ...

    "Now it's time to visit Heaven."

    So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of
    contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp
    and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it,
    the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.
    "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven.
    Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity."
    He reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never
    have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I
    think I would be better satisfied in Hell."

    So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down,
    down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open,
    and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and
    garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up
    the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot and
    the odor is just horrible.

    Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to
    him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.

    "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before
    yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and club,
    and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great
    time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage, and my
    friends look miserable."

    The Devil looks at the senator, smiles and says, "Yesterday we
    were campaigning ... today you voted for us."
    You get all squeezed up inside/Like the days were carved in stone/You get all wired up inside/And it's bad to be alone

    You can go out, you can take a ride/And when you get out on your own/You get all smoothed out inside/And it's good to be alone
    -Peart

  23. #573
    Cyburbian wahday's avatar
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    JUST PLAIN HELL

    So, a guy dies and, given his abhorrent behavior during his time on earth, is sent to the dark depths below. The Devil greets him and, after orienting him to the situation, an assistant leads him down a hallway that opens onto several rooms.

    "You'll have to make your choice today," he says "one room for all eternity"

    Room number on features damned souls shackled to the wall as hooded thugs whip them and throw acid on the wounds. The newbie shutters and they move on.

    Room number two consists of people pushing around an enormous wheel attached to a pole in the middle of the room and several men stab at them with red hot pokers to make them turn faster. "Ummm, no thanks..." he mutters.

    The third room features a bunch of exhausted looking people sitting around a table in a room filled knee-high in feces. It stinks, but given the alternatives, doesn't look all that bad. "I'll take it" the inductee proclaims and the assistant leaves him there. "Ummm, hi" he says, but he is interrupted by a loud bell. The slave driver drinking coffee in the corner puts down his cup, clears his throat, stands up and proclaims "All right you losers - back on your heads!"
    The purpose of life is a life of purpose

  24. #574
    Cyburbian wahday's avatar
    Registered
    May 2005
    Location
    New Town
    Posts
    3,912
    These are not technically jokes, but they are awfully funny.

    JEWISH HAIKU:

    Lacking fins or tail
    the gefilte fish swims with
    great difficulty.

    Beyond Valium,
    peace is knowing one's child
    is an internist.

    On Passover we
    opened the door for Elijah.
    Now our cat is gone.

    After the warm rain
    the sweet smell of camellias.
    Did you wipe your feet?

    Her lips near my ear,
    Aunt Sadie whispers the name
    of her friend's disease.

    Today I am a man.
    Tomorrow I will return
    to the seventh grade.

    Testing the warm milk
    on her wrist, she sighs softly.
    But her son is forty.

    The sparkling blue sea
    reminds me to wait an hour
    after my sandwich.

    Like a bonsai tree,
    is your terrible posture
    at my dinner table.

    Jews on safari --
    map, compass, elephant gun,
    hard sucking candies.

    The same kimono
    the top geishas are wearing:
    I got it at Loehmann's.

    The shivah visit:
    so sorry about your loss.
    Now back to my problems.

    Mom, please! There is no
    need to put that dinner roll
    in your pocketbook.

    Sorry I'm not home
    to take your call. At the tone
    please state your bad news.

    Is one Nobel Prize
    so much to ask from a child
    after all I've done?

    Today, mild shvitzing.
    Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
    Five-day forecast: feh

    Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
    Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah
    Oy! To be fluent!

    Quietly murmured
    at Saturday Synagogue services,
    Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.

    A lovely nose ring,
    excuse me while I put my
    head in the oven.

    Hard to tell under the lights.
    White Yarmulke or
    male-pattern baldness.

    And since we're in an Eastern mode, here's some
    Jewish Buddhism for you:

    If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

    Be here now.
    Be someplace else later.
    Is that so complicated?

    Drink tea and nourish life;
    with the first sip, joy;
    with the second sip, satisfaction;
    with the third sip, peace;
    with the fourth, a Danish.

    Wherever you go, there you are.
    Your luggage is another story.

    Accept misfortune as a blessing.
    Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without
    problems.
    What would you talk about?

    The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
    single Oy.

    There is no escaping karma.
    In a previous life,
    you never called,
    you never wrote,
    you never visited.
    And whose fault was that?

    Zen is not easy.
    It takes effort to attain nothingness.
    And then what do you have?
    Bupkis.

    The Tao does not speak.
    The Tao does not blame.
    The Tao does not take sides.
    The Tao has no expectations.
    TheTao demands nothing of others.
    The Tao is not Jewish.

    Breathe in.
    Breathe out.
    Breathe in.
    Breathe out.
    Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the
    least of your problems.

    Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
    Let your stillness be as a wooded glen.
    And sit up straight.
    You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded
    shoulders.

    Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
    Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
    Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
    You might want to see a specialist.

    Be aware of your body.
    Be aware of your perceptions.
    Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a
    symptom of a terminal illness.

    The Torah says,
    Love your neighbor as yourself.
    The Buddha says,
    There is no self.
    So, maybe we're off the hook.
    The purpose of life is a life of purpose

  25. #575
    Super Moderator luckless pedestrian's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2005
    Location
    in a meeting
    Posts
    8,841
    let's hijack this thread, btrage!

    light bulb joke anyone?

    Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way
    100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper
    praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt bulb instead.

    Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.

    Q: How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: With what degree of certainty do you need to know?

    Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
    A: It all depends on the size of the grant.
    A: Two and a professor to take credit.
    A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.
    A: I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a
    $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me
    how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this
    incredibly vital question.

    Q: How many Ph.D thesis supervisors (advisors) does it take to change
    a lightbulb?
    A: Only one; but every time they see a lightbulb they have an irresistible
    urge to change it!

    Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore.
    A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

    Q: How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to
    bill the government for the house.

    Q: How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    one to Diablo to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.

    Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical
    A: None. That's what research students are for modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper
    for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.

    Q: How many Austinites/Berkeleyites/Boulderites does it take to
    change a light bulb?
    A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to talk about how much better it was in the Sixties.

    Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
    A: Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say "Oh Wow!"
    discuss
    A: Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and
    the environmental impact.
    A: Eleven. One to change it and ten to follow the trend.
    A: Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share the experience.

    Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
    A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest about the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.

    Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? (I'm Catholic so I can do this)
    A: Two - one to screw it in, and another to repent.
    A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old
    bulb last rites.
    A: They don't. It's been like that for 2000 years and there's no precedent
    for lightbulb changing.

    Q: How many Borg will it take to change a light bulb? 9for my fellow geeks)
    A: None, they just assimilate the bulb.
    A: All of them.

    Q: How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light
    bulb?
    A: Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to
    dissent one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality
    opinion, and the last to concur with the dissenters in part.

    Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a
    light bulb?
    A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's condition is
    improving every day. Any reports of it's lack of incandescence are
    totally unfounded, and the result of delusional "spin" assaults from the
    fanatic, elitist, liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably,
    and anything you say undermines the lighting effect and dims it's ego.
    Why do you hate freedom?

    Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces
    would have already caused it to happen.
    A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
    A: Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb.
    A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
    itself in.

    Q: How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause
    as to why the last one went out.

    Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

    Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
    A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in
    the dark.

    Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
    A: None, they only screw the poor

    Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so
    it'll be architecturally accurate.

    Q: How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Four - one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.

    Moderator note:
    Maister: moved here because these were too good to get locked away in some closed thread
    Last edited by Maister; 15 Sep 2008 at 2:42 PM. Reason: more jokes - avast ye mates! [forgot to space]

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