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Thread: The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

  1. #576
    Cyburbian Veloise's avatar
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    ...psychiatrists?
    One, but the light bulb really has to want to change.


    ...Californians?
    They don't screw in light bulbs, but in hot tubs.

  2. #577
    Super Moderator luckless pedestrian's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by luckless pedestrian View post
    let's hijack this thread, btrage!

    light bulb joke anyone?

    Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way
    100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper
    praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt bulb instead.

    Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.

    Q: How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: With what degree of certainty do you need to know?

    Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
    A: It all depends on the size of the grant.
    A: Two and a professor to take credit.
    A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.
    A: I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a
    $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me
    how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this
    incredibly vital question.

    Q: How many Ph.D thesis supervisors (advisors) does it take to change
    a lightbulb?
    A: Only one; but every time they see a lightbulb they have an irresistible
    urge to change it!

    Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore.
    A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

    Q: How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to
    bill the government for the house.

    Q: How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    one to Diablo to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.

    Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical
    A: None. That's what research students are for modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper
    for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.

    Q: How many Austinites/Berkeleyites/Boulderites does it take to
    change a light bulb?
    A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to talk about how much better it was in the Sixties.

    Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
    A: Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say "Oh Wow!"
    discuss
    A: Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and
    the environmental impact.
    A: Eleven. One to change it and ten to follow the trend.
    A: Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share the experience.

    Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
    A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest about the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.

    Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? (I'm Catholic so I can do this)
    A: Two - one to screw it in, and another to repent.
    A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old
    bulb last rites.
    A: They don't. It's been like that for 2000 years and there's no precedent
    for lightbulb changing.

    Q: How many Borg will it take to change a light bulb? 9for my fellow geeks)
    A: None, they just assimilate the bulb.
    A: All of them.

    Q: How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light
    bulb?
    A: Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to
    dissent one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality
    opinion, and the last to concur with the dissenters in part.

    Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a
    light bulb?
    A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's condition is
    improving every day. Any reports of it's lack of incandescence are
    totally unfounded, and the result of delusional "spin" assaults from the
    fanatic, elitist, liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably,
    and anything you say undermines the lighting effect and dims it's ego.
    Why do you hate freedom?

    Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces
    would have already caused it to happen.
    A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
    A: Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb.
    A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
    itself in.

    Q: How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause
    as to why the last one went out.

    Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

    Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
    A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in
    the dark.

    Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
    A: None, they only screw the poor

    Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so
    it'll be architecturally accurate.

    Q: How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Four - one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.

    Moderator note:
    Maister: moved here because these were too good to get locked away in some closed thread
    thanks Maister

  3. #578
    Cyburbian Plus
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    A Modern Parable

    A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

    On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

    The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

    Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

    Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

    They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

    Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

    They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

    The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

    Humiliated, the America n management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India ..

    Sadly, The End.

    Here's something else to think about:
    Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US , claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

    TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US .. The last quarter's results:

    TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.

    Ford folks are still scratching their heads.

    IF THIS WEREN'T TRUE, IT MIGHT BE FUNNY
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  4. #579
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    Please suspend disbelief -- I'm not trying to get out of work

    A column by Casey Seiler, first published in the Albany Times Union on Friday, September 26, 2008

    My fellow Americans, as this nation faces a grave and immediate threat to the continued health of our financial markets and future prosperity, it is my conviction that we must set aside the partisan rancor that might result from the expression of potentially polarizing opinions. Now is the time, my friends, for unity of purpose and collective action.

    To serve that higher goal, I am announcing that I will suspend this column until this emergency has passed, or at least until it has settled into the sort of ongoing crisis that doesn't wake us up in the middle of the night fearful that our children will be living in a future that resembles a cross between "The Road Warrior" and "Soylent Green."

    Although it is my passionate desire to continue with my column, I am pledging to instead spend my time trying to get a handle on the economic meltdown. I will immediately be turning off my laptop and leaving my office, and heading to the Albany Public Library to peruse its economics section. I'll bet they have one -- but if it's not close to the DVDs or graphic novels, there's a good chance I've missed it.

    Reader, I pledge to you that I will make every effort to find that section.

    In addition I am issuing a call to my fellow columnists to join me in this emergency suspension. It is now paramount that all of us -- Fred LeBrun, Mark McGuire, Carl Strock, John Gray and maybe even the Playboy Advisor and whoever's writing Dear Abby these days -- say "pencils down" or hit control-alt-shift-delete, and join me at the library. Or maybe a nearby bar.

    There are those who will claim that this suspension is nothing more than a "ploy" to avoid writing a column. Some of my opponents will point to previous suspensions of this column, which occurred during earlier meltdowns by Britney Spears and the New York Mets. In July, I suspended the column for a week before the opening of "The Dark Knight" to allow myself and readers to deal with our collective fears that the movie wasn't going to be any good.

    I think we all know how that turned out.

    There will be those who claim that the proper response to a crisis is to put your head down and continue to do your work, and that Wall Street's collapse will not be affected one way or the other by my spending a few hours gnawing on some aspect of this colossal dog pile that deregulation and greed have landed us in. They will claim that my gesture is mere grandstanding.

    These are scurrilous accusations, albeit charges made rhetorically by me. But as much as I would like to respond to them, this would involve writing a column, which I fear the republic might not survive.

    God willing, the worst of this crisis will have passed by Sunday, when my next column is scheduled to appear. Until then, rest assured that I will be concentrating on making it through this crisis by hunkering down with a stack of books, or sharing a beer with the Advice Goddess, or sitting at home watching TV.

    God bless you, and God bless America.


  5. #580
    Cyburbian AnvilPartners's avatar
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    Church

    Returning to work on Monday, Bob is accosted at the water fountain about his black eye. He replies that no, he wasn't involved in a bar fight, but got the black eye in church...

    "I sat down in a pew and just before service began, a nice family sat down in the pew in front of me. The lady was wearing a really silky dress, and when we all stood up to sing, her dress got caught, well, in her crack...About half way through the hymn I just couldn't stand it anymore, and I reached out, and gently tugged it out -- and she turned around and clocked me!"

    Fast forward to the following Monday. Bob is accosted again at the water fountain. The entire side of his face is swollen shut and bruised.

    "Well, it was just like the sunday before -- the family sat down in the pew in front of me and the lady was wearing a silky dress. We all stood up to sing, and her dress got caught in her crack...now I knew not to touch it, but the guy next to me reached out half way through the hymn and tugged it out...Well, I knew from previous experience she wasn't going to like that, so I reached out real quick and tucked it right back in..."

  6. #581
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    LBJ (Light bulb joke)

    Quote Originally posted by luckless pedestrian View post
    thanks Maister
    Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two, but don't ask me how they get in there.
    WALSTIB

  7. #582
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    Deep in the back woods a man's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said,'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

    Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.'Whoa there', said the doctor,'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming.'

    Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

    'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.

    Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.

    The man scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor...'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  8. #583
    Cyburbian The One's avatar
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    Chili Disclaimer

    I recently made the hottest chili in the world....here is the legal disclaimer:

    CHILI DISCLAIMER
    This chili may cause joint pain, nausea, head-ache, or shortness
    of breath. You may also experience muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, and ringing in
    the ears. If you feel faint, call your doctor. Do not consume alcohol while eating this chili; likewise, avoid red meat, shellfish, and vegetables. O.K. foods: flounder.
    Under no circumstances eat yak. Men can expect painful urination while sitting. Projectile vomiting is common in thirty percent of consumers, fifty per cent. If you undergo disorienting nausea accompanied by migraine and raspy breathing while eating, eat more. Leg cramps are to be expected; one knee-buckler per day is normal.
    Bowel movements may become frequent-in fact, every ten minutes. If bowel
    movements become greater than twelve per hour, consult your doctor, or any
    doctor, or just anyone who will speak to you. You may find yourself becoming lost or vague; this would be a good time to write a screenplay. Do not pilot a plane, unless you are among the ten per cent of chili eaters who experience "spontaneous test-pilot knowledge." If your hair begins to smell like burning tires, move away from any buildings or populated areas, and apply tincture of iodine to the head until you no longer hear what could be taken for a "countdown." May cause stigmata in people of Italian heritage. If a fungus starts to grow between your eyebrows, call the Guinness Book of World Records. May induce a tendency to compulsively repeat the phrase "no can do." This chili may cause visions of the Virgin Mary to appear in treetops. If this happens, open a souvenir shop. There may be an overwhelming impulse to shout out during a Catholic Mass, "I'm on fire!" You may feel a powerful sense of impending
    doom; this is because you are about to die. Do not take consume this chili if you are uneasy with lockjaw. Do not be near a ringing telephone that works at 900 MHz or you will be very dead, very fast. We are assuming you have had chicken pox. You also may experience a growing dissatisfaction with life along with a deep sense of melancholy - join the club! Do not be concerned if you arouse a few ticks from a Geiger counter. You might want to get a one-month trial subscription to Extreme Fighting. The nature of the chili will often cause it to become caught in the larynx. To remove, jam a finger down your throat while a friend holds your nose to prevent the chili from lodging in a nasal passage. Then throw yourself stomach first on the back portion of a chair. The expulsion of air should eject the chili out of the mouth, unless it goes into a sinus cavity, or the brain. WARNING: This chili may shorten your intestines by twenty-one feet. Has been known to cause birth defects in the user retroactively. Passing in front of TV may cause the screen to moiré. Women often feel a loss of libido, including a woo-octave lowering of the voice and an increase in ankle hair. Discontinue eating the chili immediately if you feel that your teeth are receiving radio broadcasts. You may experience "lumpy back" syndrome, but we are actively seeking a cure. Bloated fingertips on the heart-side hand are common. When finished with the chili, be sure to allow plenty of "quiet time" in order to retrain the eye to move off stationary objects. Flotation devices at sea will become pointless, as the chili will develop a stone-like body density; therefore, if thrown overboard, contact your doctor.

    (This product may contain one or more of the following: bungee cord, plankton, rubber,
    crack cocaine, pork bladders, aromatic oils, gunpowder, corn husk, glue, bee pollen,
    dung, English muffin, poached eggs, ham, Hollandaise sauce, crushed saxophone reeds.)
    Sensations of levitation are illusory, as is the sensation of having a "phantom" third arm.
    Consumers may experience certain inversions of language. Acceptable: "Hi, are how you?" Unacceptable: "The rain in Sprain slays blainly on the phsssst." Twenty minutes after eating the chili, you will feel an insatiable craving to take another
    serving. AVOID THIS WITH ALL YOUR POWER. It is advisable to have a friend
    handcuff you to a large kitchen appliance, ESPECIALLY ONE THAT WILL NOT
    FIT THROUGH THE DOORWAY TO WHERE THE CHILI IS. You should also
    be out of reach of any weapon-like utensil with which you could threaten friends or family, who should also be briefed to not give you the chili, no matter how much you sweet-talk them.
    Skilled Adoxographer

  9. #584
    Cyburbian Veloise's avatar
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    This IS the punchline!

    The Detroit Lions.

  10. #585
    Cyburbian Veloise's avatar
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    In a few short days, an African American man will move from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers. A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count our blessings - because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible.

    Many believed this day would never come. Most of us hoped and prayed that it would, but few of us actually believed we would live to see it. Racism is an ugly thing in all of its forms and there is little doubt that if this man had moved into this house fifteen years ago, there would have been a great outcry - possibly even rioting in the streets.

    Today, we can all be both grateful and proud that no such mayhem will take place when this man takes up residency in this house.

    This man, moving into this house at this time in our nation's history, is much more than a simple change of address for him - it is proof of a change in our attitude as a nation. It is an amends of sorts - the righting of a great wrong. It is a symbol of our growth, and of our willingness to "judge a man, not by the color of his skin but by the content of his character".

    There can be little doubt now that the vast majority of us truly believe that this man has earned both his place in history and his new address. His time in this house will not be easy - it will be fraught with danger and he will face many challenges. I am sure there will be many times when he asks himself how in the world he ended up here and like all who have gone before him, the experience will age him greatly.

    But I for one, will not waste an ounce of worry for his sake - because in every way a man can, he asked for this. His whole life for the past fifteen years appears to have been inexorably leading this man toward this house. It is highly probable that that in the past, despite all of his actions, racism would have kept this man out of this house. Today, I thank the lord above that I am an American and that I live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly anything is possible.

    Who is this man you ask. You think you know, don't you? See below.











  11. #586
    Cyburbian Veloise's avatar
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    A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

    Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

    She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

    The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

    He never heard the shot.

    Funeral on Thursday at noon. Closed casket.

  12. #587
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    Akron
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    Da Boss

    MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP. SUCH A HAPPY ENDING!?

    A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although
    very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
    party with his old buddies. So he said to his new wife,
    Honey, I'll be right back.'

    'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

    'I'm going to the bar,Pretty Face,' he answered. 'I'm going to have a beer'

    The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.

    The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop.... . But at the bar.You know, they have frozen glasses. '

    He didn't get to finish the sentence because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer - so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.?

    The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back, I promise. OK?'

    'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 4 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, m ushroom caps, and little quiches.

    'But my sweet honey, at the bar you know there's swearing, dirty word s and all that.'

    'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT. SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR FRICKIN' BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR DAMNED HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A BAR.. THAT SHIT'S OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'

    And they lived happily ever after.
    Isn't that a sweet story
    WALSTIB

  13. #588
    Cyburbian Planit's avatar
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    In a 480 square foot ex baseball nacho stand
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    > A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
    >
    > When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others so she decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive so she told her husband, 'No mushrooms. They are too high.' He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.' She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.'
    >
    > He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.' So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, diced them for her smothered steak . Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the Yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear.
    >
    > She said, 'Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.'
    >
    > Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the Doctor and told him what had happened.
    >
    > The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.'
    >
    > Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person in to the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
    >
    > After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think everything will be fine now' and he left.
    >
    > They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, 'You know, that fellow that ran over Ole Spot never even stopped.
    "Whatever beer I'm drinking, is better than the one I'm not." DMLW
    "Budweiser sells a product they reflectively insist on calling beer." John Oliver

  14. #589
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
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    8,258

    Happy New Year 2009

    As I reflect on 2008, I can say we had a great year:

    Blacks are happy; Obama was elected.

    Whites are happy, OJ is in jail.

    Democrats are happy; George Bush is leaving office.

    Republicans are happy: Democrats will finally quit saying George Bush stole the election.

    And all of us are so happy; The election is finally over!

    I think 2009 will be even better: Immediately after his inauguration, Obama will balance the budget, revive the economy, solve the real estate problem, solve the auto industry problem, solve our gas/alternative energy problem, stop the fires and mudslides in California, ban hurricanes and tornadoes, stop identity theft, reverse global warming, find Osama, solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, get rid of corruption in government, pay our mortages and achieve world peace . Then on the 7th day, He will rest.

    My best wishes for 2009

    "The government cannot give to anyone anything that it does not first take from someone else."
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  15. #590
    Cyburbian Plus
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    De Noc
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    17,496
    SENIOR DRESS CODE

    Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to Conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together And should be avoided:

    1. A nose ring and bifocals
    2. Spiked hair and bald spots
    3. A pierced tongue and dentures
    4. Miniskirts and support hose
    5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
    6. Speedo's and cellulite
    7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
    8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
    9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
    10. Bikinis and liver spots
    11. Short shorts and varicose veins
    12 Inline skates and a walker
    And last, but not least
    13. Thongs and Depends
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  16. #591
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
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    3,387

    A Winter Poem

    It's winter here in [insert your town here]
    And the gentle breezes blow,
    Seventy miles an hour,
    At twenty five below.
    Oh, how I love ol' [insert your town here]
    When the snow's up to your butt.
    You take a breath of winter
    And your nose just freezes shut.
    Yes, the weather here is wonderful
    So I guess I'll hang around.
    I could never leave my [insert your town here]
    'Cause I'm frozen to the ground!
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  17. #592
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2006
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    Slightly Off-Center
    Posts
    8,258
    A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment.

    As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.

    But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

    After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. He strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

    "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

    "Oh those . . ." Satan groaned." They're all from Michigan. They're still too cold and wet to burn."
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  18. #593
    Cyburbian Plus
    Registered
    Jun 2003
    Location
    De Noc
    Posts
    17,496
    A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm.

    She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it".

    Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

    Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.

    She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

    The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart; now you can follow me over to K-Mart."
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  19. #594
    Cyburbian Plus
    Registered
    Jun 2003
    Location
    De Noc
    Posts
    17,496
    This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval Ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct 95. Radio Conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

    Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
    Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
    Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
    Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
    Canadians: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.
    Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN.
    THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET,
    WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.
    I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
    Canadians: We are a lighthouse. - your call.....
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  20. #595
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    Posts
    3,387

    Saying goodbye to Mother

    We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

    We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

    The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

    My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So,she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon.

    'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

    A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid biddy was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to takeoff, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat behind downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

    The cab driver hit a parked car.
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  21. #596
    Cyburbian Veloise's avatar
    Registered
    May 2004
    Location
    Grand Rapids, Michigan (Detroit ex-pat since 2004)
    Posts
    4,739
    Tom had been in police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

    After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

    "Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00."

    "Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, thank you."

    As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking."

    "Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

    Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too."

    "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again."

    "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

    "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

    "Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

  22. #597
    Cyburbian Plus
    Registered
    Jun 2003
    Location
    De Noc
    Posts
    17,496
    A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says
    'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'

    The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!'

    Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.'

    After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  23. #598
    Cyburbian Planit's avatar
    Registered
    Mar 2005
    Location
    In a 480 square foot ex baseball nacho stand
    Posts
    6,932

    Cremated Husband

    THE CREMATED HUSBAND... Martha* lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought His ashes home,

    Picking up the urn he was in, she poured him out onto the patio table.
    Then tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

    'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me?
    I bought it with the insurance money!'
    *She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said.

    'Herman, remember that car you promised me?
    Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'

    Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in The ashes she said.
    *'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me?

    Bought it too, with the insurance money!' Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said.

    'Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?' 'Get ready, here it comes....'
    "Whatever beer I'm drinking, is better than the one I'm not." DMLW
    "Budweiser sells a product they reflectively insist on calling beer." John Oliver

  24. #599
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    Posts
    3,387

    He never had a chance

    A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

    The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

    The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

    As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit fitted in the car he had just pulled over, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

    The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

    The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

    The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

    And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

    'Only when he's been drinking.'
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  25. #600
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    Posts
    3,387

    The Pecan Tree

    On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree
    just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a
    bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
    dividing the nuts.

    "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
    Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

    Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed,
    he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down
    to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me.. One
    for you, one for me."

    He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
    Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

    "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard!
    Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

    The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
    When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

    Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
    you, one for me."

    The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's
    see if we can see the Lord."

    Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still
    unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought
    iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a
    glimpse of the Lord.

    At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's
    go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

    They say the old man made it back to town a full five minutes ahead
    of the kid on the bike.
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

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