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Thread: The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

  1. #601
    Cyburbian Plus JNA's avatar
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    GATOR

    A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.
    She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

    After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!'

    The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, 'Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'
    The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

    Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
    As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
    With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature, and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.
    Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

    The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
    As she gets the gator to its desired destination, the blonde struggles mightily but manages to flip the gator onto its back.

    Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, 'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!'
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  2. #602
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    yuks

    WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
    NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.

    I have kleptomania,
    but when it gets bad,
    I take something for it.

    FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
    Except that one where you're naked in church.

    Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

    Kinky is using a feather.
    Perverted is using the whole chicken.

    Heaven is Where:
    The Police are British,
    The Chefs are Italian,
    The Mechanics are German,
    The Lovers are French
    and
    It's all organized by the Swiss.

    Hell is Where:
    The Police are German,
    The Chefs are British,
    The Mechanics are French,
    The Lovers are Swiss
    and
    It's al l organized by the Italians.

    Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

    My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
    Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

    Welcome to Utah
    Set your watch back 20 years.

    In just two days from now,
    tomorrow will be yesterday.

    A bartender is just a pharmacist
    with a limited inventory

    I may be schizophrenic,
    but at least I have each other.

    I am a Nobody.
    Nobody is Perfect.
    Therefore I am Perfect.

    KENTUCKY:
    Five million people,
    Fifteen last names.

    I'm not your type.
    I'm not inflatable.

    Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

    In Memoriam
    With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at
    the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very
    important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
    Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey
    Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic
    part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They
    put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

    I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
    Sometimes I even put it in the food.

    When you work here,
    you can name your own salary.
    I named mine, "Fred".

    money isn't everything,
    but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

    Reality is only an illusion
    that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

    I like cats too.
    Let's exchange recipes.

    Red meat is not bad for you
    Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

    I am having an out-of-money experience.

    As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
    phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
    urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news
    that there's a car going the wrong way on 280
    Interstate. Please be careful!"
    "It's not just one car," said Herman.
    "It's hundreds of them!"

    Don't sweat the petty things.
    Don't pet the sweaty things.

    Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

    I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
    not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

    I FOUND JESUS!
    He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana
    WALSTIB

  3. #603
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    One day, a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered deeply into the hole examining it for fish. Suddenly, a loud voice boomed, "There are no fish down there."

    Surprised, but not discouraged, the fisherman continued on. He walked several yards away, drilled another hole and peered deeply into it. Again, out of nowhere, a voice suddenly boomed, "There's no fish down there."

    A bit nervous now, the fisherman managed to continue. He walked about 50 yards away and drilled yet another hole, peered long and deep into the hole, hoping for some fish. Suddenly, the voice boomed again, this time louder than ever, "There's no fish down there!!!"

    The fisherman, quite frightened at this point, looked up into the sky and asked, "God!? Is that you?"

    "No, you idiot," the voice said. "It's the rink manager."
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  4. #604
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    A [insert geographic preference here] farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

    The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

    The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

    Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

    1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

    2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

    3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

    4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinated.

    5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

    Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  5. #605
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    3 Beer Irishman

    An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub
    and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but
    serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.


    An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
    This happens yet again.
    The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time,
    several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders
    Three Beers.


    Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the
    town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you
    always order three beers?"


    "It is odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and
    one went to America , and the other to Australia. We promised each other
    that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way
    of keeping up the family bond."


    The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon
    the Man Who Orders
    Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet,
    even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.


    Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender
    pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening.
    He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered
    for the soul of one of the brothers.


    The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first
    of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother.
    You know-the two beers and all"


    The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear
    that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have
    decided to give up drinking for Lent."
    WALSTIB

  6. #606
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
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    Pigs

    PIGS..............

    Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

    The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

    The President replies "These are not pigs…these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

    The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says,
    "Excellent trade, sir."
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  7. #607
    Cyburbian Richmond Jake's avatar
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    I guess we all need a few laughs in this time of financial turmoil.

    I was at my bank today; there was a short line...

    Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

    She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'"

    The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

    The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
    Annoyingly insensitive

  8. #608
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

    A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

    Eventually the construction crew, all of the 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

    At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

    The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

    When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

    The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

    "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

    The little girl replied, "I will, if those @ssholes at [insert building supply company of choice here] ever deliver the f---in' sheet rock."

  9. #609
    Cyburbian Plus JNA's avatar
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    The Rabbit and the Blonde

    A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
    He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
    The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
    Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

    A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
    She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
    "I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry."
    She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

    The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
    Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again.
    He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

    The man is astonished.
    He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
    The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
    It says.......

    Are you ready for this ?
    Are you sure ?
    This is bad !
    It's definitely a Blonde Joke !
    You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....
    You can still delete it
    You know you're gonna be sorry

    Last chance





    OK, here it is

    It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  10. #610
    Cyburbian zman's avatar
    Registered
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Colorado
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    Blog entries
    2
    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

    In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6.

    I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

    Thanks,
    Troubled User?..

    ___________________ __________________
    REPLY:
    Dear Troubled User:

    This is a very common problem that men complain about.

    Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

    You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

    Others, in an ill conceived attempt, have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background while Wife 1.0 is running. This almost always results in serious system conflicts, possibly leading to a non-recoverable system crash.

    I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). Should a GPF occur, the best course of action will be to push the Apologize Button then Reset Button as soon as lock-up occurs.

    The system will run smooth as long as you provide needed maintenance time.

    To free up CPU time and improve performance be certain that you have terminated your several search and scan routines.

    Because each copy of Wife 1.0 is a uniquely configured system, no single manual will cover all enabled features.

    New users should first consult with those who have been running Wife 1.0 for many years before installing a copy yourself. You should consider joining one of our established local users group to discuss your specific configuration.

    There are no plans for upgrades; Wife 1.0 was designed to work for a lifetime.

    The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

    Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 ! and Do Bills 4.2 .

    However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

    WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

    Best of luck,

    Tech Support



    _____________________________________________________________________







    INSTALLING A HUSBAND

    Dear Tech Support,

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
    and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance,
    particularly in the flower and jewellery applications,
    which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
    such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5,
    and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

    Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

    Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

    What can I do?

    Signed,
    Desperate.


    DEAR DESPERATE,

    First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

    Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2
    and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

    If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0
    should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

    However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause
    Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

    Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
    Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

    Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0
    (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

    In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 ;program.
    These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
    You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
    We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.


    Good Luck Babe!
    Tech Support
    You get all squeezed up inside/Like the days were carved in stone/You get all wired up inside/And it's bad to be alone

    You can go out, you can take a ride/And when you get out on your own/You get all smoothed out inside/And it's good to be alone
    -Peart

  11. #611
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
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    The Pope & Nancy Pelosi

    The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
    The speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it
    a little more interesting, the speaker says to the Pope, "Did You know
    that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the
    crowd go wild?"
    He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and
    cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering
    subsides.

    The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance,
    considers what he could do. "That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did
    you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person
    in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display
    like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they
    will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
    The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your
    hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

    So the Pope slapped her.
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  12. #612
    Cyburbian otterpop's avatar
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    God was creating the Earth. Everything was going well and on schedule. But then God got to creating Norway and he bogged down making the fjords. So by the time he got to Texas, it was getting too dark to work.

    So God decided to quit for the day. The next morning he found that the land had dried flat as a pancake and hard as concrete. God did not want to have to start all over again.

    Then in his Infinite Wisdom God said, "I know. I will just create a group of people who like it this way."
    "I am very good at reading women, but I get into trouble for using the Braille method."

    ~ Otterpop ~

  13. #613
    Cyburbian Richmond Jake's avatar
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    Cowboy Church Ten Commandments
    1. Just One God
    2. Honor yer Ma & Pa
    3. No tellin' tales or gossipin'
    4. Git yerself to Sunday meetin'
    5. Put nothin' before God
    6. No foolin' around with another fella's gal
    7. No killin'
    8. Watch yer mouth
    9. Don't take what ain't yers
    10. Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
    Annoyingly insensitive

  14. #614
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    Sex

    A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

    After having great sex, she spent the next hour just
    rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

    As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
    "Why do you love doing that?"

    Because, she replied, "I miss mine."

    Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it???
    WALSTIB

  15. #615
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    Farah's last wish

    Farah Fawcett arrives at the Pearly Gates, and is greeted by Saint Peter.

    "Farah, you can have one final wish before you enter your eternal reward," says Saint Peter.

    "Well, I'd really love to protect the children of the world from harm," says Farah.

    Later that same day, Michael Jackson is dead.

  16. #616
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
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    Priest & Rabbi

    A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
    After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a
    requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

    The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
    The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

    To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
    temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.."
    The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

    A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it
    still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
    The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

    The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the
    temptations of the flesh?"
    The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke
    with my faith."

    The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for
    about five minutes.

    Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't
    it?"
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  17. #617
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
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    Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield

    Because he said . .... .

    My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time
    an egg.

    It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she
    won't drink from my glass!

    Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
    negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

    A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went
    over. Nobody was home!

    A hooker once told me she had a headache.

    I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

    If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

    I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you
    going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

    I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you
    put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

    I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

    My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the
    roaches hang themselves.

    I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

    The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?'
    He said , 'Because you came home early.'

    My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

    I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
    Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

    My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

    My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from
    Chicago last night.

    My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had
    anything to play with.
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  18. #618
    Cyburbian Planit's avatar
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    economic indicators for 2009

    12.. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

    11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

    10.. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

    9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

    8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer , Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

    7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

    6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning
    their children's names.

    5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

    4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
    Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your food;
    do you know how many kids are starving in America ?"

    3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

    2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

    And my most favorite indicator of all.

    1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
    "Whatever beer I'm drinking, is better than the one I'm not." DMLW
    "Budweiser sells a product they reflectively insist on calling beer." John Oliver

  19. #619
    Cyburbian Richmond Jake's avatar
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    How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages

    English: I Love You
    Spanish: te amo
    French: Je T'aime
    German: lch Liebe Dich
    Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu
    Thai: Phom rak khun
    Italian: Ti amo
    Chinese: Wo Ai Ni
    Swedish: Jag Alskar

    Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Kentucky, and parts of Florida....: Nice Ass, Get in the truck
    Annoyingly insensitive

  20. #620
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Akron
    Posts
    2,255

    Hell

    An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer
    becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
    After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the
    engineer is a pretty popular guy.
    One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "
    So, how's it going down there in hell?"
    Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is
    going to come up with next."
    God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake
    - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
    God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
    Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
    WALSTIB

  21. #621
    Cyburbian Planit's avatar
    Registered
    Mar 2005
    Location
    In a 480 square foot ex baseball nacho stand
    Posts
    7,953
    > Please read and forward to any women you may know that need help with
    > this... we don't want to lose any women over this treatable illness...
    >
    > Important Women's Health Issue:
    >
    > Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do
    > you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
    >
    > If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
    > pharmacist about Margaritas.
    >
    > Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
    > about yourself and your actions.
    >
    > Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the
    > world that you're ready
    >
    > and willing to do just about anything.
    >
    > You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with
    > a regimen of regular doses you can
    >
    > overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want
    > to live.
    >
    > Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
    > discover many talents you never knew you had.
    >
    > Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas..
    >
    > Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
    > nursing should not use Margaritas.
    >
    > However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are
    > encouraged to try it.
    >
    > Side effects may include:
    >
    > Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration
    >
    > Erotic lustfulness
    >
    > Walking through screen doors
    >
    > Loss of motor control
    >
    > Loss of clothing
    >
    > Loss of money
    >
    > Loss of virginity
    >
    > Table dancing
    >
    > Headache
    >
    > Dehydration
    >
    > Dry mouth
    >
    > And a desire to sing Karaoke
    >
    > WARNING:
    > The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering
    > when you are not.
    >
    > WARNING:
    > The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over
    > and over again that you love them.
    >
    > WARNING:
    > The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
    >
    > WARNING:
    > The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically
    > converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting
    >
    > Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas. &nb sp;
    >
    > Thank you.
    >
    >
    >
    > Reminding you "Be flexible and you'll never get
    >
    > bent out of shape!"
    "Whatever beer I'm drinking, is better than the one I'm not." DMLW
    "Budweiser sells a product they reflectively insist on calling beer." John Oliver

  22. #622
    Cyburbian Emeritus Bear Up North's avatar
    Registered
    May 2003
    Location
    Northwestern Ohio
    Posts
    9,327

    Lie-Detector Robot

    Jim and Mary were so proud. They had just purchased their first LIE DETECTOR ROBOT. As their son, Mike, walked in the room with his pretty girlfriend, Candy. Jim whispered to Mary, "Let's try this out on Mikey."

    "Where you guys been?", Jim asked Mike. He replied, "At the library."

    The robot walked over to Mike and whacked him across the head. Jim smiled and asked the same question. Mike replied, "Uhhh, down in Candy's basement, watching National Geographic videos."

    Again the robot ambled over to Mike and smacked hin.

    Mike already knew that the same question was on its' way. He stammered, "We were watching pornos."

    Jim smiled.....and the robot did not move.

    Jim looked at his son. "You know you shouldn't lie. I never lied to my parents." The robot moved over to Jim and whacked him across the head. Mary started to laugh. "Jim, Jim, Jim. Even though Mike is your son, you should be setting a good example."

    The robot smacked Mary.



    Bear
    Occupy Cyburbia!

  23. #623
    Cyburbian Richmond Jake's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    Jukin' City
    Posts
    17,025
    A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

    The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'

    The cop says: 'What are you doing?'

    The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

    Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'

    The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

    Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!

    The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

    The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

    The cop asks: 'And her ... what's her age?'

    The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'
    Annoyingly insensitive

  24. #624
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    Posts
    3,387
    A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was drawn to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying intensely and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

    The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is greater than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

    The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  25. #625
    Cyburbian Richmond Jake's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    Jukin' City
    Posts
    17,025
    ZG comes home from shopping the other day and tells me to take off her blouse.
    Then she tells me to take off her skirt.
    Then she tells me to take off her panties.

    Then she tells me never to wear her clothes again.
    Annoyingly insensitive

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