Urban planning community | #theplannerlife

+ Reply to thread
Page 29 of 32 FirstFirst ... 19 28 29 30 ... LastLast
Results 701 to 725 of 800

Thread: The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

  1. #701
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Akron
    Posts
    2,255

    Job search

    My job search

    1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
    But I got canned. Couldn't concentrate .

    2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
    But just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

    3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,
    But wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

    4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
    But that was too exhausting.

    5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,
    But just didn't have the thyme.

    6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,
    But any way I sliced it... Couldn't cut the mustard.

    7. My best job was a Musician,

    But eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

    8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
    But didn't have any patience.

    9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
    Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

    10. I became a Professional Fisherman,
    But discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

    11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
    But the work was just too draining.

    12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center,
    But they said I wasn't fit for the job.

    13. After many years of trying to find steady work,
    I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

    14. My last job was working in Starbucks,
    But had to quit because it was the same old grind.

    15. SO, I tried
    RETIREMENT

    AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

  2. #702
    Cyburbian Plus
    Registered
    Jun 2003
    Location
    curiosity
    Posts
    20,407
    Gate 14 in the Denver Airport .

    It happened at the Denver Airport . This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts and smarts of this girl.

    An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you!

    A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers

    Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said,
    "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

    The agent replied,
    "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

    The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,
    "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

    Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
    "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

    "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14".

    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth, and said, " F*** You!".

    Without flinching, she smiled and said,
    "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

  3. #703
    Cyburbian Plus
    Registered
    Jun 2003
    Location
    curiosity
    Posts
    20,407
    AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO


    An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino.
    She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

    She said,
    'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

    With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,
    'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

    As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...
    'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

    She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

    The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
    Finally, one of them asked,
    'What did she roll?'
    The other answered,
    'I don't know.....I thought you were watching.'


    MORAL OF THE STORY -

    Not all Irish are drunks,
    not all blondes are dumb,
    but all men...are men.

  4. #704
    Cyburbian dandy_warhol's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2005
    Location
    meh.
    Posts
    8,442
    How much cocaine did they find in Charlie Sheen's house?

















    Enough to kill two and a half men.

  5. #705
    Cyburbian Planit's avatar
    Registered
    Mar 2005
    Location
    In a 480 square foot ex baseball nacho stand
    Posts
    8,436

    I almost put this in the Political Discussion thread...

    The recession has hit everybody really hard..  


    My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
     
    Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
     
    CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
     
    Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
     
    A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
     
    I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
     
    If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
     
    McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
     
    Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
     
    Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
     
    My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
     
    A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
     
    A picture is now only worth 200 words.
     
    When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
     
    The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
     
    Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
    "Whatever beer I'm drinking, is better than the one I'm not." DMLW
    "Budweiser sells a product they reflectively insist on calling beer." John Oliver

  6. #706
    Cyburbian Plus
    Registered
    Jun 2003
    Location
    curiosity
    Posts
    20,407
    Three women in Mexico

    Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation,
    get drunk, and wake up in jail,
    only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

    The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
    She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

    They throw the switch and nothing happens.
    They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

    The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
    "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

    They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
    Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

    The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says,
    "Well, I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and
    I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.

  7. #707
    Cyburbian TerraSapient's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2009
    Location
    The Glass City
    Posts
    2,610
    Quote Originally posted by JNA View post


    The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says,
    "Well, I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and
    I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.
    Nice one JNA

  8. #708
    OH....IO Hink's avatar
    Registered
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Hang on Sloopy...land
    Posts
    12,419
    Quote Originally posted by JNA View post
    Three women in Mexico

    Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation,
    get drunk, and wake up in jail,
    only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

    The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
    She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

    They throw the switch and nothing happens.
    They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

    The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
    "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

    They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
    Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

    The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says,
    "Well, I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and
    I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.
    I have heard a variant of this with a Polish guy and a guillotine.
    A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. -Douglas Adams

  9. #709
    Cyburbian Planit's avatar
    Registered
    Mar 2005
    Location
    In a 480 square foot ex baseball nacho stand
    Posts
    8,436

    In the Gym

    An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym
    when he spotted a sweet young thing... He asked the trainer that was
    near by "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet
    thing over there?"


    The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby".......
    "Whatever beer I'm drinking, is better than the one I'm not." DMLW
    "Budweiser sells a product they reflectively insist on calling beer." John Oliver

  10. #710
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    Posts
    3,387

    The preacher's son

    An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really seem to know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too
    concerned about it.

    One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

    1. A Bible...

    2. A silver dollar...

    3. A bottle of whisky...

    4. And a Playboy magazine...

    'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

    If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a Blessing that would be!

    If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

    But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be!

    And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer..'

    The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

    The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table.

    With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

    He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.

    He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

    'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. 'He's gonna run for Congress!'
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  11. #711
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    Posts
    3,387
    A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.”

    The guy replies, “Hey, why not?”

    He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  12. #712
    Cyburbian TerraSapient's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2009
    Location
    The Glass City
    Posts
    2,610
    That was a pretty good one SGB!

  13. #713
    Cyburbian Richmond Jake's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    Hicksville
    Posts
    17,237

    A Woman

    A real woman is a man's best friend.
    She will never stand him up and never let him down.
    She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
    She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
    She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
    She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

    No wait...Sorry...

    I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that.

    Never mind.
    Annoyingly insensitive

  14. #714
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Akron
    Posts
    2,255

    5 RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

    5 RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE: 1. Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name. 3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again. 4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them. 5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

  15. #715
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Akron
    Posts
    2,255

    Bruce and Jenny

    Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

    One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

    Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

    Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
    "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

    Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,
    "In Jenny’s room.It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

    Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
    "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.
    You'll need to support Jenny."

    Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month,
    so that should do us just fine."

    Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
    "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
    I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have
    little children of your own?"

    Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
    "Well, we've been lucky so far."

    Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable

  16. #716
    Cyburbian Planit's avatar
    Registered
    Mar 2005
    Location
    In a 480 square foot ex baseball nacho stand
    Posts
    8,436
    Woman 1: That's a very nice ring. Beautiful bright diamond and setting.

    Woman 2: Why thank you, that's the Chapman Diamond. It is beautiful, but it comes with a curse.

    Woman 1: A curse? What is it?

    Woman 2: Mr. Chapman!
    "Whatever beer I'm drinking, is better than the one I'm not." DMLW
    "Budweiser sells a product they reflectively insist on calling beer." John Oliver

  17. #717
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Slightly Off-Center
    Posts
    8,261
    What do they call pall bearers in Oklahoma?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    Karaoke
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  18. #718
    Cyburbian Plus
    Registered
    Jun 2003
    Location
    curiosity
    Posts
    20,407
    4 Worms in church
    Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!



    A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

    Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

    The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

    The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

    The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

    The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

    At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

    The first worm in alcohol... Dead.
    The second worm in cigarette smoke... Dead.
    Third worm in chocolate syrup... Dead.

    Fourth worm in good clean soil... Alive .

    So the Minister asked the congregation, What did you learn from this demonstration?
    Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

    'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

    That pretty much ended the service!

  19. #719
    Cyburbian Plus
    Registered
    Jun 2003
    Location
    curiosity
    Posts
    20,407
    A teacher gave her kids lifesavers.
    The kids began to identify the flavors by their colors~
    red/cherry,
    purple/grape,
    green/lime and so on.
    Finally, the teacher gave them all honey-flavored lifesavers.
    None of the kids could identify the taste.
    She gave them a hint and said, "It's what your mother may call your father."
    One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out, and yelled
    "OMG, they're a$$holes!"

  20. #720
    Cyburbian Planit's avatar
    Registered
    Mar 2005
    Location
    In a 480 square foot ex baseball nacho stand
    Posts
    8,436
    The importance of Punctuation !



    An English professor wrote the words:

    "A woman without her man is nothing"
    on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.


    All of the males in the class wrote:
    "A woman, without her man, is nothing."


    All the females in the class wrote:
    "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
    "Whatever beer I'm drinking, is better than the one I'm not." DMLW
    "Budweiser sells a product they reflectively insist on calling beer." John Oliver

  21. #721
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Slightly Off-Center
    Posts
    8,261
    An elderly farmer — who hadn't been to town in many years — hitched his horse to the rig, called his dog, and went to See the Sights. Of course, at the first interstate near town, a speeding car hit the rig, demolishing it and seriously injuring the farmer and his horse and his dog. At the trial of the personal injury suit brought by the farmer, a police officer testified that he arrived immediately after the accident; that he asked the plaintiff/farmer how he felt; and that the plaintiff said, "I never felt better in my life." Then, the plaintiff was re-called by his attorney:

    Q. Did you really tell that police officer that, after the accident, you never felt better in your life?

    A. Yep, that's what I said.

    Q. I want you to explain that, please.

    A. Well, you see, I was knocked unconscious in the accident, and when I came to I saw this officer examining my horse, and then he took out his gun and shot him in the head. Then he examined my dog and shot him in the head. Then he came to me and asked, "How do you feel?"
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  22. #722
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    Posts
    3,387
    A comment on a bear blog post....

    I was at a talk by [a guy] who mingles muchly with black bears.

    He was describing how these bears will often do a "false charge" and stop short.

    He says he has no problem with this, the thing to do is never to run away but stand firm, look nonthreatening and talk calmly to the bear.

    A woman asked him "Well, what exactly do you say?"

    He said "Our father which art in heaven..."
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  23. #723
    Cyburbian Richmond Jake's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    Hicksville
    Posts
    17,237
    Wife's Diary. October 3rd:

    Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

    I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

    I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
    _____________________________

    Husband's Diary. October 3rd:

    A four putt; who the hell four putts?
    Annoyingly insensitive

  24. #724
    Cyburbian Emeritus Bear Up North's avatar
    Registered
    May 2003
    Location
    Northwestern Ohio
    Posts
    9,327
    Heard this on the radio the other day, as a couple commentators discussed the recent scientific study indicating that neutrinos can move faster than light.....

    "I'm sorry," said the bartender. "We don't serve neutrinos."
    A neutrino goes into a bar and orders a drink.



    Bear
    Occupy Cyburbia!

  25. #725
    Cyburbian Plus
    Registered
    Jun 2003
    Location
    curiosity
    Posts
    20,407
    HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE .

    George Phillips, an elderly man, from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things..

    He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

    He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

    Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

    George said, "Okay."

    He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

    "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

    Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

    George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

    Don't mess with old people.

+ Reply to thread
Page 29 of 32 FirstFirst ... 19 28 29 30 ... LastLast

More at Cyburbia

  1. The NEVERENDING Pet Thread
    Friday Afternoon Club
    Replies: 534
    Last post: 15 Apr 2015, 7:46 PM
  2. The NEVERENDING Joy Thread
    Friday Afternoon Club
    Replies: 17
    Last post: 01 May 2013, 10:39 AM
  3. The NEVERENDING FML thread
    Friday Afternoon Club
    Replies: 44
    Last post: 21 Apr 2013, 9:40 PM
  4. The NEVERENDING getting old thread
    Friday Afternoon Club
    Replies: 115
    Last post: 18 Nov 2009, 9:19 PM
  5. Replies: 5
    Last post: 27 Jan 2005, 11:14 AM