Urban planning community

+ Reply to thread
Page 3 of 32 FirstFirst ... 2 3 4 13 ... LastLast
Results 51 to 75 of 794

Thread: The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

  1. #51
    Cyburbian
    Registered
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Santiago, Chile
    Posts
    4,767
    aww come on!!! It's just a lousy photoshop job I found. What's the big deal?

  2. #52
    Cyburbian Wannaplan?'s avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    Gale Crater
    Posts
    2,842
    That image is frighteningly funny. I love it!

  3. #53
    Cyburbian el Guapo's avatar
    Registered
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Samsara
    Posts
    5,075
    Originally posted by SkeLeton
    aww come on!!! It's just a lousy photoshop job I found. What's the big deal?
    Skel,
    How would you feel if I posted very negative images of your country's leaders or historical figures? Believe it or not some of us in the US don't find that photo funny. I am one of them. I don't see how anyone - other than someone with an anti-American or anti-Bush agenda - could find it anything but offensive. It's not even smartly done, its just insulting.

    I didn't express that thought until you asked. But now that you have asked, do you understand why I asked you how it could be considered funny?

    It is considered bad manners around here for me to pick on foreign posters who thow anti-American rethoric around - in your case a nasty little photoshop creation you called "portrait of the American Family." I have been chided for sticking up for the US in the past by other members. And I have tried my best to hold my typing hands when foreign visitors post information I find incorrect, faulty or othewise offensive about my homeland.

    I think I speak for some here when I tell you that if you want to discuss our US foreign policies please be prepared to have your own nation's actions debated just as vigorously.

    "Aww come on," take it in the spirit of international friendship.

  4. #54
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    South Milwaukee
    Posts
    8,935

    Renamed Iraqi Cities

    Now that American Aircraft and Military have reorganized Iraq's
    landscape. US intelligence has discovered that they have
    renamed some of their towns. These new names include:

    1. Wherz-Myroof
    2. Mykamel-Izded
    3. Oshit-Disisabad
    4. Waddi-El-Izgowinon
    5. Pleez-Ztopdishit
    6. Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
    7. Ikantstan-Disnomore
    8. Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin
    9. Myturbin-Izburnin
    10. Imma-Dedshmuck

  5. #55
    Cyburbian Wannaplan?'s avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    Gale Crater
    Posts
    2,842
    I totally understand your criticism of the title, "Portrait of the American Family." But that image, and the image alone, is a total gut-buster! I laugh every time I see it!


    Originally posted by El Guapo
    Skel,
    How would you feel if I posted very negative images of your country's leaders or historical figures? Believe it or not some of us in the US don't find that photo funny. I am one of them. I don't see how anyone - other than someone with an anti-American or anti-Bush agenda - could find it anything but offensive. It's not even smartly done, its just insulting.

    I didn't express that thought until you asked. But now that you have asked, do you understand why I asked you how it could be considered funny?

    It is considered bad manners around here for me to pick on foreign posters who thow anti-American rethoric around - in your case a nasty little photoshop creation you called "portrait of the American Family." I have been chided for sticking up for the US in the past by other members. And I have tried my best to hold my typing hands when foreign visitors post information I find incorrect, faulty or othewise offensive about my homeland.

    I think I speak for some here when I tell you that if you want to discuss our US foreign policies please be prepared to have your own nation's actions debated just as vigorously.

    "Aww come on," take it in the spirit of international friendship.

  6. #56
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    Posts
    3,387
    THE "TWO-COW EXPLANATION" OF WHAT MAKES....


    A CHRISTIAN:

    You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.


    A SOCIALIST:

    You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.


    A REPUBLICAN:

    You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?


    A DEMOCRAT:

    You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.


    A COMMUNIST

    You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.


    A FASCIST:

    You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk.

    You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.


    DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:

    You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.


    CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:

    You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.


    BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:

    You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.


    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:

    You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.


    A FRENCH CORPORATION:

    You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.


    A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

    You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.


    A GERMAN CORPORATION:

    You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.


    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

    You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.


    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

    You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.


    A MEXICAN CORPORATION:

    You think you have two cows, but you're not sure what a cow looks like. You take a nap.


    A SWISS CORPORATION:

    You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.


    A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:

    You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.


    AN INDIAN CORPORATION:

    You have two cows. You worship them.


    A TALIBAN CORPORATION:

    You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan "countryside" and they both die. You blame the godless American infidels.

  7. #57
    Cyburbian
    Registered
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Santiago, Chile
    Posts
    4,767
    hahahahah that was funny SGB!!! ROTFLMAO!

    On a more serious note: EG, sorry about putting that innapropriate title on the image....

  8. #58
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    Posts
    3,387

    A little old lady goes to the doctor.....

    A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this trouble with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

    The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

    The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."

    The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

  9. #59
    Cyburbian Wannaplan?'s avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    Gale Crater
    Posts
    2,842

  10. #60
    Cyburbian Wannaplan?'s avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    Gale Crater
    Posts
    2,842

  11. #61

  12. #62
    Forums Administrator & Gallery Moderator NHPlanner's avatar
    Registered
    Apr 1996
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Posts
    7,539
    This is one of the better ones I've seen in a while...sent to me by my mom....

    Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and his roommate, Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and his roommate, Stephanie, than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

    About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do
    you?"

    Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

    "Dear Mother,

    I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

    Love, Brian"

    Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that
    read:

    "Dear Son,

    I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

    Love, Mom"

    LESSON OF THE DAY ... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!!!!
    "Growth is inevitable and desirable, but destruction of community character is not. The question is not whether your part of the world is going to change. The question is how." -- Edward T. McMahon, The Conservation Fund

  13. #63
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Paris of Appalachia
    Posts
    3,902
    I just got the same one from my mother the other week. I wonder what point she was trying to get across?

  14. #64
    Moving at my own pace....... Planderella's avatar
    Registered
    Dec 1998
    Location
    NOLA
    Posts
    4,468
    The Island of Trid...

    Once upon a time, in the middle of the ocean,
    there was the Island of Trid.

    It seems that most of the Island of Trid was covered
    by a large mountain. On this mountain lived a Giant.
    The Giant did not allow Trids on his mountain. If a
    Trid dared to climb onto the mountain, the Giant would
    kick him into the ocean. Trids are notoriously bad
    swimmers, and frequently drowned when kicked into the ocean.

    The Trids were a very sexual people, and the population
    had grown quite large. Every square inch of the island,
    except the mountain, was crowded with Trids.

    The Trids spent their days crowded together, dreaming of
    the open space available on the ever visible mountain.
    Every few days, a Trid would decide he couldn't stand
    the crowds any more. He would start to climb the mountain,
    and the Giant would kick the Trid into the ocean.
    The Trids were a very depressed people.

    One day a traveling Rabbi visited the Island of Trid. Despite
    their overcrowded conditions, the Trids were extremely generous
    to this man of God.

    The Rabbi decided to return the favor, and to go plead the Trid's
    case to the Giant. "Surely the Giant can be convinced to share
    some of the mountain with you," the Rabbi explained.

    The Trids were horrified. "Please don't go, Rabbi", the Trids
    implored. "The Giant will kick you into the ocean, and you will
    surely drown."

    The Rabbi was stubborn, and insisted that he talk to the Giant.
    The Trids sent out every boat they had. They formed a ring around
    the island, so that they would be able to rescue the Rabbi.

    The Rabbi started walking towards the mountain. No sign of the Giant.

    He walked through the foothills, and there was no sign of the Giant.

    He started up the slopes of the mountain, further than any Trid
    had ever been. Still no sign of the Giant.

    Finally he reached the summit of the mountain. There the Giant
    was waiting for him. The Rabbi asked "Tell me Giant, why have
    you allowed me to climb to the top of the mountain, without
    kicking me off the moment I started climbing?"

    And the Giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
    "A witty woman is a treasure, a witty beauty is a power!"

  15. #65
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
    Registered
    Mar 1996
    Location
    Upstate New York
    Posts
    14,514
    Blog entries
    3
    From CNN - the world's funniest joke.

    In an experiment conducted in Britain, people around the world were invited to judge jokes on an Internet site as well as contribute their own.

    The LaughLab research, carried out by psychologist Dr. Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire, attracted more than 40,000 jokes and almost two million ratings.

    And here it is...

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

    He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
    From another CNN article ...

    Researchers found that different nationalities have varying senses of humour while men and women do not always find the same joke funny.

    Out of 11 nationalities, Germans rated more jokes "very funny" than anyone else, preferring puns that rely on wordplay.

    The Canadians have the weakest sense of humour, according to the survey.
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  16. #66
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Paris of Appalachia
    Posts
    3,902
    More Iraqi fun time! Turn on you soundcard.

    http://www.gophergas.com/funstuff/realsaddam.htm

  17. #67
    Moving at my own pace....... Planderella's avatar
    Registered
    Dec 1998
    Location
    NOLA
    Posts
    4,468
    The complicated female mind
    ------------------------------------------------
    Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at
    home.
    Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at
    home.
    Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
    Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.
    "A witty woman is a treasure, a witty beauty is a power!"

  18. #68
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    Posts
    3,387

    The value of vices

    A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

    "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

    "Will you use it to gamble?"

    "I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

    "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

    "Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

    The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead,
    I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

    The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

  19. #69

  20. #70

    Registered
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Chicago, IL
    Posts
    1,548
    A joint research project among universities from several Eastern European countries was established to explore the wildlife habits of animals in Siberia. The research team, co-led by professors from the University of Prague and the University of Kiev, wanted to track the transition that animals made from Siberia's harsh winter to the first signs of spring.

    The research team left Novosibirsk in Siberia and went into the depths of the Siberian forest in late winter. Locals in Novosibirsk wished the team well, but also told the research team members to be wary of the polar bears as spring approaches. During that time they become particularly aggressive during their mating season.

    The researchers were fascinated with the data they were collecting on wolves, lynx, and other wildlife in the area, and as the spring thaw came they were excited about learning more about polar bears. From their camp they could see that the polar bears were beginning to pair up; one pair was tagged, and the team leaders set out into the wilderness to learn more.

    The rest of the research team soon lost contact with their leaders, and sent a search team to find them. They soon found the tagged polar bears in the distance, bloodied and obviously enjoying a meal. The search team ran after the polar bears, shooting and killing the female. The male bear escaped.

    They surveyed the site. They recognized the tattered clothes of the professor from Kiev. They cut open the female bear, and found the remains of the Ukrainian researcher.

    "You know what that means," said one member of the search team. "The Czech is in the male."

  21. #71
    Moving at my own pace....... Planderella's avatar
    Registered
    Dec 1998
    Location
    NOLA
    Posts
    4,468

    Men Are Like...

    Men are like ... Laxatives ...They irritate the shit out of you.

    Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.

    Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough.

    Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.

    Men are like ... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

    Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

    Men are like ... Coffee ... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.

    Men are like ... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.

    Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always ½ off.

    Men are like ... Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.

    Men are like ... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

    Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

    Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

    Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

    Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped
    "A witty woman is a treasure, a witty beauty is a power!"

  22. #72
    Cyburbian DecaturHawk's avatar
    Registered
    May 2003
    Location
    In the palm of the mitten
    Posts
    880

    Birds

    This joke was listed as the "Funniest Non-Dirty Joke of the Year" by some syndicated columnist a few years back (no, I don't remember when, and I don't remember the columnist, so I can't prove a thing). Animal lovers, please don't flame me.

    An outdoor lover is walking in the pristine woods of Northern Minnesota when he hears the unmistakable call of an endangered loon in its death throes. He follows the sound and finds the dead loon in the hands of a young man who is obviously not an outdoor person.

    The outdoor lover makes a citizen's arrest and strongarms the weak city boy towards the nearest DNR ranger station. He admonishes the bird killer. "How can you do this? Don't you know that the loon is an endangered species? People like you are what's wrong with this country."

    "I know," replies the bird killer. "I feel really bad about it. It's just that, well, I love to eat them. They taste unbelievable."

    The outdoor lover is appalled. "I can't believe your selfishness! You mean to tell me that you killed this wonderful animal just to satisfy your hunger? You deserve to banished from the outdoors forever."

    As they continue towards the ranger station, the outdoor lover's curiosity gets the better of him. "I know I shouldn't ask," he says, "but I've just got to know. What does loon taste like?"

    "Well," says the bird killer, "it's kind of a cross between bald eagle and California Condor."

  23. #73
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    Posts
    3,387

    Iraqi gun control

    Saddam Hussein, Taha Yassin Ramadan and Tariq Aziz are lounging on the balcony of one of Saddam’s palaces when a flock of geese flies over.

    “Ramadan, shoot the geese,” Saddam says. The vice president lifts his AK-47 and empties a clip into the sky, but doesn’t hit a single goose.

    “You try, Tariq,” Saddam says. The deputy prime minister fires and misses as well.

    “Damn, I have to do everything around here,” Saddam says. He fires five rounds in the air. None of the birds fall.

    There’s an awkward silence. Then Tariq Aziz points at the receding flock and says, “My God, would you look at that! Dead birds flying!”

  24. #74

    Registered
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Chicago, IL
    Posts
    1,548

    Yo Momma Jokes

    We used to make jokes up like this when I was a kid:

    Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.

    Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.

    Yo momma so old her Social Security Number is 1.

    Yo momma so dumb it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes."

    Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.

    Yo momma so stupid she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.

    Yo momma so fat you gotta take a train and TWO buses to get on her good side.

    Yo momma so fat she rolled over four quarters and made them into a dollar bill.

  25. #75
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    Posts
    3,387

    Don't ask, don't tell

    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

    The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale
    to swallow a human because even though it was a very large
    mammal its throat was very small.

    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

    Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
    swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

    The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

    The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

    The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

+ Reply to thread
Page 3 of 32 FirstFirst ... 2 3 4 13 ... LastLast

More at Cyburbia

  1. The NEVERENDING Pet Thread
    Friday Afternoon Club
    Replies: 497
    Last post: 22 Jul 2014, 10:54 AM
  2. The NEVERENDING Joy Thread
    Friday Afternoon Club
    Replies: 17
    Last post: 01 May 2013, 9:39 AM
  3. The NEVERENDING FML thread
    Friday Afternoon Club
    Replies: 44
    Last post: 21 Apr 2013, 8:40 PM
  4. The NEVERENDING getting old thread
    Friday Afternoon Club
    Replies: 115
    Last post: 18 Nov 2009, 8:19 PM
  5. Replies: 5
    Last post: 27 Jan 2005, 10:14 AM