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Thread: The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

  1. #726
    Cyburbian Planit's avatar
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    My wife sent this to me

    One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
    Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
    'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
    He yelled back, 'OHIO STATE!'
    And they say blondes are dumb....
    "Whatever beer I'm drinking, is better than the one I'm not." DMLW
    "Budweiser sells a product they reflectively insist on calling beer." John Oliver

  2. #727
    OH....IO Hink's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Planit View post
    One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
    Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
    'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
    He yelled back, 'OHIO STATE!'
    And they say blondes are dumb....
    And I know full well you could have put any other university in that joke... but you went with quality over ease... I am sure that Harvard people would say Yale, and I would probably say Michigan.... I know you kid because you love...
    A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. -Douglas Adams

  3. #728
    Cyburbian Planit's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Hink View post
    And I know full well you could have put any other university in that joke... but you went with quality over ease... I am sure that Harvard people would say Yale, and I would probably say Michigan.... I know you kid because you love...
    Honestly, thats how it came to me. I did not change a thing.
    However I do know the person that sent it to her and they really like the colors blue and yellow.
    "Whatever beer I'm drinking, is better than the one I'm not." DMLW
    "Budweiser sells a product they reflectively insist on calling beer." John Oliver

  4. #729
    Cyburbian Veloise's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Planit View post
    Honestly, thats how it came to me. I did not change a thing.
    However I do know the person that sent it to her and they really like the colors blue and yellow.
    Shared on FB, and both color schemes are appreciating it. Thanks!

  5. #730
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    Very punny

    1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out it was only an optical Aleutian .
    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
    5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
    6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
    7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
    8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
    9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
    13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
    14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
    15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
    16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
    17. A backward poet writes inverse.
    18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
    19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
    20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
    21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
    22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
    23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
    24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
    25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: to transcend dental medication.

    26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
    WALSTIB

  6. #731
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
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    Substitute your two favorite churches, this is the way I heard it...

    A priest was walking down the street and saw a little boy with a box of kittens, so he asked him "Son, what kind of kittens are those?" The little boy said, "Father, these are Catholic kittens." The priest thought that was a really cute response and went on his way.

    The next week, the priest happened down the same street and, sure enough, there was the little playing with the kittens again, so he asked again, "Son, what kind of kittens are those?" The little boy said, "Father, these are Lutheran kittens." Surprised by the response, the priest said, "But last week you said that they were Catholic kittens."

    "Yes", the little boy said, "but this week their eyes are open."
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  7. #732
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    The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

    This isn't for any religious reason.

    They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

    A search for a Virgin continues.

    There was no problem, however, finding too many jacka$$es to fill the stable.
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  8. #733
    Gunfighter Mastiff's avatar
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    A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon when, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

    The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded, "Where the hell are you?"

    He replied, "Darling you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money at the time and said 'Baby, it'll be yours one day.'?"

    Wife, with a smile and blushing: "Yes, I remember that my Love."

    "Well," said the Husband, "I'm in the Pub next to that shop."
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    C'mon and get me you twist of fate
    I'm standing right here Mr. Destiny
    If you want to talk well then I'll relate
    If you don't so what cause you don't scare me

  9. #734
    Cyburbian Plus
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    The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University ..

    Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

    The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it!


    1.This is this cat.

    2. This is is cat.

    3. This is how cat.

    4. This is to cat.

    5. This is keep cat.

    6. This is an cat.

    7. This is old cat.

    8. This is fart cat.

    9. This is busy cat.

    10. This is for cat.

    11. This is forty cat.

    12. This is seconds cat.



    Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  10. #735
    Cyburbian Cardinal's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by JNA View post
    The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University ..

    Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

    The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it!


    1.This is this cat.

    2. This is is cat.

    3. This is how cat.

    4. This is to cat.

    5. This is keep cat.

    6. This is an cat.

    7. This is old cat.

    8. This is fart cat.

    9. This is busy cat.

    10. This is for cat.

    11. This is forty cat.

    12. This is seconds cat.



    Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
    Damn you.

    will be 46 in a couple weeks....
    Anyone want to adopt a dog?

  11. #736
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    Close shave

    Close Shave
    An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
    The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

    When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball.

    The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else
    WALSTIB

  12. #737
    NIMBY asshatterer Plus Richmond Jake's avatar
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    God is eating dinner alone. Aaron Rodgers approaches the table and God asks "What do you believe?" Rodgers says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends.” God can't help but see the goodness of Rodgers and offers him a seat to his left.

    Tim Tebow walks up and God says, "What do you believe?" Tebow says, "I believe in your total goodness, love and generosity and that you have given all to mankind.” God is greatly moved by Tebow’s eloquence, and offers him a seat to his right.

    Finally, Tom Brady comes over to the table: "And you, Tom, what do you believe?" Tom replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
    RJ is the KING of . The One

  13. #738
    Cyburbian Fat Cat's avatar
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    Fat Cat

    How many men do you need for a Mafia funeral?

    Just one—to slam the car’s trunk shut.

  14. #739
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    PLACES I'VE NEVER BEEN


    I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone.
    You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

    I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

    I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
    I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

    I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

    I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

    I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

    Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

    One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!
    At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

    I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

    PLEASE DO YOUR PART!

    Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year.
    You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at leastone unstable person. My job is done!

    Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!
    From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine!
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  15. #740
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    I often feel like this...

  16. #741
    Cyburbian Plus Whose Yur Planner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by adambentleympl View post
    I often feel like this...
    Great first post-keep up the good work
    When did I go from Luke Skywalker to Obi-Wan Kenobi?

  17. #742
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
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    What do you get if you cross poison ivy and four leaf clover?


    A rash of good luck
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  18. #743
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    Another Irish priest joke

    An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
    Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring
    day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of
    his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
    He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his
    front lawn. He promptly called the local police station......

    The conversation went like this:

    ''Good morning This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''
    'And the best of the day to yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St.
    Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead on
    me front lawn"
    Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with
    a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you
    people took care of the last rites!''

    There was dead silence on the line for a moment.........................
    Then Father O'Malley replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are
    also obliged to notify the next of kin.''
    WALSTIB

  19. #744
    Cyburbian btrage's avatar
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    What did the suspenders say to the pants?

    What's up britches!!!

    "I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany"

  20. #745
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    Nancy and Harry



    Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi called Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid into her office.

    Nancy said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!"

    "Great Nancy, but how?" asked Harry.

    "We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most middle Americans wear."

    "Then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever."

    "Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Nebraska and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."

    So they did and found just the place they were looking for in Broken Bow, Nebraska.

    With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

    The bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"

    "Yes we are!" said Nancy, flattered to be recognized, "And what a lovely town you have here."

    "We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."

    They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

    A few minutes later, a grizzled old farmer came into the bar.

    He walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out.

    A few minutes after that, in came another old farmer.

    He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.

    For the next hour, another dozen farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.

    Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail?"

    "Is it some sort of custom?"

    "Lord no," said the bartender.



    "I suspect that someone's running around town claiming there's a Labrador retriever in here with two assholes!"
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  21. #746
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    Your Duck is Dead--
    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
    listened to the bird's chest.

    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

    The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

    "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

    "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's
    owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to
    bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

    The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and
    also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the
    room.

    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

    The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat
    Scan, it's now $150."
    WALSTIB

  22. #747
    NIMBY asshatterer Plus Richmond Jake's avatar
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    The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man opened his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the troopers.

    "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkins exclaimed.

    The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

    Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

    The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

    "Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkins. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

    The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

    Stunned, Mr. Wilkins demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

    The trooper replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.”
    RJ is the KING of . The One

  23. #748
    Cyburbian Plus
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    What does it say about my sense of humor when I like RJ's joke above ?
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  24. #749
    Cyburbian Tarf's avatar
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    An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
    Love, Papa


    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Papa,
    Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
    Love, Vinnie


    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Papa,
    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
    In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. (Douglas Adams)

  25. #750
    Cyburbian Planit's avatar
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    I heard where one of the Arkansas Razorbacks boosters offered Jessica Dorrell a first class flight out of town to try to keep the situation somewhat under control.





    She refused, saying she only rides Coach….
    "Whatever beer I'm drinking, is better than the one I'm not." DMLW
    "Budweiser sells a product they reflectively insist on calling beer." John Oliver

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