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Thread: The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

  1. #751
    NIMBY asshatterer Plus Richmond Jake's avatar
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    The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

    "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

    The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

    After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor.

    "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk."
    ____________________

    Kind of brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

  2. #752
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    What sound does a BMW make when it crashes?

    DOOOOSH!
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  3. #753
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    Oh, some obscure number you probably haven't heard of.
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  4. #754
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
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    More blonde/blond jokes

    A friend told the blond: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

    The blond then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

    ------------------------------------

    Two blonds find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

    One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

    The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

    ------------------------------------

    A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex.

    The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

    To which the blonde replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

    ------------------------------------

    A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"

    She answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

    ------------------------------

    A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish.

    "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.

    The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".

    The blonde says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

    ------------------------------------

    A blond spies a letter lying on her doormat.

    It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

    She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

    ------------------------------------

    A blond man shouts frantically into the phone

    "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

    "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

    "No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"

    ------------------------------------

    A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

    A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

    The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

    ------------------------------------

    A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic.

    Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

    She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

    "What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.

    "Here boy!" she replies.

    ------------------------------------

    A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

    "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

    "Hanging myself," the blond replies.

    "It should be around your neck" says the guard.

    "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".

    ------------------------------------

    An Italian tourist asks a blonde: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

    To which the blonde replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
    ďDeath comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.Ē

  5. #755
    Forums Administrator & Gallery Moderator NHPlanner's avatar
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    "Growth is inevitable and desirable, but destruction of community character is not. The question is not whether your part of the world is going to change. The question is how." -- Edward T. McMahon, The Conservation Fund

  6. #756
    Cyburbian Plus
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    BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

    Dear Wife,
    Iím writing you this letter to tell you that Iím leaving you forever. Iíve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
    These last 2 weeks have been hell. ...
    Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
    Last week, you came home & didnít even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
    You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
    You donít tell me you love me anymore; you donít want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
    Either youíre cheating on me or you donít love me anymore; whatever the case, Iím gone.

    Your EX-Husband

    P.S. donít try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


    Dear Ex-Husband
    Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. Itís true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what youíve been.
    I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesnít work.
    I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ĎYou look just like a girl!í Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you canít say something nice, I didnít comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you wonít get a dime from me. So take care.

    Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

    P.S. I donít know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope thatís not a problem.
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  7. #757
    Cyburbian Plus
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    AIB the Cheating thread -


    This is great:

    No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
    However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best
    linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
    ...His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
    Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

    Here is his astute answer:

    "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
    But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
    And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  8. #758
    Cyburbian Tide's avatar
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    Hello, is this the Police?"
    "Yes. What do you want?"
    "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
    "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
    The next day, the Police descend on Billyís house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left
    The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy! Did the Police come?"
    "Yeah!"
    "And did they chop your firewood?"
    "Yep."
    "Merry Christmas, Buddy"
    @GigCityPlanner

  9. #759
    Cyburbian Planit's avatar
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    A SHORT... BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY

    A man and a woman who had never met
    before, but who were both married to
    other people, found themselves assigned
    to the same sleeping room on a
    transcontinental train.

    Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
    over sharing a room, they were both very
    tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the
    upper berth and she in the lower.

    At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and
    gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am,
    I'm sorry to bother you, but would you
    be willing to reach into the closet to get
    me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

    'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for
    tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.

    'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

    'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own
    fuckin' blanket.'

    After a moment of silence, he farted.

    The End.
    "Whatever beer I'm drinking, is better than the one I'm not." DMLW
    "Budweiser sells a product they reflectively insist on calling beer." John Oliver

  10. #760
    Cyburbian dvdneal's avatar
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    Why don't lawyers take viagra?
    It doesn't work, they just get taller.
    I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's Law. I merely enforce it.

  11. #761
    Cyburbian Plus
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    Woman's Life~
    After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.
    His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

    He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.
    On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.
    On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
    When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

    When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
    Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
    Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
    People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.
    The Maid quit.
    Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

    A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
    Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
    The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
    Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

    A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
    (INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS)
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  12. #762
    NIMBY asshatterer Plus Richmond Jake's avatar
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    The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

    A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You ba$tard!"

    The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

    The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten ba$tard!"

    The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

    Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry Your Honor, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that a$$hole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

  13. #763
    Cyburbian MD Planner's avatar
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    The farmer heads over to the neighboring ranch about 10 miles away. When he knocks on the door an 8 year old boy answers.

    "Is your daddy home?"
    "No"

    Is your older brother Harold home?
    "No"

    "I know a lot about the ranch mister, is there something I can help you with?"
    "I don't think so, I need to talk to someone about your brother Harold getting my daughter pregnant"

    "Yeah, you need to talk to my dad. I know he gets $500 for the bull and $100 for the hog but I'm not sure what he gets for Harold"
    He's a planner, he's a dreamer, he's a sordid little schemer,
    Seems to think that money grows on trees . . .

  14. #764
    Cyburbian Plus
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    Exchange posted on FB

    - "This hoe is working good!"
    - "do you mean yourself or the gardening tool you're using..."
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  15. #765
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
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    Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the
    mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organized by the
    Swiss.

    Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the
    lovers Swiss, the police German and it's all organized by the Italians.
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, ďWhere are you from?Ē doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

  16. #766
    Cyburbian Plus
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    SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
    WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
    SYLVIA: I froze to death.
    WANDA: How horrible!
    SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
    WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
    SYLVIA: So, what happened?
    WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
    I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
    I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
    SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  17. #767
    Cyburbian Veloise's avatar
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    This really happened!

    Friend staying with me has a bad rash and scratches on his legs. He thinks it's from sleeping outside in very hot weather wearing jeans. Decided he wanted a pair of sweatpants to sleep in, expedite application of vitamin E and other stuff.

    (Part of our conversations have been about s-e-x. At one point he was going to detail how long it's been. Um, no, TMI.)

    We go to Sallie Ann, find a suitable pair of sweatpants on sale that week for $1.50. I said this brand is female, and they looks like women's pants. He got them anyway.

    Got back, he slathered the sites with healing ointment, put on the new pants. And says, "you're right, these are women's pants."

    Sez I, "Just the other day you were trying to tell me how long it's been since you'd gotten into a woman's pants. Enjoy!"

  18. #768
    Cyburbian Plus
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    Someone said CU fans couldn't screw in a light bulb.
    My response: Most CU grad can figure out how to screw in a light bulb all by themselves. I know shocking.
    Of course CSU alumni might get shocked while attempting to screw in a light bulb.
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  19. #769
    Cyburbian Fat Cat's avatar
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    Fat Cat

    I was in Viet Nam, Big Deal, I live in Detroit

  20. #770
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    THE HUSBAND STORE

    A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
    Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
    There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
    The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
    On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
    '"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
    "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
    "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
    Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    PLEASE NOTE:
    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
    The First floor has wives that love sex.
    The Second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  21. #771
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
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    My oldest's favorite joke right now...

    Knock Knock

    Who's There?

    Interrupting Cow

    Inter....

    MOOO

    (it is so much better told by a 4 year old)
    Not my monkey, not my circus. - Old Polish Proverb

  22. #772
    Cyburbian WSU MUP Student's avatar
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    I recently taught my 3-year-old her first joke, and she loves telling it to anybody who will listen:

    What noise do you get when you cross a rooster with a cow?

    Cock-a-doodle-MOO!!
    "Where free unions and collective bargaining are forbidden, freedom is lost." - 1980 Republican presidential candidate Ronald Reagan

  23. #773
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by WSU MUP Student View post
    I recently taught my 3-year-old her first joke, and she loves telling it to anybody who will listen:

    What noise do you get when you cross a rooster with a cow?

    Cock-a-doodle-MOO!!
    When she's older, you can use this one.

    What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

    Elephino?
    ďDeath comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.Ē

  24. #774
    Cyburbian Midori's avatar
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    Heard at a recent training session:

    Do you know how copper wire was invented?

    Two developers were fighting over a penny.

  25. #775
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
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    In an effort to connect with modern youth, Fr. O'Malley changed the WWJD bracelets to read WTFWJD. The dioceses was not pleased.
    Not my monkey, not my circus. - Old Polish Proverb

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