The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

[Richmond Jake]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk."
____________________

Kind of brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

[Dan]

What sound does a BMW make when it crashes?

DOOOOSH!

[Dan]

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Oh, some obscure number you probably haven't heard of.

[ofos]

A friend told the blond: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

The blond then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

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Two blonds find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex.

The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

To which the blonde replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

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A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"

She answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

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A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".

The blonde says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

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A blond spies a letter lying on her doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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A blond man shouts frantically into the phone

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"

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A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

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A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic.

Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.

"Here boy!" she replies.

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A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blond replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the guard.

"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".

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An Italian tourist asks a blonde: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blonde replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

[NHPlanner]

Parent notes...

http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/photo...s-parent-notes

[JNA]

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell. ...
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

[JNA]

AIB the Cheating thread -


This is great:

No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best
linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
...His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

[Tide]

Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left
The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"And did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"

[Planit]

A SHORT... BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met
before, but who were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned
to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
over sharing a room, they were both very
tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the
upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and
gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you
be willing to reach into the closet to get
me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for
tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own
fuckin' blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End.

[dvdneal]

Why don't lawyers take viagra?
It doesn't work, they just get taller.

[JNA]

Woman's Life~
After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.
On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.
The Maid quit.
Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
(INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS)

[Richmond Jake]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You ba$tard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten ba$tard!"

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry Your Honor, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that a$$hole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

[MD Planner]

The farmer heads over to the neighboring ranch about 10 miles away. When he knocks on the door an 8 year old boy answers.

"Is your daddy home?"
"No"

Is your older brother Harold home?
"No"

"I know a lot about the ranch mister, is there something I can help you with?"
"I don't think so, I need to talk to someone about your brother Harold getting my daughter pregnant"

"Yeah, you need to talk to my dad. I know he gets $500 for the bull and $100 for the hog but I'm not sure what he gets for Harold"