Urban planning community

+ Reply to thread
Page 4 of 32 FirstFirst ... 3 4 5 14 ... LastLast
Results 76 to 100 of 794

Thread: The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

  1. #76
    Cyburbian Planderella's avatar
    Registered
    Dec 1998
    Location
    NOLA
    Posts
    4,468
    Think You Know Everything?...

    A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

    A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

    A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

    A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

    A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

    A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air is a skein.

    A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

    A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

    A snail can sleep for three years.

    Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

    All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

    All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20."

    Almonds are a member of the peach family.

    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

    Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

    Butterflies taste with their feet.

    Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

    Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live?

    "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

    February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

    In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

    In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

    If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

    If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

    In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10 .

    It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

    Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

    Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"

    Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

    No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

    On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

    Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

    Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

    Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye."

    Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

    Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump.'

    "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand; "lollipop" with your right.

    The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

    The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

    The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.

    The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."

    The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

    The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

    The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

    The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

    The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable".

    The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

    The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

    The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

    There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

    There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

    There are more chickens than people in the world.

    There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

    There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

    There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs five times: "indivisibility."

    There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

    Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

    Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

    "Typewriter" is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

    Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

    Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

    Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

    ......NOW you know everything!
    "A witty woman is a treasure, a witty beauty is a power!"

  2. #77

    Registered
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Chicago, IL
    Posts
    1,548
    My brain is actually expanding from the wealth of knowledge I've just encountered.

    My life has been enriched by reading this list.

  3. #78
    Forums Administrator & Gallery Moderator NHPlanner's avatar
    Registered
    Apr 1996
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Posts
    7,598

    Erik The Dragon Slayer

    Erik the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Erik the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Erik the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

    The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Erik the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Erik the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Erik the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Erik worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Erik the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

    Upon returning to his chamber, Erik the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Erik the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King shooed him away with no payment made.

    The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King immediately summoned Erik the Dragon Slayer...

    > > > > > > The Moral of the Story: Pay your bills.
    "Growth is inevitable and desirable, but destruction of community character is not. The question is not whether your part of the world is going to change. The question is how." -- Edward T. McMahon, The Conservation Fund

  4. #79
    Cyburbian Planderella's avatar
    Registered
    Dec 1998
    Location
    NOLA
    Posts
    4,468

    The Bobbitt is Back!

    Lorena Bobbitt's sister Luella was arrested yesterday for an
    alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her
    famous sister had done several years ago.

    Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
    She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the
    upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The
    husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and
    Luella has been charged with a Misdewiener.

    OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this
    on to somebody...
    "A witty woman is a treasure, a witty beauty is a power!"

  5. #80
    Cyburbian el Guapo's avatar
    Registered
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Samsara
    Posts
    5,075
    It was the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers did for a living.

    The first little girl said, "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

    The next little boy said, "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

    It was then little Johnny's turn and he said, "My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

    The teacher gasped and quickly moved on, but later, in the school yard, the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

    Little Johnny blushed and said, "No, he's really a guitar player for the Dixie Chicks, but I was too embarrassed to say so."

  6. #81
    Cyburbian DecaturHawk's avatar
    Registered
    May 2003
    Location
    In the palm of the mitten
    Posts
    880
    Originally posted by Planderella
    All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
    Considering the fact that at the time the Lincoln Memorial was built there were only 48 states, this really is amazing!

  7. #82
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    Posts
    3,387

    Speaking of states.....

    Know Your State Motos:

    Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, leave Your
    Money)
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes
    Are Real Good
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Little
    Else
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To an
    Attorney
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Ohio: We're not north and we're not south
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Tennessee: The Educashun State
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Texas: Sí Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Vermont: Yep
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared ...
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  8. #83
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    Posts
    3,387

    The Honest Drunk

    [Insert standard politically correct disclaimer here.]

    A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

    As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

    He said, "You must be single."

    The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition,
    looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well,you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

    The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  9. #84
    Cyburbian Emeritus Bear Up North's avatar
    Registered
    May 2003
    Location
    Northwestern Ohio
    Posts
    9,327
    Candidate for worst joke in history.....

    Far atop one of Toledo's office towers Joe sits at the Top Of The Tower bar thinking about his problem. Joe is a city planner and he does such a great job at it that more and more work piles in from the local powers. Joe arrives at a decision.

    He gives a call to Bill, President of Clones-R-Us. He orders a cloned version of himself.

    Joe's clone arrives and immediately begins to work. And work and work. Suddenly, Joe is catching-up on all his projects. Things look great.

    But a problem surfaces.

    Seems that Joe's clone has one major problem. Every other word is a cuss word. Example:

    "Here's your g%4d8*x 2m%&^*-f*&#@^g project plan, Mayor Stoopid f*&#."

    Joe had no choice but to release his clone from duty. So he invited him to dinner at the Top Of The Tower. They sat at a table next to the window, enjoying the view of the Maumee River and Lake Erie in the distance.

    "Sorry, but I'm going to have to fire you, " Joe says.

    The clone responds with more cuss words.

    So Joe gets up and pushes the clone out the window. The clone falls to his death, splattering on the street below.

    The police arrive and arrest Joe.

    What for?

    Making an obscene clone fall.

  10. #85
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    South Milwaukee
    Posts
    8,935

    We are all Gods Creatures

    This is RUGGED.

  11. #86
    Unfrozen Caveman Planner mendelman's avatar
    Registered
    May 2003
    Location
    Staff meeting
    Posts
    8,208
    American beer is like having sex in a canoe.

    It's f**king close to water!
    I'm sorry. Is my bias showing?

    Let's not be didactic in this profession, because that is a path to disillusion and irrelevancy.

    Six seasons and a movie!

  12. #87
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Paris of Appalachia
    Posts
    3,902
    Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
    complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
    Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

    "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

    Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and
    stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

    "How long will this take?" she asks.

    "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

    The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
    between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

    Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't
    it?"

    He lives, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.
    Stupid, stupid man.

  13. #88
    Cyburbian Planderella's avatar
    Registered
    Dec 1998
    Location
    NOLA
    Posts
    4,468
    A woman driver is pulled over by a policeman:

    Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

    Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer: May I see your license please?

    Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

    Officer: Don't have one?

    Woman: Lost it for driving drunk four times.

    Officer: I see... May I see your vehicle registration paper please?

    Woman: I can't do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn
    gun.

    Officer 2: Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle please!

    The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

    Woman: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

    Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is quite stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the second officer. The second officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

    Woman: I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
    "A witty woman is a treasure, a witty beauty is a power!"

  14. #89
    maudit anglais
    Registered
    May 1997
    Location
    Odd-a-wah
    Posts
    6,586
    A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
    know where I am".

    The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

    "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

    "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

    "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

    The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

    "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

    "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

  15. #90
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    South Milwaukee
    Posts
    8,935

    Damn women drivers ! !

    Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

    I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

    As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared Me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

    Damn women drivers ! !

  16. #91
    Cyburbian
    Registered
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Santiago, Chile
    Posts
    4,767

    Resucitating the Zombie

    whoa... now this thread got laid off for quite a while...

    Here's a funny site to visit

    The Surrealist Compliment Generator

    Just keep reloading the page to see more

  17. #92
    Cyburbian Cardinal's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    The Cheese State
    Posts
    9,938

    Re: Resucitating the Zombie

    Originally posted by SkeLeton
    whoa... now this thread got laid off for quite a while...

    Here's a funny site to visit

    The Surrealist Compliment Generator

    Just keep reloading the page to see more
    Sir, you have most exquisite breasts. Your aquiline senescence implores me to generalize within the realms of a starfish's lifelong hallucinations of gelatin pools and of actuaries floating upon the Rhine. You are the swordfish that will never shower. Marmots will stick to you in Delaware. May you be always find naked women to throw tiny pickels at you and coo in oblivious delight at your witty, urbane opener of foreign post and packages. Many sausages have known things before you had time to react.

  18. #93
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    Posts
    3,387

    Dam(n) letter

    [Michigan folks: true or legend?]

    This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

    SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

    Dear Mr. DeVries:

    It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

    Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

    A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

    The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

    Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.


    We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

    Sincerely,

    David L. Price, District Representative
    Land and Water Management Division


    ** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **

    Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

    Dear Mr. Price,

    Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.


    I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

    As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

    I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

    If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

    In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

    So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

    In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

    Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

    THANK YOU.
    RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  19. #94
    Corn Burning Fool giff57's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 1998
    Location
    On the Mother River
    Posts
    4,570
    Here is a good 404 I just got....http://www.acm.uiuc.edu/rml/Gifs/Farside/

  20. #95
    Cyburbian Wannaplan?'s avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    Gale Crater
    Posts
    2,850

  21. #96
    Cyburbian nerudite's avatar
    Registered
    Aug 2001
    Location
    Edmonton
    Posts
    5,502
    The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
    Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

    "Very good," said the teacher.

    Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

    "Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

    Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

    "Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny.

    "Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

    "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing. Hey, this tastes like ****!

    Then I would say, "It is ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

  22. #97
    Cyburbian otterpop's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Down by Dun Ringill
    Posts
    5,930
    Blog entries
    6

    The NEVER ENDING Internet Joke Thread

    Adam tells God, "I am lonely. I need a companion."

    God says, "I have the perfect compnaion. She is beautiful, kind, intelligent, and loving. She will cook and clean for you. She will give you wonderful children. And she will never say a cross word to you."

    Adam says, "That is amazing. But what will she cost me?"

    God says, "An arm and a leg."

    Adam says, "That is pretty steep. What can I get for a rib?"

  23. #98
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Registered
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    Posts
    3,387

    Andy Rooney on.....

    [Andy Rooney is an American humorist and political commentator.]

    Vegetarians:

    Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.


    Prisoners:

    Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.

    I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.


    Fabric Softener:

    My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.


    Morning Differences:

    Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.

    And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.


    Cripes:

    My wife is from the mid-west, very nice people there, very wholesome, they use like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wannna burn in heck?


    Grandma:

    My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?

    Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.


    Research:

    Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's disease research. It is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections ... who can't remember what to do with them.


    Presidential Libraries:

    Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  24. #99
    The Dam story in Michigan is false. That story has been going around for years. I am on the Michigan Society of Planners Board of Directors... in which so is the Department of Environmental Quality Chief. It was asked a couple of years ago about that story when it started... It never happened and she does not know how it got started........... just a joke from the anti-government types with there wity eight grade education I guess. As ALWAYS NEVER NEVER believe everything you read on the internet. Are you suprised?

  25. #100
         
    Registered
    May 2003
    Location
    St. Louis, MO
    Posts
    340

    Noah in the 21st Century

    It is the year 2002 and Noah lives in the United States.

    The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

    In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

    Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

    Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

    "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

    "Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

    Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

    Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

    I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the
    Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

    The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.

    I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

    When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

    Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they
    had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

    Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

    Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

    The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark
    in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

    I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax
    and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."

    Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
    further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the
    earth, it is a religious event, therefore unconstitutional.

    I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!"
    Noah wailed.

    The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.

    "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

    "No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."

+ Reply to thread
Page 4 of 32 FirstFirst ... 3 4 5 14 ... LastLast

More at Cyburbia

  1. The NEVERENDING Pet Thread
    Friday Afternoon Club
    Replies: 513
    Last post: 12 Sep 2014, 1:09 PM
  2. The NEVERENDING Joy Thread
    Friday Afternoon Club
    Replies: 17
    Last post: 01 May 2013, 9:39 AM
  3. The NEVERENDING FML thread
    Friday Afternoon Club
    Replies: 44
    Last post: 21 Apr 2013, 8:40 PM
  4. The NEVERENDING getting old thread
    Friday Afternoon Club
    Replies: 115
    Last post: 18 Nov 2009, 8:19 PM
  5. Replies: 5
    Last post: 27 Jan 2005, 10:14 AM