The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

[Cardinal]

Originally posted by Planificador Urbano
The Dam story in Michigan is false. That story has been going around for years. I am on the Michigan Society of Planners Board of Directors... in which so is the Department of Environmental Quality Chief. It was asked a couple of years ago about that story when it started... It never happened and she does not know how it got started........... just a joke from the anti-government types with there wity eight grade education I guess. As ALWAYS NEVER NEVER believe everything you read on the internet. Are you suprised?

Having worked with the DNR in my state, I am very surprised that the story is not true.

I've mentioned some anecdotes before, but my favorite has to do with placing quarried limestone boulders along the edge of a lake. The DNR raised a fuss because it might change the pH of the water. Um, it was approved, they were quarried from local bedrock at the other end of the lake, and they sit directly upon the limestone bedrock at the surface on the shore. Well, they really wanted to restore the natural shoreline... on a man-made lake.

[Rem]

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into their room and says to his wife,"Notice anything different, Bessie?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything
different about me?" Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely without clothes except for his boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells,"AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."

[Dan]

Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Philip Glass

[JNL]

A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:

1- The bartender is a blonde woman.
2- The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3- I'm a 6', 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Dan]

American rebels during the Revolutionary War used to place various barnyard fowls outside the buildings where they were holding their secret meetings. The thought was that having the birds wandering around was a commonplace enough sight that it wouldn't raise the suspicion of any loyalist wandering by, and at the same time the birds would make a huge ruckus anytime somebody did wander by, thereby alerting the rebels.

On numerous occasions, the squawking of the guard birds enabled the rebels to quickly leap outside and nab the loyalist before he could report the clandestine meeting to the Recoats stationed in the city. After the war's successful conclucion, the local population eventually created a new dish to honor the efforts of these brave barnyard fowl.

Perhaps you've heard of it? The spelling has changed a bit over time, but it was originally spelled "Chicken Catch a Tory".

[Chet]

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I ' m a huge fan of yours.
Your many dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which I ' ll touch upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when
we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I ' ve been wondering about your intentions.While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2am.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, coupled with ramen and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curds and chili cheesefries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this
time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you ' re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever beingplaced on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties,boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras.

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase ' let ' s F*** ' is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public.

6. Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to
bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities.

Come on now, it ' s only fair-you do your part, I ' ll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You ' ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don' t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to
continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately.

I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Chet

[Dan]

For Rem:

What do you call a boomerang that does not come back?
A stick.

How many Australian men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a sheila's job.

A New Zealander was hoping to immigrate to Australia. Upon arriving
in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, "What is your business in Australia?" "I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply. The customs officer then asked, "Do you have a conviction record?" The Kiwi replied, "I didn't think you still needed one."

Did you hear about the war between Australia and New Zealand? The Aussies were lobbing hand grenades; the Kiwis were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

A Sydneysider is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend stops him and asks, "Hey, whatcha' get the case of beer fer, mate?" "I got it for my wife!" "Oh ... good trade, mate!"

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman. He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into an Irishman?" "Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be Irish." The Englishman was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain." The patient replied "No worries, mate!!"

An Englishman visiting the Outback a notices a farmer going at it with a sheep in a nearby field. The English guy taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"
The Aussie farmer looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHARING with anyone!"

An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife. They stay in a five star hotel and rent a car for the day. While driving along the road, his wife asks,"Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?" The man replies, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting!" Further down the road the wife says, "Look, another one!" and the husband says, "Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel." They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg masturbating on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in and says to the manager, "Look, we come here in good faith, to stay in your hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a drover engaging in buggery with with a kangaroo. Further on, more recurrences of the same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one wooden leg, masturbating on your front steps. Well, what do you have to say about that?" The manager says, 'S'truth mate, you expect a man with one wooden leg to catch his own 'roo?"

[Richmond Jake]

Making the rounds up here in my neck of the woods:

Q: What do you call a person in North Idaho with ambition, intelligence, and wealth?

A: A recent arrival from California.

[Rem]

Originally posted by Dan
For Rem:An Englishman visiting the Outback a notices a farmer going at it with a sheep in a nearby field. The English guy taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"
The Aussie farmer looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHARING with anyone!"

Ouch.

Most of these jokes get told here with the Irish and Kiwis on the receiving end. I've actually posted the quoted joke, set in NZ, elsewhere. If you know the NZ accent the joke works better with a Kiwi 'on the job' - sorry JNL.

[BiteMeElmo]

an oldie but a goodie...

What is the name of the artist with the brown fingers?

Pick-Asso

[michaelskis]

How many Northern Michigan University students does it take to change a light bulb?

3, one to see that it is out, two more to travel the 20 miles on dog sled to the store, to barter a deer hide for a new one.

[Chet]

Tough decision?

[Chet]

[biscuit]

Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Redneck were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Redneck felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Redneck finally said ------ "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."

[JNL]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Dan
For Rem:

Heh heh, thanks Dan! I think you might have meant 'Abuse' For Rem though...

[JNL]

and here's some more

Beef stock

Chicken stock

and...


Laughing stock!

[LouisvilleSlugger]

hahahaha. lol. thats awesome!!!!!

[SGB]

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female ! .... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

[Tranplanner]

THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?
Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American
University.

"Today we will experiment with a new form of composition called the tandem
story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person
sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first
paragraph of a short story.
The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to
the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back
and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to
keep the story coherent.
There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be
written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has
been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca
-last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
-----------------------------
STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too
much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the
question.

-----------------------------

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he
said into his transgalactic communicator "Polar orbit established. No sign
of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle
beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.
The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the
cockpit.

-----------------------------

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper
one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly
and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from
her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why
must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

-----------------------------

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth
a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the
Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85
million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference
table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em
out of the sky!"

-----------------------------

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

-----------------------------

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile
tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F***ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm an air
headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

-----------------------------

(Rebecca)

A**hole.

-----------------------------

(Gary)

Bitch.

-----------------------------

(Rebecca)

W*nker.
-----------------------------

(Gary)

Sl*t.

-----------------------------

(Rebecca)

Get f****d.

-----------------------------

(Gary)

Eat s**t.

-----------------------------

(Rebecca)

F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

-----------------------------
(Gary)

Go drink some tea - whore.
************************************************

(Teacher)

A+ - I really liked this one.

[michaelskis]

I will prove women are evil

Money is the root of all evil
Time = Money
Relationships take Time
Women are all about Relationships
So...
Women are evil

[SkeLeton]

Here's another proof, let's hope you can read it

[michaelskis]

OOOHHH,

I need a poster of that.

[JNL]

Okay so these are a bit harsh, and the name of the sports team is probably interchangeable, but I had a good laugh anyway:

Did you hear that the Australian Post Office has had to recall their
latest stamps? They had pictures of the Australian Rugby test players on
them. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Did you hear about the Australian politician who was found dead in a
Wallabies shirt? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in
order to save his family from the embarrassment.

Q. If you see an Australian Wallaby fan on a bicycle, why should you
never swerve to hit him?
A.. It could be your bicycle.

Q. What do you have when 100 Australian Wallaby fans are buried up to
their necks in sand?
A.. Not enough sand.

Q. What's the difference between an Australian and a broken jet
engine?
A.. A jet engine eventually stops whining.

Q. How many Male Australian fans does it take to change a light bulb.
A.. Seven - one to change it, five to moan about it & a Manager to say
that if the referee had done his job in the first place the light bulb
would never have not gone out.

Had to edit it and take out the worst ones... because I'm not a nasty person. honest

[Queen B]

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern
Minnesota.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to
read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues reading.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am.
What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[Queen B]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door, they saw the damage that was done: glass everywhere and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yes, sir. We're sure sorry about that", the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants, one in every country in the world," she said.

Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary, and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of nonstop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO SH*T! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in
genies?"