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Thread: The NEVERENDING Joke Thread

  1. #126
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
    Apr 2003
    Somewhere between the mountains and the ocean.

    Re: Genie

    Originally posted by Queen B

    Now, that is a great joke.
    If you're not growing, you're dying. - Lou Holtz

  2. #127
    Jan 2003
    Santiago, Chile

    Re: genies....

    Great joke Queen B

  3. #128
    Cyburbian Rem's avatar
    Jun 2003
    NSW, Australia
    Three jokes courtesy of my 13 year old son;

    Q. What do you call a dear with no eyes?
    A. No idea.

    Q. What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs?
    A. Still no idea.

    A man walks into a bar carrying a suitcase, sits down, orders a beer and opens the case. A wee man, only about a foot tall, hops out and stands on the bar. The wee man sees a piano in the corner of the bar, jumps down, runs over to it and strikes up a tune. Soon the whole place is singing along enjoying the wee man's playing. The first man (who carried the suit case in) doesn't have to buy a drink all night and the barman even gives him a free dinner - the wee man's playing is so good.

    When it comes to chucking out time, a couple of the drinkers give the first man a pat on the back and say what a good time they've had. One asks "where did you get the wee feller?"

    The first man explains that he is an antique collector and once came across a genie in a bottle who granted him one wish. Then he looks his interrogorator directly in the eye and says darkly, "if you ever get the chance, be very careful what you wish for". Puzzled by the warning the second man says "you've done alright, you haven't paid for more than a single drink all night, you got a free dinner and everyone has had great fun".

    The first man looks back and says "You don't honestly think I wished for a 12 inch pianist do you"?

  4. #129
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
    Jul 2002


    Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Just two, but don't ask me how they get in there.

  5. #130
    Cyburbian jmf's avatar
    Sep 2001
    in limbo

    I'll probably be banned for this one...

    Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

    God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've created."

    Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
    "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

    "Balance?" Inquired Michael, still confused.

    God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.

    "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth but cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant . "I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts. "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

    The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?"

    "Ah," said God. "That's Canada the most glorious place on earth. There will be beautiful prairies, grasslands, farms, streams, abundant wild game and birds, rolling hills and woodlands. The people from Canada are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!"

    God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in United States."

  6. #131
    Does anyone have any good knock knock jokes. I have a friend visiting from Germany and he had never heard a knock knock joke before. The only one I could remember is the banana/orange you glad I didn't say banana one.

  7. #132
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Nov 2002
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  8. #133
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
    Nov 2002
    Champlain-Adirondack Biosphere Reserve

    Topical: Lights Out!


    Looking for a vacation trip?
    Turn the kitchen oven up to about 450 or so and let it warm up.
    Open the door, and stand in front of the heat.
    Close your eyes tight so that you can't see anything
    Welcome to New York.


    Because of the current power failures in Canada and the Northeast U.S.,
    the Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a series of warnings and good advise on how to cope with the blackout: e.g.: Shut off your
    appliances, Run generators outside, Check your smoke detector batteries, etc.

    And then they sent the message out on the internet.
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  9. #134
    Cyburbian JNL's avatar
    Jul 2002
    Wellington, NZ
    A happily married couple in their 50's lived in Pauanui by the beach. The wife was doing some study through university and said to her husband,
    "I need to study snails that eat the acacia tree."
    The husband trying to be helpful said,
    "I know where one is, its just down the beach a little way. They come out at night, I'll fetch you some."
    That evening her husband went with a bucket to fetch the snails for his adoring wife.
    Just as he was about to finish, a beautiful blonde was walking up the beach toward him. They started talking and as luck would have it, they got on extremely well.
    The blonde said, "Would you like to come to my place and have a drink?'
    The man accepted. One thing lead to another and the next thing he knew he was in bed with the blonde, making mad passionate love.
    "Oh God", he thought what have I done. "I must get home."
    But as circumstances were, he soon fell off to sleep.
    Suddenly he woke up at 7.00 a.m. Panicking, he got dressed, grabbed his bucket of snails and starting running home.
    He nearly got to the back door, when he fell over and all the snails fell out of the bucket. He got up and started brushing himself off.
    Next thing, his wife come out of the back door, yelling "Where the hell have you been?!"
    The husband bends down, waves to the snails and says,
    "Come on boys, we're nearly there."

  10. #135
    Cyburbian JNL's avatar
    Jul 2002
    Wellington, NZ
    1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
    Female......Any part under a car's hood
    Male.......The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

    2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
    Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
    Male........Playing cricket without a protector

    3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
    Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner
    Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys

    4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
    Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family
    Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

    5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
    Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
    Male........Anything that can be done while drinking and ends with s.e,x.

    6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
    Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
    Male........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

    7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
    Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
    Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up having s,e.x.

    8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
    Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
    Male.........A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 5 minutes.

  11. #136
    Cyburbian Queen B's avatar
    Mar 2003
    "Somewhere in the middle"

    Just some funny's

    1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.

    2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve
    you, but don't start anything."

    3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we
    don't serve food in here."

    4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
    and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

    6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The
    ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

    7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
    "Does this taste funny to you?"

    8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of
    home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

    9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says
    to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." " I don't
    believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

    10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap
    shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

    11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
    electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies,
    "Yes, I'm positive..."

    12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit

    13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
    cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet,
    "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
    then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him
    "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

    14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And
    there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my
    mum or my dad or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother,Ho-Cha Chu.
    But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

    15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
    couldn't find any.

    16. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50.
    that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are to high.

    17. A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He
    shouted, "Doctor doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms".

    18. I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a

    19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they
    lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
    have your kayak and heat it too.

    20. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the
    problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um...well... I have five penises"
    replies the man. Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
    It is all a matter of perspective!!!

  12. #137
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
    Jul 2002


    A teacher was arrested this week for having possession of compasses, a protractor, and a straight edge. The arrest warrant says she is a member of the Al Gebra movement bearing weapons of math instruction.

  13. #138
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
    Nov 2002
    Paris of Appalachia
    A married couple was in a terrible wreck where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.After all, this was a very delicate matter.

    After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

    One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome withemotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

    "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

  14. #139
    Jan 2003
    Santiago, Chile

    good one biscuit!

    I was scared that the genies joke could have disappeared with the forum crash, but it survived Damn it's a good joke :-P

  15. #140
    May 2003
    St. Louis, MO
    Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.

    Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

    Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

    Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet.

    Well, it was an immediate hit.

    They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

    Their first night there, she undresses as he does.

    There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

    Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?"

    She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

    He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

    The following night the same scenario.

    She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit .... except that he is wearing a black condom.

    She looks at him and asks: "What's with this ... a black condom?"

    He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

  16. #141
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
    Jul 2002


    The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
    generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse,
    the best strategy is to dismount.

    In modern corporate America and government, however, a whole range of far
    more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

    1. Buying a stronger whip.

    2. Changing riders.

    3. Threatening the horse with termination.

    4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

    5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead

    6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

    7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living impaired."

    8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

    9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.

    10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead
    horse's performance.

    11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
    dead horse's performance.

    12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
    costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially
    to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

    13. Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses.

    14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

  17. #142
    Cyburbian tsc's avatar
    Oct 2002
    Under the Table
    Blog entries
    This is a repost from my boat posting website...i think it applies to almost all post board sites.....

    Q: How many Mac26x message forum readers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: 826

    1 to change the light bulb and to post to the list that the light bulb has been changed.

    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs; and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs in the proximity of water.

    27 to point out typing errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

    53 to flame the typing checkers.

    41 to point out typing errors in the flames.

    6 to argue over whether it is "lightbulb" or "light bulb"; another 6 to condemn these 6 as anal-retentive.

    109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this exchange elsewhere.

    111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant.

    306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

    27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

    14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and to post the corrected URLs.

    44 to ask what is an URL.

    12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

    4 to say "We went through this already a short time ago and to check the archives"

    43 to ask what is the archive?
    "Yeehaw!" is not a foreign policy

    Renovating the '62 Metzendorf

  18. #143
    Forums Administrator & Gallery Moderator NHPlanner's avatar
    Apr 1996
    New Hampshire

    One to forward to all your Police Chiefs....

    I wish this were the case....

    Police Voice Mail
    "Growth is inevitable and desirable, but destruction of community character is not. The question is not whether your part of the world is going to change. The question is how." -- Edward T. McMahon, The Conservation Fund

  19. #144
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
    Nov 2002
    Paris of Appalachia

  20. #145
    Cyburbian SlaveToTheGrind's avatar
    Jul 2003
    Wherever I May Roam
    Originally posted by biscuit
    The dangers of drinking
    How true. My friends used to say you can drink an ugly girl pretty but you can't drink a fat girl skinny.

    Not that there is anything wrong with being fat or ugly.

  21. #146
    Cyburbian Rem's avatar
    Jun 2003
    NSW, Australia
    A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,

    "I look horrible, all fat 'n ugly - but I have good things going for me don't I honey, pay me a compliment".

    The husband replies "OK, your eyesight's spot on".

  22. #147
    Cyburbian H's avatar
    Feb 2003

    The wisdom of children :)


    You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
    Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and
    she should keep the chips and dip coming.
    Alan, age 10

    No person really decides before they grow up who
    they're going to marry.
    God decides it all way before, and you get to find
    out later who you're stuck with.
    Kirsten, age 10



    Twenty-three is the best age because you know the
    person FOREVER by then.
    Camille, age 10



    You might have to guess, based on whether they seem
    to be yelling at the same kids.
    Derrick, age


    Both don't want any more kids.
    Lori, age



    Dates are for having fun, and people should use them
    to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen
    long enough.
    Lynnette, age


    On the first date, they just tell each other lies,
    and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
    Martin, age 10



    I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call
    all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
    Craig, age



    When they're rich.
    Pam, age 7


    The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't
    want to mess with that.
    Curt, age


    The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then
    you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
    Howard, age 8



    It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
    Boys need someone to clean up after them.
    Anita, age



    There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,
    wouldn't there?
    Kelvin, age 9

    and my personal favorite....


    Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
    Ricky, age 10
    "Those who plan do better than those who do not plan, even though they rarely stick to their plan." - Winston Churchill

  23. #148
    Cyburbian Rem's avatar
    Jun 2003
    NSW, Australia

    Why Men Shouldn't Babysit

    Sorry guys - I still can't work out how to embed images. These are funny though.

    Moderator note:
    Image links broken

  24. #149
    This is an old favorite in our office:

    An American engineer and architect decide to take a side trip to the remotest part of Brazil after meeting with their clients.

    (Sorry, American architects and engineers.)

    Ignoring the advice of their guide, they strike out down a path alone into the rainforest. Sure enough, they become hopelessly lost. After a night of misery huddled under the canopy of trees they set out again. After walking a few hours in the heat and humidity, they stumble onto a village of native peoples. Their relief is short-lived however, when they realize the natives are not at all friendly.

    After the tribal leader interrogates the two Americans, he finds them guilty of trespassing on tribal lands. The architect is given his choice of sentences: death or bobaloobah. The architect does not want to die, so he chooses bobaloobah. The men of the tribe go into a wild frenzy while the women scream ear-piercing sounds. The architect is buggered to within 3/32" of his life. The leader claps his hands and the buggering stops. The architect lies bleeding and broken on the jungle floor.

    The leader then turns to the engineer and offers the same choice of sentences: death or bobaloobah? Having witnessed the horror that had just befallen his friend, the engineer swallows hard and says "Death!"

    Okay, says the leader: Death, by bobaloobah!
    Labor is prior to, and independent of, capital. Capital is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed if labor had not first existed. Labor is the superior of capital, and deserves much the higher consideration.
    Abraham Lincoln

  25. #150
    Cyburbian JNL's avatar
    Jul 2002
    Wellington, NZ

    Children's own stories

    The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between fifth and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers.

    Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who
    all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of
    the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.


    Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
    unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on
    Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever
    reached Canada but the commandos made it.


    Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was
    an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds
    like he was sort of busy too.


    The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
    wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female


    Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving
    people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock
    which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a
    dramatic decline.


    In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
    biscuits,and threw the java. The games were messier then than they
    show on tv now.


    Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
    Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made

    Dying, he gasped out: "Same to you, Brutus."


    Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw
    for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have


    Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a
    success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted
    "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.


    It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
    invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
    circulation of blood.


    Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
    cigarettes and started smoking.


    Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper
    which was very dangerous to all his men.


    The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He
    was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made
    much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
    comedies,and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.


    Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. They lived in

    Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was having
    none of that that I'm sure. You know how Italian fathers are.


    Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
    wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
    Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.


    Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
    Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers
    of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by
    rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided
    against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in
    1790 and is still dead.


    Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
    mother died in infancy,and he was born in a log cabin which he built with
    his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
    Emasculation Proclamation.


    On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
    shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They
    believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.
    This ruined Booth's career.


    Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
    number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which
    he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was
    the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half
    German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.


    Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that
    he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took
    long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.
    Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.


    The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
    inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
    reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of
    rivers to spring up.


    Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of
    a hundred men.


    Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.


    Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species.
    It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it
    was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just
    24 hours but without watches -who knew anyhow? I don't get it.


    Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what
    she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't
    get to find radios because they were already taken.


    Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the
    movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the
    family had to have a job, I guess

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