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Thread: Bad Planner Poetry Contest

  1. #1
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
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    Bad Planner Poetry Contest

    Somene had a good idea recently - a bad poetry contest. We've had haiku contests in the past, but lets make this one open to all forms of rhyming/non-rhyming poetry. The only requirement is, is that it must be BAD. I'm not going to do the first submission this time.
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

  2. #2
    Cyburbian Wannaplan?'s avatar
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    We are to write our own bad poetry?!!!! FUN! Let me be the first:

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    There is one thing in life that I definitely dread
    And that's eating beef stew

  3. #3
    Cyburbian Seabishop's avatar
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    I guess we can't just use "Your Body is a Wonderland" by John Mayer?


    We got the afternoon
    You got this room for two
    One thing I've left to do
    Discover me
    Discovering you

    One mile to every inch of
    Your skin like porcelain
    One pair of candy lips and
    Your bubblegum tongue

    And if you want love
    We'll make it
    Swimming a deep sea
    Of blankets
    Take all your big plans
    And break 'em
    This is bound to be a while

    Your body Is a wonderland
    Your body is a wonder
    (I'll use my hands)
    Your body Is a wonderland

    Something 'bout the way your hair
    falls in your face
    I love the shape you take when crawling
    towards the pillowcase
    You tell me where to go and
    Though I might leave to find it
    I'll never let your head hit the bed
    Without my hand behind it

    You want love?
    We'll make it
    Swimming a deep sea
    Of blankets
    Take all your big plans
    And break 'em
    This is bound to be a while
    Your body Is a wonderland
    Your body is a wonder
    (I'll use my hands)
    Your body Is a wonderland

    Damn baby
    You frustrate me
    I know you're mine all mine all mine
    But you look so good it hurts sometimes

    Your body Is a wonderland
    Your body is a wonder
    (I'll use my hands)
    Your body is a wonderland
    Your body Is a wonderland

  4. #4
    Cyburbian Planderella's avatar
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    There was this user who posted, what I thought was, really bad poetry, but she had some stalker issues and has since disappeared from Cyburbia.

    Edit: I found one of her poems...

    http://www.cyburbia.org/forums/showp...3&postcount=19

    I watch the limp, soft dirt
    of typical landscapes.
    I yawn in disappointment.
    yet, slowly
    and methodically,
    a foreplay
    of parts assembled
    there rising
    upon this mound.
    beams erect,
    a monolith
    hard and vertical
    impaling the sky
    yelling,
    "I'm here!
    Swallow me you sky!"

    blame me, I had to satisfy
    my planner's erotic jollies
    with a staff report to vanquish
    a corner yawner.
    Now I drool and dream
    a moist pleasure
    to commute past
    my vertical desire
    a thing so big
    and erect,
    so hard
    and large
    oh my!
    Last edited by Planderella; 13 Jan 2005 at 9:46 AM.
    "A witty woman is a treasure, a witty beauty is a power!"

  5. #5
    Cyburbian Seabishop's avatar
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    If there's one thing in life I'm confident about, its the ability to whip up bad poetry.

    Love Conquers Hate

    The devil screams from beneath the fog
    Are we trapped in the mucky bog . . . of hate?
    Fire shooting from his fingernails
    Anguished torrents of flaming hail
    What can our love do but wait?
    But love . . . love is love most high
    Sparrows singing by and by
    When we fly on the clouds of our love
    Tasting the tears of our bliss
    Feel the warmth of my caress
    Your desire surrounds me like a glove


    The Broken Home

    The broken home
    I'm left all alone
    A cub left to fend
    In a pool of my tears
    Surrounded by fears
    There's no need to pretend
    Why do they hurt?
    Why do they sting?
    Daggers thrust into open wounds
    Down . . . down . . . the river of pain
    My brain now becomes insane
    Rain falls on my blackened bed
    A schizm of hate on a picnic of dread
    Left all alone
    In this lonely broken home

  6. #6
    Cyburbian Wannaplan?'s avatar
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    A pandemic of putrid love
    You left me!
    envelopes the left ventricle
    Empty and vacuous!
    of my somberly broken heart
    Your soul needs repairs!
    only to be forcefully extinguished
    The fire does not burn anymore!
    by the redeeming hoses
    Cuckold!
    of the metaphors that fill my spastic lonely mind.

  7. #7
    Cyburbian Zoning Goddess's avatar
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    400 miles from Orlando
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    Ode to a Pine Tree

    You grew, you fell, you conquered
    crushing my abode
    Crushing timbers, roof and walls
    like stepping on a toad

    Oh mighty pine tree!
    at the end of my septic field
    Only in hellacious winds
    did your shallow roots thus yield

    So what is left, naught but a hole
    which I have filled with sand
    To mark the spot of Charley's wrath
    where once this tree did stand

    'Tis said there's nothing as lovely
    as one of nature's trees
    But here in Florida a roofer
    is the loveliest sight one sees

    Oh mighty roofer!
    bring your shingles here
    My insurance will pay you more
    than my neighbor's, never fear

  8. #8
    Cyburbian Seabishop's avatar
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    [QUOTE=Wanigas?]A pandemic of putrid love

    You, my friend, are a genius of pretension! - The medical terms, the call and response, "pandemic" and "putrid" both in one line. Members of this forum are going to have to suck really badly to outdo that one.

  9. #9
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Wanigas?
    A pandemic of putrid love
    You left me!
    envelopes the left ventricle
    Empty and vacuous!
    of my somberly broken heart
    Your soul needs repairs!
    only to be forcefully extinguished
    The fire does not burn anymore!
    by the redeeming hoses
    Cuckold!
    of the metaphors that fill my spastic lonely mind.
    I'm SERIUOSLY tempted to say 'ding ding ding - we have a winner'. But will (with great effort) withold until we've had a few more entries.

    This poem hits all the important points for hallmark bad poetry: pretentious and angst ridden....uses indentation to mimic 'form'....selfishly personal orientation to the theme....doesn't really 'mean' anything.....
    You guys have your work cut out for you if you want to top this one (but great, er, bad(?) efforts so far.
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

  10. #10
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    poetry

    I thought this was for poetry for bad planners.
    WALSTIB

  11. #11
    Cyburbian Wannaplan?'s avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Seabishop
    You, my friend, are a genius of pretension!
    Quote Originally posted by Maister
    You guys have your work cut out for you if you want to top this one (but great, er, bad(?) efforts so far.
    Awww, shucks, thanks a bunch you guys!

  12. #12
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Tom R
    I thought this was for poetry for bad planners.
    LOL!!! I write the following 'planner gone bad' poem in your honor:

    APPLICATION DENIED

    Lurking in the alley
    brass knuckles on my hand
    waiting for a certain developer
    who wants to rape the land

    Recieved your application
    (in triplicate as required)
    I'll give you my response now
    (for tomorrow I'll be fired)

    Feel that sting, Boy?
    that's pride f-ing with your head
    Don't worry about submitting any revisions
    'Cuz soon you will be dead

    I've reviewed my last set of plans
    And after considering all
    I've decided that this developer
    Won't build his stinkin' strip mall
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

  13. #13
    Cyburbian Plus JNA's avatar
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    Maister -
    that is not even bad enough to be bad. (sorry Bad Planners)
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  14. #14
    Cyburbian munibulldog's avatar
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    black ink on paper
    shows plans, dreams, hopes for fortune
    a red pen slashes

  15. #15
    Cyburbian Wannaplan?'s avatar
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    I channelled both Toby Keith and Lynard Skynard to come up with this haiku-like piece of crap:

    American Values?

    God haters
    Nazis of nature
    Blue staters

  16. #16
    I watch the river flow
    flow, river, flow!
    I watch the waters rise
    rise, waters, rise!
    I watch the people run
    run, people, run!
    I watch homes float away
    float, homes, float!
    I watch the waters recede
    recede, waters, recede!
    I watch the people return
    cry, people, cry!
    I watch the government pay
    pay, government, pay!
    I watch the people rebuild
    Hammer, people, hammer!
    I watch the river flow
    rain's in the forecast

    (Now, if that's not glurge, you don't know glurge )
    Je suis Charlie

  17. #17
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    my womb is the wellspring
    of a beautiful river
    a river of red
    no man can stop its flow
    no man can stop its flow
    let your garden grow womon
    no man shall mow its lawn
    no man shall mow its lawn
    no man shall take away
    our gifts from the Goddess
    our gifts from the Goddess


    (It's not necessarily planning-related, but who are you men to question it? Blessed be! Blessed be! )
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  18. #18
    Cyburbian Floridays's avatar
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    My stamp, my stamp, you've come for my stamp
    Oh my senses are alive and quivering
    As I caress the pages of your building plans
    Imagining the erect structure rising
    To its full and maximum limits.

    The big machine is moving dirt and sand,
    I gasp at the sight of its powerful engines
    Plunging again and again, deeper and deeper
    Until it comes to a quiet rest, its motor purring
    In mute satisfaction.

    Look...look...up at the sky!
    The hardened steel structure grows and grows
    Moaning and swaying in the gentle sea air
    Until at last its climax -- uh, I mean...apex is complete
    And it's time to go home.

  19. #19
    Unfrozen Caveman Planner mendelman's avatar
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    Staff meeting
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    Walked
    A
    Desolate
    Abandoned
    Street

    With
    Only
    Plywood
    My
    Friend.
    I'm sorry. Is my bias showing?

    The ends can justify the means.

  20. #20
    Cyburbian Tom R's avatar
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    poetry

    Quote Originally posted by Maister
    LOL!!! I write the following 'planner gone bad' poem in your honor:

    APPLICATION DENIED
    ......

    I've reviewed my last set of plans
    And after considering all
    I've decided that this developer
    Won't build his stinkin' strip mall
    I'm humbled. No, really, I am. But it goes with one of my favorite lines:
    "My only source of job satisfaction is stopping projects like this one."
    WALSTIB

  21. #21
    Cyburbian
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    Well I suck at poetry so let me improv a bit....

    Bad Planner, Bad Planner
    Whatcha gonna do when the NIMBYs come for you.



    I'm totally uninspired.. Teh Internets is eating up my brian.

  22. #22
    Cyburbian Plus JNA's avatar
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    For the want of a Owner's Signature, the Plat was lost;
    For want of the Plat, the Approval was lost;
    For want of the Approval, the Funding Grant was lost;
    For want of the Funding Grant, the Redevelopment was lost;
    For want of the Redevelopment, the Neighborhood was lost,
    and all for the want of a Owner's Signature.



    So, ok not really original but bad, so there
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  23. #23
    Off-topic:
    We need to put this to a poll. I don't trust no stinkin gubmint boor-0-crat to make the decision.
    Je suis Charlie

  24. #24
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
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    I can see already this is going to have to be one of those 'Parade of Roses' type awards ceremonies (you know - Mayor's Award for Most Creative Use of Chrysanthemums or Best Use of Technology)
    Wanigas gets "Worst Overall" (for 'Pandemic') and "Least Original" (for Roses are Red) and ties for "Worst Meter" (Roses are Red)
    I was going to award myself "In Poorest Taste" but Dan clearly walked away with that one.
    Gedunker gets "Most Insipid" (for 'River')
    ZG gets both "Worst Simile" and ties with Wanigas for "Worst Meter" (for Ode to a Pine Tree)
    Mendelman gets "Most Cryptic"
    Skel gets "Least Inspired"
    Floridays narrowly beats off competition from Planderella for "Most Likely to Cause Others to Soil Perfectly Good Keyboard"
    and Seabishop handily walks away with the "Best Expression of 15 Year Old Girl Angst"
    Munibulldog get "Most Mercifully Short"
    and JNA is disqualified from competition for submitting something actually Good. You bring shame to Bad Planner Poets all over the world!

    You all made it quite difficult to decide, as most of your submissions really sucked, but there you have it.
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

  25. #25
    Cyburbian
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    Quote Originally posted by Maister
    Skel gets "Least Inspired"
    You all made it quite difficult to decide, as most of your submissions really sucked, but there you have it.
    Wow.. a prize... why thank you!
    Oh and wasn't it the idea that they had to suck? I at least tried to make it funny, but got miserably beaten by Floridays and Planderella.

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