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Thread: The Great Leap Backward: (State of the Union)

  1. #1

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    The Great Leap Backward: (State of the Union)

    I thought this was cute (From Jesus' General):

    The Great Leap Backward
    Tonight, Our Leader gives his first major speech since the official launch of the Glorious Conservative Cultural Revolution. I'm sure that it will be a speech that will be remembered long after we're gone. It will a speech that will be required reading for generations of history students. It will be a speech that will be forever compared to such stemwinders as Calvin Coolidge's' Remarks to the Akron Rotary and Brigham Young's Great Tirade Against the Evils of Dominoes.

    That said, I think I have a few ideas to make it even better.

    The Theme

    Every great speech has a theme. Our Leader should shape his speech in a way that reminds us of his glorious victories and urges us forward in pursuit of his goals. In the last four years, he implemented a foreign policy based on the values of the McKinley Presidency and gave us an economy reminiscent of Hoover's America. The domestic agenda he will outline tonight will also hearken back these golden eras of Victorian puritanism and social Darwinism. Indeed, it will be a return to earlier values, a Great Leap Backward if you will. That should be his theme.

    Social Security

    Our Leader's plan to undermine the New Deal is faltering. He needs to inject his Social Security initiative with the tonic of fear to nurse it back to health. With that in mind, I've created the following talking points.

    1. Social Security will kill you. Nine out of ten people will die within twenty years of the time they start collecting it.

    2. Social security supports terrorists. Somewhere, a member of the Weather Underground is waiting for his check to arrive so that he can buy groceries and maybe even the parts for a bomb.

    3. There were social security checks on the planes that hit the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.

    4. Social security has weapons of mass destruction. Sure, logic tells us that social security is a concept and is therefore incapable of possessing anything, but Ahmad Chalabi tells me it has them.

    5. Social Security is trying to homosexualize our children by promoting its pansexual philosophy.

    6. Yes, my efforts to sell my plan to Congress are failing. I've fired the person responsible. Donald Runsfeld will now take over. I'm sure he'll repeat the many successes he had at the Pentagon.

    Family Policy

    1. I'm a virgin. My twin daughters, Jenna and Jenna's sister, are both virgins. And my wife became a born again virgin after she ran over the last guy who had sex with her. We want all of you to be virgins too.

    2. We need to build strong family relationships. I come from very close family. In fact, we're so close, we all look alike (except the brown ones in Florida). My mother looks like Barney and my daughters look like my brother, Neal.

    3. Abortions should only be available for your Honduran maid.

    4. If you're ever in Thailand, don't open your hotel door.

    5. Ny-Quil and aspirin will give you a buzz.

    6. NSFW (removed)

    Foreign Policy

    1. Our mission is still accomplished in Iraq.

    2. Iran harbors terrorists, possesses weapons of mass destruction, and hates freedom. We should invade and torture them.

    3. Massachusetts harbors terrorists, possesses weapons of mass destruction, and hates freedom. We should invade and torture them.

    4. Cartoonland harbors terrorists, possesses weapons of mass destruction, and hates freedom. We should invade and torture them.

    5. Spongebob Squarepants hates America.

    Economic Policy

    1. Welcome to the ownership society. If you have not been assigned an owner yet, please report to Iran for duty.

  2. #2
    I would say "right on!" but since homwland security is monitoring my e-mail I will say "how unpatriotic!" There shall be NO desent from the kings way of thinking!

  3. #3
    Cyburbian el Guapo's avatar
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    How so very very sad. Let's demonize each other. That will help us solve our jointly shared problems. That's the ticket.

  4. #4
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
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    Next you will be saying that bugs bunny is a nudest because he does not wear pants...
    Not my monkey, not my circus. - Old Polish Proverb

  5. #5
    On a serious note I'd like the Prez to mention what he plans about securing the borders and assimilating the millions who are living in the American underworld that has at least a trillion dollar economy. I do not want to live in a Latin American style economy, sorry libertarians.

  6. #6
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by el Guapo
    How so very very sad. Let's demonize each other. That will help us solve our jointly shared problems. That's the ticket.
    Thank you EG. It astounds me that people waster so much energy writing this crap, and we waste energy rading it.

  7. #7
    Cyburbian jordanb's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by michaelskis
    Next you will be saying that bugs bunny is a nudest because he does not wear pants...
    I bet he's gay.


  8. #8
    Gunfighter Mastiff's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by michaelskis
    Next you will be saying that bugs bunny is a nudest because he does not wear pants...
    Cross-dresser...

    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    C'mon and get me you twist of fate
    I'm standing right here Mr. Destiny
    If you want to talk well then I'll relate
    If you don't so what cause you don't scare me

  9. #9

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    Relax! It's humorous as well as serious. You all write your conservative political diatribes. That takes time and is pretty draining to read, as well. At least he ddoes it in a deliberately offensive and funny way.

    I thought it was just kinda....FUNNY..... that's all. Heck, I can even laugh at Rush.

  10. #10
    Cyburbian The One's avatar
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    The problem is....

    Quote Originally posted by BKM
    Relax! It's humorous as well as serious. You all write your conservative political diatribes. That takes time and is pretty draining to read, as well. At least he ddoes it in a deliberately offensive and funny way.

    I thought it was just kinda....FUNNY..... that's all. Heck, I can even laugh at Rush.
    Not enough smile faces in your original post.......
    I plan on watching absolutely anything else on the tube, or just cleaning the house....If I want jedi mind tricks, I'll watch all the star wars movies again
    Skilled Adoxographer

  11. #11

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    Hmm...a little "short" on content

    As suspected, the "Economic Policy" section of our Leader's message came up short; are we to conclude that we can continue to see our burgeoning deficits monetized by the new "Ownership Society?"

    I'd just like to know as it would give me great comfort knowing that those upper income tax cuts were put to good use.

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