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Thread: Are you prepared for the Rapture?

  1. #1
    Cyburbian el Guapo's avatar
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    Are you prepared for the Rapture?

    Well, then get prepared:

    1. Become an evangelical Christian if you are not already.
    2. Stay abreast of God's plan for the rapture with the Rapture Index
    3. Don't bother packing, cause God's leaving your stuff behind.

    Quote Originally posted by Rapture Index
    The Rapture Index has two functions: one is to factor together a number of related end time components into a cohesive indicator, and the other is to standardize those components to eliminate the wide variance that currently exists with prophecy reporting.

    The Rapture Index is by no means meant to predict the rapture, however, the index is designed to measure the type of activity that could act as a precursor to the rapture.

    You could say the Rapture index is a Dow Jones Industrial Average of end time activity, but I think it would be better if you viewed it as prophetic speedometer. The higher the number, the faster we're moving towards the occurrence of pre-tribulation rapture.

    Rapture Index of 85 and Below: Slow prophetic activity
    Rapture Index of 85 to 110: Moderate prophetic activity
    Rapture Index of 110 to 145: Heavy prophetic activity
    Rapture Index above 145: Fasten your seat belts
    We're sitting at Rapture Index 153

    That's DefCon 5 in Christian. So start unpacking.

  2. #2
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
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    YES! And I just did a good deed today! I feel good about it, and I put conditions on this good deed, so that the person I helped will be in a situation to help someone else someday! YEA!

    I know what I beleave, so I think I will better than OK.

    32 Mark of the Beast:
    Wal-mart is falling behind in its plan to bar code all products
    with radio tags.
    And some people think that Wal*Mart is not evil.
    Not my monkey, not my circus. - Old Polish Proverb

  3. #3
    Cyburbian zman's avatar
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    I say, let the sin begin...

    I'll start with allowing adult uses within 50 of city hall...
    You get all squeezed up inside/Like the days were carved in stone/You get all wired up inside/And it's bad to be alone

    You can go out, you can take a ride/And when you get out on your own/You get all smoothed out inside/And it's good to be alone
    -Peart

  4. #4
    Cyburbian Plus Zoning Goddess's avatar
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    Occult:
    A study by City University of New York noted a jump in the
    number of adult Pagans, from 8,000 in 1990 to 274,000 in 2001.

    I like this indicator. Wonder what caused the great leap in paganism??

  5. #5
    Cyburbian
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    Let me guess after the new pope is elected, the Rapture "speedometer" will go quickly down to 85 or less.

    Can I use this as exibit A for proving that evangelicals are nutcases? (Sorry Evangelicals)


    Oh and one last thing: What is the rapture you preach of?

  6. #6
    Member JLA's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by el Guapo
    Well, then get prepared:

    1. Become an evangelical Christian if you are not already.
    2. Stay abreast of God's plan for the rapture with the Rapture Index
    3. Don't bother packing, cause God's leaving your stuff behind.

    We're sitting at Rapture Index 153

    That's DefCon 5 in Christian. So start unpacking.
    Wow...I wonder if I could get a Rapture Index to stream across the bottom of my monitor...you know, like how day traders used to follow the Dow, Nasdaq, and other market indices back in the 90s. I could even test it by looking adoringly at the tree outside my window like a godless Druid to see if I can make it go up.

  7. #7
    Unfrozen Caveman Planner mendelman's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by SkeLeton
    Let me guess after the new pope is elected, the Rapture "speedometer" will go quickly down to 85 or less.
    Actually...the election of a new pope would raise the Rapture Index because it would be a reaffirmation of the Catholic Church. Many Evangelicals think catholics are sinners and going to hell anyway.
    I'm sorry. Is my bias showing?

    Let's not be didactic in this profession, because that is a path to disillusion and irrelevancy.

    Six seasons and a movie!

  8. #8
    Cyburbian The One's avatar
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    why....

    Obvious reason why the "Administration" is doing whatever they want without any regard for the truth. Also why they could care less how hypocritic they are being......
    Skilled Adoxographer

  9. #9
    Cyburbian Duke Of Dystopia's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Zoning Goddess
    Occult:
    A study by City University of New York noted a jump in the
    number of adult Pagans, from 8,000 in 1990 to 274,000 in 2001.

    I like this indicator. Wonder what caused the great leap in paganism??
    HE HE!

    Ever try to make logical sense of a sermon?

    Could it be that Pagans in greater numbers always existed in this country?

    What makes abrahamic types think they have the market cornered on metaphysical truth?

    How about the fact that people are waking up to the fact that judeo-christian proof is a hodge podge of dogmatic belief that was invented to keep people in line?

    I can't wait for the rapture personally, just think of all the rightous bastards that will NOT be taken and will ultimatly be VERY disapointed! That would be a riot!

    The rapture index will go up with the death of the next pope, but it will go up. Read this!

    Prophecy of St Malachy

    http://www.catholic-pages.com/grabbag/malachy.asp

    work safe
    Last edited by NHPlanner; 01 Mar 2005 at 1:59 PM.
    I can't deliver UTOPIA, but I can create a HELL for you to LIVE in :)DoD:(

  10. #10
    I am so sick of hearing about this rapture crap! I do not believe in it, but if it did happen that some people get "taken" while driving, etc, I will be the first to move into their houses and drive their cars.

  11. #11
          Downtown's avatar
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    Well, when the Rapture does come, don't worry, I've put you all on the Rapture Letter List , as seen on the Daily Show, so that you won't worry about where I've disappeared to.

  12. #12
    Cyburbian el Guapo's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Ass Planner
    I am so sick of hearing about this rapture crap! I do not believe in it, but if it did happen that some people get "taken" while driving, etc, I will be the first to move into their houses and drive their cars.
    That is exactly the attitude that will get you left on earth to endure the plagues, walking dead, demons and lake of fire young lady. Now, let's try to put on our "We're happy cause the Baby Jesus is coming through the door any minute now" face. Ok? That's my girl.

  13. #13

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    Ah, but it WON'T be the BABY JESUS this TIME! It will be the MANLY #$##*&*^^-Kickin' Jesus, like Doctor James "Puppy Torturer and Rod of Correction" Dobson.

    Liberals forget that Christianity (and all of the Abrahamic religions) is NOT the peace and love religion they want it to be (and that, conversely, the nutcases ignore in THEIR OWN selective reading). Jehovah=Genocide in the Old Testament. This is a God that instructed one of his most devoted followers to offer up his own son.

    Lake of Fire, here I come?

    (That's why I feebly lean towards Gnosticism. It explains the

  14. #14
    Cyburbian
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    Quote Originally posted by Downtown
    Well, when the Rapture does come, don't worry, I've put you all on the Rapture Letter List , as seen on the Daily Show, so that you won't worry about where I've disappeared to.
    So where do I sign for some Christian fundie spam? (sorry Christian Fundies)

    So will the rapture include awesome special effects like the movie The Forgotten? That'd be cool to see...while I'm vacationing by a lake of fire and being chased by zombies and whatever...

  15. #15
    Cyburbian mgk920's avatar
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    Hmmmm, the famous internet legend essay question (perportedly from a physics exam):

    Is Hell endothermic or is Hell exothermic? Support your conclusion.

    I don't recall the exact wording of the famous several paragraph essay response, but it went something like:

    Since every religious group believes that those who do not follow their teachings and preachings is going to go to Hell and there is more than one religous group, then it can be reasonably concluded that all souls are going to go to Hell. With that, it must then be determined whether the size of Hell is increasing and if so, at what rate.

    If the rate of expansion of Hell is faster than the rate at which all souls enter it, then the pressure inside Hell will be continually declining. With that decline in pressure, the temperature inside Hell will also decrease until Hell freezes over.

    If the rate of expansion of Hell is less than the rate at which all souls enter it, or even negative, then the pressure and temperature inside Hell will continue to increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    Mike

  16. #16
    Go to "heaven" already. For the last couple of years I've been actively deprogramming my brain of bible stuff, it's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I just hope I'm cleansed enough for Europe to accept me .

  17. #17
    Quote Originally posted by el Guapo
    That is exactly the attitude that will get you left on earth to endure the plagues, walking dead, demons and lake of fire young lady. Now, let's try to put on our "We're happy cause the Baby Jesus is coming through the door any minute now" face. Ok? That's my girl.
    I better "get ready" then, because I don't want to be "left behind"....as if there was anything I could do....

  18. #18
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by mgk920
    Hmmmm, the famous internet legend essay question (perportedly from a physics exam):

    Is Hell endothermic or is Hell exothermic? Support your conclusion.
    That is posted in at least two places in this forum, including this thread: Proof about He!! being endothermic or exothermic (There seems to be a slightly different version in the thread How hot is it )

    I don't spend enough time in church. "Rapture" suggests something completely different to me. I prefer to keep it that way.

  19. #19
    jimi_d's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by mendelman
    Actually...the election of a new pope would raise the Rapture Index because it would be a reaffirmation of the Catholic Church. Many Evangelicals think catholics are sinners and going to hell anyway.
    No, it would raise the Rapture Index because the Protty Fundamentalists have a vested interest in proclaiming "the end is nigh". "The end probably isn't going to be for another few thousand years" doesn't have the same ring to it when ir comes to converting people.

  20. #20

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    Quote Originally posted by jimi_d
    No, it would raise the Rapture Index because the Protty Fundamentalists have a vested interest in proclaiming "the end is nigh". "The end probably isn't going to be for another few thousand years" doesn't have the same ring to it when ir comes to converting people.
    "Protty" I like that! You can't build cars or electronics, but you Brits are great with the language

  21. #21
    Unfrozen Caveman Planner mendelman's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by BKM
    This is a God that instructed one of his most devoted followers to offer up his own son.
    On a slightly serious note:
    Come on BKM, you talk about selective reading/interpretation, then in the same breath you say the above. Talk about selective reading/interpretation of that story.

    As for the fire and brimstone Fundies, they totally miss the point of what Christ taught (love, acceptance, tolerance, peace, etc.). He was the original hippie.

    And yes...the God of the Old Testament was much more "angry" than the God of the New Testament.

    Quote Originally posted by The Irish One
    For the last couple of years I've been actively deprogramming my brain of bible stuff,
    Don't you mean...Organized Religion stuff...the Bible is a nice collection of stories and moral teachings.
    Last edited by mendelman; 01 Mar 2005 at 5:24 PM.
    I'm sorry. Is my bias showing?

    Let's not be didactic in this profession, because that is a path to disillusion and irrelevancy.

    Six seasons and a movie!

  22. #22

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    Reminds me of a great bumper sticker I saw recently: "In the event of the Rapture, can I have your car?"

  23. #23
    Cyburbian boiker's avatar
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    Mendelman is on the money. To me.. the Bible has two parts.

    The explanation of why. = Old Testament
    The fair and equitable way to treat each other = New Testament

    The Old Testament in many parts seems to be a way of describing why things are the way they are. Why the deserts exists, why we sometimes suffer and are subject to hardship, How the stars stay in the sky and day changes to night. Prior to advanced sciences (read: 1500AD) we couldn't explain crap about the world we lived in. I think the old why stories offered a reasonable explanation for why things are the way they are. Other stories stressed old family structure ideals that placed the male in firm control of all situations.

    The New Testamant taught us to be free, man. Not to concern ourselves with worldly possessions, man. The groovy thing was to love each other, respect each other, take care of each other, man. Yes, Jesus had to be a hippy. He went on hunger strikes, fasts, threw a fit against the MAN and TAXES, and only asked for tolerance of everyone.
    Dude, I'm cheesing so hard right now.

  24. #24
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
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    OK....sandwiches....extra bottle of water....directions.....condoms....emergency phone number...seat cushions.....tire iron...yep, all prepared!
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

  25. #25

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    Quote Originally posted by boiker
    Mendelman is on the money. To me.. the Bible has two parts.

    The explanation of why. = Old Testament
    The fair and equitable way to treat each other = New Testament...

    The New Testamant taught us to be free, man. Not to concern ourselves with worldly possessions, man. The groovy thing was to love each other, respect each other, take care of each other, man. Yes, Jesus had to be a hippy. He went on hunger strikes, fasts, threw a fit against the MAN and TAXES, and only asked for tolerance of everyone.
    I would buy into your point except for the unpleasant ramblings of Paul (aka Saul) in the New Testament. Methinks he had quite a lot of trouble wtih women.

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