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Thread: Contest - Write the News STORY to go with this photo

  1. #1
    Cyburbian el Guapo's avatar
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    Contest - Write the News STORY to go with this photo

    I love this one.
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails smokinglady.jpg  
    el Guapo is a former 20 year +/- urban planner (just like you).

  2. #2
    Cyburbian DetroitPlanner's avatar
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    Oh man now thats pathetic, what is wrong with people!

    "You might be a redneck if you get your pitcher (sp) in the paper smoking a lucky strike while pregnant and being concerned about construction noise!"

  3. #3
    Cyburbian dandy_warhol's avatar
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    "Mellisa Williamson, 35, a Bullitt Avenue resident, worries that the nearby jackhammers will harm her unborn child. 'I was just sittin' down in my barca-lounger with my beer and my cigarette when them jackhammers scared the [expletive] out of me,' said Williamson. 'It scared me so bad that I almost spilt my beer that was sitting on my stomach,' Williamson continued. 'What if the beer had ruined my 'BUN IN THE OVEN' t-shirt?? Those construction guys would've had to buy me a new shirt and a new six-pack.' A fund for the unborn child has been set up. Please make donations to The March of Dimes."
    In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. -Martin Luther King Jr.

  4. #4
    Cyburbian Floridays's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by dandy_warhol
    "Mellisa Williamson, 35, a Bullitt Avenue resident, worries that the nearby jackhammers will harm her unborn child. 'I was just sittin' down in my barca-lounger with my beer and my cigarette when them jackhammers scared the [expletive] out of me,' said Williamson. 'It scared me so bad that I almost spilt my beer that was sitting on my stomach,' Williamson continued. 'What if the beer had ruined my 'BUN IN THE OVEN' t-shirt?? Those construction guys would've had to buy me a new shirt and a new six-pack.' A fund for the unborn child has been set up. Please make donations to The March of Dimes."
    You win! (this is hilarious!)

  5. #5
    Cyburbian boiker's avatar
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    For the last 4 weeks, the sound of construction crews chattering, equipment carrying debris away, and jackhammers being operated have disturbed the otherwise quiet and peaceful neighborhood on Bullitt Avenue. "All day from 9 am to 5pm... all I hear is construction." quiped a frustrated Melissa Williamson. "I don't know how much longer we can take it," she says referring to herself and her unborn child. She has good reason to be concerned too.

    A recenet study performed by the National Audiological Research Institute has shown that exposure to construction noise could result in damage to an unborn fetus. The report states explicitly that the concussion produced by jackhammers could affect brain development in unborn children. The retardation results in a rather debilitation condition known as infancy. Test moms, who had just concieved, were subjected to 4 hours of jack hammering noises which were emitted unidirectionally, through a wall, and onto the moms belly 500 feet away. After an average of 40 weeks of this exposure, the mom would violently and suddenly experience intense muscle contraction in her lower abdomen which resulted in childbirth. The newly born children consistantly showed the same results: little hair, inability to vocalize needs, excessive crying, and incontinence.

    "I'm holding the construction crew personally and financially responsible if my baby ends up that way," continued the 6th-time mother as she took a drag off her cigarette. Repeated calls to the subcontractor resulted in hysterical laughter. No comments were provided. "I don't know how we'll make it if I have have another child to suffer from infancy," Mellissa concluded.

    Construction is expected to conclude next week and then Melissa and the residents of Bullitt Avenue will be able to relax to normal, safe neighborhood sounds of impact drills, country music, rebel yells, and shotgun fire.

  6. #6
    Unfrozen Caveman Planner mendelman's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by boiker
    For the last 4 weeks, the sound of construction crews..[snip]..will be able to relax to normal, safe neighborhood sounds of impact drills, country music, rebel yells, and shotgun fire.
    That is The Onion quality, sir.

    Mmmmmm.....that's good satire....
    I'm sorry. Is my bias showing?

    Every day is today. Yesterday is a myth and tomorrow an illusion.

    You know...for kids.

  7. #7
    Cyburbian donk's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by boiker
    Construction is expected to conclude next week and then Melissa and the residents of Bullitt Avenue will be able to relax to normal, safe neighborhood sounds of impact drills, country music, rebel yells, and shotgun fire.
    You forgot squealing tires and domestic disputes.
    Too lazy to beat myself up for being to lazy to beat myself up for being too lazy to... well you get the point....

  8. #8
    Cyburbian Trail Nazi's avatar
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    Words can't even describe that beautiful photograph.


    That picture is almost as good as one we took at a wedding where the bride had a cigarette and beer in her hand as she was cutting the cake. Plus, the tent we were in was right next to the chicken coop. No joke.

  9. #9
    This morning at the Center for Mutated Babies, institute director Mellisa Williamson, 35, observed the progress on the Bullitt Avenue traffic enhancement project.

    Designed to increase carbon particulates, many local business owners remain skeptical about the success of this project as a business catalyst.

    Planning officials from Stan & Stan We Ain't Got No Plan asked nearby business to be patient in waiting for the end result.

    Ms. Williamson commented "with increased automobile emissions I may be able to find time to smoke solely for pleasure"

  10. #10
    Cyburbian Zoning Goddess's avatar
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    Somewhat OT: I went thru the last 8 hours of labor with a jackhammer going non-stop on the other side of the wall just a couple feet from my bed. And I am fairly sure my son turned out OK.

  11. #11
    Cyburbian GeogPlanner's avatar
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    Mellisa Williamson, 35, of a Bullitt Avenue cannot take the noise and disruptions anymore. For the past three weeks, Williamson has had to wake up to the 6 am sound of jackhammers and construction vehicles.

    "I just can't take this anymore," Williamson remarks from the corner of Bullitt Avenue and Main Street. Williamson has known this quiet corner for years, spending summer evenings watching the passing traffic hum by and occasionally stop for a quick hello. "This construction has been terrible to life. I can't concentrate at work as a result and I've been making mistakes."

    Williamson who is 7 months pregnant says that the stress is so bad that she's even started smoking again. "I know it's not a good thing but what else do I got?" But Williamson is more concerned about the effect of the noise on her unborn child.

    "My doctor says that my baby is not growing. My momma says that all this here noise is the cause of it. The same thing happened last time I was pregnant. All the noise from the garbage trucks in the morning made me have problems with the baby," says Williamson as she takes appears to enjoy the cigarette she now holds in her hand.
    "A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." --Steve Martin

  12. #12
    Cyburbian Emeritus Bear Up North's avatar
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    Melissa Williamson, 35, of Bullitt Avenue told Roanoke Times Reporter Cletus Throneberry that she cannot take the noise anymore. She indicated that the jackhammer noise could have a serious effect on her unborn child. Williamson indicated that the trouble started three weeks ago, after a curb cut inspection by a city inspector named Stan.

    Bear

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