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Thread: The Invade Canada Thread

  1. #1
    Cyburbian Emeritus Bear Up North's avatar
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    The Invade Canada Thread



    Much has been said, here in the hallways of Cyburbia, Ltd., about the planned invasion of Canada. Since that little military jaunt northward is inevitable, let's take a look at how our former good neighbor will look after the invasion:

    The States
    We have to determine how we divvy-up those giant provinces. The Maritimes will be easy.....they are all about the size of a typical New England state, anyway.

    Quebec and Ontario are probably worthy of becoming a number of smaller states. Let's take the tobacco-growing southwestern Ontario region and call it Erie. The areas adjoining Lake Ontario.....why, let's call it Upper Canada. Take the area north of Toronto and call it Cottageland.

    St. Lawrence will be the long, skinny state that abuts the river of the same name. The far northern areas of both Quebec and Ontario we can keep as a single state, perhaps called Resource. (After all, that's why we are invading, right?)

    Northwestern Ontario will have to change to Superior. The Prairies will have to be divided between north and south.....farm belt/cities and more resources. Need some names.

    I am thinking that North Washington is a nice (and appropriate) name change for British Columbia.

    The Currency
    What the hey....they already have a "dollar". If we assume that the US dollar goes to the current value of the Canadian dollar we will instantly have ample funds to balance the budget, send everybody in Kalamazoo to college, and invade some more countries. Perhaps Chile.

    Culture
    Most "Hollywood" films are now made in Canada. This invasion could ultimately lead to increased production costs in Toronto and Vancouver, so we may need to look at filming New York City-scapes in......Warsaw?

    BTW.....the classic rock group, The Guess Who, will have to change the name of their tune from "She's Come Undone" to "We've Come Undone". "American Woman" is OK the way it is.

    Canadian Tire
    Canadian Tire has gotta go. Most Canucks probably want it to go, anyway. How about "McFormerColonyNowUS Tire"?

    Sports
    First of all, we need to study the rules of Canadian Football. Is there anything worth saving? Then, let's look at hockey. We probably will have to increase public funding for hockey in the new states.....they need to be educated in how it is played (and how Stanley Cups are won).

    A name change for Vancouver's hockey team may be necessary.

    Winnipeg
    It is probably open for debate as to whether or not we should annex Winnipeg. We may have to leave it be.
    _____

    Any other ideas.....you people are planners.....what's the plan?

    Bear, Eh

    Occupy Cyburbia!

  2. #2
    Cyburbian Cardinal's avatar
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    You have it all wrong, buddy. The United States is the nation at threat of invasion from the Red Menace, eh? By the end of the decade we will all be eating poutine and butter tarts, vacationing in Cuba, and barbequing on July 1.
    Anyone want to adopt a dog?

  3. #3
    Cyburbian AubieTurtle's avatar
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    Canada is 2-0 against the US, wanna go for 3-0?


    (stolen from a contest on Fark.com and posted to my Flickr account)
    As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. - H.L. Mencken

  4. #4
    Cyburbian Plus JNA's avatar
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    All ready done in the movies -

    Canadian Bacon (1995)
    http://imdb.com/title/tt0109370/maindetails

    Plot Outline: The U.S. President, low in the opinion polls, gets talked into raising his popularity by trying to start a cold war against Canada.
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  5. #5
    Cyburbian AubieTurtle's avatar
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    Amerida now, Amerida forever!

    Bring on the Rouge, supersized field, twelve players, and outlaw the sissy fair catch and wasteful fourth downs!
    As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. - H.L. Mencken

  6. #6
    Cyburbian ijustkrushalot's avatar
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    I like Canadian football though. We can keep it around for our amusement, like arena football.

  7. #7
    An American invasion of Canada is laughably implausible. The U.S. Army would freeze to death one kilometer past the border.

  8. #8
    Cyburbian abrowne's avatar
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    Could you just precision strike all the Canadian Tire's?

  9. #9
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
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    Canada is going to invade the US… Think of all the times that the lure 19 year old college students across the boarder for drunken fun.

    Oh and these d&*%^(* squirrels… I am telling you, they are really spies for Canada!
    "A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong, gives it a superficial appearance of being right, and raises at first a formidable outcry in defense of custom. Time makes more converts than reason." - Thomas Paine Common Sense.

  10. #10
    Cyburbian geobandito's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Bear Up North


    Much has been said, here in the hallways of Cyburbia, Ltd., about the planned invasion of Canada. Since that little military jaunt northward is inevitable....
    Sorry, you can't do this to me! I just got out!!!!

  11. #11
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
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    Seems like I linked this before, but for the benefit of those who may not have seen it, the US prepared a contingency/viability analysis of a Canadian invasion a few years prior to WWII.
    http://www.glasnost.de/hist/usa/1935invasion.html
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

  12. #12
    Cyburbian illinoisplanner's avatar
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    I think we should admit Yukon, Northwest Territories, British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan, and Manitoba as states.

    Those areas are generally pretty conservative (besides BC), have lots of wild game and beautiful landscapes, would form a connection to Alaska, and are fairly similar to some of the upper plains states.

    The Eastern Provinces are chock full of liberals, diseases like SARS and Bird Flu, Frenchies, and other unwanted characteristics.
    "Life's a journey, not a destination"
    -Steven Tyler

  13. #13

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    Quote Originally posted by jaws
    An American invasion of Canada is laughably implausible. The U.S. Army would freeze to death one kilometer past the border.
    That's one mile past the border, buddy.

    Darn Canucks and those funny distances...

  14. #14
    Cyburbian jordanb's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by pete-rock
    That's one mile past the border, buddy.
    In that case, we'd be able to capture--what?---60 percent of the Canadian population?

  15. #15
    Unfrozen Caveman Planner mendelman's avatar
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    Can't we all just get along?
    I'm sorry. Is my bias showing?

    The ends can justify the means.

  16. #16
    Cyburbian abrowne's avatar
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    You can have Saskatchewan. That poor province is in really rough shape. They need some help actually... conditions there are unacceptable for many. And now that GM has completely jumped out of Oshawa, Ontario, its set to turn into Detroit North.

    And don't even get me started on how we STILL screw around with natives, to this day.

    *sigh* I'm not proud of some of the situations that my compatriots live with, while we turn a blind eye.

  17. #17
    Cyburbian Otis's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Bear Up North


    I am thinking that North Washington is a nice (and appropriate) name change for British Columbia.

    In the spirit of Baja California, perhaps it should be Superior/Superieur Washington.

  18. #18
    Cyburbian zman's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by illinoisplanner
    I think we should admit Yukon, Northwest Territories, British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan, and Manitoba as states.

    Those areas are generally pretty conservative (besides BC), have lots of wild game and beautiful landscapes, would form a connection to Alaska, and are fairly similar to some of the upper plains states.

    The Eastern Provinces are chock full of liberals, diseases like SARS and Bird Flu, Frenchies, and other unwanted characteristics.
    No gerrymandering of our new lands allowed. All or nothing.
    You get all squeezed up inside/Like the days were carved in stone/You get all wired up inside/And it's bad to be alone

    You can go out, you can take a ride/And when you get out on your own/You get all smoothed out inside/And it's good to be alone
    -Peart

  19. #19
    BANNED
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    Silly thread, no one going to invade canada, however I think a providence/state swap would be more appropriate. The US swaps the majority of the midwest states for BC. The only difficult part of the plan is tricking the canadians into taking Iowa too.

  20. #20
    Cyburbian illinoisplanner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by acchhhoooo
    Silly thread, no one going to invade canada, however I think a providence/state swap would be more appropriate. The US swaps the majority of the midwest states for BC. The only difficult part of the plan is tricking the canadians into taking Iowa too.
    OK...now, how is that an even trade in any way???
    "Life's a journey, not a destination"
    -Steven Tyler

  21. #21
    Cyburbian Zoning Goddess's avatar
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    I hope the US gov't doesn't reinstate the draft before the invasion. I'd hate for my kid to be drafted in a few years and come home talking funny...

  22. #22
    Cyburbian Emeritus Bear Up North's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Zoning Goddess
    I hope the US gov't doesn't reinstate the draft before the invasion. I'd hate for my kid to be drafted in a few years and come home talking funny...
    Even worse.....the northern states would now be "The New South". Then, you couldn't be mad at us anymore.

    Bear Whistling Dix-eh?
    Occupy Cyburbia!

  23. #23
    Cyburbian Zoning Goddess's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Bear Up North
    Even worse.....the northern states would now be "The New South". Then, you couldn't be mad at us anymore.

    Bear Whistling Dix-eh?
    Prove you can say ya'll without stuttering. Then we'll talk....

    You funny. Gotta go. Fat cat is batting my arm for attention...

  24. #24
    Cyburbian
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    Quote Originally posted by abrowne
    You can have Saskatchewan.
    Is there any oil there?

  25. #25
    Cyburbian AubieTurtle's avatar
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    BC is conservative? Is that by Canadian standards or US standards?

    Hmmm... maybe they're metric conservatives.
    As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. - H.L. Mencken

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