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Thread: Should I have kids???

  1. #1
    Cyburbian KSharpe's avatar
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    Should I have kids???

    Would like to get some feedback on this issue. My husband and I have been married for about a year, we're in our late 20's. We're both on the fence about having kids- we feel like a lot of people have them for no real reason, and we can't think of a valid reason to have them. Wondering what the Cyburbians think about valid reasons to have kids, whether they regret having kids, considerations, etc.
    I like some kids, but many I do not. I find most of them very annoying.- I don't know if this disqualfies me from parenting.
    Do you want to pet my monkey?

  2. #2
         
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    IMO if you are asking here in this forum and are not sure at this point in your life, I would say no....then again had I asked anyone at 24 and in college this same question they probably would have told me "no" and it was the best choice I have ever made in my entire life.
    I am not a "kid person", I don't oogle over babies, etc but I love my own and wouldn't change anything I have ever done with regard to them....regret? I think you'll be hardpressed to find anyone that could ever say they regret having children.

  3. #3
    Unfrozen Caveman Planner mendelman's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Jaxspra View post
    I think you'll be hardpressed to find anyone that could ever say they regret having children.
    But she will probably get a number of people that will say, "I don't regret having my children, but I certainly don't want anymore."

    My wife and I will be having our first in about 4 weeks, and we are very excited and ready.

    I agree with Jax, if you're asking here, you probably aren't ready or willing.
    I'm sorry. Is my bias showing?

    Let's not be didactic in this profession, because that is a path to disillusion and irrelevancy.

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  4. #4
    moderator in moderation Suburb Repairman's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Jaxspra View post
    IMO if you are asking here in this forum and are not sure at this point in your life, I would say no....then again had I asked anyone at 24 and in college this same question they probably would have told me "no" and it was the best choice I have ever made in my entire life.
    I am not a "kid person", I don't oogle over babies, etc but I love my own and wouldn't change anything I have ever done with regard to them....regret? I think you'll be hardpressed to find anyone that could ever say they regret having children.
    Jaxspra is right on. My first inclination from your posting was "maybe you should wait a little longer". Kids in general annoy me, but I love being around my little nieces and nephews. I think attitudes toward your own kids or relatives' kids are different than strangers' kids.

    In America, having kids really isn't a rational decision--you don't really get economic gain from it; its more of an emotional decision. From the sound of your post, it sounds like you are trying to find a rational reason to have kids and, from what I've seen, it's damn near impossible to justify having children based on rational thought--you just decide to do it because something in your minds says its the right thing to do for you. Conversely, your mind might decide that its not right for you. Most people have kids because something just kind of 'clicks' with them--perhaps its a primal urge to carry on genes; maybe its a desire to pass along knowledge; maybe its something as simple as a desire to nurture life. Even then, people have different urges: some choose to be biological parents, while others may opt for adoption. Some find foster parenting or being a house parent at a children's home satisfying.

    I agree with Jaxspra, I don't think you are going to find many that regret having kids. My mom might regret having three boys, but that's a different story for a different day!

    "Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country."

    - Herman Göring at the Nuremburg trials (thoughts on democracy)

  5. #5
    Cyburbian otterpop's avatar
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    By all means, have kids. Having money and a say in how you spend your free time are over-rated.

    My son is the greatest joy of my life. He is also the greatest trial. The ying and yang of it is that I am glad I have him.

    Mostly, being a parent is easy to do. Add love and lots of quantity time to your child's life and things will turn out okay. But kids are expensive and require a whole lot of time and effort from day to day. Getting a five or six year old to bed can be an aggravating daily struggle. After a long day at work it isn't easy to haul your butt off the couch and play "tag."

    On the other hand, there is no feeling so good as when your toddler, scared by thunder, runs into your arms for comfort. Or when the kindergarten teacher tells you that your son is one of her best students and a "smart cookie."

    If you are not sure, it is best to wait. Don't wait too long to make your decision. Take it from a guy who became a father late in life, playing "tag" with a six year old is easier to do in your thirties than your forties.
    "I am very good at reading women, but I get into trouble for using the Braille method."

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  6. #6
    Unfrozen Caveman Planner mendelman's avatar
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    SR...there is also another scenario - The "accident" child. Some couples don't get to choose to be parents, they are forced to do it.
    Last edited by mendelman; 20 Jun 2007 at 1:04 PM.
    I'm sorry. Is my bias showing?

    Let's not be didactic in this profession, because that is a path to disillusion and irrelevancy.

    Six seasons and a movie!

  7. #7
    Cyburbian wahday's avatar
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    I absolutely love being a parent, though I recognize that before we had them I was totally in the dark about what it would entail. It wasn't for lack of trying to imagine it but until it actually becomes part of your life, its very hard to imagine. In this sense, there is no "good" time to have kids necessarily, though probably definitely some "bad" times.

    Seven years ago I had never changed a diaper nor even babysat, so certainly I was the poster child of the totally unprepared. But raising kids is, in many ways, the most natural thing in the world. Which isn't to say its not hard, but my own feeling is "hey, what better thing do I have to do with my life?" Seriously, though, if the alternative was for me to be more self-centered and pre-occupied with constantly finding fun and interesting things to do with my time, I think I would be crippled with a lack of meaning in my life by now. "Pay it forward," to be cliched about the whole thing, But, of course, that's just me.

    I totally agree with otterpop in that "Having money and a say in how you spend your free time are over-rated." Sure, there is sarcasm there, but the whole sense of loss in what to do with your time is a temporary state that one adjusts to rather quickly. Plus, some of this angst is just part of getting older - you choose to do some things and decide not to pursue others.

    To put it all more succinctly (not my strong point, obviously), what I tell my friends when they find out they are expecting is "congratulations, your life now has meaning."

    I think the most important thing to be sure of is your relationship with your spouse. If you all are solid, you will do wonderfully. And don't forget, once you make the move, you still have 9 months to prepare...
    The purpose of life is a life of purpose

  8. #8
    moderator in moderation Suburb Repairman's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by mendelman View post
    SR...there is also another scenario - The "accident" child. Some couples don't get to choose to be parents, they are forced to do it.

    True. I left that out because it didn't seem to apply in her situation. Even then, I'm inclined to think those people may regret when they had them rather than actually having them. But I'm certainly no expert seeing how my only kid has four legs and eats out of a bowl...

    "Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country."

    - Herman Göring at the Nuremburg trials (thoughts on democracy)

  9. #9
    Cyburbian martini's avatar
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    My wife and I have two. That's it though. We were perfectly happy with just one, and then we started talking about how happy we were with just one. See, the first one was tough to get. Fertility issues. But we got the first one, and love her to dearly. She's great fun now at 3 yo. The second is an even bigger ball of fun, because we actually know what we're doing!

    As much as I love the kids though, if I didn't have them, I'm sure we wouldn't be missing much in our lives. We were busy, having a great time in our lives before kids. And its pretty much the same now. Instead of going to the bar together, we tag-team it. Helps that the bars are 4 blocks away...

    If you're thinking about it, don't do it. Don't add to the population crunch. Let the catholics do that .
    You're more boring than you know.

  10. #10
    Cyburbian Clore's avatar
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    By all means, have kids. Having money and a say in how you spend your free time are over-rated

    I found myself in a ready-made family with 2 pre-teens who have been coddled by divorced parents. Kids used to annoy me and I never was excited at the sight of babies. I like things just so at home, and finding milk that is growing mold in a stinky cup, hair straighteners plugged in and sitting on the carpet, phone calls that go on until 10:30 at night, backpacks dropped wherever inside the door... well... I find that all annoying! Preteens have this great way of pushing limits and thinking the world owes them Hollister once a week, and having you cart them around all weekend to this person's house, and this soccer game, the mall, over to so-and-so's because I forgot something, and can we go to the mall and get dropped off all day?

    I would never get into another relationship with kids again!

    But that's just me
    ...Moving at the speed of local government

  11. #11
    Cyburbian KSharpe's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by wahday View post
    I absolutely love being a parent, though I recognize that before we had them I was totally in the dark about what it would entail. It wasn't for lack of trying to imagine it but until it actually becomes part of your life, its very hard to imagine. In this sense, there is no "good" time to have kids necessarily, though probably definitely some "bad" times.

    Seven years ago I had never changed a diaper nor even babysat, so certainly I was the poster child of the totally unprepared. But raising kids is, in many ways, the most natural thing in the world. Which isn't to say its not hard, but my own feeling is "hey, what better thing do I have to do with my life?" Seriously, though, if the alternative was for me to be more self-centered and pre-occupied with constantly finding fun and interesting things to do with my time, I think I would be crippled with a lack of meaning in my life by now. "Pay it forward," to be cliched about the whole thing, But, of course, that's just me.

    I totally agree with otterpop in that "Having money and a say in how you spend your free time are over-rated." Sure, there is sarcasm there, but the whole sense of loss in what to do with your time is a temporary state that one adjusts to rather quickly. Plus, some of this angst is just part of getting older - you choose to do some things and decide not to pursue others.

    To put it all more succinctly (not my strong point, obviously), what I tell my friends when they find out they are expecting is "congratulations, your life now has meaning."

    I think the most important thing to be sure of is your relationship with your spouse. If you all are solid, you will do wonderfully. And don't forget, once you make the move, you still have 9 months to prepare...
    I find this sentiment rather annoying. People with no children, (like Mother Theresa) have meaningless lives? On the other hand, lots of people with kids appear to live the same consumer-driven, competitive lifestyle that childless people do. Only now, they use their kids to assist them with it.
    Do you want to pet my monkey?

  12. #12
    Cyburbian Plus dandy_warhol's avatar
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    KSharpe, i feel for you. it isn't an easy decision. in some ways i think it might've been easier when it was "they only way."

    i'm a 30 y/o female in a long-term relationship. BF and are are both on the fence about having kids. some days i'm more of a NO! than others. BF seems more consistently a no but we often have conversations about "well, what about Gertrude for a girl's name? Ian for a boy?" etc.

    my feelings at the moment are influenced by the fact that i'm poor, i can be selfish, and i NEED my sleep. though when talking w/ my mom about the possibility of having children i said, "the only way i will even consider having a child is if you will be the night nurse for the 1st 9 months." she said yes w/o a moment's hesitation.

    i haven't felt the tickings of a biological clock but am aware it might strike at some point. and if it happens after 35 BF and i aren't opposed to adopting.

    when i do think about having children it mostly revolves around thoughts of 1) not being lonely when i'm old; 2) i really enjoy my family and maybe i should create a family of my own ;3) am i experiencing life to the fullest w/o kids?; 4) will i never feel like a grown-up w/o a family?
    In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. -Martin Luther King Jr.

  13. #13
    Cyburbian RandomPlanner's avatar
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    Don't do it.

    If you're not sure, it's okay to wait -- or to not have kids at all.

    I've been thinking a bit about it myself. I love well-behaved children, but just that statement makes me think that I have no idea what being a parent is all about -- and maybe I'm not cut out for it. Quite frankly, that's okay. Some people suck at being parents and shouldn't have tried it, but I guess you just never know.
    And don't let anybody tell you that you have less worth because you're not a parent. I get that here at work -- well, so and so should get special treatment for time off because she is a mom. Well, I have chosen the lifestyle I live and you have chosen yours. Don't hate me because I don't have to pay for diapers and I can afford a nicer car because of it. That's my choice! (perhaps off topic a bit)
    How do I know you are who you think you are?

  14. #14
    Cyburbian Brocktoon's avatar
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    What is the hurry? You are young and have only been married for a year. Be married for a year longer then start thinking about it. Have a child because you want one (or more) and feel you would make a good parent. Figure out what will make you and your husband happy and if that involved kids then do it and if not then don't and make no apologies for either decision.

    I am 30, have been married for 4 years and 356 days and we do not have any children. We both want kids but I have not felt that desire to procreate at this point in time. I can feel that attitude starting to change and I making my future living plans based upon the idea of having children in the next few years.
    "If you don't like change, you're going to like irrelevance even less" General Eric Shinseki

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    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    My gut reaction is that if you have to poll people about whether or not to procreate then you shouldn't at this point in time. I don't think it's a matter of being "ready" as nothing really quite prepares you for parenthood. It's just something within. I have an accidental child *lol* whom I wouldn't trade for the world, but I'm not interested in having any more either.
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  16. #16
    Super Moderator luckless pedestrian's avatar
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    no Catholic bashing, please!

    I do think it's good to be married for a few years before having kids because it's good to have your relationship squared away - it's amazing how your marriage changes in those first 5 years, and how much you change - so I say wait, not because you have misgivings, but because you need to have that time of play and fun in your lives that you will assuredly reminisce about after you have kids (take it from me)

    I am always truly amazed by people that say emphatically that they are ready to have a baby - I am so glad my 3 kids were all little oopses because if given that kind of choice, we still would be saying, after 20 years of marriage, well, maybe next year, I want to go to Florence just one more time

    I think pushing 30-35 years of age is a good time to discuss it if you are in a long-term relationship or married, and definitely wait a few years into marriage, at least, even if that pushes it closer to 40 - we had our first baby a few months before our 6th anniversary and again, now having 3 little oopses, I am glad in retrospect, that we waited -

    and if you decide not to have kids ever, that's okay too - like I say, if I had to choose, before having a baby at all, I never would have done it, I never babysat as a kid, I wasn't one to ooh and aahh, and now, after having all the kids, I don't know what we did without them and I don't even want to think what I would do without my kids now - but to make that leap, wow, that's serious stuff!

  17. #17
    Cyburbian wahday's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by KSharpe View post
    I find this sentiment rather annoying. People with no children, (like Mother Theresa) have meaningless lives? On the other hand, lots of people with kids appear to live the same consumer-driven, competitive lifestyle that childless people do. Only now, they use their kids to assist them with it.
    Well, I was being rather flip. Still, for me personally, having kids did give me a sense of purpose in the world that I lacked (though not entirely) before hand. Obviously it is not a phrase of wisdom to be applied across the board - yes, people with kids can still find themselves adrift in the world without direction and yes, people without kids can live fulfilling and meaningful lives.

    That doesn't change the fact that as far as my own experience, having kids changed my life for the better.
    The purpose of life is a life of purpose

  18. #18
    Cyburbian cch's avatar
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    I don't want to scare you, but my dr. told me female fertility peaks at age 24 and then it is on a downward slope. I'm 30 and started seeking medical help since we've been trying to conceive our 2nd for nearly 2 years now. Once you are 35 you are automatically considered "high risk" when you are pregnant. This doesn't mean "hurry and have kids." It is just a shame that so many women aren't completely aware that they can't wait till their mid to late 30s to make the decision, or it may be too late.

    I would guess that for most people there is never a perfect time to have kids, when they are 100% sure about it. But I've never met a parent who regretted it. Before having our daughter, I never felt like "I love kids so much, I can't wait to be a mommy." the way some of my friends did. And, I still get annoyed with other people's kids on occassion. But my daughter is by far the greatest thing to happen in my life. She fascinates me every day, and she's helped me to put things in perspective. I find being a parent to be super rewarding. My brother doesn't think he ever wants to have kids, and I just feel like telling him "you don't know what you're missing." but I've kept my mouth shut. And I realize not everybody is cut out to be a parent, but I think a lot of people on the fence sell themselves short. You learn as you go along, and headaches are well worth the joy kids can bring into your life.

  19. #19
    Cyburbian Budgie's avatar
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    The joy and love shared between parents and their children is the most profound emotions that can possibly be experienced on this earth. When I see people who are over 40 years old and who haven't had children, you can tell that there is something missing in their lives. They seem empty.

    HAVE KIDS !!!!! GO FORTH AND PROCREATE !!!!! Until you have... you haven't lived.
    "And all this terrible change had come about because he had ceased to believe himself and had taken to believing others. " - Leo Tolstoy

  20. #20
    Cyburbian Plus Zoning Goddess's avatar
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    I have friends who have chosen to remain childless - for various reasons - and boy did they get put thru the wringer by family, friends, co-workers, you name it. Personally I think they were lucky to realize parenthood isn't for them before they caved under the pressure.

    Of course, there are also the ones who swore they'd never have kids but changed their minds down the road.

    Your feelings about parenthood may change over the years... but it may not. Best not to jump in just because you feel you should or because other people think you should.

  21. #21
    Cyburbian Fat Cat's avatar
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    Fat Cat

    This is your and significant other decision to make. Advice is nice and it sometimes helps to listen to different view points and you may change your mind or you may not, but the advisors don't have to live with the consequences.
    I wish you the best regardless of what you decide.

  22. #22
    Cyburbian KSharpe's avatar
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    Thanks! I call this an intelligence gathering mission, that's all. I definitely won't have any till we are BOTH absolutely sure. My mom told me the other day that I should tell DH that we are having kids and he can get used to the idea. That's pretty crappy, I told her. No one should be forced to be a parent. I'm only 27, so I do have some time to think...but someone else posted about fertility, and she's absolutely right, we don't have as much time as we think we do.
    Do you want to pet my monkey?

  23. #23
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
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    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    Absolutely DO NOT HAVE KIDS! If you not 100% positive, then it is a bad idea. I would also encourage that you be completely debt free other than your home, be in perfect shape, have more than enough money so that you can fully pay for the their college and anything else their little hearts desire, have a doctor, dermatologist, therapist, drivers-ed teacher, god parents, names, and room colors fully established.

    (Sarcasm incase you could not tell)



    My theory on kids is that if your married and you happen to get pregnant somehow then enjoy the moment, but don’t purposefully try to, or try not to have kids at this point in your life. There will never be a moment when you are 100% ready to have kids, so just enjoy life and if it happens, and you have a son, name him Michael.
    Not my monkey, not my circus. - Old Polish Proverb

  24. #24
    Cyburbian
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    Quote Originally posted by Budgie View post
    When I see people who are over 40 years old and who haven't had children, you can tell that there is something missing in their lives. They seem empty.
    .
    I'm not close to forty, but I know plenty of people that are that age, and their lives are not empty.

    I don't plan on having any kids anytime soon, I'm also not seriously dating at the moment, because I am planning on going back to school in the next years out of state, and then settling somewhere else in the country afterwords. Once I am "settled" again, I might re-consider relationships and maybe starting a family.

    My parents, who are now married 35 years, did not have kids until they were married for 9 years (both of them went back to school to pursue masters and doctorates). They have no regrets, they wanted to make sure they had enough money to raise us, plus they socked away a ton of money for us for college.

    I don't think parents regret having their children. Although I know it can be a lot more challenging if their kids are handicapped.

  25. #25
    Cyburbian Otis's avatar
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    Have kids when you're ready. I'm 56 and my number one regret, beyond even my first marriage, is not having kids.

    Mrs. Otis and I know a couple who legally adopted an adult single mother late in their lives and now have both kid and grandkid to enjoy, and the adoptees enjoy an extended family and the possibility of a nice inheritance. We're toying with the idea ourselves (the adopting).

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