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Thread: The Marriage Thread AIB Zman's engagement thread

  1. #1
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    The Marriage Thread AIB Zman's engagement thread

    I was going to call this "How to Make Peace with Your Ball and Chain -- Married Cyburbians Speak" but that was too long and wouldn't fit. Um, that's probably A Good Thing.

    I really liked being married. I just didn't like being married to HIM, if you know what I mean. So I am not starting this as a troll. I am very much pro-marriage and was married more than half my life when we filed for divorce. I'm just starting it because if the discussion about starting a dating thread is any indicator, everyone thinks it's a great idea but no one wants to be the sacrificial lamb who does it. So, here it is, By Popular Demand (see the end of This Thread for proof) and all that.

    To get the ball rolling: For folks who don't fight constantly, give your thoughts on how to keep the peace. Those of us who did spend all our time arguing and wishing it was otherwise will just listen and be envious for now.

    Other folks please donate your questions and ponderings on this subject. All donations much appreciated.

  2. #2
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
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    I brought this up in a different thread a few weeks ago, but it bears repeating.....there is little chance of 'winning' an argument - especially with a spouse - once an argument is initiated - even if you win.
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

  3. #3
    Cyburbian Plus dandy_warhol's avatar
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    as a non-married but a longtime dater, i think keeping open channels of communication is very important.

    when fighting, make sure you're listening and don't get in a fight just to win. i've had a very difficult time learning that one. i want to win, i want to be right but i know that isn't the way to make a good relationship work well.
    In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. -Martin Luther King Jr.

  4. #4
    Super Moderator luckless pedestrian's avatar
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    well, I'm about to hit 19 years of marriage later this month but I don't consider myself an expert - I learn something new about both of us all the time

    I don't have alot of advice except that I have found that it's a mystery when it works, and a mystery when it falls apart...

    okay, that's not much of a help, however true it is - so here's my list:
    1. I think you should let yourselves fight, don't always compromise, that's just code for someone giving in -
    2. but compromise when it doesn't really matter and it's just your pride talking -
    3. know the difference between pride and what's really bugging you
    4. don't sleep apart unless one of you is out of town -
    5. it's okay to go to bed mad at each other -
    6. make friends with other couples, they will give you alot of support
    7. but don't walk away from old single friends unless you feel judged in their presence -
    8. entertain alot, it gives you a break from each other while in the same room and the light conversation reminds you why you fell for the other person when you were dating -
    9. don't watch tv separately
    10. be nice to your spouses' family, even if it kills you inside and you feel fake
    11. make your spouse confront their side of the family if ever necessary and you do the same for yours -
    12. work hard at being happy with your career path because it really does affect your homelife if you aren't happy at work and vice-versa - you are at work more than you are at home, harsh reality
    13. but try to leave work at work anyway
    14. have a hobby to yourself and have a hobby you do together - even if it's just that you both like to hang in and read in silence or you both like to camp
    15. do not take separate vacations but it's okay to go see your family sometimes without your spouse and vice-versa
    16. always say "I love you" even if you aren't so sure you do at that moment - love is a decision to give a ****
    17. a night out with the boys/girls is okay but not every week - it should be an equal amount of times on both sides
    18. sit down with a financial consultant to work out a budget during your engagement of how you will be combining your cash and paying the bills
    19. and finally, have sex at least once a week but don't schedule it, that's lame

    I'll refrain from making a list about being happy together and having kids because I want these nice couples to have kids someday - lol -

  5. #5
    Cyburbian
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    I am only engaged for the time being with my wedding set for the end of the summer. While in college though I did live with my fiance so we know each other quite well. The problem with arguing is that is doesn't solve anything. Disagreements are completely different. That is what keeps the relationship interesting. I enjoy having discussions on any topic with my fiance and learning our differences and similarities multiple issues.

    The important thing to remember is that fighting never solves anything. Women find "oneness" or security in being with their husband one of the most imnportant attractions in a marriage. When the couple is always arguing with and against each other the marriage will never work.

    Although I do think that opposites attract you have to have some common thread in the marriage. Otherwise, I do beleive couples with opposite morals and values may find themselves arguing more ofter.

  6. #6
    Cyburbian
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    You cannot possibly duplicate somone elses relationship. We have a couple of rules that apply to our house (we both came up with them).

    1. No fighting in the house. this includes raising your voices, yelling, slamming doors, and for the kids, hitting, throwing things, bitting, eye gouging, and kicks to the groin (this one was just added as the twins got in a fight the other day (first one in months) over a toy, and one of them kicked the other in the groin. How do kids learn that kicking in the groin, even in a 2 1/2 year old , is painful?) violation for kids results in a trip to the "corner" for each minute of age. this works suprisingly well. Adults get kicked out for the day (my dad and sister learned the hard way that I mean business).

    2. No one goes to bed mad. Work it out first. You will sleep better and feel better in the morning.

    3. No TV's in the bedroom. No explanation needed.

    That is it, although soon a rule will be added about no computers in bedrooms or anywhere else that is private. the computer will be used only with mom or dad in the room (a built in computer desk is under construction in the downstairs tv room). Oh yeah, one other one, work stays at work.

  7. #7
    Cyburbian otterpop's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by cololi
    You cannot possibly duplicate somone elses relationship. We have a couple of rules that apply to our house (we both came up with them).


    2. No one goes to bed mad. Work it out first. You will sleep better and feel better in the morning. .
    I don't agree with this one. I've found sometimes it is a good idea to go to bed and start fresh tomorrow. One reason is if you "don't go to bed mad" then the person who wins is the person who can stay up the longest (usually that ain't me, unless it is Friday or Saturday night.) The other reason is, at least with my wife and I, the next morning we aren't mad anymore anyway,so the problem is solved and no one had to eat crow. Some arguments require resolution. Most arguments require just letting go of something.

    I recall some marriage philosopher made this observation: "When you are a newlywed, you pick fights, so you can have makeup sex. When you've been married a long time, you pick fights so your spouse will sleep in another room and you can have the bed to yourself."
    "I am very good at reading women, but I get into trouble for using the Braille method."

    ~ Otterpop ~

  8. #8
    Cyburbian
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    Quote Originally posted by otterpop
    I don't agree with this one.
    That's why I say you can't duplicate someone elses relationship. What works for one may not work for others. For us, the rule works well. of course, we rarely fight or even argue, and when we do, it is typically political or social in nature and those arguments aren't heated and are very easy to let go of.

  9. #9
    Cyburbian Emeritus Bear Up North's avatar
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    Professional Opinion

    Consider this Bear an expert on this marriage topic.

    Since I met two of my wives at The Turtle Club, a former floating bar on the Ottawa River in north Toledo's Point Place neighborhood, I can safely say this.....

    If Katie gives me any static I will simply reply, "No problem, toots. I'll just go to the Turtle Club and get another wife."

    Oh, oh.....The Turtle Club closed about a dozen years ago. Eeek!

    Never mind.
    _____

    Katie and I have a great relationship. We split everything 50-50. She gets the car, I get the payment. She gets the truck, I get the payment. She gets the.....you know the drill.....
    _____

    Seriously.....we have a wonderful marriage. We have our ups and we have our downs. We have both been very supportive of the other's significant medical issues. Life is good with a Katie and a Bear.

    Bear
    Occupy Cyburbia!

  10. #10
    Cyburbian
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    Quote Originally posted by Bear Up North
    Katie and I have a great relationship. We split everything 50-50. She gets the car, I get the payment. She gets the truck, I get the payment. She gets the.....you know the drill.....
    We have a similar policy. Take dishes for example, we divide this chore up evenly. When she cooks dinner I do the dishes, dividing the work evenly. When I cook dinner I do the dishes since I made the mess, I clean it up.



    Hey wait a minute.....

  11. #11
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    New "theme" for folks to consider:

    What NOT to do:
    1) Do not send the extreme introvert out to work with people all day will the extrovert is trapped at home with little kids 24/7. He will come home and desperately want his alone time and she will ambush him with her desperate need for adult conversation, going out to socialize, etc. Trust me: This is not good!

  12. #12
    Cyburbian SW MI Planner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by otterpop
    I've found sometimes it is a good idea to go to bed and start fresh tomorrow. One reason is if you "don't go to bed mad" then the person who wins is the person who can stay up the longest (usually that ain't me, unless it is Friday or Saturday night.) The other reason is, at least with my wife and I, the next morning we aren't mad anymore anyway,so the problem is solved and no one had to eat crow. Some arguments require resolution. Most arguments require just letting go of something.
    I completely agree with this for my husband and I. We are both stubborn and think we are right. It could be the most inane things, but we both hold out until we are even more exhausted. In the morning we think to ourselves "geez, that was STUPID". So, my advice (stuff I should be following, but don't):
    *Pick your battles
    *Let it go
    *Don't always have to be right

  13. #13
    Cyburbian
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    10 years in november.

    my best advice is to make sure you and your spouse get to keep some individual identity and not be solely defined by marriage, kids etc...

    Encourage your husband play golf on Sunday every once in a while; Encourage your wife to go out with the girls on A Friday night.

    Keep your hobbies and interests.

    Oh, and have sex as much as possible.

  14. #14
    Cyburbian otterpop's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Michele Zone
    New "theme" for folks to consider:

    What NOT to do:
    1) Do not send the extreme introvert out to work with people all day will the extrovert is trapped at home with little kids 24/7. He will come home and desperately want his alone time and she will ambush him with her desperate need for adult conversation, going out to socialize, etc. Trust me: This is not good!
    Were we married? .

    What NOT to do:
    If your spouse is an introvert, give him or her a couple minutes after getting home to decompress before you chat him or her up.

    One of my pet peeves. As soon as I get inside I am barraged with demands of attention from the wife and son. For god sakes, let me get my coat off. Let me shift gears. In a half hour I will care about your day. Now all you will get is a disconnected grunt.

    I know why a lot of men stop off for a drink after work before coming home. For 30 minutes where no one talks to you, except to say "want another one?" or "let me get you more pretzels."
    "I am very good at reading women, but I get into trouble for using the Braille method."

    ~ Otterpop ~

  15. #15
    I've noticed that Mrs. G tends to talk more about the people at her workplace and when I talk about work it's usually more about the situations at work than the people. (I don't mean that she gossips about the people, but that it is discussion of their job performance or lack thereof.)

    My boss and his wife just got back from a trip to Europe. They go through customs at EWR and the agent asks my boss' wife what she has to declare. Among the items are foodstuffs. What kind of foodstuffs he asks? The regular kind, you know, she responds. NO, I don't know that's why I'm asking you, he replies tersely, much to my boss' amusement. Men and women do use language differently.
    On pitching to Stan Musial:
    "Once he timed your fastball, your infielders were in jeopardy."
    Warren Spahn

  16. #16
    maudit anglais
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    I'm surprised no one has mentioned those two magic words that really really help to keep a marriage on-track:



    "Yes, dear"





  17. #17
    Cyburbian Seabishop's avatar
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    Just be sure that your husband or wife enjoys the concept of "night meetings" and doesn't just think you are having an affair on the 2nd Wednesday and 4th Tuesday of every month.

  18. #18
    Cyburbian imaplanner's avatar
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    Perhaps if the fighting in a relationship is ever consistently a problem worth mentioning then the relationship is doomed anyways. IMO a relationship should be relatively easy. There is too much stress from other parts of life- why add to it. Relationships can be easy - they don't have to be hard work.

  19. #19
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    @ Otterpop: No, you and I have not been married. I got in the habit of leaving Mr. Zone alone basically all week and only expecting attention of any note on weekends. The same man who could not talk to me when we slept in the same bed once ran up a phone bill larger than our mortgage payment when he was a couple of states away in school. We got along much better when he was gone six months out of the year then when he lived with me full time. I think that is part of why we were thrilled to pieces with each other when we were boyfriend/girlfriend and couldn't stand each other as a married couple: the man needs his SPACE and only wants to be close occasionally, on his schedule. I really was madly in love with him and was vehemently opposed to divorce, morally...until I concluded that divorce was a lesser sin than murder and perhaps we should just politely walk away.
    Quote Originally posted by imaplanner
    Perhaps if the fighting in a relationship is ever consistently a problem worth mentioning then the relationship is doomed anyways. IMO a relationship should be relatively easy. There is too much stress from other parts of life- why add to it. Relationships can be easy - they don't have to be hard work.
    And this inspires my What Not To Do # 2:
    NEVER, ever marry someone whose first conversation with you was an argument. The fighting may never cease.

  20. #20
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
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    Beer, A bass boat , a garage , and a dog are all a guy needs to get by in this world.







    In reality, I would say that while I am not married I still know that communication and similar needs at the same time are the two most important things in any relationship.
    Not my monkey, not my circus. - Old Polish Proverb

  21. #21
    moderator in moderation Suburb Repairman's avatar
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    Communicate. Remember, even arguing is a form of communication. Life gets boring if you always agree. Always be respectful in arguing.

    Don't be proud. If you ask me, a lot of marriages fail because one or both parties is too proud.

    Listen, even if you really don't give a s***. You'll find that he/she is mainly just looking for someone to vent to about the day, good or bad. Being a good listener has great rewards.

    Get on the same page financially. Don't just make a budget and give it to your significant other--talk about it. On that note, never purchase anything for more than $100 without consulting with your SO. Trust me on this.

    Have a together hobby and then one of your own. I like scale model trains and my wife is scared of trains. By the same token though, participate in something once in a while that the SO likes that you don't like so much.

    Have something that is your "thing". For example, my wife & I buy season tickets to the theatre every year and have done it since we were dating and about 20 years old.

    Random acts of love and kindness. Bring home flowers for no reason. Cook a special meal spontaniously for your SO. Just show up at SO's work with lunch (careful with this one). Don't let romance become scheduled "date night". Another good one that scores points... steal the SO's car on your lunch break and wash it, then leave a little note.

    Don't let your marriage kill your old friendships from single-life. Always go out with old friends and make your SO a part of the group at least sometimes. You'll probably see the reasons you love your SO that much more when you can watch he/she like a fly on the wall.

    Share responsibility, whether it be taking care of the kids or doing housework. A lot of times you'll even find that there are parts of housework she hates that he doesn't mind doing. For example, my wife hates vacuuming and cleaning bathrooms and I hate doing laundry, so she does laundry and I vacuum & clean bathrooms.

    "Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country."

    - Herman Göring at the Nuremburg trials (thoughts on democracy)

  22. #22
    Cyburbian Mtn Woman's avatar
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    As you sit there in your garage with your
    Quote Originally posted by michaelskis
    Beer, A bass boat , and a dog :w
    you're saying to yourself, "Man, I need a woman!"

    Seriously though, after 15 years of wedded bliss, I've found the two most important phrases in a relationship are:

    You're right!

    and

    I'm sorry!


    But both must be said with sincerity.
    Living and dreaming are two different things-but you can't do one without the other."
    -Malcolm Forbes

  23. #23
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Mtn Woman
    As you sit there in your garage with your

    you're saying to yourself, "Man, I need a woman!"
    Only to cook the bass, let the dog out, and get me another beer!
    Not my monkey, not my circus. - Old Polish Proverb

  24. #24
    Cyburbian Mtn Woman's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by michaelskis
    Only to cook the bass, let the dog out, and get me another beer!
    I'll say the same thing to you as I say to my husband...

    What? Are your arms broken? Git it yurself!
    Living and dreaming are two different things-but you can't do one without the other."
    -Malcolm Forbes

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