The NEVERENDING Dating Thread

[Michele Zone]

From Reasons I'm glad to be a guy:

OT:
Maybe I need to start a "dating" thread so all of you guys can school me on whats normal and whats not...just recently even became open to the idea of dating......it is a very scary thing....

As I have mentioned on previous occasions, I'm really not into the whole dating thing. But it seems like no one ever did start a Dating Thread and Natski's query about how to pick up a man on the train made me feel we really need a more general discussion -- if only because I don't want to rain on her parade with my own ponderings on the topic and inadverently cause a thread-jacking. As I noted in Natski's thread, I sometimes get very weird reactions from men who find me too forward. So, in addition to Jaxspra's query, please consider the following questions:

Men: Have you ever been picked up by a woman? If so, how did that happen and how did it work out? (ie did you just sleep with her and dump her? did it become a serious relationship? etc)

Women: Anyone here ever successfully pick up men rather than just let yourself get picked up? Or even successfully encourage a particular person to pick you up rather than merely waiting for someone, anyone to ask?

Add your own questions, thoughts and so forth. My intent is for this to be a General Discussion thread about the whole starting a relationship process usually called Dating.

[imaplanner]

I used to be really shy (more so than I am now) and I had a crush on a girl once. She must have noticed and she picked me up. Of course then later I found out she had a boyfriend already.

But as I think I said in another post- most guys I know would be cool with a woman being forward. I will be attending a wedding this summer for a good friend who was essentially picked up by his soon to be wife (although they knew each other beforehand).

I would always advocate going for it because if the man is not cool with it than he is probably not the right dude anyways.

[Michele Zone]

I would always advocate going for it because if the man is not cool with it than he is probably not the right dude anyways.

I initiated my relationship with my husband. Well, the day we met, he picked an argument with me as his awkward way of (in his words years later) "getting a pretty girl to talk to him". But I had no idea at that time that he was interested, romantically. He is extremely introverted. So after we had become really good friends, I was the initiator of the romantic stuff. He was a very awkward teen (we met at age 16). But most men with better social skills than that seem to be weirded out by me if I attempt to initiate a relationship. Sigh. I am still trying to figure out what I do "wrong". (Not that I worry much about it -- plenty of men approach me, so it's not like I fear that I will end up lonely over this. It just puzzles/intrigues me.)

[dandy_warhol]

i've asked men out before. none of them minded. one of the guys i even tracked down from a party and we ended up dating for awhile. but he ended up being narcissistic and immature and plus he was a wannabe actor. (i guess i don't need to tell you i was the one who got dumped). although he was very good looking, unfortunately he knew it too.

i think one of the important rules to remember when dating is to not to move too quickly and this can be either dismissing the person too quickly or becoming emotionally attached too quickly. i'm almost ashamed to say it but one more than one occasion i didn't go out on a second date with a guy because of something very superficial e.g. fingernails. i was also a victim of moving too quickly. when i liked a guy in my head i'd have the wedding planned and the kids named. surprise surprise neither of those approaches worked very well.

when i finally relaxed and just enjoyed getting to know the guy without heavy expectations from him and from myself, i actually met a nice guy who liked me back! whodda thunk?

[natski]

As you all know from my crazy thread, i have no clue on these issues, so MZ i plan to learn heaps from this!!!

I also think that due to being much younger than everyone here, generally, i dont have the life experience to know much either. All's i know is i hate looking desperate, and in order not too, i let the guy ask me out etc.

After discussing this with friends yesterday we decided that its ok to let a guy know we are interested (i.e me introducing myself to hot train guy) but if they want anything more, its their turn to participate, shouldnt always be up to a chick to do everything! I would like to think if they like you enough they will ask you out...

[dandy_warhol]

I also think that due to being much younger than everyone here, generally, i dont have the life experience to know much either. All's i know is i hate looking desperate, and in order not too, i let the guy ask me out etc.

i don't thinking asking a guy out makes you look desperate. i think it makes you look like you know what you want and you're not afraid to try and get it. too me it speaks more of confidence. it shows that your confident enough that either 1. the guy will want to go out with you or 2. if the guy doesn't want to go out with you it is no skin off your back.

[Yorke790]

Men: Have you ever been picked up by a woman? If so, how did that happen and how did it work out? (ie did you just sleep with her and dump her? did it become a serious relationship? etc)

I've never been picked up by a woman, or at least I've never been confident enough to just assume that that is what it was.

I'm very very introverted, and tend to just stay away from the dating scene because of my complete ineptitude and lack of confidence. As of now, it adds up to an eight year hiatus from dating (a few pseudo first dates here and there, but nothing beyond that), and its looking permanent more and more each year.

[donk]

Every women I have dated, made the first move and asked me out. Most have worked out OK, no psychos or bad weirdness, except maybe from me.

[michaelskis]

Yes, I have been picked up by women before. One of them I dated for a while and it did not work out because we wanted to go different directions in life. Although my current GF did not pick me up, she is not passive and she kissed me before I had a chance to kiss her.

I think that it is a misconception about the need for guys to walk up and talk to a girl. Every time a girl comes up to talk to me, even now, I will still have a conversation with her. I will mention something about my Girl Friend so she does not get the wrong impression, but I think that most guys are flattered when a girl has the confidence to walk up to a guy. I think that a lot of guys are attracted to a woman who is confident like that. It shows the guy that she will not rely on him for everything and can hold her own.

I also think that due to being much younger than everyone here, generally, i dont have the life experience to know much either. All's i know is i hate looking desperate, and in order not too, i let the guy ask me out etc.

Asking out a guy does not make you look desperate. If you walk up to a guy and start up a friendly conversation, then I think that most guys will respond well to that. If you walk up to a guy and try to get into his pants, that might come off as desperate, but you don’t seem like that type.

And there are a lot of younger people in here. I am only 27.

[Lee Nellis]

The most irritating thing is to look back into the past, realize that someone interesting was trying to pick you up, and know that you didn't get it. I now realize that it happened at least twice and I never got it. But I think my contribution to this thread will be to say:

Women need to know how scary it is for guys to initiate contact. The list of reasons you can come up with of why she will turn you down is endless (and quite humourous to an objective observer). Then it gets worse. As you get older you not only have the list of reasons why she will turn you down, you also develop a list of things that will probably go wrong if she says "yes."

At any rate, what mskis says is true: most guys will not think you are deperate. They will be relieved and glad to be having a conversation rather than having to approach you (or more usually decide not to) and have you think that they're trying to pick you up. You have to remember that most guys have little confidence in approaching women. If I wasn't blissfully married (to someone who made most of the first moves, including proposing, although technically I asked her out first), I think I would have gotten past that now and could comfortably (which is actually to say objectively) approach someone I found interesting - but I'm 53. Most of the guys you are talking about have all the same questions, issues, and fears you do.

If you're interested, go talk to them. If you find someone who's uncomfortable with that confidence, you've learned all you need to now and can move on.

[DetroitPlanner]

I've been 'hit on' on more than one occasion. Some have went well for a while, others just crashed and burned. The ones that crashed and burned were typically group activities where I felt like I was a sheep being culled from the herd. Kind of odd to have someone you barely know treat you like a possession to be kept away from everyone else. Especially when she is drunk and you don't drink.

[jmello]

Men: Have you ever been picked up by a woman? If so, how did that happen and how did it work out? (ie did you just sleep with her and dump her? did it become a serious relationship? etc)

One night when I was in college and worked at the school newpaper, we had an end of year get together at a local bar. Coincidentally, I had just broken up with my long-time live-in girlfriend. I organized it and for some reason the only people that showed up were a guy I was good friends with and a girl that I found very attractive. The three of us hung out for a bit. The guy got up to go to the bar and the girl ask me if I ever wanted to "hang out" with her alone (i.e. date). I said sure, how about tonight! She was surprised at my forwardness, but agreed. We ditched the guy and headed back to my house in a cab. I only saw her twice after that, as I was not looking for another long-term GF at the time.

[CosmicMojo]

I hindsight, from my safe, now married seat, I can see I didn't take enough risk in my dating life. So, go out on a limb every once in a while, at least you tried.

I too, often later realized someone was flirting with me and I didn't realize it at the time. So, be receptive to signals and if you think you're picking up on a little interest, respond in kind and something may spark. I never had the nerve to flirt back, so I probably missed a few good chances.

But also, remember that once you let someone know you're interested, it may be good to step back and let them make the next move. If someone wants to follow up, they will. I hate to think how much time I wasted wondering if a guy was going to call when now I know, if he wants to talk, he'll call, period.

[vaughan]

The relationship that has just ended for me, this week, was one that was initiated by the woman. Additionally, it was somewhat of a taboo relationship, and she was pretty darn shy. So her making the first move was HUGE for her. And i accepted, and we just had a wonderful year and a half. We've ended it really recently (tuesday, officially) because of those somewhat taboo issues (one was the age difference- she was 14 years older than me; the other I won't go into), and because we needed to go different ways.

Reflecting on that, we never would have just had the year and a half we had if she hadn't initiated it. If you're interested, go for it.

[otterpop]

Yes. I've been "picked up." Once was at a bar. I was with a bunch of friends and this woman kept giving me the "come hither" look. I realized later it was because I was the only guy there who wasn't with a woman. I smiled at her, but didn't "come hither." Later when I walked out the bar, she followed me out. We talked a bit. She said she needed a ride. We got in my car and after a little bit I realized she really didn't have anywhere in mind to go. I took her back to my place. You can guess the rest. The next morning I couldn't even remember her name. While she was in the shower I checked her purse so at least I knew that much. Made her breakfast. Dropped her off at a bar. Good bye.

The other time I got "picked up" was by a classmate. She would come over to my apartment after school. We were friends. She was the coolest woman Id ever met. She announced one day at my apartment that she fantasized about "lying on my flowered sheets." She had a husband, so that wasn't something I particularly wanted her to do. She actively pursued me, which I must admit I found flattering. She even announced that we were an item at a party (thankfully her husband was not in attendance), and I was pissed off. But I really did like her and was definitely attrracted to her. Eventually she separated from hubby and she and I were then an item. She moved away and for about two years she would just show up unannounced at my house and stay the night. I moved and didn't let her know where to. I haven't seen her for a long time.

Being a shy and introspective fellow, I always appreciated women who made the first move.

[SW MI Planner]

I'm shy in that I have never approached a guy, and don't think I ever would. Once introduced I am quite friendly and I'm a big flirt. But, I flirt with everyone though, so that is nothing new.

[Richmond Jake]

I've only been picked up once. But that was due to a Sadie Hawkins Day dance in high school, so I guess that doesn't count.

[otterpop]

Often it is said: "Why do women date jerks or bad boys?" I think part of the reason is that those bad boys and jerks are not one bit shy about asking women out. Maybe they are not the best men around, but at least they are showing interest. The "nice" guys are more likely to be reticent and less predatory. So women shouldn't be shy about asking men they like out.

[SW MI Planner]

Often it is said: "Why do women date jerks or bad boys?"

Because most men are jerks or bad boys.

Sorry, couldn't resist...

[CosmicMojo]

Often it is said: "Why do women date jerks or bad boys?" I think part of the reason is that those bad boys and jerks are not one bit shy about asking women out. Maybe they are not the best men around, but at least they are showing interest. The "nice" guys are more likely to be reticent and less predatory. So women shouldn't be shy about asking men they like out.

Agreed.
Another reason women date bad boys and men date crazy women is that the bad factor gives us a rush of adrenalin based on the fear. We know we're doing something wrong, dating a bad person and we shouldn't do it, so our body feels a rush of adrenalin. That is what our body does when we sense fear, send some adrenalin out.

The problem is we mistake that rush of adrenalin for the similar feel of lust/passion/love. They do feel similar (butterflies in stomach). We have to learn to distinguish the nuance of difference between the two and note "oh, that's just fear-based adrenalin, NOT passion" and walk away from the bad ones.
(note, I say "we" as an example only, I am happily married!)

Another reason is the bad boys and crazy girls often are more exciting, aminated, lustful. For some reason we think they can be crazy some times, but get frustrated when they end up being crazy all the time. My male neighbor asked me "why do all the best women in bed end up being crazy?" and I said, you just answered your question. They act crazy, ergo they are crazy. You just have to stop thinking you can have your cake and eat it too. You want crazy, great, go for it. But accept that you'll get crazy 24/7. You want stable? Then be consistent and go after some girls who act stable. No more drama queens who flatter you with their effusive attention.

(another note, not saying still waters don't run deep, if you know what I mean. But this guy always goes after dramatic highly emotional women and then gets frustrated 'cause they end up stalking him.)

[clare2582]

The one time that I really laid it on the line and told a guy that I was interested worked out great... turns out he was pretty interested too, but couldn't figure out what my deal was. We still broke up a while later, but it was a pretty good return on my investment.

I don't typically try to pick up guys. I'm not the best conversationalist in the world, and I've had some difficulty talking to guys... or anyone for that matter. Even when they try to pick me up, my mind goes completely blank.

[Jaxspra]

I'll have to start with "I don't date"...I really don't, but I go out a lot and I have a lot of guys/guy friends/potential guys around me. I am not afraid to walk up to a guy and talk, but I don't know that I could ever ask a guy to go out on a date. I definately don't think there is anything wrong with it. I do have a complex though about seeming desperate....

Last night I think I did sort of elude to it though....there is this guy (I have posted in some other thread about the 23 year old guy that has been hitting on me) that I have had an ongoing flirting thing going on for the past few months...we were talking about food or something, I asked him if he liked sushi, he told me he had never eatin it so I said "Well, I'll have to take you out to dinner some night"...I couldn't believe I said it (the several bourbon and diets beforehand may have helped me along ) he said he would love to go out to dinner sometime...(no, we didn't make any plans, as usual I blew it off ...like I said, I don't date )

[Mastiff]

I was kind of like Jax... I never dated in the traditional manner. I had girlfriends and uh, female "buddies" when I was younger, but I never did the "can I take you out to dinner" stuff.

Of course, I'm not real typical these days, either...

[nerudite]

I'm more of a serial monogamist. Find a guy I like, become friends, become more than friends, move in, get sick of each other, move out. Or at least that's how it was during my 14 years of being a bachelorette. Luckily, I broke that habit this last time around. Whew.

I've only been on a few 'real' dates in my life. And none of them were that exciting.

[Michele Zone]

Often it is said: "Why do women date jerks or bad boys?" I think part of the reason is that those bad boys and jerks are not one bit shy about asking women out. Maybe they are not the best men around, but at least they are showing interest. The "nice" guys are more likely to be reticent and less predatory. So women shouldn't be shy about asking men they like out.

Actually, this is an issue that I think is significant. One example that comes readily to mind: I got hooked up with Mr. Zone about 2 weeks before I turned 18. The weekend before my 18th birthday, a guy I knew who was in his mid to late twenties (26 - 28?) came to town hoping to tell me he was interested. He had been such a gentleman the entire time I knew him that I had no idea he was attracted. By the time it was apparent that he really liked me, I was already involved with someone. My age had not stopped another man in his mid twenties from taking me out briefly. It isn't a criminal offense to let on that you find a 17 1/2 year old attractive. You just can't sleep with her. I felt so bad when I realized he came to town that weekend hoping to finally, at long last, let me know how he felt about me and he was just a tad too late.

EDIT:
nerudite, I went on about half a dozen dates when I was 16 and then swore off them "for life". I wonder sometimes how that "vow" will hold up post-divorce. But I really am not a big fan of dating per se.

So many other things I could respond to. Maybe tomorrow.