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Thread: The NEVERENDING Dating Thread

  1. #501
    Cyburbian btrage's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by SW MI Planner View post
    We were already in a relationship - going out for awhile (which, infer what you will by reading between the lines). So basically he says that he needs to sort out his feelings and right now just wants to be friends, but that he cares deeply, misses me, etc. Still calls numerous times a day and makes plans to see me.

    Confusing - he wants to be with me, but yet he doesn't? I don't get it? After dumping me (my wording not his) there is no way he will get the milk for free, so I tend to think that he isn't just trying to get laid. In any event, I really just need to take it for what it is worth - he doesn't know what he wants. In reality I should just stop talking to him or seeing him until he gets his head our of his arse...If it doesn't happen, move on....
    You're probably right. At some point, you just have to take people at their word. And I've been in the situation where the actions don't match up with the words, such as them saying they don't want to be in a relationship but then calling every day. He's definitely confused. It's probably best to follow your own advice.

    If all else fails, you can always make another date with the Captain. I suggest mixing it with Vernor's next time.

  2. #502
         
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    Quote Originally posted by SW MI Planner View post
    We were already in a relationship - going out for awhile (which, infer what you will by reading between the lines). So basically he says that he needs to sort out his feelings and right now just wants to be friends, but that he cares deeply, misses me, etc. Still calls numerous times a day and makes plans to see me.

    Confusing - he wants to be with me, but yet he doesn't? I don't get it? After dumping me (my wording not his) there is no way he will get the milk for free, so I tend to think that he isn't just trying to get laid. In any event, I really just need to take it for what it is worth - he doesn't know what he wants. In reality I should just stop talking to him or seeing him until he gets his head our of his arse...If it doesn't happen, move on....

    Sorry Jax, that sucks. There is a double standard though. Everyone needs to just follow the whole 'say what you mean, and mean what you say' motto. I agree that casual sex is not a relationship, but it should only be acceptable when both people are on the same page. As for me, I believe in monogamy. I have a problem with sharing (hence divorcing my ex h) and it kind of grosses me out to think the person I am with is dipping his wick around town. I also wouldn't be doing that either.

    I did the whole bad guy thing, and not going back there....

    Well the problem here is he is a "good guy", I am the one feeling like the bad guy. He wants more than a casual relationship, I was not aware of that and treated him "like a piece of meat" (I hate that term but its been used here already)...I think I will see him tonight, we'll talk, NOT drink and see if we can get on the same page, about what the other is wanting out of this.
    I really, really thought he wanted a casual "relationship"..and I DO believe in monogamy, and I know he isn't sleeping with anyone else. I can't do that either. My ex screwed my head up anfd left me with trust issues (I am sure you have the same ones) I think thats why I am better at not putting a "lable" on a relationship; that way they can't screw it up ; these are my issues, I need to work on them....

  3. #503
    Cyburbian SW MI Planner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by btrage View post
    It's probably best to follow your own advice.

    If all else fails, you can always make another date with the Captain. I suggest mixing it with Vernor's next time.
    OOH, I will have to try that! My advice AND the vernors!! Hey, your in MI - got any cute single friends? seriously j/k

    Jax - I think you should just talk to him, and hopefully it goes good tonight. He himself said the first night that he didn't want a relationship. That was my whole point of saying the whole say what you mean, mean what you say. He can't very well be upset for the call, or throw it in your face (not that was his intent) of saying you only call when drinking. Just talk about what you each expect from each other. of course, that is always my adivce - just talk to them!! Of course, its probably naive, but I am a darn open book, and I expect everyone else to be too!

  4. #504
    Cyburbian Planning Fool's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by SW MI Planner View post
    OOH, I will have to try that! My advice AND the vernors!! Hey, your in MI - got any cute single friends? seriously j/k

    Jax - I think you should just talk to him, and hopefully it goes good tonight. He himself said the first night that he didn't want a relationship. That was my whole point of saying the whole say what you mean, mean what you say. He can't very well be upset for the call, or throw it in your face (not that was his intent) of saying you only call when drinking. Just talk about what you each expect from each other. of course, that is always my adivce - just talk to them!! Of course, its probably naive, but I am a darn open book, and I expect everyone else to be too!
    It's never easy, is it? Maybe it is naive, but I still think the best policy is to be clear and honest about what you're looking for out of any "relationship" and that goes for both people involved. It's also good to have periodic updates with one another to make sure you're both on the same page and proceeding at compatible paces. To me when you do it that way things go a lot smoother, even if the relationship doesn't work out. Amazingly, I've been able to maintain great friendships with almost all of my ex's because they knew I always respected them enough to let them know exactly what was up instead of leading them on or just saying what they wanted to hear. If someone can't figure out what the hell they want, then you just need to let that person go, so they can figure it out and live your life. That way you can free your self up for when you meet someone who is mature enough to know what he's looking for.
    Prediction is difficult, especially about the future. :-o
    - Yogi Berra

  5. #505
    Cyburbian Plus Zoning Goddess's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Budgie View post
    I share your frustration and believe you observation to be correct. Ladies like the "dangerous" man and then bitch about it when they get burned. Typically the nice guy is the one who offers a shoulder and comforts the lady until her next infactuation with the next prototypical loser. And so the dance continues.....
    This is the LAST time I'm going to post this! You guys can be "nice" but still "exciting". It's all about getting out there and maximizing your contacts because even the Dullest Man In America will find someone who thinks he's hot. (Not extrapolating to my personal relationship, however...) Women and men both, remember guys!, are either shallow, wary, or looking for a relationship. Date the ones in the wrong timeline, you get burnt. Of course, the worst mistake to make, is somebody who looks like Roseanne thinking she's gonna get Brad Pitt, or vice versa; unrealistic expectations pretty much kill your chances.

    RJ and I keep looking at each other and thinking "What do you see in me?" but we're happy. We were looking for the same things at the same time and got lucky. I still think Dan needs to set up a Cyb dating service...
    Last edited by Zoning Goddess; 16 Jul 2007 at 7:53 PM. Reason: more stupid opinions

  6. #506
    Cyburbian SW MI Planner's avatar
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    My deep thought for the night - dating is like house hunting. You might not find exactly what you want the first time, but you need to keep walking through houses to see what it is you want, what you don't want, and what you might settle on...

    OK, so with all this talk about bad guys vs nice guys, monogamy vs. casual sex, what exactly are you guys looking for? What qualities do you think are vital to the success of a relationship with you?

    Here's my short (long) list. I am sure there is more, but too tired to think....

    *Hard working at career and home
    *Honest, open, truthful, faithful
    *Genuinely nice person who is very thoughtful and polite and respectful to me and others.
    *Smart enough to hold a conversation with my boss or family, but not too academic
    *Confident, somewhat outgoing, someone that has the cahones to tell me if I am being a complete brat.
    *Nonsmoker, occasional drinker
    *Someone not lazy. Can sit back and relax once in a while but also fun and spontaneous
    *Someone that is comfortable around me but not so comfortable they crap their pants or pick their nose in front of me.
    *While I am all about cornfed men (6'2"; 225#) looks aren't super important. This seriously sounds canned, but it really isn't. Everyone has their first impressions, but I tend to be someone who usually looks beyond that at their personality. If there is some hot cornfed guy who is a complete cocky ass, he is just way not that attractive to me. On the other hand someone not as hot but super nice and thoughtful will be that much more attractive. I guess one requirement is that they have all their teeth and can dress somewhat appropriately.

    Yah, and as I really do want to get married again and have at least three more kids, I better get on the ball

  7. #507
    Quote Originally posted by SW MI Planner View post
    Here's my short (long) list. I am sure there is more, but too tired to think....
    Hi. My name's Penguin, and I meet all your criteria except the cornfed part. One side of my family hails from Michigan, and they're all 6'6" football player types. Me? I had to get my build from the OTHER side of the gene pool. D'oh.

    Since you asked what we're looking for, here's what I can come up with:

    * Intelligent. I'm not talking IQ of 5000, but I enjoy being able to hold an intelligent conversation about current events, etc. Basically, as long as I don't have to explain everything I say or do, I'm happy.
    * No drugs. Alcohol is okay, tobacco is yucky but I suppose I can tolerate it (although cigarette mouth kisses are icky).
    * Stable, respectable employment, or a desire to achieve same. I don't care if you're waiting tables while going through school, but please be going somewhere with your life. Sure, I don't even know WHERE I'm going, but I know I'm going full steam ahead SOMEWHERE.
    * Physically, I'd prefer someone of average build, between 5'2" and 5'8" (since I'm Mr. Shorty at 5'8"). Might be able to budge to 5'9". Redheads get super-mega-bonus points. (Hey, I'm honest, right?)
    * Tramps need not apply. I don't mind if you do your own thing, because sometimes I'll want to do mine. But don't go running around on me, and then lie about it. Been there, done that, got the emotional scars to show for it.

    Oh, and about emotional scars. You know what? Yes, I've got baggage from past relationships. No, I don't want to repress my memories and issues. If I date anyone, we should get to the point where we are comfortable sharing all of the good things and the bad things from other relationships. I don't think it's right to keep secrets like that. I also don't think it's possible to fully understand and support each other if we don't know what eats at us, what haunts us, what upsets us, etc. We all have our triggers, and I had someone pull one of mine once when I wasn't even expecting it, and that's a REALLY hard thing to deal with. I'd rather deal with the pain of addressing it once, and we both know what areas to steer clear of after that.

    Anyway, that rolls into the next point:
    * Honesty. We're human, we make mistakes. I'd rather learn about your indiscretions, etc. from you, than from YouTube, or MySpace, or your friend.

    Basically, if I had to narrow it down, I'm looking for a best friend, a soul mate, someone almost like a sister (but hot, and who I can canoodle with ). Someone who accepts me for who I am, faults and all.

    And as long as I'm making wild, unfulfillable wishes, I'd like a pony, a bazillion dollars, and my own tropical island.

  8. #508
    Cyburbian SW MI Planner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by SuperPenguin View post
    Hi. My name's Penguin, and I meet all your criteria except the cornfed part. One side of my family hails from Michigan, and they're all 6'6" football player types. Me? I had to get my build from the OTHER side of the gene pool. D'oh.

    And as long as I'm making wild, unfulfillable wishes, I'd like a pony, a bazillion dollars, and my own tropical island.
    It might be a MI thing! I have 18 cousins on my dads side - I am the shortest and I am 5'6". I am the shortest by three inches I might add - everything else is between 5'9" and 6'2". Most are girls too by the way.

    I don't think your list is unreasonable, wild or unfillable at all! They are all completely reasonable, no reason to settle for second best. Have faith!! ok, yah sometimes I feel the same way about my list but trying to be encouraging

  9. #509
    Quote Originally posted by SW MI Planner View post
    I don't think your list is unreasonable, wild or unfillable at all! They are all completely reasonable, no reason to settle for second best. Have faith!! ok, yah sometimes I feel the same way about my list but trying to be encouraging
    Are you telling me that to reassure me, or to reassure yourself?

  10. #510
    Cyburbian SW MI Planner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by SuperPenguin View post
    Are you telling me that to reassure me, or to reassure yourself?
    uhhh, both!

    Jax, how did your night go?!

    Natski - did you talk to him again, or make plans to go out again?!

  11. #511
         
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    Quote Originally posted by SW MI Planner View post
    uhhh, both!

    Jax, how did your night go?!

    Natski - did you talk to him again, or make plans to go out again?!
    Thanks for asking, everything is alright He's not mad, I'm not mad, not sure if we got it all figured out but we figured a little bit out. No commitment on either end, but he is not and has not seen anyone since he met me; he was talking to someone at the same time but hasn't since we met. He is sorry for the mean text but thought mine were mean as well. And thats about it...I grilled him steak and we had a bottle of wine...

  12. #512
    Cyburbian RandomPlanner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Budgie View post
    I share your frustration and believe you observation to be correct. Ladies like the "dangerous" man and then bitch about it when they get burned. Typically the nice guy is the one who offers a shoulder and comforts the lady until her next infactuation with the next prototypical loser. And so the dance continues.....
    Quote Originally posted by Zoning Goddess View post
    This is the LAST time I'm going to post this! You guys can be "nice" but still "exciting"....
    Amen, Sister!! It's silly to think we're all looking for the bad boys out there, especially past a certain age (like 23). Some of us are looking for excitement, but who's to say it can't be found in the guy who offers the shoulder to cry on? And who's to say that the good guy is doing that anyway? My recent good-guy-infatuation is not interested in me crying to him; he doesn't know how to deal with it.
    But he is smart and funny and interesting and (hopefully) the type of guy who will say "oooh, let's go do whatever" and I look at him and say "um, no -- that's crazy", and he takes me by the hand and says "come on, we're doing it!" and we go and it's exciting! [That's what I'm looking for anyway!] Is that too much to ask for?

    (Instead I get a distracted telephone call ending with 'maybe I'll have time to see you in August' and then another call, several hours later, saying 'we need to connect this week; I have one hour increments; when are you available?' Insane, and not in a good way, I don't think!)
    How do I know you are who you think you are?

  13. #513
    Cyburbian SW MI Planner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by RandomPlanner... View post
    (Instead I get a distracted telephone call ending with 'maybe I'll have time to see you in August' and then another call, several hours later, saying 'we need to connect this week; I have one hour increments; when are you available?' Insane, and not in a good way, I don't think!)
    Wow, thanks so much for making the effort to fit me into your busy schedule! I know people get busy, but geez....

    This qoute that I read on myspace comes to mind:

    Never make someone a priority when you are only their option.

  14. #514
    Quote Originally posted by RandomPlanner... View post
    My recent good-guy-infatuation is not interested in me crying to him; he doesn't know how to deal with it.
    I think I have almost the opposite problem -- I don't know what to do if I'm not solving problems, being a shoulder to cry on, etc. As much as I say I despise drama and baggage, I don't feel validated if there isn't something going on. That's probably why I'm drawn to the crazy chicks, "hopeless cases," etc.

  15. #515
    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    I give up. Three cheers for singledom....at least it's free of BS.
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  16. #516
    Quote Originally posted by kjelsadek View post
    I give up. Three cheers for singledom....at least it's free of BS.
    Bah, don't say that! That's extremely discouraging!

    The ladies are dropping out of the race while there's still a single Penguin around! Nooooo!

  17. #517
    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by SuperPenguin View post
    Bah, don't say that! That's extremely discouraging!

    The ladies are dropping out of the race while there's still a single Penguin around! Nooooo!
    Then the single Penguin should visit NJ.
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  18. #518
    Cyburbian dandy_warhol's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by SuperPenguin View post
    I think I have almost the opposite problem -- I don't know what to do if I'm not solving problems, being a shoulder to cry on, etc. As much as I say I despise drama and baggage, I don't feel validated if there isn't something going on. That's probably why I'm drawn to the crazy chicks, "hopeless cases," etc.
    you sound like my brother, i feel for you. you're setting yourself up for failure if you only go after the ones who need to be rescued. you'll never be able to give them all that they need or want. it isn't healthy for you, it isn't healthy for them.

    take care of yourself, love yourself (not in that way sickos!), you are entitled to a good healthy girl, don't sell yourself short.
    In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. -Martin Luther King Jr.

  19. #519
    Cyburbian natski's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by SW MI Planner View post
    uhhh, both!

    Jax, how did your night go?!

    Natski - did you talk to him again, or make plans to go out again?!
    Umm its been a day and no contact from him, and i didnt want to hassle him cause i knew he was working all day and is quite busy. I havent decided if i should iniate plans for another date or he should. Confusing!
    "Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?" Zoolander

  20. #520
    Cyburbian Planning Fool's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by kjelsadek View post
    I give up. Three cheers for singledom....at least it's free of BS.
    Yeah, don't give up. I'm single, but I still have faith. The way I look at it, you should be perfectly happy with yourself and life as a single person and then it's the icing on the cake, when you do meet that right person......at the right time.
    Prediction is difficult, especially about the future. :-o
    - Yogi Berra

  21. #521
    Cyburbian donk's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by kjelsadek View post
    Then the single Penguin should visit NJ.
    SuperPenguin, you are cutting into my territory as one of the resident single guys. We need to set some rules for who gets first shot at whom.

    I currently have claim to all single cyburbia women who live in commonwealth countries and one who lives in Kansas.

    I'll give you NJ and all lands east of the Mississippi and South of the Mason Dixon Line and those that live in Michigan.

    JNA, Dan what part of the globe do you both want before we divy it up further?

    How does this sound to all concerned?

    on a serious note, I am glad to see there are people here worse than me for finding and keeping a woman, it gives me hope in a really weird sort of way.
    Too lazy to beat myself up for being to lazy to beat myself up for being too lazy to... well you get the point....

  22. #522
    Cyburbian SW MI Planner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by donk View post
    SuperPenguin, you are cutting into my territory as one of the resident single guys. We need to set some rules for who gets first shot at whom.

    I currently have claim to all single cyburbia women who live in commonwealth countries and one who lives in Kansas.

    I'll give you NJ and all lands east of the Mississippi and South of the Mason Dixon Line and those that live in Michigan.

    JNA, Dan what part of the globe do you both want before we divy it up further?

    How does this sound to all concerned?
    Hey, about us girls should divy up all the single guys

  23. #523
    Cyburbian DetroitPlanner's avatar
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    Hey I need in on some of that Michigan, Ohio and Indiana action too.
    We hope for better things; it will arise from the ashes - Fr Gabriel Richard 1805

  24. #524
    Unfrozen Caveman Planner mendelman's avatar
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    Take my wife, please.
    I'm sorry. Is my bias showing?

    The ends can justify the means.

  25. #525
    Quote Originally posted by kjelsadek View post
    Then the single Penguin should visit NJ.
    Ah, you must have seen "March of the Penguins," and therefore you know that Penguins will indeed migrate over long distances in search of romance.

    (Although I don't believe they had to deal with the New Jersey Turnpike, either. )

    Quote Originally posted by dandy_warhol
    you sound like my brother, i feel for you. you're setting yourself up for failure if you only go after the ones who need to be rescued. you'll never be able to give them all that they need or want. it isn't healthy for you, it isn't healthy for them.
    No, it's probably not healthy for me, but at least making the effort is satisfying. I've done a lot of stuff in my life, touched a lot of lives I'm sure, but nothing I've done can measure up to actually making a difference for the people I've loved.

    I had something going once, a great romance in the making possibly, and I blew it. Why? Because I couldn't stand to see her engaging in the self-destructive behavior she was partaking in (not the least of which was excessive drinking, drug use, and drunk- and drugged-driving). (She would also later admit to other "really awful" things, though she didn't elaborate, and I didn't ask).

    I drew a hard line with her, and it cost us our relationship, and pushed our friendship to the edge. But you know what? She later came back to me, having changed her ways, and actually thanked me for standing up to her, telling her the way it is, and being there for her. That means more to me than almost anything else I've ever done.

    Now, I've dated "normal" people, people with whom I have a lot in common... and nothing ever comes of it. I find myself thinking, "Where's the baggage? What are the problems to fix? This is too easy!" It's like for me, a relationship has to be work.

    Quote Originally posted by donk
    I'll give you NJ and all lands east of the Mississippi and South of the Mason Dixon Line and those that live in Michigan.
    Sweet! Jersey girls, Southern Belles, and Michiganders! What more could a Penguin ask for?!

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