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Thread: The NEVERENDING Dating Thread

  1. #551
    Cyburbian RandomPlanner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by SW MI Planner View post
    ...I think I freak people out because I am very honest and say whats on my mind....Who knows...... I truly think he is a good guy and is just confused about what he wants. But I've been wrong before
    Yep, I think that's my problem too. For some reason, although we all say we don't want to play games, it seems being straightforward is a trait that takes some getting used to.

    I'm in a similar situation -- he said he doesn't know what he wants and he needs to figure it out, but he wants to continue getting to know each other (while not getting my hopes up or not letting me get hurt or something like that). You're doing the right thing -- laying low and waiting for him to call.
    I, on the other hand, suck at this and end up calling/texting every couple of days just to check in. New resolution -- do not call, do not call, resist the temptation!!
    Last night, he wanted to 'connect', we talked on the phone on the way (his call), sat and chatted for an hour, then talked on the phone on the way home (my call). But again, we're not dating! WTF?
    How do I know you are who you think you are?

  2. #552
    Cyburbian
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    Ladies,
    It seems to me your men are leaving some wiggle room to get some strange without the guilt of cheating on you.

    Disclaimer: I am happily married and NEVER took part in such behavior, but have witnessed it time and time again.

  3. #553
    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    I don't have time for BS and refuse to engage in any.....perhaps yet another reason I am still single....
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  4. #554
    Cyburbian Planning Fool's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by savemattoon View post
    Ladies,
    It seems to me your men are leaving some wiggle room to get some strange without the guilt of cheating on you.

    Disclaimer: I am happily married and NEVER took part in such behavior, but have witnessed it time and time again.
    I hate to say it, but I second that motion.
    Prediction is difficult, especially about the future. :-o
    - Yogi Berra

  5. #555
    Cyburbian Brocktoon's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by SuperPenguin View post
    I actually like that. *shrugs* I'm simple (or simple-minded), I guess, but I would be very happy to not have to beat around the bush when having conversations.
    Quote Originally posted by Planning Fool View post
    Amen!
    I don't want to have to figure out, decipher, or interpret.....just say exactly what you mean ladies!
    I hate to tell you two this but trying to figure out what ladies exactly mean does not end when you are married. If anything,....it gets worse.
    "If you don't like change, you're going to like irrelevance even less" General Eric Shinseki

  6. #556
         
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    RandomPlanner - DO NOT CALL!!!!!! They WILL call if they are interested, if they don't FORGET it!! Erase his number!! (I did that the other night and no sooner than I hit delete to his last text, my phone blew up ) DO NOT CALL them if they do not call you, no if's, and's, but's excuses, NOTHING.

    Have any of you read "He's Just not that Into You"? Or "Admit it, Your not that Into him"? They are very predictable books, stuff we all already know BUT they are GREAT reading material and good reminders that we all (men) included, should not lower ourselves and settle for something thats not right. if you havent read it, go buy it.

    Simple rule - when a man likes you, he shows it. he calls, he wants to see you, etc...thats IT. There are no more excuses.

    SW - Your guy sounds like he might have gotten spooked for a minute and then made up for it...just be careful, if he gets spooked again forget about it.....

    Now why in the hell am I giving advice? I have been single for 4 years (with the exception of booty calls, sorry for the bluntness...) and have not been interested in dating. That said, I got a call this morning from one of my new guys coworkers (also my neighbor, yeah, I got this neighborhood thing goin on ) telling me that he hasn't stopped talking about me in the past few weeks...likes me a lot
    Wasn't what I had in mind when this all started BUT i do like him....still taknig it slow, but I know I haven't stopped smiling since the call this mornin

  7. #557
    Cyburbian Planning Fool's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Brocktoon View post
    I hate to tell you two this but trying to figure out what ladies exactly mean does not end when you are married. If anything,....it gets worse.
    Say it ain't so bro.
    Prediction is difficult, especially about the future. :-o
    - Yogi Berra

  8. #558
    Didn't we have a discussion almost along the very same lines, like three pages back? Or is it just my four hours of sleep per night catching up to me? Blaaah, ZombiePenguin.

    Penguin sez, however: Sometimes it's nice to be called. Sometimes, Penguin wants to call, but doesn't want to seem overbearing/obsessive/stalkerish. It's nice if the ladies act that way sometimes to balance things out.

    Of course, Penguin appears to be the exception to just about every rule.

    Hmm, a new slogan with which to market myself in the dating world: "Penguin -- refreshingly different, differently refreshing!"

  9. #559
    Cyburbian RandomPlanner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Jaxspra View post
    RandomPlanner - DO NOT CALL!!!!!! They WILL call if they are interested, if they don't FORGET it!! Erase his number!!...DO NOT CALL them if they do not call you, no if's, and's, but's excuses, NOTHING. ...Simple rule - when a man likes you, he shows it. he calls, he wants to see you, etc...thats IT. There are no more excuses...
    Yes, I wholeheartedly agree with you. I shouldn't call; I shouldn't text. I considered removing him from my phone yesterday, in fact. I keep saying to myself "he's just not that into me." And one part of my brain totally gets that!

    OTOH, after getting to know him and talking to some of his friends, I can't help but think ... Some girl, someday, is going to be patient with this man. She's going to let him move at his own pace and be patient and supportive and BE THERE when he figures it all out. THIS is the girl that's going to end up with this man. **So why can't I stick it out and be that girl?** Of course, I know that's a huge risk, but what if he's worth it? (Can any of you married folks back me up on this one??)
    Last edited by RandomPlanner; 19 Jul 2007 at 4:02 PM. Reason: *I say patient twice because that's how much is required.
    How do I know you are who you think you are?

  10. #560
    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by RandomPlanner... View post
    Yes, I wholeheartedly agree with you. I shouldn't call; I shouldn't text. I considered removing him from my phone yesterday, in fact. I keep saying to myself "he's just not that into me." And one part of my brain totally gets that!

    OTOH, after getting to know him and talking to some of his friends, I can't help but think ... Some girl, someday, is going to be patient with this man. She's going to let him move at his own pace and be patient and supportive and BE THERE when he figures it all out. THIS is the girl that's going to end up with this man. **So why can't I stick it out and be that girl?** Of course, I know that's a huge risk, but what if he's worth it? (Can any of you married folks back me up on this one??)
    Either he's ready...or he's not. Otherwise you are wasting your time IMHO and life will be passing you by. You shouldn't have to "stick it out" waiting for him to decide if he even wants to date you...do you really want to be his "backup plan"?
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  11. #561
    Cyburbian dandy_warhol's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by RandomPlanner... View post
    Yes, I wholeheartedly agree with you. I shouldn't call; I shouldn't text. I considered removing him from my phone yesterday, in fact. I keep saying to myself "he's just not that into me." And one part of my brain totally gets that!

    OTOH, after getting to know him and talking to some of his friends, I can't help but think ... Some girl, someday, is going to be patient with this man. She's going to let him move at his own pace and be patient and supportive and BE THERE when he figures it all out. THIS is the girl that's going to end up with this man. **So why can't I stick it out and be that girl?** Of course, I know that's a huge risk, but what if he's worth it? (Can any of you married folks back me up on this one??)
    Quote Originally posted by kjelsadek View post
    Either he's ready...or he's not. Otherwise you are wasting your time IMHO and life will be passing you by. You shouldn't have to "stick it out" waiting for him to decide if he even wants to date you...do you really want to be his "backup plan"?
    ditto. patience has nothing to do with it. if he's interested he'd show it and be ready.

    i dated a guy like that and kept telling myself maybe now he's ready to commit, okay, maybe NOW, he's ready, no seriously maybe NOW he's really ready. and lo and behold he was never ready and i spent time and energy to end up exactly where i was in the first place but with a broken heart and a lower self-esteem because i wasn't THAT girl.

    frankly, you're better off without him. why do you want some bozo who can't make up his mind and needs so much work to begin a relationship? relationships take work, no doubt. but don't set yourself up for failure. deep down you know what is best for you. don't be afraid to listen to that voice.
    In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. -Martin Luther King Jr.

  12. #562
    Quote Originally posted by dandy_warhol View post
    ditto. patience has nothing to do with it. if he's interested he'd show it and be ready.
    Guess I should get off my tookus and go out there and start actively searching then, lest I be branded a BozoPenguin.

  13. #563
    Cyburbian dandy_warhol's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by SuperPenguin View post
    Guess I should get off my tookus and go out there and start actively searching then, lest I be branded a BozoPenguin.
    would a BozoPenguin have a red rubber nose?

    if you want to be in a relationship then yes, get out there and start looking, or at least allow yourself to be ready if/when the right girl comes along.

    i in no way think that you should know on the 1st date or 1st meeting that the person is right or wrong. neither am i saying that you need to jump quickly into a relationship. but if some guy or girl is stringing you along, or if you're stringing yourself along pining after someone who doesn't have the same feeling then at some point you need to cut bait.
    In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. -Martin Luther King Jr.

  14. #564
         
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    Quote Originally posted by RandomPlanner... View post
    Yes, I wholeheartedly agree with you. I shouldn't call; I shouldn't text. I considered removing him from my phone yesterday, in fact. I keep saying to myself "he's just not that into me." And one part of my brain totally gets that!

    OTOH, after getting to know him and talking to some of his friends, I can't help but think ... Some girl, someday, is going to be patient with this man. She's going to let him move at his own pace and be patient and supportive and BE THERE when he figures it all out. THIS is the girl that's going to end up with this man. **So why can't I stick it out and be that girl?** Of course, I know that's a huge risk, but what if he's worth it? (Can any of you married folks back me up on this one??)
    I waited around for my ex husband for 10 years. I just KNEW if I was patient, he would "see the light"...10 YEARS..and guess what happened 10 years later? He met someone 2 years after we got divorced and is in love with her (well as much as he is capable of loving anyone) and wants to get married (he never wanted to get married to me, we were trying to "do the right thing" for our four year old child). It was ME he wasn't ready for and I have learned to accept that. They are either ready or they are not ready and there is no point in waiting around for them to figure it out. When the right girl comes into this mans life, he is going to know it and he is going to act on it and show it; if he isn't doing that for you forget about him.

  15. #565
    Cyburbian natski's avatar
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    Gee i go to sleep for a couple of hours and look what i have missed!!!

    Well the person i went on a date with on Monday hasnt contacted me at all

    Yes i did send them a text asking if they wanted to catch up last night- no response to that

    I give up- maybe
    "Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?" Zoolander

  16. #566
    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by natski View post
    I give up- maybe
    Just on him
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  17. #567
    Cyburbian natski's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by kjelsadek View post
    Just on him
    Ha ha yeah!

    I feel guilty cause his job involves weird and long hours, but yeah dont know...
    "Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?" Zoolander

  18. #568
    Quote Originally posted by dandy_warhol
    if you want to be in a relationship then yes, get out there and start looking, or at least allow yourself to be ready if/when the right girl comes along.

    i in no way think that you should know on the 1st date or 1st meeting that the person is right or wrong. neither am i saying that you need to jump quickly into a relationship. but if some guy or girl is stringing you along, or if you're stringing yourself along pining after someone who doesn't have the same feeling then at some point you need to cut bait.
    Hence why I think I need to be better about sharing my feelings. It's awkward, because I do just want to come out and say it, but that's not the accepted norm. We have to "play the game" and flirt and all that. It would be a lot simpler if I said, "Sam, I really like you, and wish to canoodle" and Sam (yes, that's my friend's name, for those of you who are keeping track) says, "Gee, Penguin, I have absolutely no interest in a romantic involvement with you, now or at any point in the future." And then I say, "Ah, understood, Sam. Glad we clarified that. No hard feelings!"

    It's just coming out and actually saying it that's the hang-up for me.

    Along that vein... I was sitting with a friend tonight discussing Sam. I explained that I was having these unusual feelings for her, that I was concerned about her, moreso than I would be concerned about anyone else in a similar situation.

    I'm not saying it's love, or anything else. It's just concern. Compassion. I don't have any siblings, but I'd reckon perhaps the kind of concern a brother would feel for a sister. *shrugs*

    Anyway, I said that I don't know why I feel this extra level of concern for Sam, and my other friend suggested that maybe it's because Sam is a "needy" person. I said, "do you think she is?" And of course, the answer: "I don't know, is she?" Gah. (We need a "banging head into wall" smiley).

    It's given me something to puzzle over, though. What exactly does "needy" mean? She seeks attention? She has bona fide needs that aren't being met? Do I simply perceive her as one in need of ... whatever the heck I'm offering (love, canoodling, help, money, etc.)?

    The way my friend smirked when I revealed this information, however, indicates that perhaps my recent behavior has done little to conceal my conflicted emotions and my feelings for Sam. In fact, I know that's the case, because I notice that I'm much more at ease around people other than Sam. When Sam shows up, I clam up. And being a clam is no kind of behavior for a Penguin!

    Anyway, I'll be confessing all to Sam soon. I'll keep you advised on how things go. Since I know you all are following this like some sleazy, sordid soap opera.

    Oh, and sometimes I really hope that Sam isn't a Cyburbia lurker, because if she is, I'm SO screwed right now.

    Oh oh oh, one more thing, then I'll shut up for a while. Craigslist -- probably not so much the good site for dating and personals, but I have to admit, there's all sorts out there. Wow.

  19. #569
    Cyburbian natski's avatar
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    Well i got a returned message from the guy i went on a date with, wanting to catch up monday- apparently he is working night shift or something i dont know. Suppose shall give him the benefit of the doubt
    "Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?" Zoolander

  20. #570
    Cyburbian btrage's avatar
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    Penguin, don't take this the wrong way.......but I think you just need to go out, have a few drinks, find a reasonably attractive woman, and get laid.

    It's amazing the wonders it can do for the confused mind/heart. And don't give me the whole "I am opposed to one-night stands/booty calls, etc.". As long as you're safe and the other person is a consenting adult, I don't see anything morally wrong with showing yourself a good time.

    I've been the "over-analyzer" before, and looking back now, I realize I was a stupid schmuck and blame my friends for not telling me to grow a pair and either make an ultimatum or move the hell on.

    Now I realize hindsight is 20/20, and I'm no longer in the dating scene, but I just see so much of my former self in you.

  21. #571
    Cyburbian SW MI Planner's avatar
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    Went out last night him that guy, went to dinner, went for a walk, then sat on his balcony to have a few beers. It was a very nice time!

    So he says to me that he he had so much fun and he appreciates that I have given him space because he has needed time to sort things out. I say, what do you need to sort out. He says just how I feel and what I want, not just with you, but in general. (he just changed jobs and moved away from friends and family) Then he says, I know it is incredibly selfish to keep you in my life while I figure out what I want. I say that as long as we are on the same page and stay open and honest with each other than that is fine, but I am not "waiting" for him and somewhere along the line I will realize that that isn't acceptable to me. That he runs that risk...

    SO now that I thought about it - ewwww! He is a very nice guy, but I then got kind of offended like did he just admit to me that I am a backup plan????!!!! Whatever - if he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, then screw him! But on the other hand, I really enjoy spending time with him and talking to him. And besides I myself don't have anything else going on right now, so why not? Just as long as I don't expect anything out of it....(which I can say, but will I follow?!)

  22. #572
         
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    Quote Originally posted by SW MI Planner View post
    Went out last night him that guy, went to dinner, went for a walk, then sat on his balcony to have a few beers. It was a very nice time!

    So he says to me that he he had so much fun and he appreciates that I have given him space because he has needed time to sort things out. I say, what do you need to sort out. He says just how I feel and what I want, not just with you, but in general. (he just changed jobs and moved away from friends and family) Then he says, I know it is incredibly selfish to keep you in my life while I figure out what I want. I say that as long as we are on the same page and stay open and honest with each other than that is fine, but I am not "waiting" for him and somewhere along the line I will realize that that isn't acceptable to me. That he runs that risk...

    SO now that I thought about it - ewwww! He is a very nice guy, but I then got kind of offended like did he just admit to me that I am a backup plan????!!!! Whatever - if he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, then screw him! But on the other hand, I really enjoy spending time with him and talking to him. And besides I myself don't have anything else going on right now, so why not? Just as long as I don't expect anything out of it....(which I can say, but will I follow?!)
    I think its what you can handle. Most women say they can handle one thing and end up getting hurt. If you really think you can do it, then there is nothing wrong with it.

  23. #573
    Cyburbian btrage's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by SW MI Planner View post
    SO now that I thought about it - ewwww! He is a very nice guy, but I then got kind of offended like did he just admit to me that I am a backup plan????!!!! Whatever - if he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, then screw him! But on the other hand, I really enjoy spending time with him and talking to him. And besides I myself don't have anything else going on right now, so why not? Just as long as I don't expect anything out of it....(which I can say, but will I follow?!)
    I think there are certain moments in our lives when we desire a committed relationship. Other times, we just want to date a bunch of people and see what's out there. SW,, I wouldn't say that you're his backup plan. Perhaps he doesn't want to be in a monogamous relationship until he knows for sure that you're "the one" (whatever that means).

    My suggestion is the next time he wants to make plans, tell him you're not available. Hell, tell him you've got a date with someone else. See how he reacts. I realize some may consider this playing games, but really you'd just be protecting yourself and making him a little uncomfortable at the same time. If he thinks there's competition for you, his true nature may come out.

  24. #574
    Cyburbian Planning Fool's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by btrage View post
    My suggestion is the next time he wants to make plans, tell him you're not available. Hell, tell him you've got a date with someone else. See how he reacts. I realize some may consider this playing games, but really you'd just be protecting yourself and making him a little uncomfortable at the same time. If he thinks there's competition for you, his true nature may come out.
    oooh That's pulling out the heavy artillery....but it works. His reaction will tell you a lot about how he feels about the situation. I know because it's worked on me in the past. Sometimes that threat of losing that woman's interest to someone else is all the motivation a guy needs.
    Prediction is difficult, especially about the future. :-o
    - Yogi Berra

  25. #575
    Quote Originally posted by btrage View post
    Penguin, don't take this the wrong way.......but I think you just need to go out, have a few drinks, find a reasonably attractive woman, and get laid.
    If that plan actually worked, don't you think I would have done it already?

    Seriously, no amount of alcohol makes Penguin attractive.

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