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Thread: The NEVERENDING Dating Thread

  1. #1101
    Cyburbian rcgplanner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by btrage View post
    Any chance she's having a "virtual affair".

    If you think it's far-fetched, Google "Second Life affair".

    Yikes! I am not sure she is having an affair, I know the things she does on Second Life. But I know she is addicted, and that causes more strife then what she does on there.

  2. #1102
    Cyburbian cellophane's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by cch View post
    Anyway, I got to wondering... how do single guys with no kids REALLY feel about getting involved with somebody who does have kids? I'm guessing that some guys would have a problem knowing that they will never be my #1 priority, and the fact that I'd only be free to hang out every-other weekend (unless they became special enough to me that I eventually involve them in my daughters' lives). There should be a dating site specifically for single-parents. Or maybe there is... I don't know. I sort of feel like I'd be most comfortable dating someone who had kids themselves, cause they'd "get it".
    when i was younger i dated a girl with a young'in (he turned 1 & 2 while we were dating.) it was interesting at times but i generally enjoyed spending time with both of them. at this point in my life its not high on my priority list to date someone with kids but if i met someone who knocked me off my feet it certainly isnt out of the question. i know when i skim through dating sites i generally dont focus on women with kids but if the rest of the profile looks good i have stopped before.

  3. #1103
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by cch View post
    Anyway, I got to wondering... how do single guys with no kids REALLY feel about getting involved with somebody who does have kids? I'm guessing that some guys would have a problem knowing that they will never be my #1 priority, and the fact that I'd only be free to hang out every-other weekend (unless they became special enough to me that I eventually involve them in my daughters' lives).
    It depends, really. I'd be concerned about the following:

    * If we got married, would I have a role in raising the child?
    * Would the child ever respect me as their stepfather?
    * Would there be an "us versus him" dynamic in the relationship? (Especially if it was a mother and daughter(s))
    * Would I be a part of the family, or just an appendage?

    I'd be concerned that I would have all the work of fatherhood with none of the benefits or joys.

    This may sound selfish, but I'd be wary of dating anyone with a child that was handicapped or MR/DD.



    Another question: is being a cougar "in" now? On match.com, I've noticed that the majority of women in my age group (mid-30s to mid-40s) have an age preference that usually extends far younger than older; for example, a 40 year old woman seeking a 28 to 42 year old man.
    Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  4. #1104
    Cyburbian Plus
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    I agree with Dan on those points.
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  5. #1105
    Cyburbian cch's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Dan View post
    Another question: is being a cougar "in" now? On match.com, I've noticed that the majority of women in my age group (mid-30s to mid-40s) have an age preference that usually extends far younger than older; for example, a 40 year old woman seeking a 28 to 42 year old man.
    Isn't this what guys usually aim for? But there isn't a term to refer to it, when it is men. Personally speaking... I am 32, and if I were to search for a date online I think my range for the guy's age would be 30-37. Maybe I'd miss out on some decent, mature guys in their late 20s. But, the idea of going more than a couple years younger than me sort of weirds me out.

    And Dan, your concerns are exactly the stuff I've thought about, wondering if there would be issues from the guy's end. On one hand I think my divorce would be more difficult on me if I didn't have kids, cause I'd worry that maybe I'll never be a mom, and I'd be extremely lonely without my girls around. But, on the other hand, having kids I fear will definitely make it harder for me to have any future relationships.

  6. #1106
    Cyburbian Plus Zoning Goddess's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by cch View post
    Isn't this what guys usually aim for? But there isn't a term to refer to it, when it is men.
    Sure, there is. We call them pervs or letches. Oh wait, that's only if they're 50 yrs older than the GF. I don't get why women dating men a few years younger are labeled.

    Personally, I wouldn't have wanted to date anyone who didn't have at least an approximate history frame of reference to mine. Like, knew what the Vietnam War was, or had seen "Jaws" first-run in the theater (much greater impact!). Nobody way older or younger, anyway.

  7. #1107
    Cyburbian rcgplanner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Dan View post



    Another question: is being a cougar "in" now? On match.com, I've noticed that the majority of women in my age group (mid-30s to mid-40s) have an age preference that usually extends far younger than older; for example, a 40 year old woman seeking a 28 to 42 year old man.
    Best picture of the week, lol.

    I am not sure why being a cougar is in? Maybe I am a bit old fashioned, but I can't ever see myself dating a woman much older than myself.

  8. #1108
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    Hmm I have a different view. As a gay man with many friends that are "gay dads" I won't go there. The baggage is really heavy.

  9. #1109
    Cyburbian Veloise's avatar
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    Stepparent auditions

    BTDT.

    The kid was four. Dad was not quite divorced when we met.

    Couple time was an issue. Just about every holiday or weekend or early week (they shared visitation) revolved around Junior. The kid and I shared a birthday (the day, not the year!) so our First Year Together I was invited to Chuck E. Cheese. The next year, mom had custody, so "my" day was spent listening to whining about The Ex.

    Dad's ex quickly landed a new SO. That guy's ex had more control over my holidays and special days than I did. (If she wanted to trade custody dates, things rippled down the line, and lil' ol' me, with no exes nor kids, was home alone.)

    One year the three of us spent Valentine's Day eating dinner at Bill Knapp's.

    Actually Junior was a sweetheart, and when I weighed the benefits, he tipped the balance. Dad considered me to be ahead of other contestants who didn't want to go to the water park, the putt-putt game, the kiddie b-day party.

    Visitation issues abounded. Junior was not supposed to know about any adult stuff (although his mom was shacking up left and right). I did not care for being told, "it's 5 am, you have to leave before Junior wakes up."

    Dad presented a full-custody pitch to the courts using me as leverage. "I will provide a traditional family for Junior." (At the time I was self-employed and working from home.) Didn't fly; good thing.

    Hints from Veloise:
    • If the kid is young, you'll be viewed as a cool avuncular figure and be immediately accepted, get to do cool things like make pizza and go on Easter egg hunts.
    • If the parent (and you) are relatively young, you'll get to face the issue of future mutual kids.
    • Discipline! Potty training! Time-outs!
    • Mostly don't worry about it. Dating someone with a ready-made family unit is not unlike dating someone with a big loveable dog, or a NASCAR obsession, or a motorcycle, or who travels hundreds of miles every week to play in sessions. Whatever reality is offered is perfectly normal for this new potential SO, and if you fit, you fit. If you don't, you don't.
    • Reading bedtime stories again is fun.

    In retrospect I should have taken a stronger stance and offered more of an opinion. We'd have split up anyway.

    HTH

  10. #1110
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by rcgplanner View post
    Yikes! I am not sure she is having an affair, I know the things she does on Second Life. But I know she is addicted, and that causes more strife then what she does on there.
    I think you have valid concerns -- and it matters little whether she is having a virtual affair or not. My ex was married to his job and always had 3 or 4 hobbies at any given time. I very much resented his hobbies and routinely referred to them as "his girlfriends".

  11. #1111
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    Quote Originally posted by Dan View post
    ...match.com...
    ^Not the greatest site for people whose last relationship was long & monogamous. That's all I'll publicly post.

  12. #1112
    Cyburbian Plus Zoning Goddess's avatar
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    OK, call me clueless; what is "Second Life"?

  13. #1113
    Cyburbian Plus Whose Yur Planner's avatar
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    I would date a woman with kids. If the relationship evolved to that point, I would mind being part of a family again. There are things I really miss about it.
    When did I go from Luke Skywalker to Obi-Wan Kenobi?

  14. #1114
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Zoning Goddess View post
    OK, call me clueless; what is "Second Life"?
    The "pick up the pieces and move on" life.

  15. #1115
    Cyburbian Raf's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by rcgplanner View post
    BTW, Second Life is one of the worse things for a relationship, (that is why she is up all hours of the night)!
    So is it bad that i play simcity app for the ipod/iphone at night with my wife?
    Men do dumb $hit... it is what they do to correct the problem that counts.

  16. #1116
    Cyburbian SW MI Planner's avatar
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    cch, you'll know when you're ready. Until then, don't let anyone push you into doing something don't know that you are ready for. For a long time after the last boyfriend, even though I wasn't upset any longer about the breakup, the thought of dating made me nauseas. That feeling is slowly going away, yeah!! So, you know when you know.... And I don't know about the online thing. I'd much rather meet someone in person or through friends. You're not too far away, we should plan a mini laefest and I can be your wing girl, ha!! jk (kind of)

    rcgplanner I think that's a crappy situation. You have to figure out what bothers you most about it. You mention the lack of a job and lack of the motivation to get one, but is that the real issue? Or is it that fact that even without a job she isn't contributing really anything to the household or the relationship (from the way it sounds anyway). Only you can figure out what it is you are unhappy with, what would need to happen in order for it to be acceptable, and what will happen if it doesn't get better. Once you figure that out, you need to spell out your expectations to her using clear examples - don't just say you don't feel close to her anymore, tell her that it bothers you when she always goes to bed at 5 when you are waking up. If she doesn't make effort to make it better, *you* will need to make the effort to change things.

    Here's my completely hypothetical quesion of the day.... you have a good friend of the opposite sex that you've known for a long time. Always been platonic and you've gone out for drinks a few times just the two of you. Well, the last time, the friend ends up paying the whole night, even though you try. At the end of the night, the friend kisses you and you end up making out. Completely sober. Opinions as to motive/intent? Anyone?

  17. #1117
    Cyburbian rcgplanner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Zoning Goddess View post
    OK, call me clueless; what is "Second Life"?
    Quote Originally posted by CPSURaf View post
    So is it bad that i play simcity app for the ipod/iphone at night with my wife?
    ZG,Second Life is this online world where users create avatars and interact with each other. Lots of roleplaying. It has it's own currency called Lindens which can actually be exchanged for real money. It's very strange in my opinon.

    CPSU, as long as you are not addicted there's nothing wrong with it. I enjoy playing the Wii from time to time, but I don't spend hours on it each day. My GF spends hours upon hours on Second Life. For example she was on it for at least 13 hours yesterday/this morning. She woke up from a nap when I got home at 6pm last night and was still on it when I left for work at 7:15 this morning.

    OT: How do you like the SimCity on the iPod?

    SW MI, good advice. I need to figure out how to put my feelings in words without sounding accusatory. Now on to your question, my thought is that is there has been a long term friendship and both parties are single, it may be the friend acting on long-held feelings. This may be an awkward situation, b/c romance between long-term friends can be strange, especially if one doesn't see the friend in a romantic light. OTOH, romance and eventual relationships between good friends can be a good thing, since there is already a friendship built between the two people.

  18. #1118
    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    Dating while having children can be interesting. I think it is easier when they are little like when I met my husband, R.T. was about 1.5 years old and her father was checked out of the scene so it made it easier for my ex and her to get on well with each other. I'm sure it's much harder as they get older and more cognizant about what's going on. There are a number of people on the forum that can attest to the uniqueness of dating while having a teenager in the house. I think it's very important that parenting/visitation/custody issues be largely resolved between the exes before embarking on a relationship with someone new to give it a fair shake.

    cch: You just need to do what's right for you and your girls. Tell your ex that your dating life (or lack of one) is your choice and not his business. Frankly, I think he's just trying to get you to date so he can not feel so guilty about his own actions.

    Dan: Sorry to hear about the split. Moving and long distances are hard on relationships. Some of the issues you pointed out probably would have come to play at some point down the road anyways. Take some time off, get settled into the new place and job.

    rcgplanner: A number of things raise red flags. I am sure you know this in your heart. She has a relationship, it's just not with you. Internet use and gaming like she does is an addiction pure and simple. It sounds as if she has multiple issues that you have tried to be patient with over time. I don't think that it's an unreasonable expectation for her to have the house in decent order when you come home if she is not working or actively seeking work/improving her job skills, or doing something else productive. You deserve to be in a relationship where you are getting as much effort put into it from the other side as you are giving.
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  19. #1119
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    Off-topic:
    http://secondlife.com/

    My only previous awareness of Second Life is that some folks on a Cystic Fibrosis forum I belong to are part of it and promote it as a way for members to interact. I can see the appeal to someone with a very serious handicap that keeps them from getting out much. It's part of why I spend so much time online. But I am leery of getting involved in something like Second Life. I was a serious RPGamer in my teens. I know how time consuming such things can be. I gave up RPG's to get an actual life. I have known folks (including my ex) who remained immersed in such things, largely as an avoidance tactic. I knew one man who was 14 years older than me. He was in his early 30's when I was a gamer. He lived with his mom, delivered newspapers for a living, and was perpetually in college. Ran into him while visiting home in my mid to late twenties. He was in his forties. He was still a quarter short of his second bachelor's -- supposedly some technical detail on the college's end was denying him the chance to wrap it up. He still lived in his mom's house, only I think she had died and he had inherited it. Or maybe that came later. I think he finally had a girlfriend in his 40's. He was still delivering newspapers and part of the RPG culture. He was one of two men whose lives inspired me to drop out of college at age 20 on the theory that if I was never going to amount to anything, I could deliver newspapers without being loaded down by a mountain of student loans, thanks.

    Anyway, he was a nice guy and I don't want to talk trash about him, but I also have no plans to fritter away my life pursuing RPG's, Second Life or anything similar. I think I did the right thing giving up RPG's to get an actual life. I don't plan to go back, so to speak.


    If anyone is utterly confused, chalk it up to my raging fever. The guy in the next cubicle has bronchitis. Thanks for coming to work and breathing on us, buddy. (probably a topic for the "daily irritants" thread).

  20. #1120
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    Quote Originally posted by SW MI Planner View post
    Here's my completely hypothetical quesion of the day.... you have a good friend of the opposite sex that you've known for a long time. Always been platonic and you've gone out for drinks a few times just the two of you. Well, the last time, the friend ends up paying the whole night, even though you try. At the end of the night, the friend kisses you and you end up making out. Completely sober. Opinions as to motive/intent? Anyone?
    Wow. How do you feel about this? That would be the place to start. Can you think of any signs from him that led to this? You should be good enough friends to talk about this.

    It sounds like a dream, though. (Warm thoughts about an old friend of mine. )

  21. #1121
    Cyburbian SW MI Planner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by kms View post
    Wow. How do you feel about this? That would be the place to start. Can you think of any signs from him that led to this? You should be good enough friends to talk about this.

    It sounds like a dream, though. (Warm thoughts about an old friend of mine. )
    No signs, other than a mutual friend making a few comments the past month trying to set me up with him (but don't know if she was doing it on her own accord or not). He is very introverted when it comes to this stuff so it was quite shocking. We talked a bit yesterday about work and it briefly came up and both said it was unexpected but both had fun. Maybe he's interested, maybe he was just wanting to make out, who knows. I personally don't have an agenda or anything but not sure what he is thinking at all. And I overthink everything Wow, don't know.... definately not opposed to it at all. In any case, don't want to ruin a friendship.

  22. #1122
    Cyburbian zman's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by SW MI Planner View post
    No signs, other than a mutual friend making a few comments the past month trying to set me up with him (but don't know if she was doing it on her own accord or not). He is very introverted when it comes to this stuff so it was quite shocking. We talked a bit yesterday about work and it briefly came up and both said it was unexpected but both had fun. Maybe he's interested, maybe he was just wanting to make out, who knows. I personally don't have an agenda or anything but not sure what he is thinking at all. And I overthink everything Wow, don't know.... definately not opposed to it at all. In any case, don't want to ruin a friendship.
    Definetly go easy with this, but if something begins, roll with it!

    As an introverted male who had been in the "Friends Zone" with women many times in the past, I was sometimes in this situation and left standing when a chance wasn't given.
    You get all squeezed up inside/Like the days were carved in stone/You get all wired up inside/And it's bad to be alone

    You can go out, you can take a ride/And when you get out on your own/You get all smoothed out inside/And it's good to be alone
    -Peart

  23. #1123
    Cyburbian Brocktoon's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by cch View post
    My soon-to-be ex was raving to me earlier about match.com. I guess he's gone on a couple dates with girls he met on there, and didn't hit it off with either one, but he said there are 100s more girls, and it is fun just meeting new people and having someone to go out to dinner with. He's really urging me hard to sign up on there. But, like I've mentioned before, the idea of dating somebody just sounds like a headache right now and I like focusing my limited free time on myself.

    Anyway, I got to wondering... how do single guys with no kids REALLY feel about getting involved with somebody who does have kids? I'm guessing that some guys would have a problem knowing that they will never be my #1 priority, and the fact that I'd only be free to hang out every-other weekend (unless they became special enough to me that I eventually involve them in my daughters' lives). There should be a dating site specifically for single-parents. Or maybe there is... I don't know. I sort of feel like I'd be most comfortable dating someone who had kids themselves, cause they'd "get it".
    My advice is to start dating when you feel the desire to have someone else to share your life with. One of the worst mistakes you can make is to start dating too soon. Figure out who you are and what you want out of life then worry about someone new. Don't worry about the children aspect a man that you want to spend time with will want to spend time with your children. Any intelligent man that dates a woman with children knows its a package deal.
    "If you don't like change, you're going to like irrelevance even less" General Eric Shinseki

  24. #1124
    Cyburbian
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    Quote Originally posted by SW MI Planner View post
    No signs, other than a mutual friend making a few comments the past month trying to set me up with him (but don't know if she was doing it on her own accord or not). He is very introverted when it comes to this stuff so it was quite shocking. We talked a bit yesterday about work and it briefly came up and both said it was unexpected but both had fun. Maybe he's interested, maybe he was just wanting to make out, who knows. I personally don't have an agenda or anything but not sure what he is thinking at all. And I overthink everything Wow, don't know.... definately not opposed to it at all. In any case, don't want to ruin a friendship.
    My advice is to continue to spend time with him just as you have - as friends - and see where it goes. Have you asked the mutual friend why she thinks she should arrange something more than friendship with him? Or you could just pass her a note that asks if he likes you.

  25. #1125
    Cyburbian cellophane's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by kms View post
    My advice is to continue to spend time with him just as you have - as friends - and see where it goes. Have you asked the mutual friend why she thinks she should arrange something more than friendship with him? Or you could just pass her a note that asks if he likes you.
    i'd agree. it sounds like a good thing waiting to happen

    as another introvert and someone who is generally slow (i.e. retarded) when it comes to the whole dating thing - if i actually manage to make a move and im not plastered its because i like the person and want something to happen beyond being platonic friends. just my shiny nickel worth of input

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