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Thread: The NEVERENDING Dating Thread

  1. #101
         
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    Thanks guys!!

    Good luck Donk and keep us posted

  2. #102
    Cyburbian RandomPlanner's avatar
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    SO...here's the scenario: I've met this guy once or twice (he's a good friend of a good friend/ex-bf) and all my friends love him. He basically does my job in the Town Next Door, and everytime someone talks about him, they tell me how much we have in common. But I've never actually chatted with him; instead we've been introduced at parties or whatever, but then somehow don't speak again.

    And when I've asked in-between-friend (IBF) if he has any single friends to hook me up with [hint, hint], he says no one he can think of. Last weekend, I came out and said to IBF, "Yeah, I really think he and I would get along great -- if we were to ever have a conversation," and IBF (and wife) just laughed and nodded.

    Because IBF is also an XBF , I don't want to come out and say "hey, hook me up with Whathisname", but I'm running out of ideas here. Any suggestions??
    How do I know you are who you think you are?

  3. #103
    Cyburbian SW MI Planner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by RandomPlanner...
    SO...here's the scenario: I've met this guy once or twice (he's a good friend of a good friend/ex-bf) and all my friends love him. He basically does my job in the Town Next Door, and everytime someone talks about him, they tell me how much we have in common. But I've never actually chatted with him; instead we've been introduced at parties or whatever, but then somehow don't speak again.

    And when I've asked in-between-friend (IBF) if he has any single friends to hook me up with [hint, hint], he says no one he can think of. Last weekend, I came out and said to IBF, "Yeah, I really think he and I would get along great -- if we were to ever have a conversation," and IBF (and wife) just laughed and nodded.

    Because IBF is also an XBF , I don't want to come out and say "hey, hook me up with Whathisname", but I'm running out of ideas here. Any suggestions??
    Isn't it annoying when you put yourself out there and they just don't get it (or want to get it!). Just call Whathisname and reintroduce yourself and ask him to meet for lunch to talk about planning issues in your region (hey, how do you deal with traffic, big box, etc.).

  4. #104
    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by RandomPlanner...
    SO...here's the scenario: I've met this guy once or twice (he's a good friend of a good friend/ex-bf) and all my friends love him. He basically does my job in the Town Next Door, and everytime someone talks about him, they tell me how much we have in common. But I've never actually chatted with him; instead we've been introduced at parties or whatever, but then somehow don't speak again.

    And when I've asked in-between-friend (IBF) if he has any single friends to hook me up with [hint, hint], he says no one he can think of. Last weekend, I came out and said to IBF, "Yeah, I really think he and I would get along great -- if we were to ever have a conversation," and IBF (and wife) just laughed and nodded.

    Because IBF is also an XBF , I don't want to come out and say "hey, hook me up with Whathisname", but I'm running out of ideas here. Any suggestions??
    Email him since you know where he works.
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  5. #105
    Cyburbian cch's avatar
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    Maybe IBF just knows, from dating you, that the two of you really wouldn't work together. Or, maybe this guy is really a himbo or womanizer, and the ex and wife really want to protect you. Or maybe he just has an issue with setting you up with anyone.

    If this guy does your job in the town next door, do you ever have occassion to call him up on work stuff? Maybe if there is anything going on in your town, or anything you've heard that his town is working on, you could make up a reason to discuss it. Like, if his town just put out a citizen survey, call him up and say "we may be looking into doing a survey in the future. are there any issues or concerns you guys ran into that we could learn from? if hearing about our projects could ever benefit you, just let me know." You could veil the conversation as an effort towards regionalism.

  6. #106
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by cch
    You could veil the conversation as an effort towards regionalism.

    I don't have a good answer, but I think this type of misdirection has some serious pitfalls. Yes, "work" can be a means to start a conversation. But, if you want to be taken seriously as a professional, then you don't want men to assume you are really calling to get hooked up when you really need to discuss business. So if he's a decent guy (or serious, respectable professional), he may be very, very slow to wonder if you are really calling out of romantic interest. On the other hand, if he is very quick to assume you are calling out of romantic interest, that might not bode well for the future of the relationship because he may be the type of guy who assumes that if a woman talks to him, she must want him.

    I wish I had the perfect answer. I don't. I just would personally hesitate to use "work" as an excuse. "Mutual friends" seems to usually be a better excuse that is more conducive to developing a personal relationship.

  7. #107
    Cyburbian cch's avatar
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    Michele, of course I wasn't entirely serious in my suggestion.

    But I did once take a similar route when it came to a planner who was an acquantance, for a neighboring jurisdiction, who I kind of wanted to develop a friendship with, being that I was new in town and I was missing having female friends around, and I thought we'd get along. We knew each other slightly, cause we had a couple classes together in college, even though 4 years had gone by and now we were living in a different state than where we were from (small world), and we had to occassionally have phone conversations about extraterritorial review stuff. We were just super friendly together on the phone, often with conversations swaying away from the issue at hand, and we had a lot to discuss once we were buying homes around the same time, being pregnant around the same time, we ended up studying for the AICP together and both passing. Of course, I developed this relationship for platonic reasons, but I don't see why it couldn't work for romantic reasons, as long as it starts off platonic.

  8. #108
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by cch
    Michele, of course I wasn't entirely serious in my suggestion.

    Of course, I developed this relationship for platonic reasons, but I don't see why it couldn't work for romantic reasons, as long as it starts off platonic.
    I wasn't trying to bust your chops, just throwing out my 2 cents worth. If anyone here has had success using "let's discuss work" as a ploy, by all means, speak up and tell us how you did it. It is just my observation that (as Mastiff keeps saying) men are obtuse about such things and since men invest a LOT of their identity in their career and can get in MAJOR trouble for "sexual harassment" if there is a misunderstanding, I just think this approach has some serious pitfalls. I have met half a dozen men via mutual acquaintances who had no trouble expressing romantic interest in me. But, in my experience, it is MUCH trickier to discretely express romantic interest and inquire if the feeling is mutual when there is some kind of "professional" basis for the relationship. Men who know me "professionally" may be very warm, friendly, charming and very much enjoy my company. But they have a very hard time crossing some invisible line and saying that all this warmth, charm and so forth that they are exuding is because they REALLY like me and wish to know if the feeling might be mutual. Even when they do manage to express that, there can be a feeling of conflict of interest, etc, etc.

    So it just seems to me that if there is a valid choice between calling someone and saying either A) "Let's get together and discuss something work related." or B) "Hey, I have met you through our mutual friends, Jack and Jill, and I happen to know we have a lot in common, such as similar professions. I was wondering if you might want to grab a cup of coffee together and just talk." then I happen to think B is more likely to set up a situation where a personal relationship (whether platonic or romantic) has the chance to flourish. Calling someone up and asking them to talk shop with you may well get you EXACTLY what you asked for and nothing else, which could rapidly become frustrating because you might interpret it as "rejection". Then if you accuse him of "rejecting" you, you may get told "What the &(*)&( are you talking about??? You never ASKED!" Additionally, if you don't have a specific work-related issue you want to discuss, your overture may also be interpretted as "wasting my valuable time".

    That's my take on it. My take is hardly "the final word". Heck, I spent most of my adult life married and I am not into the whole dating thing. So folks who have more experience than I do with such things are more than welcome to blow my silly ideas out of the water with better suggestions.

  9. #109
    Cyburbian Plus Zoning Goddess's avatar
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    I say go for it. You're not in the same jurisdiction so he has more leeway. Meet on something genuinely needed to be discussed. Then see if he makes a move.

  10. #110
    Cyburbian RandomPlanner's avatar
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    Well, I have been thinking of everyone's advise and can clearly see both sides. I certainly don't want to come across that I'm not serious about my job and am looking to pick up guys through/at work. On the other hand, if I could think of something realistic to ask him that's work-related, I think we could get a repore (spelled wrong?) going that could possibly carry into other topics the next time I run into him (since we obviously have been introduced outside of work to begin with).
    I've been wracking my brain and have yet to come up with a topic yet, since we don't actually have identical careers -- he does more water conservation, which I honestly know almost nothing about. Maybe I could read up and come up with a question for him.
    Or maybe I could just suck it up and call the IBF's wife and ask her to help. Problem there is that she's never really liked me and we're just now getting to know each other. It's a weird situation all the way around!!
    How do I know you are who you think you are?

  11. #111
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by RandomPlanner...
    Well, I have been thinking of everyone's advise and can clearly see both sides. I certainly don't want to come across that I'm not serious about my job and am looking to pick up guys through/at work. On the other hand, if I could think of something realistic to ask him that's work-related, I think we could get a repore (spelled wrong?) going that could possibly carry into other topics the next time I run into him (since we obviously have been introduced outside of work to begin with).
    I've been wracking my brain and have yet to come up with a topic yet, since we don't actually have identical careers -- he does more water conservation, which I honestly know almost nothing about. Maybe I could read up and come up with a question for him.
    Or maybe I could just suck it up and call the IBF's wife and ask her to help. Problem there is that she's never really liked me and we're just now getting to know each other. It's a weird situation all the way around!!
    My suggestion: If you think you might run into him again, rather than trying to call him or get someone to hook you up, instead, focus on what you might do to subtly but effectively grab him by the lapels and occupy all his attention for the rest of the evening the next time you run into each other. No, it isn't a quick solution. But my attempts to tell men upfront that "I really like you and wish I could get to know you better" have routinely been met with one of two responses, both equally disastrous: 1) "Oh, goody, cheap floozy whom I can use for sex and treat like dirt" or 2) "Oh, god, psycho-stalker from hell. How can I ditch her? And I mean FAST!"

    Feel free to ignore that advice. I have thought long and hard about what I want from a relationship in the future and have concluded that "dating" isn't the answer and being perceived as "throwing myself at someone" isn't the answer, etc. What I want and what you want may be completely different things. And what I need to make a relationship work and what you need to make it work may also be very different things. And, hey, maybe you don't have whatever defect I have that gets such negative reactions from men when I am very blunt with them. Like maybe it is my blood drenched fangs or dragon scales which puts men off and perhaps you lack those.

  12. #112
         
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    My new guy ended up not going to the game (I went, not SO fun, we lost) BUT he did call today to see if I wanted to get together after he got off work
    Sooooo, I think I have a sort of date this evening

  13. #113
    Cyburbian RandomPlanner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by donk
    Congrats, have fun and I am working on good news too.
    Quote Originally posted by Jaxspra
    ...Sooooo, I think I have a sort of date this evening
    So, a weekend has passed and we haven't seen any updates. How did it go??
    How do I know you are who you think you are?

  14. #114
         
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    Met up with him Friday evening, by the time he met my friend and I, we had already been drinking (heavily ) not sure he knew what hit him by the time he found us , but we had a great time. He's a nice guy, still not too sure where it will end up....

  15. #115
    Cyburbian donk's avatar
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    We are planning on going out wednesday. Unfortunately, our schedules have not matched too well the past 2 weeks.
    Too lazy to beat myself up for being to lazy to beat myself up for being too lazy to... well you get the point....

  16. #116
         
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    Uh oh, things may be getting out of hand for me He called yesterday evening to see if I wanted to hang out and have a few beers....went over to his house, had a few beers, chit chatted for a bit...headed home...
    Have seen the same guy, three times in 2 weeks

  17. #117
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    Quote Originally posted by Jaxspra
    chit chatted for a bit...
    Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

  18. #118
         
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    Quote Originally posted by Tranplanner
    Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
    ha ha ha...some people still do "just talk" ....

  19. #119
    Cyburbian donk's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Jaxspra
    Have seen the same guy, three times in 2 weeks
    I see a and not so it can't be that serious.
    Too lazy to beat myself up for being to lazy to beat myself up for being too lazy to... well you get the point....

  20. #120
         
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    Quote Originally posted by donk
    I see a and not so it can't be that serious.
    ha ha...not yet...like I have said we have known each other for 10 years, lost touch for a bit and its like we are just catching up right now...I am so wierd about dating stuff, but this is comfortable, we just hang out...no dates, yet....

  21. #121
    Cyburbian biscuit's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by donk
    I see a and not so it can't be that serious.
    So how long before you take a trip to Saint Louis? Should we start a collection to get you there?

  22. #122
    Cyburbian donk's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by biscuit
    So how long before you take a trip to Saint Louis? Should we start a collection to get you there?
    I'll let you know if this is necessary after dinner tonight.
    Too lazy to beat myself up for being to lazy to beat myself up for being too lazy to... well you get the point....

  23. #123
         
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    Quote Originally posted by donk
    I'll let you know if this is necessary after dinner tonight.
    You all better keep ME posted as well

    joking aside, have fun at dinner!! hope ya like tapas

  24. #124

    Speaking of finding "the RIGHT guy...."

    Anybody else watch "Finding the Right Guy," on ABC Monday Night? Some interesting dynamics there......
    Forechecking is overrated.

  25. #125
    Cyburbian donk's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Jaxspra
    You all better keep ME posted as well

    joking aside, have fun at dinner!! hope ya like tapas
    Seemed to go well. Hopefully our schedules mesh better and we get to go out again soon.
    Too lazy to beat myself up for being to lazy to beat myself up for being too lazy to... well you get the point....

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