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Thread: The NEVERENDING Dating Thread

  1. #176
    Cyburbian natski's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by donk View post
    Well i know what class room she is in on the night that I also have a class, so it will be pretty easy to bump into her again.
    Thats good, you can just casually see her at night and see how she acts and play it by ear!
    "Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?" Zoolander

  2. #177
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    My 2 cents...

    Quote Originally posted by donk View post
    So I interpreted the touching and personal closeness properly then?

    I'd never met her before, and usually don't put out "touch me" vibes.
    Usually, men initiate touching. It is kind of an "unstated rule". Having not been there in person to see firsthand what transpired, let me suggest three possibilities:

    1) She is just a really touchy person who is young enough to not know yet that this is not socially acceptable and gets interpretted wrong by a lot of people. (Me as a teen, giving every friend I knew a massage -- in public even. Some people thought I was a tramp, who was clearly sleeping with all these guys. I had no idea where they got such bizarre ideas.)

    2) She thinks you are SO "safe" in a "let's just be friends" sort of way that you can't possibly misinterpret her affection as a come-on.

    3) She is being remarkably forward and you really need to be less slow on the uptake.

    I suggest you find a way to determine which it is fairly quickly. If it is #3, it is likely that being too slow on the uptake will be interpreted as rejection, "he thinks I'm ugly!", and all kinds of additional emotional drama. (Or maybe I'm the only woman like that and all other women deal with dating stuff in a completely unemotional, logical fashion.)

  3. #178
    Cyburbian natski's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Michele Zone View post

    3) She is being remarkably forward and you really need to be less slow on the uptake.
    I was hoping that she was #3, but i still think the whole touching thing is weird...

    Meh can't judge her i guess! But its fun to try!
    "Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?" Zoolander

  4. #179
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by natski View post
    I was hoping that she was #3, but i still think the whole touching thing is weird...

    Meh can't judge her i guess! But its fun to try!
    I would tend to assume #3 as well. However, I wasn't THERE, so that does make it more difficult to guess what is going on.

    And your comment that the whole touching is weird strikes me as "cuz you are a woman and you know the unstated rule".

  5. #180
    Cyburbian donk's avatar
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    To keep on topic, moving my response to this thread.

    http://www.cyburbia.org/forums/showp...ostcount=12607
    http://www.cyburbia.org/forums/showp...ostcount=12608
    http://www.cyburbia.org/forums/showp...ostcount=12609
    http://www.cyburbia.org/forums/showp...ostcount=12610
    http://www.cyburbia.org/forums/showp...ostcount=12611


    1) I expect her to be in her late 20's early 30's based on our conversation.

    2) Not sure if I am considered "safe" or not.

    3) I was receptive to her touching my arm, and offered her my name and a handshake to say hello.

    It will take until Monday to find out what happened when I see her classmate and see if he has any gossip.
    Too lazy to beat myself up for being to lazy to beat myself up for being too lazy to... well you get the point....

  6. #181
    Cyburbian natski's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by donk View post
    To keep on topic, moving my response to this thread.

    http://www.cyburbia.org/forums/showp...ostcount=12607
    http://www.cyburbia.org/forums/showp...ostcount=12608
    http://www.cyburbia.org/forums/showp...ostcount=12609
    http://www.cyburbia.org/forums/showp...ostcount=12610
    http://www.cyburbia.org/forums/showp...ostcount=12611


    1) I expect her to be in her late 20's early 30's based on our conversation.

    2) Not sure if I am considered "safe" or not.

    3) I was receptive to her touching my arm, and offered her my name and a handshake to say hello.

    It will take until Monday to find out what happened when I see her classmate and see if he has any gossip.
    Well i hope it all works out well for you!!
    "Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?" Zoolander

  7. #182
    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by donk View post
    So I interpreted the touching and personal closeness properly then?

    I'd never met her before, and usually don't put out "touch me" vibes.
    touching and encroaching on personal space generally means someone is interested especially if you haven't met before or know each other well. have fun.
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  8. #183
    Cyburbian donk's avatar
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    There must be something in the air at school, another woman came up to me today and started chatting and commenting on my appearance and asking questions about my glasses out of the blue. I think having an arty/urban/downtown look in a school full of engineers and accountants differentiates me, plus being one of the tallest(not freakishly tall, but tall) makes me stand out amoung the other students.
    Too lazy to beat myself up for being to lazy to beat myself up for being too lazy to... well you get the point....

  9. #184
    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by donk View post
    There must be something in the air at school, another woman came up to me today and started chatting and commenting on my appearance and asking questions about my glasses out of the blue. I think having an arty/urban/downtown look in a school full of engineers and accountants differentiates me, plus being one of the tallest(not freakishly tall, but tall) makes me stand out amoung the other students.
    Enjoy it my friend.

    My dating random: I recently met somebody nice in the planning school's computer lab but he is an environmental PhD student and not a planning student. We end up in the lab at the same hours and usually sit next to or near to each other and chit chat between doing work. If one of us goes for coffee or tea the other brings one back for the one that stayed. I invited him for dinner and he came last week and enjoyed the food and meeting my daughter. Now he calls every couple of days and asked me and my daughter out to go to the mall (now that's the way to a teenager's heart!) and out to dinner and we had a lovely time.
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  10. #185
    Cyburbian natski's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by donk View post
    There must be something in the air at school, another woman came up to me today and started chatting and commenting on my appearance and asking questions about my glasses out of the blue. I think having an arty/urban/downtown look in a school full of engineers and accountants differentiates me, plus being one of the tallest(not freakishly tall, but tall) makes me stand out amoung the other students.
    Quote Originally posted by kjelsadek
    Enjoy it my friend.

    My dating random: I recently met somebody nice in the planning school's computer lab but he is an environmental PhD student and not a planning student. We end up in the lab at the same hours and usually sit next to or near to each other and chit chat between doing work. If one of us goes for coffee or tea the other brings one back for the one that stayed. I invited him for dinner and he came last week and enjoyed the food and meeting my daughter. Now he calls every couple of days and asked me and my daughter out to go to the mall (now that's the way to a teenager's heart!) and out to dinner and we had a lovely time.
    This is great guys! Im v. jealous!!!
    "Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?" Zoolander

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    Glad to hear everyone is having fun dating!!! I myself had to let the youngster go good looks don't compare to lack of real conversation....he is gorgeous and sweet but the lights above are dim to burnt out.
    But I was out this weekend and met 2 different guys and visited with another I have been eyeing for a few weeks....
    After actually "dating" someone for close to 5 months, I realized I am still not ready for anything serious, or maybe I just wasn't ready with him. Regardless, I am having a great time for now....

  12. #187
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    A question to the throbbing brain: what's the most polite yet honest way to tell someone that is overweight that I'm not attracted to them?

    Why do I ask? Well, on match.com, I often get winks and messages from women whose profiles show that we're very compatible, and that we share a common mindset. However, she might list her body style as "average" with only photos showing only a chubby face and nothing blow the neck, or she checks the "few extra pounds" category. I don't like to ignore messages, so I try to reply. However, I don't want to offer the "I don't think we're a good match" BS. When I tell the "average" women with the face-only or FGAS photos that I'm reluctant to correspond more because I don't know if they're average as in weight-height proportionate, or average as in the fat advocacy "the typical woman in the US is a size 18" argument, I usually get angry responses.

    In the real world, there are a few women that have been making overtures, but again they're large. If I say "not interested," and they ask why, how do I politely tell them?

    It seems like it's okay for a woman to reject a man if he's short, but it's wrong for a man to reject a woman because she's fat; you get the arguments that it's superficial, that you should really look at what's on the inside, that because a man isn't interested in a large woman then he must only be attracted to skinny models, and the like.

  13. #188
    Cyburbian Richmond Jake's avatar
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    Dan, I don't think you need to give any explanation. If it's a face-to-face meeting, at the end just say, "Hey, it was nice to meet you. Perhaps our paths will cross again sometime." Then head out into the drizzle of rain to your vehicle and leave. But if she's not a porker and is cute, you might want to maintain contact. Wait, where am I going with this? Never mind. Flashback. Keep walking, folks.

  14. #189
         
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    Dan -
    I think RJ is right. You don't owe them an explanation. Its online dating (or real world contact) and you are trying to find a person that is right for YOU, the "average" doesn't matter.
    But let me say one thing about being picky about looks/weight. I chased this hot young guy around for a few months and finally he responded. He was gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous. We dated for about 5 months and as time went on, the fact that we had nothing in common made the physical appeal less and less. Physically this guy was everything I thought I wanted, 5 months into it I couldn't stand to talk to him.
    I am going on a date this Sat night with a guy that I would have never looked at twice but I met him through my best friend last weekend, we all had a great time and he asked me out this weekend. I am not physically attracted to him, but after the last relationship, I am realizing I have to give something else a chance. I can't believe I am saying this as I thought physical attraction was the most important and anything else could be worked on....not true, physical attraction really means nothing if there isn't anything else.
    I know that isn't what you were looking for (in fact you said it in your post), and I am not telling you to date a fat woman, but maybe try to get to know one or two of the women you find you are very compatible with and see where it goes....weight can always be lost with the right motivation!!!!

  15. #190
    Cyburbian donk's avatar
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    I've dated a few people that when I first met them did not meet my ideals of beauty, but they grew on me as a person and became attractive. I'd say unless someone is waaaaaaay out there they deserve a chance. what is the worst that happens, you have a good dinner or see a gallery show with someone for a few hours then never see them again. I'd say that is better than sitting at home alone.
    Too lazy to beat myself up for being to lazy to beat myself up for being too lazy to... well you get the point....

  16. #191
    Cyburbian SW MI Planner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Dan View post
    A question to the throbbing brain: what's the most polite yet honest way to tell someone that is overweight that I'm not attracted to them? (snip) In the real world, there are a few women that have been making overtures, but again they're large. If I say "not interested," and they ask why, how do I politely tell them?
    Would you tell someone you are not attracted to someone because they are ugly? Probably not, so why would you have to tell anyone that you are not attracted to them because they are overweight? In this case, I don't really think honesty is the best policy. Just tell them that it was nice talking with them, but you are not interested. If all else fails tell them you hit it off with someone else.
    Quote Originally posted by Dan View post
    When I tell the "average" women with the face-only or FGAS photos that I'm reluctant to correspond more because I don't know if they're average as in weight-height proportionate, or average as in the fat advocacy "the typical woman in the US is a size 18" argument, I usually get angry responses.
    Can't imagine why
    Quote Originally posted by Dan View post
    It seems like it's okay for a woman to reject a man if he's short, but it's wrong for a man to reject a woman because she's fat
    IMHO, it's not wrong to reject anyone for whatever reason - it is however *wrong* to tell them that your rejecting them because they are short, fat, ugly, etc.

  17. #192
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by donk View post
    I've dated a few people that when I first met them did not meet my ideals of beauty, but they grew on me as a person and became attractive. I'd say unless someone is waaaaaaay out there they deserve a chance.
    Really, I can't find myself physically attracted to a woman that is larger than me. God knows I've tried, and it just doesn't work. I can have "It's what's on the inside that counts" and "Don't let society dictate what's attractive - think for yourself" hammered into my head over and over again, and I still won't find her attractive.

    Quote Originally posted by SW MI Planner View post
    Would you tell someone you are not attracted to someone because they are ugly? Probably not, so why would you have to tell anyone that you are not attracted to them because they are overweight? In this case, I don't really think honesty is the best policy. Just tell them that it was nice talking with them, but you are not interested. If all else fails tell them you hit it off with someone else.
    Well, in one case (a young adult group), telling her that I'm dating someone else won't help, because others know I'm really single.

    There's also the match.com profiles where I have no idea if the woman behind the profile is overweight or not. Just as men fib about their height or income, women fib about their weight. I've met more than my share of women who claim to have "average" bodies who turn out to be large, so I'm very wary of face-only shots when there's no other clues in the ad. How do I ask?

  18. #193
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    At the risk of shooting myself in the foot while trying to be helpful

    Quote Originally posted by Dan View post
    Really, I can't find myself physically attracted to a woman that is larger than me. God knows I've tried, and it just doesn't work. I can have "It's what's on the inside that counts" and "Don't let society dictate what's attractive - think for yourself" hammered into my head over and over again, and I still won't find her attractive.
    I have observed that men of very high IQ seem to fairly frequently focus overly much on "looks" and/or other things which boil down to treating women like sex objects, even when they espouse ideals to the contrary. My personal conclusion is that many of them have not had the opportunity to be involved with someone of roughly similar IQ thus have had the unfortunate experience that most relationships are about as deep and meaningful as sleeping with a talking blow-up doll (aka "an air head"). I have further noted that when such men do have the opportunity to hook up with someone of sufficiently high IQ who is also compatible to some degree in other ways, they seem to change their tune about what is important to them. Real intimacy does not seem possible with someone who simply cannot understand you. So if you have not ever been involved with anyone sufficiently like you, no, you won't be able to connect in a manner which gives personal meaning to the truism that "what's inside counts more than looks".

    Just my 2 cents worth.

  19. #194
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Michele Zone View post
    My personal conclusion is that many of them have not had the opportunity to be involved with someone of roughly similar IQ thus have had the unfortunate experience that most relationships are about as deep and meaningful as sleeping with a talking blow-up doll (aka "an air head")..
    Do you believe that intelligence has an inverse correlation with physical attractiveness, because that's the impression I'm getting.

    No, I don't date pretty airheads. They're boring. I'm not looking for arm candy. Why do people assume that if you're not attracted to overweight women, then you must be looking for a size 0 waif or a Playboy centerfold? It's the same as saying if women don't want to date someone shorter than they are, then they must be looking for basketball players. There ARE people in the middle, you know.

  20. #195
    Cyburbian Wannaplan?'s avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Dan View post
    When I tell the "average" women with the face-only or FGAS photos that I'm reluctant to correspond more because I don't know if they're average as in weight-height proportionate, or average as in the fat advocacy "the typical woman in the US is a size 18" argument, I usually get angry responses.

    In the real world, there are a few women that have been making overtures, but again they're large.
    You are going to die as a very lonely man.

  21. #196
    Cyburbian zman's avatar
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    Just roll with it, find what you work best with. There are certain "looks" things I am not atrracted to in women either, I think everyone has their preferences. I also do not think that looks should be everything in a relationship, but there has to be some sort of physical attraction, after all, that is what gets your "foot-in-the-door" relationship wise.

    For the record, Dan, I am not thinking you're one of those "No Fatties Please" kind of guys, you are just looking for someone different. I understand that. I think that weight is such an issue for people in out world, that people are more sensitive to reaction to overwieght people and I believe you are being unfairly dumped on here.

    I also think that you do not need to reject someone with comments about looks, just say the real truth which is that she won't work out for you.

    Don't kick yourself over this. It'll be much harder to say goodbye later after leading someone on and trying to make things work for you, than to meet briefly and go your separate ways.

    You MUST look out for yourself first and formost in dating, or else you eat yourself away inside later. (Based upon MY experiences -- in the past).
    You get all squeezed up inside/Like the days were carved in stone/You get all wired up inside/And it's bad to be alone

    You can go out, you can take a ride/And when you get out on your own/You get all smoothed out inside/And it's good to be alone
    -Peart

  22. #197
    Cyburbian SW MI Planner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Dan View post
    Well, in one case (a young adult group), telling her that I'm dating someone else won't help, because others know I'm really single.
    You know, I don't know what to tell her, but please please please don't tell her it is because she is fat.

    Quote Originally posted by Dan View post
    I've met more than my share of women who claim to have "average" bodies who turn out to be large, so I'm very wary of face-only shots when there's no other clues in the ad. How do I ask?
    You don't! Ask her to go rollerblading or hiking or something active. Be forwarned that there are some of us girls that are overweight that love that stuff you might still get stuck with some overweight gals. Chalk these up to a learning experience (you should be able to learn something from every person you meet).

    Quote Originally posted by zmanPLAN
    For the record, Dan, I am not thinking you're one of those "No Fatties Please" kind of guys, you are just looking for someone different. I understand that. I think that weight is such an issue for people in out world, that people are more sensitive to reaction to overwieght people and I believe you are being unfairly dumped on here.
    Yah, but he is, his first post basically said no fatties please without coming out and saying it. And he most certainly isn't getting dumped on! I actually expected a lot more harsher comments.

    Your right though - everyone has their preferences. I don't have an issue with weight on a guy, and I actually prefer cornfed men, but wouldn't necessarily go out with someone that I found unattractive. Donk is right though - sometimes people that you wouldn't ordinarily think twice about becomes that much more attractive when you get to know them.

  23. #198
    Cyburbian dandy_warhol's avatar
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    i don't think the focus really needs to be on the weight/height ratio. the fact is you aren't attracted to a person for whatever reason. the focus should be how you tell a person in a nice manner that you're not interested in them, regardless of whether they're too fat, too skinny, too much hair, not enough hair, too many piercings, not enough piercings, etc. like others have mentioned you don't have to tell the person the specifics.

    obviously there needs to be some physical attraction because sex is a part of a healthy relationship.

    from personal experience, being too picky when it comes to a potential date is often a defense mechanism to protect oneself from getting hurt in the dating process. "hey, if i can find a fault with them first then i won't be the one getting hurt." heck, i've not gone on a second date with a guy b/c i didn't like his fingernails. when you get rid of rules like "i don't date brunettes" or "i don't date women over a certain height/weight ratio" the dating pool increases and you meet a lot more people. the dating process is about learning about yourself and about the other person.

    if i was on match.com and got a message from a guy saying, "i'm reluctant to correspond until i find out if you've just got a chubby face or if you've got padding all over", the first thing i would do would be to hit DELETE. and then compose a response in my head stating "i'm reluctant to correspond futher until i find out if you have the correct length/width ratio."
    In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. -Martin Luther King Jr.

  24. #199
    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    Being a woman of the large persuasion myself here goes....

    Each of us has our own idea of what is attractive. Period. This can mean physical or personality attributes. I don't think that Dan is off base in saying he doesn't like overweight women because that is not what he is physically attracted to. A little shallow maybe, but to each their own.

    I know what size I am and don't misrepresent it, I have many great qualities not related to my physical appearance. I have dated men of all shapes and sizes none of which have ever said anything about my size nor seemed to have an issue with it so perhaps I have been lucky. However, if you are going to reject a person on the basis of appearance no need to be hurtful about it, just be polite and say something like I think you are a great person, but you are not for me.

    As several people have mentioned before me "What initially is attractive turns out to not be so attractive in the end, and even if the initial attractiveness level isn't there it may come later."
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  25. #200
    Cyburbian natski's avatar
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    my 2 cents

    I find it very strange that you can judge someone by a photo and a little blurb about themselves. You should also consider that most people have no idea how to take a good photo and that the photo itself can accentuate features of a person. I know myself being a tiny, rakey sorta person, i have been known to have a double chin in a photograph!

    In saying that, i dont think its fair to tell people your not into them cause of their larger figure. I would totally keep it to myself- i would be crushed if someone turned around and told me they didnt want to date me cause my body wasnt right for them-actually i would get annoyed and give the person a gob full.

    Also, people can change their body weight etc, but you cant really change your personality- for all you know these ladies are trying or want to lose weight, and they may just need someone to support them to do that. I dated a guy for a year and when i met him he was a bit overweight, but he really wanted to lose it, and we went walking and to the gym and i got him to eat better and he lost it, and his self esteem exploded and went to his head- hence why we aren't together

    For me, a persons personality and their attitude makes them attractive- yes ok you have to have a level of physical attraction- but hot in my eyes is a persons ability to have a kind heart and intelligence
    "Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?" Zoolander

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