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Thread: Ex's as a Motivator

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    Cyburbian Budgie's avatar
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    Ex's as a Motivator

    My experiences with my ex have motivated me to live within my means and to reduce debt. I got saddled with a bunch after we got divorced and a lot of it was relating to clothing, eating out, and trinkets that she would buy. I loathed her excessiveness and have vowed to live in a different way than that.

    Have you used a loathing of your ex (if you have one) as a motivator?
    "And all this terrible change had come about because he had ceased to believe himself and had taken to believing others. " - Leo Tolstoy

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    NIMBY asshatterer Plus Richmond Jake's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Budgie
    ...Have you used a loathing of your ex (if you have one) as a motivator?
    Ha! I live in a nice house with electricity, running hot and cold water, cable TV, a swimming pool, in a mild climate with no snow, have a steady income, and I only work five days a week.
    Bwaaahahahahaha.....
    RJ is the KING of . The One

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    Too bad this isnt an ex rant thread. My EX broke down today and asked me to come get him in Illinois with a TON of construction going on. Took my entire lunch hour plus some.
    There is nothing about him that could possibly motivate me to do anything. He is a drain on my energy/karma/goodwill everything. I guess his misfortune continues to motivate me to be a good person as I watch karma bite him day after day after day....

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    Cyburbian Budgie's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Jaxspra
    Too bad this isnt an ex rant thread.
    I figured that fknts would motivate you to get EVEN with the male gender.
    "And all this terrible change had come about because he had ceased to believe himself and had taken to believing others. " - Leo Tolstoy

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    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    Yep...my ex-husband refused to support my endeavors of continuing my college education, even though HE had an MD and went back to school to get a chiropractic degree too. I took one or two classes at a time and paid for the tuition from my quarterly bonus checks. He conveniently left after getting the chiro degree and said that I would never amount to anything.

    Well...well. I just finished a B.S. in Political Science & Public Administration with honors, while working 2 jobs and caring for my daughter. I applied to 5 grad schools, got into 4, and won a scholarship to Rutgers to study Planning and Public Policy in a dual degree program. I emailed a copy of my graduation announcement and my offer from Rutgers. Where's he? In Kuwait, living with his parents at age 39, and not working. Who's sorry now? Not me!
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

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    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Budgie
    My experiences with my ex have motivated me to live within my means and to reduce debt. I got saddled with a bunch after we got divorced and a lot of it was relating to clothing, eating out, and trinkets that she would buy. I loathed her excessiveness and have vowed to live in a different way than that.

    Have you used a loathing of your ex (if you have one) as a motivator?
    I did exactly the same thing. If I can't buy it on debit card, I dont buy it. My only debt is the house. I'm even driving a POS car to avoid monthly payments. (when married, my monthly vehicle payments were OVER $1200. I'd ideally like to pay cash for the next car.

  7. #7
    Cyburbian Emeritus Bear Up North's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by kjelsadek
    Yep...my ex-husband refused to support my endeavors of continuing my college education, even though HE had an MD and went back to school to get a chiropractic degree too. I took one or two classes at a time and paid for the tuition from my quarterly bonus checks. He conveniently left after getting the chiro degree and said that I would never amount to anything.

    Well...well. I just finished a B.S. in Political Science & Public Administration with honors, while working 2 jobs and caring for my daughter. I applied to 5 grad schools, got into 4, and won a scholarship to Rutgers to study Planning and Public Policy in a dual degree program. I emailed a copy of my graduation announcement and my offer from Rutgers. Where's he? In Kuwait, living with his parents at age 39, and not working. Who's sorry now? Not me!
    This is a great story. Made my day !!!! Even though I am a guy, "You go girl!"

    Bear
    Occupy Cyburbia!

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    Cyburbian Plus Zoning Goddess's avatar
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    I have NO idea where my -ex is, good riddance. I was lucky enough to cut him off my credit cards well before we split, at that time he was over $10k in debt (mostly on ham radio equipment).

    What I learned: of course, be self-sufficient, spend a lot of time with my son and make good memories for him, do all the cool things D*ckhead wouldn't, like get a dog. Just be normal. It wasn't a knee-jerk reaction, just thank god we're back to normal.

    What do I loathe? He was a fricking pervert. They need to be in prison. No doubt about it. Or shot.

  9. #9
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    I wanted free of my prison. Letting him in any way "motivate" anything I do now would be like continuing to be on his leash. Not interested.

    On the other hand, of course I have life experiences which occured while I happened to be married to him from which I derive wisdom. Perhaps I would have learned different "lessons" if he had not been around. Or perhaps not. Since I can't go back in time and run the simulation again but with different parameters, there is no way to know the answer to such a question.

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    Cyburbian Hceux's avatar
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    Even though I'm not a parent or married, I would have to imagine that sharing a child with an ex would provide a better chance for motivating you as you may be seeing this ex through the child's life.

    Am I wrong on this?

  11. #11
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Hceux
    Even though I'm not a parent or married, I would have to imagine that sharing a child with an ex would provide a better chance for motivating you as you may be seeing this ex through the child's life.

    Am I wrong on this?
    I haven't read it, but I saw a book once called "The wife-in-law". I think the gist of it was that if there are kids involved, you often can't really escape having some kind of relationship with the ex. I think the book was about the relationship that develops between the second wife and the ex wife in such situations.

    Due to my husband's current military assignment, he has made no requests to see either of our kids. I think it isn't very feasible for him to see them. Or maybe he prefers to let me think that. <shrug> We rarely speak by phone. We mostly keep in touch by e-mail and it mostly involves discussing practical details of separating our lives. For me, divorcing has been surprisingly painless in regards to the kids, visitation rights, etc. But I don't think that is the norm.

  12. #12
    Cyburbian nerudite's avatar
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    My exes make me want to get background checks before dating. Thankfully those days are over.

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    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Bear Up North
    This is a great story. Made my day !!!! Even though I am a guy, "You go girl!"

    Bear
    Awwwww.....thanks Bear! *hugs*

    Kim
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  14. #14
    Cyburbian Plan-it's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Budgie
    My experiences with my ex have motivated me to live within my means and to reduce debt. I got saddled with a bunch after we got divorced and a lot of it was relating to clothing, eating out, and trinkets that she would buy. I loathed her excessiveness and have vowed to live in a different way than that.

    Have you used a loathing of your ex (if you have one) as a motivator?
    This sounds like the same exact situation I went through recently. I came to the same exact conclusion as you. Yes, it is a motivator.
    Satellite City Enabler

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    Cyburbian donk's avatar
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    While I am going back to school for me, certain things a certain ex said make me want to suceed at it even more.

    When buying new clothes, I think what would she think about them.
    Too lazy to beat myself up for being to lazy to beat myself up for being too lazy to... well you get the point....

  16. #16
    Cyburbian Budgie's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by kjelsadek
    Yep...my ex-husband refused to support my endeavors of continuing my college education,....
    Anyone in a relationship who doesn't support their SO's educational or vocational endeavours should be kicked to the curb.
    "And all this terrible change had come about because he had ceased to believe himself and had taken to believing others. " - Leo Tolstoy

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    Quote Originally posted by Budgie
    I figured that fknts would motivate you to get EVEN with the male gender.
    He did (still does) for a bit. I am now motivated to learn to be nice and in a healthy relationship, but I surely don't think he had anything to do with it.

  18. #18
    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Budgie
    Anyone in a relationship who doesn't support their SO's educational or vocational endeavours should be kicked to the curb.
    *LOL* I agree. The ex got kicked to a Middle Eastern curb....Saddam's backyard. My new (2 years) husband was told by his family who had known me a few years before we started dating that he would support my educational goals if he even wanted to think about being with me. I have good in-laws.
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

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    Cyburbian SW MI Planner's avatar
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    In spite of my situation, I am trying to focus on how my daughter motivates me to be a good person and an awesome mommy. I think right now, he would just motivate me to be sneaky, which is the last thing I want. Starting the process, I am sure all intentions are honorable (play nice, not dirty), but trust me, I can already see how situations get to the point where gloves are off.

  20. #20
    Cyburbian Plus PlannerGirl's avatar
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    I had a uber emotionaly abusive ex husband, mean as a snake former marine sniper (turned cop) that loved to see folks suffer (and not in a fun way) I spent years of my life being yelled at, having food taken from me, having my calls and mail screeded etc. I was "ugly, fat, stupid, blah blah blah" He abused me and my dogs to the point today they see a uniform they foam at the mouth and want to eat the person. He used my money to buy whatever new toy he wanted while I was locked up in the house afraid to go outside afterall I was so ugly and horrible no one would want to see me. He did not want me to continue my education becouse "men would be around and want to rape me" HA! thought I was ugly?

    Glad as hell I woke up to the knowlage my days were numbered and got out.

    Today own my own car, great job, adoring partner, started modeling (so much for ugly eh?) have a slew of friends and a social life that would have boggled my mind a few years ago. I take myself on trips wherever I want to go, eat what I want and enjoy life. The big one is he would not let me go to Disney without him, he wanted to "show me" the parks so when my devorce was final I took my broke butt to Disney and had a blast. I lost everything I owned just about in the divorce but I came out with my soul and my life.
    "They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety." Ben Franklin

    Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO- HOO what a ride!'"

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    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
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    While I don’t want to give any Ex-girlfriends that much credit… I think that all of them have in someway propelled me to do better in every aspect of my life. I know that one of them was a major influence in becoming very fit. It was a person whom I figure that I will never see again, however there are way too many what if cases.
    Not my monkey, not my circus. - Old Polish Proverb

  22. #22
    Cyburbian DetroitPlanner's avatar
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    And people wonder why I am not married???
    We hope for better things; it will arise from the ashes - Fr Gabriel Richard 1805

  23. #23
    Cyburbian Budgie's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by DetroitPlanner
    And people wonder why I am not married???
    Well.... unfortunately there are way to many people out there who are cynical about marriage and relationships. People have bad things happen... they lose belief that a good relationship can exist... and then they become self absorbed and turn their back on very good people who aren't as cynical.

    I am an eternal optimist and a hopeless romantic. When I care about someone it is to the fullest extent possible. I'm not going to half ass a relationship. If I like someone, I give of myself first and foremost. Yeah, I get burned, but there will be someone who will appreciate it and won't be scared to give back.

    It's a shame to see people so beat up over bad relationships that they don't allow themselves to feel anymore.
    "And all this terrible change had come about because he had ceased to believe himself and had taken to believing others. " - Leo Tolstoy

  24. #24
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Budgie
    People have bad things happen... they lose belief that a good relationship can exist... and then they become self absorbed and turn their back on very good people who aren't as cynical.
    Much of what I read about "relationships" is extremely self-absorbed -- such as fantasies of finding Mr. Right, as if someone Perfect who meets THEIR needs will fall into place almost effortlessly. So maybe a lot of people were self-absorbed to begin with?

  25. #25
    Cyburbian Plus Zoning Goddess's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by PlannerGirl
    I had a uber emotionaly abusive ex husband, mean as a snake former marine sniper (turned cop) that loved to see folks suffer (and not in a fun way) I spent years of my life being yelled at, having food taken from me, having my calls and mail screeded etc. I was "ugly, fat, stupid, blah blah blah" He abused me and my dogs to the point today they see a uniform they foam at the mouth and want to eat the person. He used my money to buy whatever new toy he wanted while I was locked up in the house afraid to go outside afterall I was so ugly and horrible no one would want to see me. He did not want me to continue my education becouse "men would be around and want to rape me" HA! thought I was ugly?
    Mine was similar, but he was just an engineering tech, not a cop. Geez. Sabotaged my master's program and all my job applications. Luckily I am suspicious....

    Big divider was what you mentioned, sucking the checking account dry to buy "toys". Bad move.

    Anyway, the best thing about all that is that it made me much more conscious about what really counts. It took me 8 years after divorce to start dating, but I could do that with a lot more confidence (because I learned from my mistake...).

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