Fictional Holiday Newsletters (AIB cch)

[Zoning Goddess]

I don't send one, and I know how they tend to "brag", so here's what mine would look like this year:

Dear Family and Friends,

This year has been a rough one. Conner flunked 7th grade and had to go to summer school. Luckily, he passed.

It was an almost great summer. Except for Delta. Those d*ckheads couldn't get a flight out on time if you held a gun to their heads. We had a wonderful vacation in the panhandle of Florida. Except for one mis-guided (my fault, I'll admit) visit to a state park which entailed about a 2-mile hike through sugar sand to reach the beach. On the way back, my boyfriend and kid ignored my pleas to send the rangers in golf carts for me when I collapsed at the side of the trail.

I had a miserable Thanksgiving with my brother's family and his in-laws.

No hurricanes hit us this year. Just a minor scrape by a tropical storm.

I read a bunch of books.

So, post your "real" newsletter!

[Richmond Jake]

Dear family and friends:

I managed to avoid jail time on that bum rap charge. They’re always picking on me.
I kicked the crack, meth, and brown heroin habits again.
Finally got rid of that nasty rash.
Did you know that roadkill armadillos taste pretty good off the grill with Montreal seasoning?
She told me she was 18.
Mom got paroled then knitted slippers.
DNA test proved I wasn’t the father.
I swear those pictures posted on the ‘net were photoshopped. Wasn’t me.


Seriously, it was a damn good year for me.

[Zoning Goddess]

Dear family and friends:

I managed to avoid jail time on that bum rap charge. They’re always picking on me.
I kicked the crack, meth, and brown heroin habits again.
Finally got rid of that nasty rash.
Did you know that roadkill armadillos taste pretty good off the grill with Montreal seasoning?
She told me she was 18.
Mom got paroled then knitted slippers.
DNA test proved I wasn’t the father.
I swear those pictures posted on the ‘net were photoshopped. Wasn’t me.


Seriously, it was a damn good year for me.

Hey, my stuff was "true", just a non-sugar-coated version. I bet the only part of yours that is true is your mom being paroled and then knitting slippers!

[Salmissra]

Dear all you people who can't be bothered to write an email, much less a real letter:

I got a job in the private sector. So far, I haven't quit said new job.
Hubby got a promotional title, but no raise to go with it.
We bought a house. It needs some work, but it's ours.
We went to Europe. Weather was nice, but whole trip was pricey.
Insane grandmother is still alive, but no longer kicking. She'll probably outlive us all.
No kids, new pets or plans for either in the next year.
The plants died, plans for new ones are in the works for spring.

So, what happened to you and yours this past year?

[JNA]

Other than writing about following
your trip and don't email me any pictures, what you don't have a digital camera neither do I
overachieving children grades, sport, or whatever school they attend, don't have any to talk about
health issues/concerns, I got some but TMI
job, money, investments (again don't email me great deals) employed & investing nuff said
weather or associated utility bills; this is the Midwest what do you expect

So what else is going on ?

[Suburb Repairman]

Dear Family & Friends,

It's been a banner year for the ol' Burb Fixer clan.

I told __________ they could go to hell and took a job in a town that actually does planning. I later realized the irony of telling somebody that lives in hell to go there and had a big belly laugh. The new job is back in my old college digs, but my motivation for taking the job had nothing to do with the *ahem* scenery... at least thats the story I'm sticking with for the Mrs. The new job has worked out well for me... less night meetings and more pay doing something I enjoy. I do still keep that voodoo doll handy just in case though...

I went through a bout with a kidney stone last year that was quite painful... but I got some great pain pills! Even better, they have refills!

We are now homeowners of our charming little lake cottage... despite my mom's whining about how she wasn't involved. Just because you were a Realtor for six months doesn't mean you have more knowledge about buying a house than I do. Remember, I took a lot of those same courses as electives in college. Oh yeah, and maybe we are happy with a house that is only 1,000 sf... did it occur to you that maybe, just maybe, that is all we need?

Financially we're doing great thanks to Dave Ramsey's debt snowball. We are well on our way to living like no one else. (despite the tongue-in-cheek sound of this, its actually pretty true) Now if only that nice Nigerian business man will send me my royalty check, I'll be set for life!

We drove to Ohio on vacation this year... next time we'll be flying. No offense to you midwesterners, but 1,000 miles of corn fields is not the most exciting drive on earth.

Oh yeah, and for all of you people asking when we are having kids, the answer is when we are good-n-ready. Frankly, its none of your god damn business so stop asking. Remember, practice makes perfect!!

[cch]

Didn’t take any trips this year, except a train ride over to Chi-town for an afternoon. My daughter is in her “terrible twos” and she was cranky the entire time, and it was really quite a miserable trip. My husband starts a new job next week. He won’t actually get paid any more, but he was tired of working with the nutjobs at his old office, who seem bent on screwing each other over. In the midst of getting depressed and frustrated as we’ve tried for a year to conceive another child, my brother-in-law knocks up his girlfriend with what will be her 6th kid (with 3 different guys), and she is only 30 years old! (somebody needs to learn about birth control) Neighborhood brats, vengeful after my husband shooed them out of our yard, bashed in our mailbox late one night. And this year I was fortunate enough to get my first traffic ticket in 7 years, for not coming to a complete stop. On the upside, we are all a year older, and closer to retirement. And my daughter is always a day closer to being potty-trained, and feeding herself without getting food in her hair.

[otterpop]

Dear family and friends,

Domy (my better half) became a U.S. citizen. I agreed to drive her to Billings for the swearing-in ceremony after she promised not to vote Republican.

Bryce continues to run around in the house in his underwear. Luckily he has the legs to pull it off. I think the boy is going to be a Chippendale dancer. Loves to shake his boogie.

The deer continue to ravage my yard. Attempts to lure them into the garage for an "accident" have thus far been unsuccessful.

The summer vacation to Idaho was great. For kind of a skinny state it takes a long time to drive across.

We got rid of Conrad Burns. He was the best senator out-of-state money could buy.

I celebrated six years of employment with the county. Thank God civil service makes it so hard to fire someone.

Things are the same old same old here. Hope you-all have a great new year. Let's continue our pact: we won't visit you if you don't visit us. God bless.

[Bear Up North]

Dear Family & Friends:

I had a great year. I lived through it.

Bear

[sisterceleste]

Dear Ya'll,
2006 has been one of the toughest for me. My Mother died in January. I carried the ball in settling her estate. Had to sell my parents home which broke my heart. If I didn't sell it and bought my siblings out, my substance abuser sister would have decided she had a free place to live the rest of her live.

The Housing Office I work for got put into another department, did I say the department from Hell??? Well, it is...I did manage to complain about the director enough and somehow he got fired but the next in line guy moved up and he practices passive aggression daily. It's a very good thing that I like what I do and can go home for lunch each day. Salary isn't bad either.

My family...Mr. SC, we're fine...celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. One of our darlings graduated from FSU but she and her boyfriend moved in with us. The other darling is fine and gives us no grief.

Mr. SC and I took a real vacation in Tennessee in August. I'm looking to retire up there in 5 to 10 years. Checking out real estate in middle Tennessee.

LIfe is good. I love Blue Nun wine despite what RJ says about it.
Signed SC