The NEVERENDING Raising Children Thread

[Salmissra]

I've voiced my frustration before that my kid got kicked out of h.s. in 11th grade for truancy, and I didn't have a clue until he'd skipped a couple months and his h.s. never called me. They just threw him away. He's not dumb. *snip*

It is still weirding me out that I was such a great student and we're having to force my kid to get a GED.

My middle sister got a GED. She dropped out of HS because she got pregnant, kept the kid and married the dad. The only thing out of that situation which did turn out well was getting her GED. At the time, I'm sure both my parents - with 3 master's degrees between them - were weirded out about it.

My sister was not book dumb. She had mostly B's except for math, which were A+'s. But she thought dropping out was better than the alternative school, and I'm sure she had her reasons. Now, 25 years later, she's a college graduate working at night on her Master's degree. Sometime a kid just takes longer to reach the realization that an education is worth it. Keep your fingers crossed that your son will soon see that light.

[btrage]

Well, that may work Don't be weirded out about the GED - sure it's probably not what you would have planned on but at least he went back to get it. And I agree with kms maybe the high schools and accomplishment will give him a boost.

I love my kid more than anything, but man can she get me fired up. She is a sweet and loving kid, but she's always been assertive, outgoing, and strong-willed. I think those are good qualities except for when she is adds the mouthy, emotional, and dramatic. She's relatively well behaved at my house but I'm also pretty tough on her (her dad has issues with her because he has no boundaries, no discipline, no consistency). This morning she got mouthy with me about a note that got sent home to all kids about show and tell (she's in second grade, eight years old), and then had a meltdown because her backpack was too heavy. I do my best to always remain calm with her to try to teach her coping skills, how to chill out, relax, etc. but sometimes it's hard because quite often I get to the tipping point where I'm also about to have a meltdown as well. (Beyond teaching her how to chill out she also gets in big time trouble for the attitude). I worry if it's like this now, how it'll be when she's 12 or 14 or 16. I'm sure the emotions and sassiness is probably normal with girls (I'm hoping at least a little!) but I feel like it's all up to me to to raise a happy, healthy, and productive child/adult, and I don't want to screw it up. No pressure there

Our high school had a thirteen year old kid that hung himself last week. Thirteen. This scares the shit out of me.

Your 8 year old and my 8 year old must be cosmic twins or something. I'm convinced she's going to end up in politics or be a lawyer because she always needs to have the last word and loves arguing. Again, a sweet and loving girl, but she'll cop an attitude over the simplest of things, like asking her to put her shoes where they belong. I think a lot of has to do with her maturing at a very fast pace. Sure she's only 8, but she's so smart that I don't think she has the mind of an 8 year old. It's like she's a young adult trapped in the body and social conventions expected of an 8 year old.

It has to suck trying to deal with it when you have no control over what goes on at your ex's house. I'm sure that's where some of it is coming from.

[Raf]

Your 8 year old and my 8 year old must be cosmic twins or something. I'm convinced she's going to end up in politics or be a lawyer because she always needs to have the last word and loves arguing. Again, a sweet and loving girl, but she'll cop an attitude over the simplest of things, like asking her to put her shoes where they belong. I think a lot of has to do with her maturing at a very fast pace. Sure she's only 8, but she's so smart that I don't think she has the mind of an 8 year old. It's like she's a young adult trapped in the body and social conventions expected of an 8 year old.

It has to suck trying to deal with it when you have no control over what goes on at your ex's house. I'm sure that's where some of it is coming from.

Sounds like we need to get all of our daughters together to see who will end up as the ultimate alpha female . Basically SWMI Planner's description of her daughter pretty much sums my little one up to a "T". Oh look out world!

[Planit]

Sounds like we need to get all of our daughters together to see who will end up as the ultimate alpha female . Basically SWMI Planner's description of her daughter pretty much sums my little one up to a "T". Oh look out world!

Add mine to that same mix as well.

I'm just glad the nice, sweet and kind daughter is generally the one in school and such.

[wahday]

Add mine to that same mix as well.

I'm just glad the nice, sweet and kind daughter is generally the one in school and such.

Yeah, that sounds about right for my 6 year old daughter as well. We just had parent-teacher conferences last week and the teachers were fawning all over her and saying how great she is with the other kids and gushing over here sweet, agreeable and helpful disposition. And I was like “whoa, you must have the wrong kid, cause I haven’t seen behavior like that for a few years!”

Definitely the little ones tend to push the boundaries at home more than in the outside world where they can’t count on the unconditional love of their peers and teachers. At home, though, boy do we deal with some sass! My approach (having an older boy and having gone through this with him) has been to really downplay my reaction and not give the “bad” behavior much of a response one way or the other. Then, when manners are used and good respectful behavior, I compliment her. My goal is to not harp on the bad behavior (but correct it matter of factly when it happens) but really acknowledge the good, mature behavior when she employs it. Its hard, though, when they are really pushing your buttons and your frustration level shoots through the ceiling, you're late for work and need coffee...

In my moments of lesser composure I sound like the clichéd parent I swore I would never be, saying things like “you’re getting too big for your britches,” “what did I just say?!” or “do you want me to stop the car and make you walk home from here?!”

Ok, I don’t really say those things. Too much. But I often want to...

[btrage]

Yeah, that sounds about right for my 6 year old daughter as well. We just had parent-teacher conferences last week and the teachers were fawning all over her and saying how great she is with the other kids and gushing over here sweet, agreeable and helpful disposition. And I was like “whoa, you must have the wrong kid, cause I haven’t seen behavior like that for a few years!”

Definitely the little ones tend to push the boundaries at home more than in the outside world where they can’t count on the unconditional love of their peers and teachers. At home, though, boy do we deal with some sass! My approach (having an older boy and having gone through this with him) has been to really downplay my reaction and not give the “bad” behavior much of a response one way or the other. Then, when manners are used and good respectful behavior, I compliment her. My goal is to not harp on the bad behavior (but correct it matter of factly when it happens) but really acknowledge the good, mature behavior when she employs it. Its hard, though, when they are really pushing your buttons and your frustration level shoots through the ceiling, you're late for work and need coffee...

In my moments of lesser composure I sound like the clichéd parent I swore I would never be, saying things like “you’re getting too big for your britches,” “what did I just say?!” or “do you want me to stop the car and make you walk home from here?!”

Ok, I don’t really say those things. Too much. But I often want to...

I hear ya. It's just so damn hard to not respond to the sassiness!

[SW MI Planner]

Yeah, that sounds about right for my 6 year old daughter as well. We just had parent-teacher conferences last week and the teachers were fawning all over her and saying how great she is with the other kids and gushing over here sweet, agreeable and helpful disposition. And I was like “whoa, you must have the wrong kid, cause I haven’t seen behavior like that for a few years!”

OMG, exact same thing here! It's what gives me hope though, knowing she does well in school and the public. But then makes me want to wring her neck because it proves she knows better

I hear ya. It's just so damn hard to not respond to the sassiness!

Seriously. It doesn't help that I tend to be sarcastic so part of it is her learning and following my reactions to things. Most of the time all I have to do is look at her and she says "oh sorry, I know better".

Thanks for all of your responses! It gives me some peace of mind knowing it's not just my kid or me going through this, and that it is somewhat typical.

[Zoning Goddess]

The kid ended up being in the 99th percentile of people pre-testing for the GED in the US. I would rather he would have been in that percentile for a few AP exams and a scholarship to Vanderbilt or Tulane, but that ain't gonna happen. He is signed up for the GED first week of March, unbelieveably has to wait 6 wks for results. Hopefully another hurdle will be over and done with. In the meantime, it's time for him to get a job. There's some perverse pleasure at the thought of possibly buying dinner ingredients and having the kid bag my food for me...

[dandy_warhol]

The kid ended up being in the 99th percentile of people pre-testing for the GED in the US. I would rather he would have been in that percentile for a few AP exams and a scholarship to Vanderbilt or Tulane, but that ain't gonna happen. He is signed up for the GED first week of March, unbelieveably has to wait 6 wks for results. Hopefully another hurdle will be over and done with. In the meantime, it's time for him to get a job. There's some perverse pleasure at the thought of possibly buying dinner ingredients and having the kid bag my food for me...

Great job on the pre-test!

I used to love it when my siblings had their menial jobs and I could go in and torture them.

[Zoning Goddess]

Another hurdle out of the way. I had sticker shock after the kid got his license two weeks ago, when I went up to Allstate to add him on our auto policy, so I didn't add him right away. Good thing. He and I went there today, and the woman I'd spoken with before had managed to shave over 33% off the cost of adding him, without reducing coverage. So, he had his first solo drive today after dropping me off at home.

Now he's out pressure-washing the pool deck.

[fringe]

I know this should be directed toward Dear Abby, but...

An old friend (30 yrs duration), childless, married to older friend (35 yrs duration), has stepdaughters (grown and gone) who have apparently roundedly rejected her. She thinks her background is unique (Pennsyvania Dutch) and she has always talked about it, makes recipes (especially Christmas cookies) attributed thereto. She invited my wife and me to dinner a yr ago and pitched her proposal to bequeath to our nearly grown daughters what she thinks is the precious content of her heritage, including the cookie routine etc. She somehow wanted our blessing and permission for her transference of such to them.

My first reaction was, you need to be family for this kind of thing. My wife perceived my rejection in my face, and diplomatically told her she would pass along the idea, but that the girls are their own people, and would make all decisions.

The year passed, and during it they visited her a time or two, but more in a spirit of humoring an eccentric.

Now she wants to change her will and put them in it.

I am about to break off a long friendship and tell her to eff off.

What I see being handed down is not cultural treasure but emotional baggage, and have advised daughters to tread with extreme caution, and to be unafraid to be blunt. I would not be surprised if she tried to make one of them an executor, which would clearly be inappropriate.

Has anyone here encountered such a cloying, clinging kind of eccentricity?

[Hink]

I know this should be directed toward Dear Abby, but...

An old friend (30 yrs duration), childless, married to older friend (35 yrs duration), has stepdaughters (grown and gone) who have apparently roundedly rejected her. She thinks her background is unique (Pennsyvania Dutch) and she has always talked about it, makes recipes (especially Christmas cookies) attributed thereto. She invited my wife and me to dinner a yr ago and pitched her proposal to bequeath to our nearly grown daughters what she thinks is the precious content of her heritage, including the cookie routine etc. She somehow wanted our blessing and permission for her transference of such to them.

My first reaction was, you need to be family for this kind of thing. My wife perceived my rejection in my face, and diplomatically told her she would pass along the idea, but that the girls are their own people, and would make all decisions.

The year passed, and during it they visited her a time or two, but more in a spirit of humoring an eccentric.

Now she wants to change her will and put them in it.

I am about to break off a long friendship and tell her to eff off.

What I see being handed down is not cultural treasure but emotional baggage, and have advised daughters to tread with extreme caution, and to be unafraid to be blunt. I would not be surprised if she tried to make one of them an executor, which would clearly be inappropriate.

Has anyone here encountered such a cloying, clinging kind of eccentricity?

I am somewhat confused as to what she would put in her will. Is she transferring recipes? Or the requirement to make cookies? What is the baggage with such a transfer? Maybe I am missing something.

[SW MI Planner]

Now she wants to change her will and put them in it.

I am about to break off a long friendship and tell her to eff off.

What I see being handed down is not cultural treasure but emotional baggage, and have advised daughters to tread with extreme caution, and to be unafraid to be blunt. I would not be surprised if she tried to make one of them an executor, which would clearly be inappropriate.

Has anyone here encountered such a cloying, clinging kind of eccentricity?

If you guys have been friends that long, is it safe to assume she has basically watched your daughters grow up? Were you guys close friends? Has she recently found out about a serious illness or anything? It seems that maybe your relationship with her may mean different things to each of you. While it's clear that it seems pretty creepy to you, maybe this is just a sad and possibly lonely person who has realized that she doesn't have anyone to carry on her traditions or have her things when she is gone, and wants your daughters to have it because she has really appreciated your families friendship over the years. I have no idea of the nature of the relationship, but just another perspective. I kind of see it as one set of good friends writing in their will that another set will gain custody of the kids if they passed away. If it truly does make you all feel uncomfortable and these are good friends, simply tell her that you really appreciate her friendship but that the whole inclusion in the will makes you and your daughters feel uncomfortable and recommend a non-profit for her to donate to. Or maybe she really is a whack-job in which case you tell her to eff off.

[Maister]

maybe this is just a sad and possibly lonely person who has realized that she doesn't have anyone to carry on her traditions or have her things when she is gone, and wants your daughters to have it because she has really appreciated your families friendship over the years.

This was my first impression/gut instinct as well. I know Mrs. Maister is big into family traditions/history and frets endlessly about her not having a daughter to pass along certain things to.....a 'priceless' bread recipe (written in her great grandmother's own hand), a hand knitted afgan, a sentimental favorite gravy boat, the 'good' dishes etc. I confess I don't entirely understand the impulse but at the same time it doesn't seem 'creepy' to me either.

[fringe]

"...maybe this is just a sad and possibly lonely person who has realized that she doesn't have anyone to carry on her traditions or have her things when she is gone, and wants your daughters to have it because she has really appreciated your families friendship over the years..."

very good listening

Even one married, as she has been, for thirty years to the same guy can be sad and lonely, and, in truth, pitiful. She in fact also watched her two stepdaughters grow up during the years of her spouse's shared custody. Those steps are where the handing down needs to be placed. However, the clinging, cloying aspect I mentioned likely has reaped the round rejection I suspect. Indeed, my daughters have mentioned that part of the "sessions" they have endured consisted of stepmom unloading resentments of the steps.

My personality type does not facilitate diplomatic dealings, as I have been known to be withering and blunt in my assessments of situations. My wife has historically been the mender of fences in general, as she is only a 5 introvert compared to my 9 or 10 on that scale.

One of the cliches about men and women is showing up in our lives, the one where she keeps a lot more friendships going but he tends to let them drop away, becoming more and more solitary.

[SW MI Planner]

"...maybe this is just a sad and possibly lonely person who has realized that she doesn't have anyone to carry on her traditions or have her things when she is gone, and wants your daughters to have it because she has really appreciated your families friendship over the years..."

very good listening

Even one married, as she has been, for thirty years to the same guy can be sad and lonely, and, in truth, pitiful. She in fact also watched her two stepdaughters grow up during the years of her spouse's shared custody. Those steps are where the handing down needs to be placed. However, the clinging, cloying aspect I mentioned likely has reaped the round rejection I suspect. Indeed, my daughters have mentioned that part of the "sessions" they have endured consisted of stepmom unloading resentments of the steps.

My personality type does not facilitate diplomatic dealings, as I have been known to be withering and blunt in my assessments of situations. My wife has historically been the mender of fences in general, as she is only a 5 introvert compared to my 9 or 10 on that scale.

One of the cliches about men and women is showing up in our lives, the one where she keeps a lot more friendships going but he tends to let them drop away, becoming more and more solitary.

It sounds like that she may be sad, lonely, and pitiful, but in part, it might be her own doing, especially if she complains to your daughters about the step kids and who knows what else. No one wants to be around the Eeyore all the time, hearing about how bad their life is, how bad other people are. I've had friends like that and it is so completely draining to be around them. If that's how she is in general than you guys need to either talk to her about it (recommend a counselor) or just distance yourself. Actually have your wife talk to her so you don't tell her outright that she's a whackjob that needs therapy I agree that the typical heir would be family, but don't think it's out of line to want to give it to someone else that she is close with (or feels she is close with), so definately be honest and tell her that it makes them uncomfortable.

[Veloise]

Another hurdle out of the way. I had sticker shock after the kid got his license two weeks ago, when I went up to Allstate to add him on our auto policy, so I didn't add him right away. Good thing. He and I went there today, and the woman I'd spoken with before had managed to shave over 33% off the cost of adding him, without reducing coverage. So, he had his first solo drive today after dropping me off at home. ...

Yep, if you have an immediate need for insurance, it costs more. If you want coverage some time in the future, they lower the rate. I switched one of my policies and they figured out a much better rate.

[fringe]

It sounds like that she may be sad, lonely, and pitiful, but in part, it might be her own doing, especially if she complains to your daughters about the step kids and who knows what else. No one wants to be around the Eeyore all the time, hearing about how bad their life is, how bad other people are. I've had friends like that and it is so completely draining to be around them. If that's how she is in general than you guys need to either talk to her about it (recommend a counselor) or just distance yourself. Actually have your wife talk to her so you don't tell her outright that she's a whackjob that needs therapy I agree that the typical heir would be family, but don't think it's out of line to want to give it to someone else that she is close with (or feels she is close with), so definately be honest and tell her that it makes them uncomfortable.

Another good answer. SW, if planning doesn't work out for you, keep counseling in mind.

My younger daughter is halfway to a nursing degree, but I have told her, based on stories she tells me re her friends, that she ought to get that counseling masters, as she has mastered listening.

I did not really post here insearch ofhelp, just comment. I realize that relationships are so complicated that this kind of venue is likely not appropriate.

I do appreciate the replies, as I have, as would any parent normally adjusted, adopted a very defensive stance when it comes to people approaching my children in pursuit of this or that.

[kjel]

I've voiced my frustration before that my kid got kicked out of h.s. in 11th grade for truancy, and I didn't have a clue until he'd skipped a couple months and his h.s. never called me. They just threw him away. He's not dumb. Anyway, 2 yrs of him hemming and hawing, took the assessment test to get the GED twice, took some test prep and quit. Today we went to the tech h.s.that gives the test to see about him taking the GED next week and the counselor we know was out, and they said have to take the test again for "real-time"results. He did, and then another counselor called and said they had never seen anyone here with such high test scores.I guess a bit of studying paid off. He's on schedule to take the GED in early March.

It is still weirding me out that I was such a great student and we're having to force my kid to get a GED.

Thanks,and keeping my fingers crossed. We're meeting with the counselor tomorrow and hope all goes well.

Actually, I should just say he needs to get his s*it together and get his GED and a job to pay for his f*ckng video games and upcoming car insurance.

But he was really happy when I told him about the call from the counselor about his high scores.

A lot of smart kids drop out of school for a variety of reasons. A GED is much harder than it seems, most average high school students couldn't pass the exam. I am glad that C is finally getting himself motivated to accomplish things like learning to drive and taking the GED. I hope he passes all 5 sections on the first try, thankfully if he doesn't he just has to retake the particular section.

Don't pay for his shit. He's old enough where if he wants something he can figure out how to pay for it and get it. I know you live in the land of no public transportation but that's still not a great excuse. Teenagers are great at the "let it ride" thing as in mom will eventually pay for it or get it for me if I nag enough or wait her out. I put my foot down at the end of RT's first semester at school, I told her that she had one semester to find a local part time job to cover her spending money and art supply budget. She didn't look too hard IMHO so I told her that her semester was over and it was up to her to figure out how she was going to afford her expenses beyond tuition, room, and board. Guess what? She arranged a M-Th schedule, comes home Thursday night and knocks out homework and goes to work Friday, Saturday, Sunday at McD's then goes back to school on Sunday night or Monday morning. She hasn't asked me for a dime since Christmas!

[Fat Cat]

We are very lucky, good children and great grandchildren. New grandaughter this week and since I am still unemployed, will get to be baby sitting. One grandson is going to school where both Mrs katt and I received our undergrad degrees. Did we do anything different than anyone else, I doubt it, I think that we were very lucky.

[Zoning Goddess]

The kid's license came in handy today as I had a bad day with the vertigo and it was "Take me to the store or we have no food"; he drove, no complaints. And didn't even make me nervous once.

Kjel, I know what you mean. Unfortunately, most of the non-skilled jobs in our area are "across the bridge" in the tourist area, with the usual traffic gridlock, and I just don't want him going there, at least not yet. I'm hoping he can find something at our local supermarket as at least an interim job. He's taking the GED next week and then he's on the jobs hunt and I'm cutting him off financially, except for housing and some food.

[kjel]

The kid's license came in handy today as I had a bad day with the vertigo and it was "Take me to the store or we have no food"; he drove, no complaints. And didn't even make me nervous once.

Kjel, I know what you mean. Unfortunately, most of the non-skilled jobs in our area are "across the bridge" in the tourist area, with the usual traffic gridlock, and I just don't want him going there, at least not yet. I'm hoping he can find something at our local supermarket as at least an interim job. He's taking the GED next week and then he's on the jobs hunt and I'm cutting him off financially, except for housing and some food.

Good for you!

[SW MI Planner]

Saw this posted on facebook today, and thought I would share for all those dads with daughters. 50 Rules for Dads of Daughters:

http://www.fromdatestodiapers.com/50...s-of-daughters

[btrage]

So my 8 year old daughter was being her typical silly self on the way to school this morning. Nothing out of the ordinary. Well, I lost it when she couldn't get herself under control, smacked her in the leg, yelled at her, and made her cry. When we got to school I told her I was wrong and that I loved her. She forgave me, because that's what kids just do. But I probably ruined her day. I already emailed my wife and told her what happened. God it sucks being a parent sometimes. I feel like crap.

[SW MI Planner]

So my 8 year old daughter was being her typical silly self on the way to school this morning. Nothing out of the ordinary. Well, I lost it when she couldn't get herself under control, smacked her in the leg, yelled at her, and made her cry. When we got to school I told her I was wrong and that I loved her. She forgave me, because that's what kids just do. But I probably ruined her day. I already emailed my wife and told her what happened. God it sucks being a parent sometimes. I feel like crap.

Easier said than done, but don't beat yourself up. Kids are pretty resilient little buggers and she probably has already forgotten about it. Maybe you overreacted (only you know based on how she was acting) but you apologized - hopefully you both learn from it (you, to try not blow up, and her, to not push it when warned).