The NEVERENDING Raising Children Thread

[wahday]

That's a pretty tenacious kid you've got their Otterpop. We talked about this frankly with our son, I think, right around 6. Same kind of situation - trapped in a car with the wife and him pestering us for the details.

Up to this point, we had used "anatomically correct" terminology for the critical body parts involved, so that was helpful. I went the "flower pollinating" analogy route and this worked out well in terms of talking about how pollen gets into the flower, combines with its other half and starts cooking a seed. Only in this case, you were the seed and instead of growing inside a fruit or some such, you were inside mom. When you were ready to "sprout," you came out and starting growing on your own. Or something like that. He was pretty disinterested in the whole emotional element of things and more focused on the "mechanics" if you will. More of an intellectual exercise at this point in their development, I think.

Anyway, it went more smoothly than I would have expected. Occasionally he explains the process out loud to us and that is a little weird to listen through when he is saying words like "penis" and "vagina" (which was much cuter when it came out "pagina" but those days are over). Did I say all that?! Yikes!

But its all good. I would rather have him be informed than not. Not long after this conversation, I overheard him on the playground with some friends (boys and girls) and they were all talking about how people get pregant (must be a developmental thing). Some were saying that "the boys stick their pee pee in your belly button" and someone even said it went into their butt, so I was pleased that he at least had the facts straight...

[jmac]

I went the "flower pollinating" analogy route and this worked out well in terms of talking about how pollen gets into the flower, combines with its other half and starts cooking a seed. Only in this case, you were the seed and instead of growing inside a fruit or some such, you were inside mom. When you were ready to "sprout," you came out and starting growing on your own. Or something like that. He was pretty disinterested in the whole emotional element of things and more focused on the "mechanics" if you will. More of an intellectual exercise at this point in their development, I think.

This sounds like a very reasonable and appropriate explanation. I'm going to file it away for future use. Any little ones that may appear at our house will likely spend some time digging in the garden with Mom and Dad, so this would be a great analogy.

Anyway, it went more smoothly than I would have expected. Occasionally he explains the process out loud to us and that is a little weird to listen through when he is saying words like "penis" and "vagina" (which was much cuter when it came out "pagina" but those days are over).

That's pretty amusing, though I'm kinda glad I heard this story long after meeting your family. Had I known in advance, it would have been a very tempting topic after a couple beers.

[wahday]

That's pretty amusing, though I'm kinda glad I heard this story long after meeting your family. Had I known in advance, it would have been a very tempting topic after a couple beers.

This is the part where that beer (which I regularly enjoy in your glasses, thank you) comes out through my nose...

Happy weekend

[otterpop]

Well, I knew at best I was in a delaying action. The last time he asked I was caught unawares and wasn't prepared.

So, yesterday he asked me again. This time at the end of his karate class with a twelve-year-old girl and her mom present. They both looked amused as my son explained that girls have an organ in their body where the DNA gets mixed and makes a baby.

But of course he wanted to know how that happened. So we had "the talk" sitting in my car. I tried to keep it as generic as possible but he kept asking more specific questions. We ended up discussing the mechanics of sex.

Finally he said, "Ewww. I am never going to do that!" Yeah, right, son, I was thinking, By the time you are 16 that is about all you are going to want to do.

When we were all done, he was looking at me like "how could you do THAT to my momma?"

It was good to finally get it out of the way. This morning he was back to discussing with me the merits of teleportation.

[SW MI Planner]

Wow, the part of being a parent that tugs at your heartstrings!!! Me and the kiddo (she's 4 now!) went to a friends house that was having a party and there were a ton of kids there. Well, all of these kids know each other (ages 2-7) and play together a lot. So, they weren't really including my daughter. So, she comes up to me and said "mommy, they don't want to play with me". She wasn't sad about it, and just said it matter of factly, but I almost started crying because I felt bad I told her to go up and introduce herself and just start playing with them; she did, and they were all playing by the end of the night.

Her and I have talked about sharing, being nice to others and including others, but how do you deal with it if your kids are on the other end of it? Any other suggestions on what to say or do?

[Seabishop]

Well, I knew at best I was in a delaying action. The last time he asked I was caught unawares and wasn't prepared.

So, yesterday he asked me again. This time at the end of his karate class with a twelve-year-old girl and her mom present. They both looked amused as my son explained that girls have an organ in their body where the DNA gets mixed and makes a baby.

But of course he wanted to know how that happened. So we had "the talk" sitting in my car. I tried to keep it as generic as possible but he kept asking more specific questions. We ended up discussing the mechanics of sex.

Finally he said, "Ewww. I am never going to do that!" Yeah, right, son, I was thinking, By the time you are 16 that is about all you are going to want to do.

When we were all done, he was looking at me like "how could you do THAT to my momma?"

It was good to finally get it out of the way. This morning he was back to discussing with me the merits of teleportation.

When my wife was a little girl she was given some sort of generic birds-and-bees talk by her parents. When she was at a shoe store holding a baby doll the saleslady said to her "I wish I had a little baby too." She answered "then just have a man put seeds in your belly."

My kids are little and still believe in a generic "miracle of love" philosophy but that won't satisfy the older one for much longer.

[Queen B]

So what do you do when an "A" student starts getting "F"'s. I understand when a kid just doesn't get it but to "F"'s! Usually I would look at a change in behavior. She does not seem emotionally changed.

I have always said that you have to work pretty hard to get "F"s.

[luckless pedestrian]

So what do you do when an "A" student starts getting "F"'s. I understand when a kid just doesn't get it but to "F"'s! Usually I would look at a change in behavior. She does not seem emotionally changed.

I have always said that you have to work pretty hard to get "F"s.

run to the school and meet with the teacher(s) ASAP - something definitely is awry - good luck - let me know

[Downtown]

Wow, the part of being a parent that tugs at your heartstrings!!! Me and the kiddo (she's 4 now!) went to a friends house that was having a party and there were a ton of kids there. Well, all of these kids know each other (ages 2-7) and play together a lot. So, they weren't really including my daughter. So, she comes up to me and said "mommy, they don't want to play with me". She wasn't sad about it, and just said it matter of factly, but I almost started crying because I felt bad I told her to go up and introduce herself and just start playing with them; she did, and they were all playing by the end of the night.

Her and I have talked about sharing, being nice to others and including others, but how do you deal with it if your kids are on the other end of it? Any other suggestions on what to say or do?

We have this issue even among my three kids. Jack is now 4, twins are almost 3 - and the boys leave their sister out quite a bit, ie: "This is the BOYS room, you can't play with us Maddie.", etc.

We've been having a lot of talks about how it doesn't feel nice when people don't want to play with you, and how important it is to be kind and respectful to other people and their feelings. This is all way over the twins' head still, but Jack gets it.

I think that it is great that you daughter advocated for herself - its important for kids to learn, even at such young ages.

[Queen B]

run to the school and meet with the teacher(s) ASAP - something definitely is awry - good luck - let me know

Dad works at the school. The gathering is being arranged.

It is not all her grades but in one class it is A F AA F A F C (on a test review ) then an F on the test. I am about to pull my hair out.

[luckless pedestrian]

I know - our school has Power School so you can check on your kids' grades from home on every assignment and such - I refuse to go on it because my hubby is addicted and if there is an incomplete, he and our 15 yo get in a fight about it -

"but Dad, I handed it in she just hasn't entered it"
"I know you didn't get it in, get it in tomorrow"

blah blah blah

it's not that I don't like knowing what's going on and I wouldn't want to wait until the report card comes to know there's a problem but this daily looksie, yuck -

[kjel]

Dad works at the school. The gathering is being arranged.

It is not all her grades but in one class it is A F AA F A F C (on a test review ) then an F on the test. I am about to pull my hair out.

Be patient and try and get to the root of the problem. I am quite certain that it has nothing to do with the academic work itself but perhaps something with the teacher or someone else in the class. Teenagers are great at hiding things that are going on.

[Queen B]

I am just going to ground them all...including dad.
Usually one of the most wonderful people and loving father...I came home last night after a 14 hour day to find that my husband had been at the bar all night because the oldest and he had gotten into a fight.
Lets just say that she was not the only one to get a chewing...

[PlanMom]

So what do you do when an "A" student starts getting "F"'s. I understand when a kid just doesn't get it but to "F"'s! Usually I would look at a change in behavior. She does not seem emotionally changed.

I have always said that you have to work pretty hard to get "F"s.

Is she in the 8th grade??? My son pulled this when he was in the 8th grade - from A's and B's to failing. Evidently a group of them had gotten together and decided to see what would happen if all of them refused to do any work. What happened was the majority of them got in heaps of trouble. The x-box (or whatever gaming device he had at the time) came to work with me until the end of the next marking period when his grades came back up. The good news is that he never tried that again.

She may have new friends at school you don't know about who think it is "cool" to fail, or want to perform a secret social science research project (see above). The trick is making the consequences at home exceed the percieved benefit of doing lousy at school.

[cch]

My little girl (3 years and 8 months old) has asked me how this new baby got into my tummy. I've just told her that Mother Nature put her there. When she asked me how the baby is gonna get out. I went ahead and told her "There is a hole she will come out of, down by where pee comes out. All girls are born with this hole, for babies to come out." That sufficed. But she still talks about the baby coming out of my belly button, occassionally.


Queen B, are you sure she is handing in her work? When I was in school it seemed the only way to get Fs was to not try at all. Maybe there is some sort of distraction, or maybe she is cutting that class, for some reason.

[Queen B]

Oh the consequences are home are severe. Small school nothing really new. One of the issues was a substitute. That was only one of the classes.

I really like to give concrete punishments but as this isuue has blown up and we find out more and more things that she just wasn't getting around to I am having an issue setting the peramiters.
Her cell phone is off. This is one of the issues. She was spending so much time on it that she just was not getting around to the work she needed to get done.

No driving. Which mortally wounded her because she has to ride the bus...

The only issue I am still having trouble with is Prom. It is this weekend. She is going with a Senior. As much as I would just like to punish her, I can't do that to the gentleman that asked her to go. I have told her that is my feeling. So she knows it isn't about her. It is about him and his family. He is a really good kid. He doesn't deserve to be let down a few days before the event. But no other dates.

[PlanMom]

No driving. Which mortally wounded her because she has to ride the bus...


Well you just scored yourself a place in the Mean Mom Hall of Fame! (You can stand by me if you'd like...)

The humiliation of having to go back to riding the bus clearly exceeds the percieved benefit of slacking. Good call on the prom. You are right - it wouldn't be fair to her date, especially with the cost of going to Prom these days.

[otterpop]

Let me run this one by you people.

My son is in first grade. He is doing well. He absolutely rocks in math. His reading is average. He brings home his papers and reading tests. Mostly he scores at least 80 percent, usually higher. The teacher thinks he is a great kid.

Whne he comes home with a paper that is perfect, my wife is very sweet and complimentary about it. When he comes home with a paper that has one or a few mistakes, my wife doesn't take it well. She jumps all over him. Never a word about the things he did right, only about his errors. They fight about it a couple times a week. I am sick of it.

When the paper is less than perfect, I take the approach of telling him that he did a good job. Then I ask him about the mistakes -- why he made that mistake, what does he think he could do to not make the same mistake or mistakes again, etc.

I cannot say that my approach is or is not working to improve his performance. I do know it works as far as me and him being able to talk about his performance.

I've tried talking to my wife about tempering her criticism with a positive message. However, she can be recklessly stubborn when she hear something she doesn't want to hear. So is my son. The two of them are at loggerheads. She yells and he yells back. My son is very angry with his mother.

Do any of you have a spouse who deals with your child's less than perfect school performance with a stick and never a carrot? If so how do you handle it?

[Zoning Goddess]

Do any of you have a spouse who deals with your child's less than perfect school performance with a stick and never a carrot? If so how do you handle it?

Not on this level (spouse). But when I was a kid...my mom was the enforcer. She had a h.s. education and demanded that we all be straight-A students. Dad was a lawyer and did the "Just do your best" thing. It all fell apart when my little brother hit high school. My sister and I had the high grades, high SATs, etc. My brother truly did not give a damn. I thought my mom was going to stroke out. She took my brother out of the private school my sister and I graduated from so as not to "waste money if you don't care". At that point, I realized, I got bullied by my mom to make good grades. But then I got to thinking.... her educational level made her think college was a must-have, no matter what. My dad, who put himself thru college, realized that, but since he'd done it on his own, was a bit more gentle with us about finding our own way and what we wanted to do in life.

I was glad that my son made straight A's all thru elementary school. Since then, it's been a real struggle and he's been thru summer school a couple of times. At this point, I'd be happy with a "C" average. After all, that's average, right? At best, he'll go to the community college and maybe find what he wants to do later in life.

BTW, depends on the carrots. One of my son's friends, all the way thru elementary school, got $20 for every "A" he brought home. Stupid. The kid could make $200 twice a year and all it did was alienate the other kids because he bragged so much.

[luckless pedestrian]

otterpop - your wife is exactly like my husband and it drives me nuts - my 15 yo gets the worst - what's odd is we are often saying the same thing to her but my delivery is a little less angry - so I don't know the answer but he and I do "discuss" our methods a lot -

it's funny this is the first time we have ever differed on handling the kids too

[Zoning Goddess]

Well, I'm 2 hours into "gutting" my son's room. After repeated, and heated, warnings to stop all the foul language while playing online games.... the t.v. is being removed from his room and stored in the garage, his computer's been relocated back to the nook off the living room, and his game system is going into the living room. He lived this way before we moved and will have to get used to sharing again. And we're tossing his desk because in just 4 years, he's trashed it.

RJ will be home early to help move out/rearrange the furniture.

The we wait for the kid to get home and all heck will break loose, I'm sure.

[ofos]

RJ will be home early to help move out/rearrange the furniture.

The we wait for the kid to get home and all heck will break loose, I'm sure.

I'm tempted to make a comment about the hardship on RJ having to come home early but...this IS serious.

We were a typical family (Wonderful Father (ahem), Wicked Step Mother, and Self Centered Son of A (Wonderful Father). We had to evict my son during his senior year of high school to get his attention. Real life on the outside wasn't everything that he had hoped for and he was an acceptable citizen for the rest of the year when he returned. Damn near killed me but two or more of us and the marriage weren't going to survive otherwise. Good luck and hang in there. It does end eventually and most of them become pretty good people.

[kjel]

Well, I'm 2 hours into "gutting" my son's room. After repeated, and heated, warnings to stop all the foul language while playing online games.... the t.v. is being removed from his room and stored in the garage, his computer's been relocated back to the nook off the living room, and his game system is going into the living room. He lived this way before we moved and will have to get used to sharing again. And we're tossing his desk because in just 4 years, he's trashed it.

RJ will be home early to help move out/rearrange the furniture.

The we wait for the kid to get home and all heck will break loose, I'm sure.

You are doing the right thing. Hang in there!

[Michele Zone]

I've tried talking to my wife about tempering her criticism with a positive message. However, she can be recklessly stubborn when she hear something she doesn't want to hear. So is my son. The two of them are at loggerheads. She yells and he yells back. My son is very angry with his mother.

Do any of you have a spouse who deals with your child's less than perfect school performance with a stick and never a carrot? If so how do you handle it?

My ex and my youngest are both very pigheaded. When my youngest son was 4 years old, he and his dad were locking horns one night (and our son was in tears). I physically removed my child from his father. I let him know later that he IS the adult and if an adult is locking horns with a 4 year old, that's pretty damn immature. He never was so asinine with the kids again.

In later years when we homeschooled, anytime my husband and I had very different ideas about what was important, we discussed it privately behind closed doors. When we first began homeschooling, my husband often sounded like a controlling jerk. Initially, it really bothered me. Then I concluded he was just very worried about his kids. He was at work all day and didn't really know what the kids were doing now that they were out of school. I made more of an effort to communicate with him about what we did all day and tried hard to view his "bad behavior" as an expression of caring/concern. Asking questions to find out what he was fretting about, communicating more, and getting him more involved with homeschooling the kids helped make him act less controlling.

So if it were me, I would sit down with the wife and try to find out why she is having such a hissy about the grades of a first-grader. This is not going to impact his ability to get into college. There must be something about this that is punching her buttons.

[mendelman]

This thread is both great for me and very scary. I have an 11 month old son and a 16 week bun in the oven right now.

Proceed - oh wise and experienced.