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Thread: Would This Offend You, Or Am I Over-Reacting?

  1. #1
    Cyburbian cch's avatar
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    Would This Offend You, Or Am I Over-Reacting?

    Sorry this is long, but I've got to vent...

    My brother-in-law got involved with a girl a few years ago who is a real class-act . At the time, she was 29 years old, had 4 kids, with two guys, two of which were out of wedlock, and she was recently divorced, and her home was foreclosed on. Well, 4 months into their relationship she got pregnant (of course). He bought a house, her and her brood moved in, and she's been playing "Mary Homemaker" while working part time at the mall.

    Not even three years later they now have 2 kids under the age of 2, still aren't married, and she seems to always have the best new clothes and toys for her kids. Keep in mind, there are 6 kids total now, ages 16, 11, 8, 6, 1, and 2 months. And together they do not bring in much money.

    Back when she was pregnant with their first child together, a boy, she gave us a ton of hand-me-downs from her girls. She had worked at Gymboree, so she had quite a collection of kids clothes. We appreciated it, donated some to Katrina relief, and still have a lot of it. Well, now she's got a new baby girl, but she is giving us more hand-me-down girl's clothes. When we said "Well take care of these so we can give them back to you, since you have a daughter now." the response was "Oh no, you don't need to do that. I'd like for her to have all new things."

    So, to me she is saying "These clothes aren't good enough for my daughter, but they are good enough for yours." It is like a slap in the face, like she honestly thinks she is better than us. It is obvious she can only give her daughter new stuff because she is in debt up to her eyeballs, or because my brother-in-law is a complete pushover with the money. Either way, it angers me and insults me.

    I know I'd be stupid to refuse free kid clothes, but I really don't even want those clothes in my house. I'll probably just end up donating all of them, but this puts my relationship with this girl on very shakey ground. I always knew she was irresponsible, but now I realize she is extremely selfish and snotty, too. My husband thinks I am over-reacting. What say the throbbing brain?

  2. #2
    Cyburbian btrage's avatar
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    It sounds to me like you may be over-reacting a bit to this single event.

    However, from the outside looking in, it appears that this single event may be the "final straw" in how you view her. By itself, the refusal isn't that big of a deal. But combined with the way she has lived her life, it becomes a bigger deal.

    Does that make sense?

  3. #3
    Cyburbian cch's avatar
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    yeah, I'd say this is the final straw. We know the girl purposely got pregnant with this new baby (cause she made no secret about how she was trying) even when she has no health insurance and had to rely on public aid to help pay for her doctor's appointments and the delivery. And then a girl like this going to tell me that her daughter deserves all new clothes and my daughter doesn't. I have no problem taking hand-me-downs, but the whole situation totally rubs me the wrong way.

  4. #4
    maudit anglais
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    I could see where you might be a bit offended by the suggestion implied by your SIL...but I would find it amusing and probably make some sort of sarcastic comment about her lifestyle while still accepting the clothes.

    If you're not going to use them though, don't accept them.

  5. #5
    Cyburbian tsc's avatar
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    I think you may be over reacting.. I mean she doesn't seem to value money and like new things. But... I can see why you might not jive with her!
    "Yeehaw!" is not a foreign policy

    Renovating the '62 Metzendorf
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  6. #6
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
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    I doubt she gave any thought at all to her words and gestures. She's clearly thinking of herself first and not of others. Most people on earth are guilty of this to one degree or another, but that still doesn't change the fact she was being (probably unintentionally) inconsiderate.
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

  7. #7
    Cyburbian KSharpe's avatar
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    I think that you don't need to worry about what a girl like this thinks of you. What good judgement has she ever demonstrated? Some people like all new clothes for new kids- of course, this is more justifiable if you aren't on the dole. Just realize that she's trash and don't worry about anything she does.
    Do you want to pet my monkey?

  8. #8
    Unfrozen Caveman Planner mendelman's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Maister View post
    I doubt she gave any thought at all to her words and gestures. She's clearly thinking of herself first and not of others. Most people on earth are guilty of this to one degree or another, but that still doesn't change the fact she was being (probably unintentionally) inconsiderate.
    I'd agree with Maister. Though, I can certainly understand why she would get under your skin.

    But be not to punish her children for her actions when her house of cards inevitably falls. Just punich her.
    I'm sorry. Is my bias showing?

    The ends can justify the means.

  9. #9
    Cyburbian otterpop's avatar
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    Your SIL sounds a lot like a friend of my wife. Her husband makes a very good salary and every payday his wife has already decided what they will do with it. Everything is new. Every kid has the same extravagant gifts that the others has. They had to file for bankruptcy and live in a mobile home.

    My wife and I took other people's hand-me-downs for our son and gave ours to our friends. We own our own home and have good credit.

    If you don't want to accept the clothes, don't.

    Or, you could take the hand-me-downs and take this take on it. Your SIL realizes that you gladly take hand-me-downs, so your family can use that extra money saved for things your family really needs or wants.

    So, you are enjoying a rare evening out with your significant other, having a nice dinner, perhaps a bottle of the medium-priced merlot, and you can think "if I hadn't taken those hand-me-downs from SIL, I would be running up a credit card bill or eating Hamburger Helper with the kids right now."
    "I am very good at reading women, but I get into trouble for using the Braille method."

    ~ Otterpop ~

  10. #10
    Cyburbian Fat Cat's avatar
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    Fat Cat

    I can see where it would be agravating, but I would agree with most of the others, you are really ahead of the "game".
    It reality she is in a house of cards and you are more stable. Dont let her get to you because then she has won.
    Actually she is kind of pathetic. It is not polite too laugh "at" others to their face. But it would be kind of hard not to. If you are able to detach yourself and look at it from a third person perspective, it has a lot of humor to it.

  11. #11
    Cyburbian cch's avatar
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    Thanks a lot for your comments. They've helped to calm me down and look at the situation for what it is; she's trash, she's going to pay for her irresponsibility eventually (I just hope our neice and nephew don't suffer), and all the while my husband and I are eating out often, our home is half paid off, someday we'll have our dream home in the country, and we aren't in debt. And being sensible about necessary baby clothes and open to hand-me-downs is one of the ways we've ended up in our comfy situation.

  12. #12
    Cyburbian craines's avatar
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    Strike her down for vengance is mine sayouth the lord.

  13. #13
    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    Obviously your brother picked a real winner But, it takes two to tango and although you don't approve of their situation or choices they aren't yours to make. Let it go and worry about your own family. If she gives you the hand me downs without a contingency then accept them and don't spend a second thinking about her shortcomings or their poor decision making.
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  14. #14
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by craines View post
    Strike her down for vengance is mine sayouth the lord.
    And be sure to quote Ezekiel 25:17 (the Gospel according to Quentin) whilst smiting her with great vengeance and furious anger!
    People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

  15. #15
    Cyburbian michaelskis's avatar
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    I can absolutely see how you would be upset! It would bug me a little bit too, however I think that it would be best to let this anger subside. Did she say why she want’s her kids to be in new clothing?

    I personally have no problem going to Goodwill or a second hand clothing store... especially in a nice area. It is amazing some of the stuff that you can get for 5% of the original cost. I would be thrilled if family members were go give us hand downs if they were in nice condition.

    It sounds like this woman is self centered and addicted to social perception of material possessions. Learn from her mistakes, try to help your BIL as much as you can and give him as much support as you can. Maybe someday you can lead by example and she will realize the silly things (and that is what this appears to be... silly) and change her ways.
    "A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong, gives it a superficial appearance of being right, and raises at first a formidable outcry in defense of custom. Time makes more converts than reason." - Thomas Paine Common Sense.

  16. #16
    Cyburbian Rumpy Tunanator's avatar
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    The fact that you had to ask this question here should have answered your question. Just let it go. Some forseeable predictable diasasters are better to watch out of harms way.
    A guy once told me, "Do not have any attachments, do not have anything in your life you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you spot the heat around the corner."


    Neil McCauley (Robert DeNiro): Heat 1995

  17. #17
    Cyburbian natski's avatar
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    If i had been in your shoes, i would have been pissed as well. Really rubs me up the wrong way when people act like that. I would stew in a bad mood for a couple of hours, then get over it when i realised that they are not worth it in the long run!
    "Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?" Zoolander

  18. #18
    Cyburbian
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    Really annoying, I'd still be stewing. But I'd be over-reacting. This woman isn't worth the time and like someone else already said, it's better to stay out of harm's way so that when this relationship collapses violently you're not involved. Your brother is choosing to stay with her, so even if she's pretty much worthless, there's not a lot you can do.

  19. #19
    Cyburbian SW MI Planner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by cch View post
    Thanks a lot for your comments. They've helped to calm me down and look at the situation for what it is; she's trash, she's going to pay for her irresponsibility eventually (I just hope our neice and nephew don't suffer), and all the while my husband and I are eating out often, our home is half paid off, someday we'll have our dream home in the country, and we aren't in debt. And being sensible about necessary baby clothes and open to hand-me-downs is one of the ways we've ended up in our comfy situation.
    I know how you feel, especially when you have people that do that on purpose to make themselves feel better. I would just take them providing they are in good condition (especially if they are Gymboree - that stuff is so cute but so expensive!). When I had my daughter my former MIL went to tons of garage sales. Fine, I have no problem with that. But some of the stuff she bought was horrible - stains, missing buttons, etc. At first I was so irritated but then just learned I had to pick my battles, say thanks, and hide them in a bin in the basement.

  20. #20
    Cyburbian btrage's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by SW MI Planner View post
    At first I was so irritated but then just learned I had to pick my battles, say thanks, and hide them in a bin in the basement.
    This has to be one of the most important lessons ever to be learned in one's life.
    Last edited by btrage; 24 Aug 2007 at 8:40 AM. Reason: I can't spell...

  21. #21
    Cyburbian cch's avatar
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    It did occur to me last night how my daughter isn't completely potty trained yet, and it will be nice having some pants that we didn't pay for, for her to wear when we do more underwear trial runs .

    I was so steamed when I first posted about this yesterday, but it has definitely worn off. Thanks.

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