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Thread: Freedom Ranch

  1. #1
    Cyburbian Raf's avatar
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    Freedom Ranch

    The young planners at our office and I (we are the 20 somethings) are all fed up with the development process and NIMBYs. Thus, we have decided to all band together and buy a large piece of property and create a new master plan community called "Freedom Ranch." Here are just a few of the items at the Ranch that we will incorporate in the Master Plan and design guidelines:

    1) No sidewalks, because people don't walk in the ranch, they drive!
    2) This area will be gated to keep "those people" out
    3) We will include an area for affordable housing, just outside the gates
    4) Our typical street section shall be a min. of 70 feet curb to curb to allow for our SUVs to park and ensure a "clean" street"
    5) No parks, because only drug dealers, pedophiles and gang bangers go to them (this was once said at a public workshop)
    6) Front loading 3 car garages are necessary in all lots
    7) The ranch needs a commercial center, which shall include a hometown buffet, a taco john's, two starbucks, and a drive through convenience mart to ensure no one gets out of their car.

    I think there is more, but does anyone else have anything to add to the "Ranch" ?
    Men do dumb $hit... it is what they do to correct the problem that counts.

  2. #2
    Cyburbian hilldweller's avatar
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    You'll definitely need huge 50' pole signs so that each of the various establishments can be identified from the nearest arterial.

  3. #3
    Cyburbian Plus
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    Quote Originally posted by CPSURaf View post
    4) Our typical street section shall be a min. of 70 feet curb to curb to allow for our SUVs to park and ensure a "clean" street"
    5) No parks, because only drug dealers, pedophiles and gang bangers go to them (this was once said at a public workshop)
    6) Front loading 3 car garages are necessary in all lots
    So of course no alleys.
    _________________________

    No front porches because nobody talks to one another in person especially your neighbors. You need to have complete overlapping cell tower coverage so everyone will text one another. Of course these cell towers will be just outside the boundary of the community.
    Last edited by JNA; 17 Oct 2007 at 12:07 PM.
    Oddball
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    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
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    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
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  4. #4
    Cyburbian KSharpe's avatar
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    Don't forget structure size requirements! No houses can be less than 5,500 square feet. All houses are of course single family. Multi family housing is for welfare mothers.
    Do you want to pet my monkey?

  5. #5
    Cyburbian SGB's avatar
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    Don't forget to create an HOA

    Can't be having any of those awful laundry lines or POW/MIA flags in the yards, don't ya know.
    All these years the people said he’s actin’ like a kid.
    He did not know he could not fly, so he did.
    - - Guy Clark, "The Cape"

  6. #6
    Cyburbian Fat Cat's avatar
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    Fat Cat

    "Only" a "three" car front loading garage?
    Obivously this is a joke right?
    The rest makes perfect sense

  7. #7
    Cyburbian otterpop's avatar
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    Since it is Freedom Ranch, I think every lot should have a 100 foot high flagpole to fly an over-sized Old Glory. Cuz this is America, dammit.

    Also this is America, so you are definitely going to have to have a mini-storage complex. Cuz we Americans have way more stuff than we have room to put it all.
    "I am very good at reading women, but I get into trouble for using the Braille method."

    ~ Otterpop ~

  8. #8
    Cyburbian Mercer's avatar
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    No buses or public transportation allowed. "Buses are for the homeless and lesbians" (said in a public hearing).

  9. #9
    Cyburbian Veloise's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by JNA View post
    ... You need to have complete overlapping cell tower coverage so everyone will text one another. Of course these cell towers will be just outside the boundary of the community.
    And those are all "stealth" cell towers, TYVM. Pine/palm trees, flagpoles, clock towers, windmills, ranger stations.

  10. #10
    Cyburbian jsk1983's avatar
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    5 acre minimum lot sizes. That will ensure no one knows their neighbors.

  11. #11
    Cyburbian Duke Of Dystopia's avatar
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    Since it is private, there will be a prohibition on all types of delivery of flyered materials to prohibit being bothered by any kind of alternative political or informational ideological invasion.

    Teenagers will be limited in thier ability to gather in groups of more than 3 unleass otherwise supervised by an adult.

    There will be no taverns, pubs, nightclubs, or other types of entertainment establishments outside of restaurants with a sports theme.

    Cable telivision will only be allowed through the Ranch Visual Freedom Center. Offerings will be limited to religious chanels, approved history channels, various preaproved pay per view channels, and FOX news.

    All places serving alcahol (see above) may only show a sports channel or FOX news.

    All newspapers, mail, and reading material will need to be picked up after approval from the Ranch Visual Freedom Center.
    I can't deliver UTOPIA, but I can create a HELL for you to LIVE in :)DoD:(

  12. #12
    Gunfighter Mastiff's avatar
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    Everyone must live on a cul-de-sac!
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
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    If you want to talk well then I'll relate
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  13. #13
    Cyburbian Fat Cat's avatar
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    Fat Cat

    And naturally
    No Comedy Channel!

  14. #14
    Cyburbian Raf's avatar
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    These are great ideas to the ranch. We wanted to add public bathrooms at one time at the security gate, but senator craig ensured that we could never include such an item at the ranch. We have yet to touch on landscaping on the ranch. Well maintained? Who maintains them? Etc. Also, we need to ensure that this development does not use drought tolerant landscaping. Heaven forbid our Kentucky Blue Grass Dies on a dry summer heat wave. Also pets. What about them. Shall we prohibit certain kinds?
    Men do dumb $hit... it is what they do to correct the problem that counts.

  15. #15
    Gunfighter Mastiff's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by CPSURaf View post
    Also pets. What about them. Shall we prohibit certain kinds?
    Perhaps only toy breeds?
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    C'mon and get me you twist of fate
    I'm standing right here Mr. Destiny
    If you want to talk well then I'll relate
    If you don't so what cause you don't scare me

  16. #16
    Cyburbian Veloise's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by CPSURaf View post
    ... Also pets. What about them. Shall we prohibit certain kinds?
    Yep, pit bulls, and require licenses for cats.

  17. #17
    No condominiums are allowed, you know they sell drugs in those places.

    There will be a well lighted path system that will only be used on weekends when it will be filled with families with small children and babies in stollers and high speed bikers who think they are still 20 when in reality they are middle age. The path system is never used during the week and never as a way to work. Workers are only allowed to drive in single occupancy vehicles. Car pools are not allowed.

    The local shopping center should have natural food grocery store. and an exclusive liquor store that sells only wine and imported beer. A Big Box Store shopping complex is located approximately 2 miles away, well out of sight.

    There will be a homeowners association that will publish a monthly newsletter. The association will be responsible for all the landscapped islands and maintain the wooded buffer yards and fencing.

    IF you have a dog, it must be walked on a lease and you must clean up after the dog, we don't want any dog poop in Freedom Village.

  18. #18
    Cyburbian CJC's avatar
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    A private ramp off of the freeway would be nice.

    You have a security guard at the gates, right?

    How many colors of houses are you allowing? I would hope nothing ugly, like any color other than beige.

  19. #19
    Cyburbian CJC's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by chrisinmd View post
    There will be a homeowners association that will publish a monthly newsletter. The association will be responsible for all the landscapped islands and maintain the wooded buffer yards and fencing.
    There will be monthly articles in the HOA newsletter drumming up support for anti-illegal immigrant activities of all sorts. Of course, being good business folks, the HOA will find the cheapest company to maintain landscaping and all of the employees of said company will be illegal - it's also acceptable to have maids that are illegal (as long as they speak English around the kids or don't speak at all) - otherwise, round 'em up!

  20. #20
    How many colors of houses are you allowing? I would hope nothing ugly, like any color other than beige.

    I belive that the architectual committee has to approve all home colors. You must present the AC color samples prior to building the home and 3 car garage.
    Your landscapping plan is also a requrement and its approved by the landscapping committee who approves all plant materials that will be used.

  21. #21
    Cyburbian graciela's avatar
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    The houses should be faux craftsman style.
    Responsible Beverage Server since March 26th, 2008

  22. #22
    Cyburbian Plus
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    Quote Originally posted by chrisinmd View post
    Workers are only allowed to drive in single occupancy vehicles. Car pools are not allowed.
    Park n' ride and mass transit are located outside the boundary of the community.
    well out of sight.
    There is a gas station in the commercial area so you can refill your SUV when you drive just 2 blocks to take the kids to school because there are no sidewalks or school buses.

    AIB MP - there is pretty schrubbery to hide the utility boxes, a/c units and garabage can enclosures.
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  23. #23
    Cyburbian
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    Disproportionately large gateway monument signage on both sides of the only gated entryway.
    At least ten permanent model homes (well lit at night).
    Two hundred foot double frontage landscape setbacks heavily landscaped, twenty foot berms, a moat, and barbed wire with masonry posts.
    Freedom Ranch open house signs littering the sides of all roads in a 20-30 mile radius.
    All public open space consist wet bottom stormwater basins with huge fountains (dry bottom basins will attract teenagers, bums, and other rif raff). Need a few canadian geese decoys in addition to the few hundred non-migratory ones that already live there.
    No parking on either side of the street.
    Neighbrohood patrol and surveilance cameras.

    I wonder what the streets will be named?

  24. #24
    Cyburbian Plus
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    Quote Originally posted by nrschmid View post
    I wonder what the streets will be named?
    Named after the trees that were clear cut to level the site. No natural terrain / contouring left.
    Oddball
    Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?
    Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here?
    Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
    From Kelly's Heroes (1970)


    Are you sure you're not hurt ?
    No. Just some parts wake up faster than others.
    Broke parts take a little longer, though.
    From Electric Horseman (1979)

  25. #25
    Cyburbian Raf's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by nrschmid View post
    I wonder what the streets will be named?
    Streets will be named after americans whom have contributed to our fine quality of life and ensure "freedom, democracy, and american values"

    Examples as such:

    GWB Parkway
    Regan Road
    Coutler Court
    Enron Street
    Freedom Fries Lane
    Swift Boat Blvd
    Craig Court
    Main Street
    Oak Street
    Men do dumb $hit... it is what they do to correct the problem that counts.

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