Freedom Ranch

[Raf]

The young planners at our office and I (we are the 20 somethings) are all fed up with the development process and NIMBYs. Thus, we have decided to all band together and buy a large piece of property and create a new master plan community called "Freedom Ranch." Here are just a few of the items at the Ranch that we will incorporate in the Master Plan and design guidelines:

1) No sidewalks, because people don't walk in the ranch, they drive!
2) This area will be gated to keep "those people" out
3) We will include an area for affordable housing, just outside the gates
4) Our typical street section shall be a min. of 70 feet curb to curb to allow for our SUVs to park and ensure a "clean" street"
5) No parks, because only drug dealers, pedophiles and gang bangers go to them (this was once said at a public workshop)
6) Front loading 3 car garages are necessary in all lots
7) The ranch needs a commercial center, which shall include a hometown buffet, a taco john's, two starbucks, and a drive through convenience mart to ensure no one gets out of their car.

I think there is more, but does anyone else have anything to add to the "Ranch" ?

[hilldweller]

You'll definitely need huge 50' pole signs so that each of the various establishments can be identified from the nearest arterial.

[JNA]

4) Our typical street section shall be a min. of 70 feet curb to curb to allow for our SUVs to park and ensure a "clean" street"
5) No parks, because only drug dealers, pedophiles and gang bangers go to them (this was once said at a public workshop)
6) Front loading 3 car garages are necessary in all lots

So of course no alleys.
_________________________

No front porches because nobody talks to one another in person especially your neighbors. You need to have complete overlapping cell tower coverage so everyone will text one another. Of course these cell towers will be just outside the boundary of the community.

[KSharpe]

Don't forget structure size requirements! No houses can be less than 5,500 square feet. All houses are of course single family. Multi family housing is for welfare mothers.

[SGB]

Can't be having any of those awful laundry lines or POW/MIA flags in the yards, don't ya know.

[Fat Cat]

"Only" a "three" car front loading garage?
Obivously this is a joke right?
The rest makes perfect sense

[otterpop]

Since it is Freedom Ranch, I think every lot should have a 100 foot high flagpole to fly an over-sized Old Glory. Cuz this is America, dammit.

Also this is America, so you are definitely going to have to have a mini-storage complex. Cuz we Americans have way more stuff than we have room to put it all.

[Mercer]

No buses or public transportation allowed. "Buses are for the homeless and lesbians" (said in a public hearing).

[Veloise]

... You need to have complete overlapping cell tower coverage so everyone will text one another. Of course these cell towers will be just outside the boundary of the community.

And those are all "stealth" cell towers, TYVM. Pine/palm trees, flagpoles, clock towers, windmills, ranger stations.

[jsk1983]

5 acre minimum lot sizes. That will ensure no one knows their neighbors.

[Duke Of Dystopia]

Since it is private, there will be a prohibition on all types of delivery of flyered materials to prohibit being bothered by any kind of alternative political or informational ideological invasion.

Teenagers will be limited in thier ability to gather in groups of more than 3 unleass otherwise supervised by an adult.

There will be no taverns, pubs, nightclubs, or other types of entertainment establishments outside of restaurants with a sports theme.

Cable telivision will only be allowed through the Ranch Visual Freedom Center. Offerings will be limited to religious chanels, approved history channels, various preaproved pay per view channels, and FOX news.

All places serving alcahol (see above) may only show a sports channel or FOX news.

All newspapers, mail, and reading material will need to be picked up after approval from the Ranch Visual Freedom Center.

[Mastiff]

Everyone must live on a cul-de-sac!

[Fat Cat]

And naturally
No Comedy Channel!

[Raf]

These are great ideas to the ranch. We wanted to add public bathrooms at one time at the security gate, but senator craig ensured that we could never include such an item at the ranch. We have yet to touch on landscaping on the ranch. Well maintained? Who maintains them? Etc. Also, we need to ensure that this development does not use drought tolerant landscaping. Heaven forbid our Kentucky Blue Grass Dies on a dry summer heat wave. Also pets. What about them. Shall we prohibit certain kinds?

[Mastiff]

Also pets. What about them. Shall we prohibit certain kinds?

Perhaps only toy breeds?

[Veloise]

... Also pets. What about them. Shall we prohibit certain kinds?

Yep, pit bulls, and require licenses for cats.

[chrisinmd]

No condominiums are allowed, you know they sell drugs in those places.

There will be a well lighted path system that will only be used on weekends when it will be filled with families with small children and babies in stollers and high speed bikers who think they are still 20 when in reality they are middle age. The path system is never used during the week and never as a way to work. Workers are only allowed to drive in single occupancy vehicles. Car pools are not allowed.

The local shopping center should have natural food grocery store. and an exclusive liquor store that sells only wine and imported beer. A Big Box Store shopping complex is located approximately 2 miles away, well out of sight.

There will be a homeowners association that will publish a monthly newsletter. The association will be responsible for all the landscapped islands and maintain the wooded buffer yards and fencing.

IF you have a dog, it must be walked on a lease and you must clean up after the dog, we don't want any dog poop in Freedom Village.

[CJC]

A private ramp off of the freeway would be nice.

You have a security guard at the gates, right?

How many colors of houses are you allowing? I would hope nothing ugly, like any color other than beige.

[CJC]

There will be a homeowners association that will publish a monthly newsletter. The association will be responsible for all the landscapped islands and maintain the wooded buffer yards and fencing.

There will be monthly articles in the HOA newsletter drumming up support for anti-illegal immigrant activities of all sorts. Of course, being good business folks, the HOA will find the cheapest company to maintain landscaping and all of the employees of said company will be illegal - it's also acceptable to have maids that are illegal (as long as they speak English around the kids or don't speak at all) - otherwise, round 'em up!

[chrisinmd]

How many colors of houses are you allowing? I would hope nothing ugly, like any color other than beige.

I belive that the architectual committee has to approve all home colors. You must present the AC color samples prior to building the home and 3 car garage.
Your landscapping plan is also a requrement and its approved by the landscapping committee who approves all plant materials that will be used.

[graciela]

The houses should be faux craftsman style.

[JNA]

Workers are only allowed to drive in single occupancy vehicles. Car pools are not allowed.

Park n' ride and mass transit are located outside the boundary of the community.

well out of sight.

There is a gas station in the commercial area so you can refill your SUV when you drive just 2 blocks to take the kids to school because there are no sidewalks or school buses.

AIB MP - there is pretty schrubbery to hide the utility boxes, a/c units and garabage can enclosures.

[nrschmid]

Disproportionately large gateway monument signage on both sides of the only gated entryway.
At least ten permanent model homes (well lit at night).
Two hundred foot double frontage landscape setbacks heavily landscaped, twenty foot berms, a moat, and barbed wire with masonry posts.
Freedom Ranch open house signs littering the sides of all roads in a 20-30 mile radius.
All public open space consist wet bottom stormwater basins with huge fountains (dry bottom basins will attract teenagers, bums, and other rif raff). Need a few canadian geese decoys in addition to the few hundred non-migratory ones that already live there.
No parking on either side of the street.
Neighbrohood patrol and surveilance cameras.

I wonder what the streets will be named?

[JNA]

I wonder what the streets will be named?

Named after the trees that were clear cut to level the site. No natural terrain / contouring left.

[Raf]

I wonder what the streets will be named?

Streets will be named after americans whom have contributed to our fine quality of life and ensure "freedom, democracy, and american values"

Examples as such:

GWB Parkway
Regan Road
Coutler Court
Enron Street
Freedom Fries Lane
Swift Boat Blvd
Craig Court
Main Street
Oak Street