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Thread: Local jokes

  1. #1
    Cyburbia Administrator Dan's avatar
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    Local jokes

    Did you hear about the tragedy in Aurora? (Colorado)
    The tree died.


    The intent of this thread is to share jokes about specific places; not necessarily countries or ethnicities, but rather cities, towns and suburbs. A few ground rules for the thread:

    1) No Barbie lists. They're all the same.
    2) No "You know you're from [name of city] if ..." lists. There's a ton of existing threads on Cyburbia about it.
    3) No Newfie jokes, Southerner jokes, and so on. Just jokes about individual cities.

  2. #2
    One of our favorites back in Jersey:

    Geno: Hey'd ya hear Zilli won a radio contest?
    Daddy G: No sheet! What'd he win?
    Geno: A week in Philly!
    Daddy G: He won first prize?
    Geno: No. He came in second.
    Daddy G: What was the grand prize?
    Geno: A weekend in Philly.

    On pitching to Stan Musial:
    "Once he timed your fastball, your infielders were in jeopardy."
    Warren Spahn

  3. #3
    Cyburbian wahday's avatar
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    Q - How do you keep people from leaving Española?
    A - Put a speed bump at either end of town

    It helps to know that Española is the lowrider capital of the state and generally a place that a lot of people would like to move away from. I apologize if anyone perceives this as a slight against the Hispanic community. I didn't see it this way personally because so many people of all backgrounds here feel compelled to modify their cars with tiny tiny wheels and airbrushed paint jobs. I'm a fan myself and sometimes like to check out the lowrider car shows, but my own vehicles still exhibit standard ground clearance and factory paint. Anyway, I apologize if anyone is offended.

    New Mexico, whose moniker is "The Land of Enchantment" is often called "The Land of Entrapment" for the large number of people who thought they were "just passing through" but have been hanging around for the last 20 years or so.
    The purpose of life is a life of purpose

  4. #4
    Cyburbian DetroitPlanner's avatar
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    Here is a local joke:

    The Detroit Lions
    We hope for better things; it will arise from the ashes - Fr Gabriel Richard 1805

  5. #5
    moderator in moderation Suburb Repairman's avatar
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    Q: What do you call San Marcos, Texas without Texas State University?

    A: Seguin, Texas

    "Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country."

    - Herman Göring at the Nuremburg trials (thoughts on democracy)

  6. #6
    Cyburbian zman's avatar
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    Good Aurora joke, Dan... kind of goes with the moniker Saudi Aurora or the lesser used, West Kansas, Colorado.

    I will have to use that one around my Colorado friends.
    You get all squeezed up inside/Like the days were carved in stone/You get all wired up inside/And it's bad to be alone

    You can go out, you can take a ride/And when you get out on your own/You get all smoothed out inside/And it's good to be alone
    -Peart

  7. #7
    Cyburbian Veloise's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by DetroitPlanner View post
    Here is a local joke:

    The Detroit Lions
    Yup, it'll be a banner day when Ford Field [DT Detroit] gets a professional football team.

  8. #8
    NIMBY asshatterer Plus Richmond Jake's avatar
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    No, not mine...

    GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

    Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
    Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

    Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both

    If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
    Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

    Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
    If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________

    Please check hair color:
    Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
    Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

    Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
    [ ] Eating
    [ ] Applying make-up
    [ ] Talking on the phone
    [ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
    [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
    [ ] Tanning
    [x] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
    [ ] Watching TV
    [ ] Reading Variety
    [ ] Surfing the net via laptop

    Please indicate how many times:
    a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
    b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____

    If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
    a) Call the police to report the crime
    b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase
    c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
    d) Call your therapist
    e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

    In the event of an earthquake, should you:
    a) stop your car
    b) keep driving and hope for the best
    c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
    d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

    In the instance of rain, you should:
    a) decelerate by 5 mph
    b) drive twice as fast as usual
    c) you're not sure what "rain" is

    Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
    Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
    a) Prozac
    b) Zovirax
    c) Lithium
    d) Zanax
    e) Valium
    f) Zoloft
    If none, please explain: __________________.

    Length of daily commute:
    a) 1 hour
    b) 2 hours
    c) 3 hours
    d) 4 hours or more

    When stopped by police, should you:
    a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
    b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
    c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

  9. #9
    Cyburbian illinoisplanner's avatar
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    60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.
    Chicago people sunbathe.

    50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
    Chicago people plant gardens.

    40 above - Italian cars won't start.
    Chicago people drive with the windows down.

    32 above - Distilled water freezes.
    Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.

    20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
    Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.

    15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
    Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.

    0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.
    Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt.

    20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.
    Chicago people get out their winter coats.

    40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.
    Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

    60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
    Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

    80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes.
    Chicago people rent some videos.

    100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
    Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

    297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products.
    Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

    460 below - ALL atomic motion stops.
    Chicago people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"

    500 below - Hell freezes over.
    The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.
    "Life's a journey, not a destination"
    -Steven Tyler

  10. #10
    Cyburbian jmello's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by illinoisplanner View post
    50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
    Chicago people plant gardens.
    Isn't the correct term "Chicagoans?"

    That reminds me of a good Massachusetts joke. We would commonly refer to ourselves as "Massholes" in lieu of the obtuse and mostly unknown "Bay Staters."

  11. #11
    Cyburbian drucee's avatar
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    jmello:

    Interesting how you seem to have reclaimed "Massholes." I always understood it as the nasty name New Hampshire residents call their southern neighbors, especially in a driving context. The Illinois equivalent is "FIB" (F--king Illinois Bastard), and is uniquely used by Wisconsinites. Most Illinoisans seem to resent it, but we counter by referring to Wisconsin as "Illinois' largest state park."

    Residents of Vermont and Colorado refer to outsiders as "flatlanders, " especially if they're from the New York metropolitan area. Californians living in Oregon are "Californicators." And people who move from the Northeast to Florida and then to North Carolina are "halfbacks."

    My favorite, though, is what people from DC call the residents of the city 40 miles to the north--"Baltimorons."

  12. #12
    Cyburbian jsk1983's avatar
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    ^Aren't people from Maine, Maineiacs?

  13. #13
    Cyburbian Mtn Woman's avatar
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    In my neck of the woods in upstate New York, we call the NYC metro crowd that moves upstate, cuts down all the trees, and complain that there's no cell phone service - Cidiots.
    Living and dreaming are two different things-but you can't do one without the other."
    -Malcolm Forbes

  14. #14
    Cyburbian Veloise's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Mtn Woman View post
    ... crowd that moves upstate, cuts down all the trees, and complain that there's no cell phone service - Cidiots.
    Whoa, I can use that on the job! Thanks!

  15. #15
    Cyburbian Michele Zone's avatar
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    When I was growing up in Columbus, Georgia, Victory Drive was referred to as "VD Drive" because it was apparently where all the hookers hung out (thanks to its proximity to the base). And the college (at that time called "Columbus College", it's now "Columbus State University") was referred to by my older sister and her friends as "Algonquin High". Algonquin was the name of the two lane country-ish road it was on. That two lane road is now a five lane road renamed University Avenue. I assume people take the college more seriously now than my sister and her intellectual snob friends did. She and many of them went away to college, not deeming "Algonquin High" to be a serious college.

  16. #16
    Cyburbian Mtn Woman's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Veloise View post
    Whoa, I can use that on the job! Thanks!
    Be my guest.

    They are the same folks that expect the fire department to get a cat out of a tree. The entire county is 100% VOLUNTEER fire service. Give us a real reason to leave the dinner table or, ahem, marital duties unfinished as we rush out the door.

    My next door neighbor happens to be a complete cidiot. He insists on cutting down all the trees because - and I quote - They are dangerous. He actually asked me if I had heard about the tree that fell on some Girl Scouts in NJ!
    Living and dreaming are two different things-but you can't do one without the other."
    -Malcolm Forbes

  17. #17
    Cyburbian illinoisplanner's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by drucee View post
    jmello:

    The Illinois equivalent is "FIB" (F--king Illinois Bastard), and is uniquely used by Wisconsinites. Most Illinoisans seem to resent it, but we counter by referring to Wisconsin as "Illinois' largest state park."
    I've also heard of Wisconsin being referred to as "Illinois' playground".

    ---------------------------

    Something else I happened to think of:

    In the Chicago area, we sometimes equate some of our community colleges with universities, since they are so large.

    For example, Harper College is jokingly referred to as "The University of Southern Palatine" or "UCLA: University Closest to Lake Arlington".

    On the flipside, the large College of DuPage is often reffered to as "Cod High School", Cod being an acronym for College of DuPage, and the high school part meaning that it is just an extension of high school for many people there.
    "Life's a journey, not a destination"
    -Steven Tyler

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