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Thread: When Relationships go BAD

  1. #1
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    When Relationships go BAD

    When relationships end:

    1) How do you divide up the collective stuff ?

    2) When do you know its REALLY over?

    3) Aminal custody? Any case law?

  2. #2
    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Chet View post
    When relationships end:

    1) How do you divide up the collective stuff ?

    2) When do you know its REALLY over?

    3) Aminal custody? Any case law?
    1. I took everything but his clothes and personal belongings.
    2a. When I got served divorce papers the day after my mother's funeral.
    2b. The other significant split was when he disappeared for three days without calling then came back acting like it wasn't a big deal.
    3. The cat went to live with my uncle's friend. I'm sure there is case law although a pet is considered property. Think it depends on if it was acquired together, who is primary caretaker, and who can provide best environment.
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  3. #3
    Cyburbian Planit's avatar
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    1. We divided things up by whose family gave us what and things we purchased together with who wanted it more at time of purchase. There were only a few minor discussions over a couple things.
    2. When she 'cut me off' and was with another for a weekend.
    3. I got the dog, it was my dog and I took care of him. She got the cats because she picked them out and named them.

    The messiest part of the whole ordeal what the savings account. She had already started her own checking account a year eariler (gee, there's a sign) and had the new car that she was driving. I froze the savings account and made sure nothing could be withdrawn unless both signed (I knew someone at the bank). She accussed me of wanting to steal that money and I told there was no way to do that since both had to sign, I just thought we should split it 65%/35% because she had the new car and my truck was starting to have problems. She held out and wouldn't sign the papers unless it was a 50%/50% split. I eventually gave in just to get it over with (and for $2500, it was worth it).

    The present Mrs. P took the cockatiel from her first marriage out of spite. She says it was one of the worst decisions she ever made.
    "Whatever beer I'm drinking, is better than the one I'm not." DMLW
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  4. #4
    Cyburbian Otis's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Planit View post
    1The messiest part of the whole ordeal what the savings account.
    I had friends who literally raced to the back to get the valuables (principally kreugerrands) out of the safe deposit box. Ugly, ugly scene. Lucky no one was killed in the mad rush. Many traffic laws were broken that day, and the bank lobby saw a lot of yelling.

    Amicable divorces are the way to go. The first Mrs. O and I split uphad no diagreements over who got what. It left me without a car for about a year, but since I lived near a transit line it was not much of a problem. I rented cars when I wanted to take a weekend trip somewhere. I put the house on the market and sold it, and we split the proceeds evenly.

    We actually divorced about four years after separating. That long a period was hard on her, and is one of my biggest regrets. It also ended up being hard on my new girlfriend since I was still married and my (ex)wife would occassionally make emotional demands on me. I think it was about six years after the divorce that I realized I had had a day in which I did not feel bad about the divorce.

    When I practiced law I handled one divorce and quickly saw why they were to be avoided. The emotional cost is way too high. I represented a woman whose husband had wandered, and then sued for divorce. The poor woman kept saying, "I just want my husband back." Not alimony, not child support, just her husband. I still know her and she has never looked at another man. She says "I had the love of my life. Nothing will ever be that good."

  5. #5
    Cyburbian Plus Zoning Goddess's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Chet View post
    When relationships end:

    1) How do you divide up the collective stuff ?

    2) When do you know its REALLY over?

    3) Aminal custody? Any case law?
    1)I took the expensive stuff that was mine beforehand, when I knew D-Day was on the horizon, and stashed it at my parents' house.

    2)Well, I'm not going there.

    3)I took the cats. Considering I was not the one who proclaimed to a bunch of folks that they'd be killed otherwise, I figured I had a good case on that. Unfortunately, I think this is one area that's kind of fuzzy in case law.

  6. #6
    NIMBY asshatterer Plus Richmond Jake's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Chet View post
    When relationships end:

    1) How do you divide up the collective stuff ?

    2) When do you know its REALLY over?

    3) Aminal custody? Any case law?
    1. I left with my clothes, the wine collection, some tools, a few pictures, a set of pots and pans, a few dishes and flatware, some books, a TV, my golf clubs, laptop, and whatever personal belongs would fit in my pick-up.

    2. When the adulteress flies across country to be with her new friend, returns by vehicle with him, and moves in with him? That's a pretty good sign.

    3. The dog belonged to my son.

  7. #7
    Gunfighter Mastiff's avatar
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    1. It's easiest if you first split everything by sentimental versus expensive. Then just start picking items... It just isn't fair to say, "Oh, you want that vase your mom gave us? Fine... I get the flat screen!"

    2. When either you or your partner does something you know you'll never forgive.

    3. Yes. http://www.doglaw.com/Legal_Services...isitation.html

    My lovely ex-wife had my dog put down while I was out of town. (That was my #2)

    By the way, if children are involved, and the other spouse has them... check with child services on what your support will be and start paying it right away. It's worth it when you get in front of the judge, and you'll have to pay it anyway.
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  8. #8
    Chairman of the bored Maister's avatar
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    When Relationships go BAD

    I guess this is a topic almost everyone here has some personal experience with. There seems to be a lot of recent interest expressed in this area too - so let's make this the designated thread to discuss all things breakup/near-breakup/divorce/separation or anything else some shade of black/grey under the rainbow.

    What was the most psychotic behavior ever exhibited by an ex?
    Why oh why did you go back to him/her after it was clear DOOM was written on that relationship's gravestone? Did you manage to limit any children's involvement? Really how glad are you that you broke up when you did? Most important did you learn anything or somehow profit from the otherwise bad experience?

    Discuss.
    Moderator note:
    mendelman
    Sorry, Maister. I moved a bunch of "answers" to Chet's question to this thread from Randoms Thoughts and unfortunately his post is earlier than yours, so you became post #8. I moved the ones most appropriate to the topic.
    Last edited by mendelman; 14 Nov 2008 at 3:12 PM.

  9. #9
    Cyburbian Coragus's avatar
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    I was dating a woman once during grad school that seemed great while we were alone but who would go nuts in public. Once, in a shopping mall, she went into this walking catatonic thing and tried to follow me into a men's room before I stopped her. Other times, she'd break down in crying fits. She once broke into a fun conversation with a group of 5 or 6 friends to ask if we thought Jesus was a vampire.

    I took a look at her medication and looked it up in a medical reference. Turns out she was being treated for schizophrenia. Oops!

    I got out of that before anything "serious" happened.

    As a followup to that story, I made it a habit after that to excuse myself to the bathroom in a new girlfriend's house and go through their medicine cabinets to check for medical history, so to speak. My last girlfriend caught me doing that, whereupon I had to explain the whole story. She was amused enough by it to eventually marry me!
    Back home just in time for hockey season!

  10. #10
    I had an ex tell me (years later) that the love interest after me was heroin.

    Yikes

  11. #11
    Cyburbian cch's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Chet View post
    When relationships end:

    1) How do you divide up the collective stuff ?

    2) When do you know its REALLY over?

    3) Aminal custody? Any case law?
    1) Whatever we had individually before we got married, we keep. For stuff we got as gifts.. if it was from his family he gets it, if it was from my family I get it. Other things we bought together seem pretty easy to negotiate cause they are things I like more or he likes more, and so far the only thing we are sort of having trouble with is our patio furniture... we both want it. And to keep our kids in their home, I will refinance for the balance plus his half of the equity, give him his half of the equity, and keep the house in only my name (and with a lower mortgage payment).

    2) When he told me he met a girl, gushed about her to me, showed me her myspace page, and said how great they seem to get along... and I was genuinely happy for him and not jealous or upset in the least. Plus, I am more calm and happy when he isn't home.

    3) Our dog is my daughter's dog, and was a gift from my parents. So obviously, he stays with me. But I know people who did doggy visitation.

  12. #12
    Cyburbian zman's avatar
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    I had a girlfriend tell me once that I deserve someone better... especially someone that doesn't lie to me...

    Yeah... she was seeing a guy at work, selling esctasy behind my back and generally weird....

    I also had a girl in college who took to hiding from me in a closet at my friend's place one night whilst over there drinking. After a while I walked around looking for her and couldn't find her so I thought she went off to talk on the phone or something. She soon came back to the front porch and told me she hid from me in order to see if I would look for her. I didn't look hard enough to find her (why would I peek in others' closets?) but the very fact I even looked showed her that I liked her and she was now happy. THAT ended pretty quick after that...
    You get all squeezed up inside/Like the days were carved in stone/You get all wired up inside/And it's bad to be alone

    You can go out, you can take a ride/And when you get out on your own/You get all smoothed out inside/And it's good to be alone
    -Peart

  13. #13
    Cyburbian SW MI Planner's avatar
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    blah. if you made it through my last post on the neverending random thread you know i'm dealing with this now. and it sucks.

    bottom line is, sometimes two really good people just don't work out. doesn't make them bad people, just different. it still sucks

    this dating at 35 with a young daughter stuff is for the birds...

    Quote Originally posted by Chet View post
    When relationships end:

    1) How do you divide up the collective stuff ?

    2) When do you know its REALLY over?

    3) Aminal custody? Any case law?
    Blah. With the marriage there wasn't much collective stuff. Money split 50/50. He was moving back in with his mom (and still there!) so I said I wanted the new furniture and he could have the computer. That part was easy. As far as knowing it was over, it was a long time coming and after I filed I found out more and more things that helped me to be confident in my decision.

    Blah, with the current boyfriend (actually ex), #2 is the difficult question. We've been together only 7 months but each have a lot invested emotionally, with the kids, etc. But we are both really different people. He is aloof, unemotional, unromantic, just you don't know where he is coming from. I'm the opposite and feel 'needy' because I don't know where he is coming from and it bothers me. We talked a lot the past week about things and I told him I didn't know if I could do it anymore because I don't feel like I am a priority or important to him. Tuesday he said he needed time to think about what he wanted from me and how/if things could work. Said he needed a few weeks to just figure out what he wants, etc.

    So, if someone has an answer to #2, please share it. I take it that its just over, and not holding out hope that things will work out. After all, he could have really meant that he needed time as he asid, or he could have said that as a way of dumping me easier. My friend that set us us, her husband works with him, and has told her that he is pissy, and irritable to everyone (way not his nature). Her husband said something him and he yelled "shut up, i'm having a hard time with this'. So whatever, how do you know if its time to just walk away and not look back? How do you know if you should throw a small bone, even a small text saying 'this sucks' to let them know you care and hate this situation. I wish I could answer this, but rather I am obsessing over it. Just don't want any 'what-if's'. The week has been super busy and easy; the weekend will suck as my daughter will be at her dads.

    So, blah. There's my depressing over analysis to question #2.
    Last edited by Maister; 14 Nov 2008 at 3:41 PM. Reason: sequential posts

  14. #14
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    SW MI I get ya.

    When I left my wife she tried to commit suicide. That was fun.

    I tend to be an LTR person, so breakups are never easy. I always joke that I have more crutches than a VA hospital. Jokes don't help though.

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    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by SW MI Planner View post
    blah. if you made it through my last post on the neverending random thread you know i'm dealing with this now. and it sucks.

    bottom line is, sometimes two really good people just don't work out. doesn't make them bad people, just different. it still sucks

    this dating at 35 with a young daughter stuff is for the birds...
    My mom told me once "You two are nice people individually but together you are like ammonia and bleach mixed up."

    I dated someone over the summer and it was going very well until he began having issues with his ex over their two kids and her constant asking for money over and above what she was being given. He just gave into her and frankly I couldn't see myself involved in that kind of situation over the long term and was honest in telling him that. We are still friends though.

    Dating when you have a small child is interesting. Dating when you have a teenager is more interesting Much more opinionated and judgmental about the kind of person they think you should date.
    Last edited by kjel; 14 Nov 2008 at 3:19 PM. Reason: For disturbing Chet.
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  16. #16
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by kjelsadek View post
    Dating with a small child is interesting.
    Out of context, VERY disturbing....

  17. #17
    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Chet View post
    Out of context, VERY disturbing....
    You just had to go there. Edited post.
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  18. #18
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    Sad thing was, I was going to buy us rings this holiday season. I guess on the bright side I just saved $4000.

  19. #19
    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Chet View post
    Sad thing was, I was going to buy us rings this holiday season. I guess on the bright side I just saved $4000.
    Buy yourself a ring anyways
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  20. #20
    Cyburbian Emeritus Chet's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by kjelsadek View post
    Buy yourself a ring anyways
    I have a nice one, but from the ex-wife. uggg

    I wanna cheer up soon.

  21. #21
    Cyburbian ofos's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Chet View post
    Sad thing was, I was going to buy us rings this holiday season. I guess on the bright side I just saved $4000.
    Chet, Keep the ring, give the finger and move on.
    “Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

  22. #22
    Super Moderator kjel's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by ofos View post
    Chet, Keep the ring, give the finger and move on.
    I like your style

    Chet...just do something for yourself. I mean if it were me I would be headed off to the spa for a massage, a facial, and pedicure. I dunno if that is quite manly enough for you to do...but you get the point.
    "He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" Jeremiah 22:16

  23. #23
    Cyburbian Veloise's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Chet View post
    ...I wanna cheer up soon.
    I feel for ya, buddy. As difficult as it is to find a potential SO when the candy store is stocked with "anything in pants," it must be a wholeheckuva lot more difficult when dealing with only a fraction of the single male population.

    Go to a contra dance. It's fun, and they don't care who/what you are.

    HTH

  24. #24
    Cyburbian Random Traffic Guy's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Mastiff View post
    My lovely ex-wife had my dog put down while I was out of town. (That was my #2)

    I heard about a woman burning one guy's gun collection, and thought that was the worst (and stupid, big $$). But don't mess with the dog!

  25. #25
    Cyburbian Emeritus Bear Up North's avatar
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    Relationships

    This Bear jokes around a lot about the multiple marriages, the somewhat unique experiences that started the relationships that led to marriages and led to the relationships that didn't, yadda-yadda. But, very frankly speaking.....when relationships involving this Bear came to an end it wasn't a good time.

    Of course, my first serious relationship (Jennifer) resulted in nothing to divide. We were not married, she was a teenager who went to Hartford, CT, to have the baby and place it up for adoption. I didn't want the relationship to end but I know that she was indoctrinated at the "home" and told to dump the dude who got her pregnant. It was a tough time for me.

    Other relationships that did not result in marriage were tough, but not that tough. Nothing to divide, just memories to share. For a number of years I remained friends (in contact) with some of these ex's. But the stamp of time slides in and people from our past eventually fade away.

    When Cynthia (1) and I divorced there was a child involved, my son. He was only a couple years old at the time. Because he was not living with me I had a tough time. Eventually it was easier......honest admission > easier because there was another relationship in my life.

    We owned a home in south Toledo. I purchased her portion of the home (quit claim deed) and lived in it for awhile. Eventually, my parents left their apartment and moved into my house and I moved to Bowling Green. Years later I sold that home. All of the other goodies from the marriage were pretty-much evenly-divided. (She must have liked her name, though.....she still has my last name and she never married again.....living in suburban Sacramento.)

    When did I know it was really over? When she called me at work and told me she had slept with my best friend.

    When my second marriage ended it was on very good terms. After 15 years we both knew it was time to move on. She (2) eventually married a friend of mine who I had played basketball with for years. I eventually married another woman from The Turtle Club.

    We (2) were comfortable with the division of our belongings. We owned two houses so she kept the Toledo house (in Toledo's west end) and I kept the very rural Henry County house.

    The next marriage (3) did not last long. I knew it was over when I found very sexual letters, hidden in a drawer, between her and her boyfriend. I was extremely hurt and went into a long period of depression. After that I moved through a series of relationships, including one that carried on for about a year. (Schoolteacher from Perrysburg, OH.....outer-ring suburb of Toledo.)

    Eventually Katie (4) wandered into my life and all of this multiple relationship stuff flowed quickly away. We have been through a lot together, including very serious and life-threatening illness' for both of us.....and we are even closer today.

    Relationships are tough. I do better when I am in a relationship.

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